Depressing Homelife

mrog

Not sure how to start this

I'm male in mid forties working in a job I really enjoy with great opportunities and have recently gone back to college so everything looks like its going well except on the home-front, its more like a war zone.

Married over 10yrs now with two beautiful kids. Lately my wife and myself always seem to be arguing but is getting harder and harder to deal with and recently it seems to be affecting the kids which is killing me. I love my wife but I'm so tired of arguing all the time.

My wife suffers with depression (so I cut her a lot of slack) and as she recently lost her mother she is worse than usual but I find she just seems to have lost all respect shouting at me in public as if I was a dog. Very embarrassing.

To top all this off she rarely does any house-work leaving everything to me ( laundry, washing-up, ironing) spending all her time on Facebook and watching soaps; hate having ppl over as feel the house looks like a kip as its always on the edge of chaos with me playing catchup. I've had countless arguments over the years about this and she will help out in a huff but it never lasts.

Lately the stress has gotten so bad I actually broke down crying at home which really shocked me as I don't class myself as an emotional person.

I would love to break up but don't want to hurt my two kids and am stuck with a mortgage in negative equity on the Shared Ownership.

Feel trapped and depressed and don't know what to do, would love any advise you can give.

Thx.

ABajaninCork

What an awful situation - for all of you.

Is your wife having medical treatment for the depression? If not - that should be your first step. Have you and your wife ever been for counselling? You should also seriously consider that as well. If she refuses to go, then you should go by yourself. It'll be useful for you to sort out what you really want and how to achieve it.

Oryx

40s is when women go through menopause or perimenopause, which could heap more emotional turmoil into the situation now or in the future. Not diagnosing, just food for thought. It is not mythical, it can radically affect mood. Regardless, if your wife's temper is out of control, she needs to see someone about that. First call is her GP. Tbh, I would just suggest she goes for a full health checkup, and see if the doctor can guide her on her health and emotions as a first call. I appreciate it is a raw situation and youll need to broach it delicately.

You guys need to talk. You are both at crisis point. Maybe your wife doesnt realise that, maybe she doesnt care. But the longer you go on in this situation, the more entrenched you both become. An independant third party (counsellor) is essential to keep things civil, I think, given how bad things are.

Let the house be a kip. Its more important that you are not so stressed. Kids fed and clean is the only essential.

ManOfMystery

I'm going to hazard a guess here and say that you and your wife probably only talk (or shout) about things when they kick off? As most people do. Unfortunately, that's when she'll be in foul form and in no mood to cooperate.

The next time you have a quiet spell and are getting on relatively well, sit down and have a chat. And say you want to address these things. You need to do this in a calm civil way to get your point across clearly - you love her, but things aren't good and you want to take steps to fix them rather than give up on your marriage. And how she responds. As said above, counselling would be a great idea but even if she doesn't want to go, go yourself anyway for your own sanity.

Also, it sound like she's got into a bit of a depressive rut spending all her time on FB and watching soaps. It shouldn't have to be you to be the one to sort this out, but such is life. Do you guys go out much? Spend much time together when you're not doing chores or watching kids? If not then perhaps you need a 'date night' or some other shared hobby where you can spend time together in a relaxed way, away from the house.

mrog

Thanks for all your replies, I suspect there is no solution. She has gone both to her GP and has had councilling but all they ever do is prescribe anti-depressants which treat the symptoms but not the underlying problems. Your right we don't talk but it's not for the want of trying she just doesn't seem interested; I try telling her some story from work and she cuts me off half way through with "I'm listening", which totally kills the converation or she might reply an hour or two later after I've frogotten what we were talking about. Cannot get her to go out (cinema,pub) occasionaly might go to a restaurant but has to be a particularly empty one. This isn't a new thing but has been getting progressily worse over the years. Anyway thanks for your advise.

mrog

Thanks for all your replies, I suspect there is no solution. She has gone both to her GP and has had councilling but all they ever do is prescribe anti-depressants which treat the symptoms but not the underlying problems. Your right we don't talk but it's not for the want of trying she just doesn't seem interested; I try telling her some story from work and she cuts me off half way through with "I'm listening", which totally kills the converation or she might reply an hour or two later after I've frogotten what we were talking about. Cannot get her to go out (cinema,pub) occasionaly might go to a restaurant but has to be a particularly empty one. This isn't a new thing but has been getting progressily worse over the years. Anyway thanks for your advice.

ABajaninCork

Then you must keep trying. Get some counselling for yourself. As for your wife? It's possible either the medication doesn't suit her or it needs to be adjusted to keep her well. Did/Has she tried that?

tinz18

How many times has she done counselling? It might be a case of she didn't fit a suitable counsellor that she felt she could open up to and/or she didn't get enough sessions. If your wife found a counsellor she really could talk to it could help the issues you face.

Penny Tration

Has your wife been put on meds and sent to counselling by her gp?

if so, she needs a referral to a psychiatrist. Gps can be great, but theyre not psychiatrists, they do not specialise in mental health.

Teyla Emmagan

Could you afford a cleaner once a week? Even for a few hours? I find it very difficult to cope in a messy home too, it might cheer you both up if the place was clean. Your wife doesn't seem to be doing very much to help herself and is instead taking it out on you. She does sound like she needs counseling as well as medication. How is her relationship with the kids, is she a good mother?

redfacedbear

mrog wrote: »

My wife suffers with depression (so I cut her a lot of slack) and as she recently lost her mother she is worse than usual but I find she just seems to have lost all respect shouting at me in public as if I was a dog. Very embarrassing.

My personal experience; My wife went through a nasty bout of depression and became fixated on external factors (mainly me!) as being the cause of her feelings so, for her, the only possible way to solve her crisis was for me to change.

Of course as the problem was internal there was nothing I could do that would actually fix things and what she wanted from me became more and more unreasonable as time went on.

Like you, I was patient, understanding and made massive allowances for her behaviour. But the more I allowed the worse it got and I reached breaking point eventually too.

Things only started to get better when I stopped cutting her slack. I stopped engaging with her when she started rows - no amount of reason could get through her unreasoning thinking so I started just walking away. Instead of saying things like 'I don't think what you are saying is fair, can you not see that...' I started using phrases like 'you are being unreasonable, I'm not going to engage with you while you are like this. If you want to discuss this in a civil manner, I will, but I am not putting up with obnoxiousness anymore and I will walk away if you continue'

Initially I did have to walk out on occasion (and more than once I had to stop the car and give her the option of stopping the rant or walking home ) Gradually though she did begin to rein in her behaviour and my lack of indulgence made the first few cracks and led to her properly engaging with her GP and eventually coming out the other side.

Good luck OP - you have a tough station and I don't envy you, but there is still a possibility that it can work out for you if you can get her on the right path.

mrog wrote: »

She has gone both to her GP and has had councilling but all they ever do is prescribe anti-depressants which treat the symptoms but not the underlying problems.

Don't give up on this - keep going back and back to the GP, different meds, different therapies (and even referal to Psych services as suggested above) might work. Even if the meds are only treating the symptoms this might give your wife enough headspace to start to address the bigger issues if she gives it enough time.

Into The Blue

Hi op,

I'm coming at this from your wife's point of view..

I was, (without confronting or admitting it) battling depression and anxiety for a number of years. My wife was the main target of my frustration, as I knew she'd take it..

I won't go into the nitty gritty, but I came through the worst of it only after her help.

If you are truly thinking of leaving, first ask yourself if you would stick around if the depression wasn't an issue..

Your wife is in there somewhere. She's just buried under a tonne of darkness.