My partner has another child i knew nothing about

lorrainebrowne

Hi everyone,
I'm not sure if i'm in the right section or not as i'm a first time user of these forums. From the title as you can tell I've just found out my partner of many years has another child with another woman, while we've been together. It's the biggest heart ache anyone can have. I only found out because he was taken to court for maintenance which he is paying. Has anyone had anything like this happen them? I just don't know what to do. We have a house and everything that goes with a long term relationship. He has possibly been with other girls too. I'm not at all happy but should i just stay because of the house and everything else. We also have a small child together. Because i'm a mother i do feel terrible for the child he fathered already. Will they now get maintenance payments till they're 18? i read its up to 23 years if going to college. Will maintenance go up each year as the child grows? This has just blown me out of the water. I just wanna get my head around the situation! any advice would be welcome.

Thanks x

Oryx

You have my sympathies. What a bomb to have dropped into your life. Yes, I would think the maintenance will be till 18 or 23 as you said.

Should you stay because of the house? No. You should stay if you envisage a life with this man. If you can continue on after this. If you stay and you doubt him or dont trust him, and this is unresolved, then your home will be a very unhappy place, and toxic for your child.

Is he sorry?
Can you forgive him?
Do you love him?

Your priority today, though is yourself. Find someone to confide in. This is a huge thing to deal with it, and you need support around you.

lorrainebrowne

I'd like to think he is sorry, but wouldn't it be a thing if he really was he would have told me at the time of finding out he had a child? or the fact he got someone pregnant.
How can anyone forgive such a thing? I'm possibly just staying because of the house, there's so much invested in it. Considering he has one child already thats left without a father. I shouldn't really be worried about my own child not having a daddy.

Slutmonkey57b

He cheated and had a child while he was in a relationship.

He had to be taken to court to do the very basic thing of supporting a child he fathered.

Neither of these things are indicative of a man you'd want to rely on or be in a long term relationship with.

Oryx

You dont have to make any decisions today. Take your time to decide. It sounds like you have a heck of a lot more talking and thinking to do before you get your head around it all, and figure out how to deal with it. Time away from your partner might help. Would he move out temporarily? Would you want him to?

lorrainebrowne

He is hardly at home as it is, hence, why he may have strayed more than once. The other child was a massive secret in his life and only came out when maintenance was demanded of him. he thought he could ignore the fact and the child would be taken care of by its mother which clearly isn't the case because she was struggling and had to ask for maintenance. I know myself children take up so much time and money. I'm not saying i would have liked him to tell me and i'd be all right about it but i do admit he has to support his child. I'm wondering now does he have to pay half of everything for the child as it grows? and maintenance amount changing from time to time?

eviltwin

Just out of interest did he know himself he had a child or has he just found out as a result of the court case?

I think you need to take some time to first of all absorb what you have just found out. Then and only then can you start thinking about what your next step would be. I think for me the hardest thing would be if he knew all along about this child and kept it from me rather than the act of cheating itself. He seems to have only told you because he had to...if the mother of this child had not taken him to court would he ever have said anything?

I'm not sure I could stay with someone capable of that kind of long term deception and the way he has treated his child and his/her mother is nothing short of disgraceful.

LegacyUser

When you say you found out, have you actually confirmed it and spoken to him about it, both the history of how it got to this and what he intends to do next? If this is what happened then his behaviour is deplorable on so many levels, but take time to make sure you're properly informed before you make any decisions. Best of luck with it.

Dixie Chick

God you poor thing, I say the pain is horrific.

As the above poster said, you do not need to make any decisions today, although what his actions and subsequent actions were will probably be too much for you to handle at times.

Just make sure you are financially secure for yourself and your child. A house is essentially a loan and is never enough to tie you to someone xx

Take care

lorrainebrowne

Yes, He admitted to me he knew from the start of her pregnancy. But tried to keep it secret from me until the maintenance order hit the mat...

Dixie Chick

lorrainebrowne wrote: »

Yes, He admitted to me he knew from the start of her pregnancy. But tried to keep it secret from me until the maintenance order hit the mat...

You know, sometimes its not the mistake someone makes but their subsequent actions that are nearly harder to deal with. I really really feel for you here, it must be so very hard to accept.

Carriexx

Don't make any rash decisions, you are implying you want to stay for the house etc. Maybe wait a week or two before you make any rash decisions as I am sure you are going to go through alot in the next little while

Big Bag of Chips

The court will order an amount to be paid as maintenance. He will then have to pay this amount until the child is 18 or 23 if they remain in full time education. The mother can request for the amount to be varied at anytime if she find that his contribution is not covering half the child's expenses.. Starting school, starting secondary school etc. He may also request the amount to be varied if his circumstances change, drop in income etc.

Make no mistake if you stay with him you will be subsiding, either directly or indirectly, his maintenance to the other child. You have no financial obligation to the child, but if he's short one month because of maintenance you will pick up the slack in your own house.

Nobody can make this decision for you. And nobody can tell you you are wrong whatever decision you do make. But just think about all the eventualities over the next 40 years.. Will there be access? Overnights? When will you tell your own child?

You have a lot to consider. There's no rush to decide anything.

GaGa21

This must be so hard for you OP but you need to think how you feel about your partner before you react.
IMO there are 2 seperate issues. 1 is the cheating. Unfortunately a lot of people will cheat on their partners. But most will get away with it, the others end up in this or similiar situations. So can you forgive him? Could you have forgiven him if no baby was conceived? Is he prepared to work on your relationship with counselling as to the reasons why he cheated? Is he a good enough partner and father that you are willing to work on your relationship?
The 2nd issue is his relationship with the baby. I personally wouldn't want to be with someone who was not a good father, no matter what the situation. Apart from financially, is he going to step up to the plate and accept his responsibilities? Are you prepared for it if he does? Not just financially but emotionally and physically too. After all, the child is the innocent party to all this. You are too but at least you can choose what your future will be. Will it be with or without your partner and his baby?

Magicmatilda

It sounds like he wasn't just going to keep you in the dark but that he was going to deprive your child of knowing they had a sibling. I mean imagine the devastation if your child had only found out when they were 16 or something.

I really don't think this is something I could forgive, whatever about the initial affair. Was it an affair or a one night stand? He is otherwise a good husband or father? you say he is hardly ever there why is that?

I would seek legal advice regarding the situation with the house. It may be possible for you to buy him out? If you separate he will be required to pay maintainence to you also and I am not sure if when that goes to court how his previous maintainence arrangement will affect it. So could you child be left with very little because he is paying for another child. Go and talk to a solicitor about that.

Personally I would not stay, it would be difficult but there are plenty of single mothers surviving and I can't help feel I would find it easier to do that than to share a home and a bed ith a man who decieved me so terribly, who decieved my child, who I had lost all respect for. Doing that would kill my spirit.

All the best, I feel for you!

ABajaninCork

OP - I've been on the other side of the coin. But I didn't meet my siblings until I was much older and in another country. Bit of a shock, and not nice, but you cope.

But right now, you need room to breathe. Is the child for whom he has to pay maintenance his - i.e. has a DNA test been done to determine paternity? Have you spoken to your partner in depth about this? What does he say, and how does he intend to handle the fact your child and his outside child are half siblings? Is he going to introduce them and let then have some kind of relationship??

Then there's the question of whether you intend to stay together or not. Only you can decide that. It's a huge decision and you should take your time and think over everything very carefully.

Finally - your house. Is it in both names? Who pays the mortgage? Is the fact your partner now needs to pay maintenance going to affect his ability to pay the mortgage and bills in your own home? You need to get legal advice about this and quickly.

Personally, the fact he cheated and had to dragged kicking and screaming to court for support (if the child is his) would be dealbreakers for me. I'm just glad I'm not the one to make that decision.

I wish you the very best of luck.

m'lady

lorrainebrowne wrote: »

Yes, He admitted to me he knew from the start of her pregnancy. But tried to keep it secret from me until the maintenance order hit the mat...

I've been in your shoes OP, except he didn't have the balls to tell me at all, was when the maintenance order arrived in the post (thankfully we had split up by then and I had started to move on, had met someone etc). This person was always the one to say in conversations that he'd never cheat, and if he thought he wanted to, he'd finish our relationship, and 'sure who'd have me?' attitude, all bull**** out of his mouth. He even completely denied it when I confronted him, imagine denying your own child? It was there and then I realised when he was made of, and I can honestly say I'm so much happier.

I understand how your feeling, and I can't tell you what to do, but he has seriously betrayed you and your child, and has treated another woman and their child pretty bad too ( by denying their existence)... Do you want to be with kind of person ?

lorrainebrowne

Hi everyone and thanks for all the advice.

I know there is now a lot of talking about this situation. He is a bit heartless towards his other child. He never turned up for court and the amount he had to pay was posted out to him, which he's been paying. He doesn't want to acknowledge that they exist. I have no hate towards the other girl and child. He has admitted to me he knew her for years. it wasn't a one night stand. I do know the other girl is struggling and that's the reason for maintenance being sought.

He's quite an arrogant guy, i do believe he's only paying because he could be jailed. There was no DNA test sought on his part as he had been named on the babies birth cert!!!!!!

Its very strange but i actually feel for the other girl and her child, cos god only knows what story he spun her. He can be good at the sob stories! And pure bull**** sometimes. I don't feel in love with him anymore. I purely am only around because of our child and the commitment to the house, which we are both named on.

I've been very unhappy with him even before this came out, Legal advice is my best bet in this situation so that's the route i'm going.

How can men be so cold like that towards there own flesh and blood? They have one child they love but then basically say the other one is dead to them and doesn't exist.
He will never let them meet or know about each other which is quite sad. He refuses point blank. And doesn't even want to talk about it much.

LegacyUser

<Mod Snip: Please don't unnecessarily quote entire posts. It just clogs up the thread with duplicate text>

He can only be named on the child's birth certificate if he turned up for registration of birth . It's very bizarre that he'd allow himself to be named as the child's father , but then refuse to pay maintenance . There are lots of porkies being told If you ask me !! It's also quite strange that he didn't stop matters from going to court . He knew he'd have to pay maintenance if it went that far , so why on earth didn't he come to some agreement outside of court of he wanted to keep it all hidden ? First and foremost , you need to put yoursef and your child first . Can toy forgive him ? Is the relationship worth saving ? If so , give it a try for six months to a year and see if you can learn to trust him again . If not , the sooner you cut your losses and get on with your life again , the better . Best of luck XX

Neyite

Actually that's true. My partner had to be there and sign the birth cert for our baby. The registrar specifically mentioned it when I got the forms to fill out that he would need to be there on the day.

You don't need to make any decisions right away,OP. and you can always change your mind in a few months time if you did agree to stay. Be kind to yourself at the moment, check out your legal situation and whenever you are ready, decide what to do.

ABajaninCork

I just hope that worm never takes sick and has to ask one of his children to bring him a glass of water. Sounds as though all of you might be well rid...

Big Bag of Chips

He is admitting to the bare minimum he has to admit to. Only what he cannot deny. He cannot deny that he has another child. So he's told you that much. As mentioned, for an unmarried man to be named on the birth cert he has to attend. Now maybe he did attend because the girl insisted. Her baby has a right to have both parents recorded on their birth cert.

As for whatever else he's telling you now... He's in damage control mode at the moment. He is trying to save his own skin, and will tell you anything he thinks you want to hear. There is a chance he is also trying to save his skin with regards the other girl. He could be laying all the blame for his disappearing act at your feet. Or, he may still be in contact with her behind your back but telling you he's not..?

He mightn't be doing any of the above, but he has proven himself to be dishonest and cowardly. It's not a huge leap to think he might be dishonest and cowardly in dealing with this on both sides.

Magicmatilda

lorrainebrowne wrote: »

He will never let them meet or know about each other which is quite sad. He refuses point blank. And doesn't even want to talk about it much.

This is not his choice. It is your for you and this other woman to decide whether the children should know each other and what is best for them. Personally I think they should, they are family, like it or not.

Anyway they will eventually meet because one of then will be curious.

Do his parents and family know? because they and the child are entitled to a relationship there also. If all parties want one.

I know of a guy who go a girl pregnant back in the 80s and completely rejected his son. The son had and still has a very strong relationship with his parents and goes to stay with them but has never met him. Weird but their ya go.

You don't love him, you don't even sound like you like him and why would you. Staying with him would be madness in my opinion, it will not be good for your mental health or for your child. A child will assume what they see is what they do. Imagine the impact if you staying with this man in your child's view of relationships.

Speak to friends and family and get a network of support around you. You will be ok, this will be hard but it will not kill you. You will be stronger after it.

LegacyUser

I think that your post is very sad in so many ways.
Your partner cheated on you and got this woman pregnant. He was named on the birth cert but did not have a dna test. Rather than man up and tell you what happened he waited for you to find this out.

The reality is that he cheated on you and has lied to your also. He has shown a total lack of care for this child in the fact he had to be taken to court to make him pay maintenance.

I am going to be honest here this man is a low form of life. He has only told you some things in the hope you won't leave him, tell people ect. I would get legal advice.
I would also let his parents know why your ending things with him and that they have another grandchild.

I think if you stay with this man long term your life will be very unhappy. In time your child will see how he treats you and think treating someone this way is ok.
Tell a close friend what has happened so you have someone to talk to when you get legal advice and move on with your own life.
Just remember - the darkest hour is just before the dawn.

Big Bag of Chips

He shouldn't have had a baby with someone else when he was in a relationship with you. So he's hoping if he ignores it (or pretends to) then you'll ignore it too. You mentioned he can be quite arrogant. Well I think that's obvious. He has told you the kids will not know about each other. This is your child's sibling. He doesn't get to make that decision without discussion with you. And by telling you that, he is letting you know that he expects you to help him lie and cover this up, to everyone, even your own child.

The kids are small now. It doesn't make any difference to them. But they will grow up. And the other child will ask questions. Does he expect the other girl to also lie for him?

He obviously isn't thinking straight. Or else he is thinking perfectly and could not give a sht about anyone but himself. Couldn't care less what affect his actions have on anyone, so long as he's alright and not really affected all that much.

Can you forgive this? People can, and do. But you should only stay with him if you genuinely love him, think you can trust him again and feel he is sorry. You can't stay just because you have a house together.

LegacyUser

If she has a court order for maintenance, she could have submitted that for birth cert ammendment.

It is possible he did not attend.

How old is the child and how long did he think he could keep up this lie for? Is it possible he just stuck his head in the sand and never gathered the courage to fess up?

Yes he will have to pay maintenance, but if financial worries are your priority, think long and hard about single parenthood for both of you, there will far less expendible income from his direction if he is head of his own household.

When you feel strong enough I would put ice in my veins and call a family meeting, and that would include the mother of his other chlid, and work out something, that is if you decide to call it quits and still have him in your child's life. Even if he decides to have nothing to do with this other child now, people do change their minds...{the most common age for men to change their minds is when the child is 7) and you would have to be prepared for that. Maybe a professional family systems therapist could help with this.

If he is going to be involved then like it or not you are all family. It feels like the end of the world now, but it doesn't have to be up the road.

LegacyUser

takeyourtime wrote: »

If she has a court order for maintenance, she could have submitted that for birth cert ammendment.

It is possible he did not attend.

She couldn't have a court order for maintenance without some sort of admission from him that he was the father (i.e name in birth certificate ) . Or maybe a paternity test was carried out unknown to the OP .
OP , the other posters are right . You need to take time out to reevaluate where you go from here . Having a house and a child together , or worrying about financial implications if you separate should not be a valid reason to stay . You need to decide what you want and it will take time for you to come to any decision . Seek counselling and contact a solicitor to see exactly what your options are . But most of all , put your welfare above all else . As long as you are happy , your child will be happy . Best for a child to be reared by a single , loving and happy parent , than in an unhappy marriage .

Dark Phoenix

Take time to decide what you want to do next and done allow anyone to pressurise you. Dont stay with anyone just because of a house either.

Basically from your post he has:
- cheated on you while in a relationship with you
- Never admitted to it
- Got a girl pregnant and hid it from you
- Had a child with her and hid that too
- refused to acknowledge his child or have an adult conversation about all this
- Dictated to you as to whether your child can have a relationship with his/her step sibling
- Dictated to you as to whether you can have any relationship with this child and / or the mother

Sorry but i'd be kicking him to the curb quick smart. Id say theres more gone on than he has admitted too. Its suspect that he was named on the birth cert and ordered to pay maintenance.