Why is he lying to me?

LegacyUser

This is a weird one.

I was seeing a guy, great guy, seemed to check all the boxes, was having fun till he put the breaks on and confessed he had a few things to sort out before he could give things a proper go with me (had a very long term relationship not so long ago) and he wanted to be in the right headspace but we said we'd stay in touch as we'd become good friends. I agreed but have been continuing dating and not putting any eggs in his basket. He contacts me most days by phone or text. I do like him and gut feeling tells me he's being sincere.

Now I don't like to second guess people however he's been telling me some lies. He's fabricating major parts of his life like pretending he owns the company he works for - he is the CEO so it makes no sense, if he was trying to but he went to one of his bosses 40th's recently and told me it was a staff member. (this is how I discovered, one of my friends knows his boss, but I haven't confronted him, I've been hoping I was interpreting him wrong). He tells me about huge money he's spending for the company but I know for a fact he doesn't own any shares in it.

There's a few other inconsistencies too, I mean, the basics of what he tells me appear to be true - the day-to-day stuff....

Other than that he seems legit, he said he wanted to stay in touch and keep the door open so as not to mess me around and he's done that, hasn't made any attempts to sleep with me, says really sweet stuff...

I just don't get why anyone would lie about such things

I really don't get it.

ThatFatGal

What other things has he lied about other than his company?

Meauldsegosha

None of us here can tell you why he is lying. If you want to know you are going to have to speak to him.

CaraMay

I just can't hack liars. It's a real turn off for me. The biggest question is why you would put up with it?

Typer Monkey

I don't think it matters that you don't get it. What matters is it's a really big red flag and you should be running for the hills. He's messing you around anyway. The 'I need to get my head together' line really means 'I'm not really into you enough to commit but I'd like to have you as a fall back'. That alone is a reason to cut him off. You should aspire to be with someone who is enthusiastic about you, not someone half hearted. The fantasist stuff is concerning too. If I were you I'd be thinking I had a lucky escape and make myself available for an honest, straightforward and sane man

jopax

I agree with Caramay & monkey. I think you are off your head to consider any sort of relationship with him. A liar is exactly that, why put yourself in a situation where you will be lied to.
I know you said he seems no nice and genuine but at the end of the day, talk is cheap.
There are plenty of honest and genuine men out there, take your time to find the right one.
Trust would be a necessity for me in a relationship & you can't trust a liar.

R.D. aka MR.D

Some people are liars and some people can deal with that.

My ex-boyfriend's best friend was a pathological liar, my ex was his only friend. None of his other friends could stand it. He was a nice enough guy but the lies are tough to put up with.

If you think you could be with some one who is a liar, then that's up to you.

Personally, there is no way that I would put up with it. I have too much self-respect to allow someone to insult my intelligence like that.

Barely There

workthisoneout wrote: »

Other than that he seems legit,

What?

He sounds like Walter fcuking Mitty.


He's a narcissist, fantasist, a liar - that's all you need to know.

Dump him.

Dump him quickly.

Gio2000

Sounds like my husband ...or at just another married man who wants his cake and eat it ! What line of work is he in ? Travel alot ?

skallywag

Are you sure there is no possible misunderstanding here? i.e. could he perhaps be exaggerating on things which are basically true, e.g. perhaps he does indeed have sole responsibility for a large section of the company, which gives him the power to spend a large amount of money on company business? You would not necessarily need to have any shares in the business to do the same. Has he actually explicitly stated to you that he is the CEO?

Tiddlypeeps

skallywag wrote: »

Are you sure there is no possible misunderstanding here? i.e. could he perhaps be exaggerating on things which are basically true, e.g. perhaps he does indeed have sole responsibility for a large section of the company, which gives him the power to spend a large amount of money on company business? You would not necessarily need to have any shares in the business to do the same. Has he actually explicitly stated to you that he is the CEO?

You can also be CEO and not own any shares, in that scenario the majority shareholder(s) might as well be your boss.

It sounds like it's a lot more likely that he is just outright lying to you, but there is no harm in calling him out with what you know to see how he responds.

As unlikely as it is even if he did come up with a perfectly plausible explanation for everything that doesn't involve him lying I'd still stay well clear of him. As another poster pointed out he is pretty much holding on to you as someone to fall back on just incase nothing better comes along. That's not the kind of guy anyone should aspire to end up with, and it's not a very good foundation for a relationship.

Stavro Mueller

I used to work with a guy who was very fond of making up stories and exaggerating things. I've no idea why he felt the need to lie because all it did was annoy everyone. You could say that he lost the respect of his colleagues because nobody could believe a word that came out of his mouth. Even when people repeated things he had said, they always came with a buyer beware warning. He was nice enough as a person I suppose but not being able to trust anything he said won him no friends.

Personally I'd consider lying like this to be a deal-breaker. You said you've noticed other inconsistencies as well, not just the CEO stuff. If he's lying about big things, he's most likely lying about small things. Do you really want to be going out with someone whose word you can't accept at face value?

Also I'd be harbouring doubts about how great a guy he actually is. Maybe he's charming and has a lot going for him but if he's a liar can you trust him? How can you say for sure that he's not just a better liar when it comes to certain aspects of his life?

LegacyUser

Hey thanks for all the replies.

So, being the idealist that I am (although aware of it) I was giving him the benefit of the doubt and hoping that maybe he was exaggerating. He called over last night and behaved as a boyfriend would...

Things got a bit steamy and we came close to doing the deed but I was never going to let it go that far. He also declined saying we would do it when the lines weren't so blurred, he also told me (for no apparent reason) that he falls in love easy and I should know. He said we were becoming great friends which is the best basis for a relationship. It didn't feel like it was insincere but because of the other mistruths I guess on reflection today I wondered if I was being buttered up.

I told him today that I was confused about our non-relationship and should things keep going the way they are I would almost certainly develop feelings which I'm not willing to harbour when it could potentially take years for him to sort his head out. I said I enjoyed our little thing but it wasn't sustainable at this pace and I would prefer to pause but keep the door open for him to come back if his headspace improves.

He said he's got "self-inflicted" stress he's created over the past year that he couldn't bring in to a new relationship unresolved as it wouldn't be fair on me. (I think this is relating to a previous very long-term relationship)

He also said "We'll see eachother again, I know it"

I guess the lies made me unwilling to give this one the benefit. Lying about the basic fundamentals of your life doesn't bode for a great relationship foundation. So, I suppose I'll put this one to bed for now. truthfully I'd love for him to return with an explanation, in time, but my current stance won't change. I would agree with the previous posters that when you meet someone you really want to be with - headspace isn't an obstacle.

Thanks a mill all

CaraMay

Sorry op. He still sounds full of waffle. Run and don't look back.

Jenneke87

Good choice, I hope the next man you meet will sweep you of your feet and treats you like gold.

shalalala

I am a fairly straight forward person. I would tell him that I thought the lies were shady and I wasn't in to it for that reason.

Good for you for putting it all to be before you got hurt!

Typer Monkey

Fair play for taking action. However the following..

workthisoneout wrote: »

I told him today that I was confused about our non-relationship and should things keep going the way they are I would almost certainly develop feelings which I'm not willing to harbour when it could potentially take years for him to sort his head out. I said I enjoyed our little thing but it wasn't sustainable at this pace and I would prefer to pause but keep the door open for him to come back if his headspace improves.

..reads like you've volunteered yourself for the back burner. I don't think 'keeping the door open' for this guy is a good idea. He sounds like a messer and a head melt. I think you'd be better forgetting about him completely not inviting him to pop back into your life when he feels like it.

LegacyUser

Yes, Typermonkey.... to be honest, I wasn't really sure whether to ad that in or not. For me (my personality) I'm always happier getting on with things knowing there's no conflict or bad blood. So, I guess I took the easy way out and was able to be polite and friendly for myself. Also, a part of me definitely wants to believe he was sincere and I am not gullible and in that unlikely scenario I feel it would have been unfair....Anywho.

I'm not waiting or holding out hope of a return. I noted that he didn't contradict my assumption that his head issues could take YEARS to resolve. That alone has made me assume if I ever hear from him again it will be a long time from now and I will probably have moved on. I''m 33 :-)7

Seriously thanks to all who contributed, very helpful!

osarusan

You'd have to wonder what kind of future he sees in your relationship if he's telling you lies* that he would need to own up to down the line.

Perhaps he doesn't think he'll ever need to have that conversation.



*As some posters have pointed out, he might not be lying as much as you think.

LegacyUser

Sorry to dig this up but I guess something happened yesterday that I can't quite fathom.

So, no contact since all of above. This is all fine, I'm busy at the moment with work anyway.

Yesterday I went on my lunch break at the same time I always do and as I walked the 10 meters from the door of my job to the coffee shop I always have my lunch at I noticed a car like his but then rationalised that there was no way he'd be anywhere near my job.

Now, he does work closeby (5 mins drive) but every member of staff in this coffee shop is on first name terms with me, they know my order by heart and we've been there together a few times and he's even joked about the treatment I get there saying it's unfair on the rest of the customers...

So, sure enough there he is buying 3 coffees to bring back to a meeting. He joked and said "I've been waiting here ages" and I was like "Wow, you're a creep" it was all very light hearted but I felt really uncomfortable and intruded on - if that makes sense.

I mean, I know he likes the coffee in this place so it's not completely unrealistic that he was genuinely just picking up coffees for a meeting but seriously, there's an additional 10 coffee places in a mile radius.

Anyway, he said "You could have gone to the place nextdoor" which irritated me. Then, straight away he said "I need to get back with these" and left with me feeling like a mug for a) seeing his car and going in anyway and b) feeling like this wasn't going to be a one-off.

Sorry this is so long but I've gone from not really worrying about the whole thing to spending far too much of yesterday trying to fathom if this was staged, or if he was on some ego trip knowing I like him and wanting to basque in it and then just wondering if it was a pure coincidence, but even if it was it's pretty thoughtless to pick that coffee shop

Yep - overthinking.com!

I half expected a text from him to apologise or explain.....nothing. Does this make him an asshole or is my reaction weird?

jopax

No your reaction isn't weird, he sounds like a complete weirdo.
Its like he is trying to play games with you and wreck your head.
For what its worth in my opinion, keep well clear of him, he sounds like a complete arrogant prat with a compulsive lying issue to boot.
Why go there?

Matteroffact

Why would he go to a coffee shop that was 5 mins away from where he works, the coffee would be cold by the time he got back !!!
He was obviously trying to bump into you there, knowing you go there every day, and then him saying "you could have gone to the place next door" was just a nervous comment by him, trying to throw you off the real reason he was there.

I think he likes you but maybe he is still in love with his ex and is just being honest with you in that he cannot start a relationship until he is fully over her. I don't think he is a creep at all.

CaraMay

I think he is not operating with all batteries. He tells barefaced lies to you and is then playing mind games. Avoid him op. Something is not right.

LegacyUser

Thanks all...

Yep, i've come to the conclusion that this guy is a mess.

I don't know why he showed up but every day since I've been paranoid going for my break and today I brought a sandwich in with me to avoid going out at all.

It really got inside my head, spoke to some guy friends about this who also couldn't work it out but unanimously agreed that whatever the motivation it was a purely selfish move.

So, on to the next

Stavro Mueller

Don't let what happened stop you from going out at lunchtimes. I've no idea why he did what he did but if you find yourself staying in the office or changing where you go for your lunch, you'll have let him win.

shuffle65

He turned up just to mess with your head! Don't let him put you off going out for your lunch, play it really cool when he 'accidentally' bumps into you again. Something's just not right about him, avoid him if at all possible, but don't let him mess with your usual routine, or your life. Stay strong!

ABajaninCork

Oh just carry on with your life and ignore the silly little boy. Why are you allowing this fool living space in your head? If he sees you, he sees you. You can choose to acknowledge him or ignore him.

Next!! This fool's just blocking traffic...