"Man" I'm dating is living with his parents.

LegacyUser

I'm in my thirties been dating this guy for a few months and he's living with his parents. When we first met he was studying, doing an intensive course with high fees so I guess I kinda got it. Well no, i didn't get it because I did all this stuff too, at a much younger age, and managed to do it while supporting myself but I guess I glossed it. I'm quick to find fault so I thought i'd be aware of it this time and let it go. However, it's three months later, he's finished the course and still living with mummy and daddy! We're not at the stage yet where i could sit him down and say i've got a problem with it as it's early days but am i jumping the gun if i walk away because of this? He's a great guy but ffs this is a major red flag in my book, whats wrong with a middle aged man that he can't stand on his own two feet?

Buona Fortuna

Hi OP

Is he financially able to move out if he wanted to?

Are his parents fit and able to take care of themselves? No long term illness or medical conditions?

Just working out that I was about 25/26 when I moved out. Girlfriend shared a place and I'd spend nights over. Year or so down the line we got our own place, and here we are 28 years later

Looking back though I don't ever recall being able to afford the mortgage to buy a place in London, we gradually moved further and further out.

I guess what I'm saying is, it doesn't have to be a problem - see where it goes.

Wish you well OP

Greenduck

I stayed at home into my 30's for a number of reasons. Mainly financial and because of my circumstances. A lot of people are in the same position at the moment and I think you're being a bit harsh in your approach.

If you are that put off by his living situation (enough to look over his other good points or the reason you hooked up with him in the 1st place) then you are probably better off making a break for it. My boyfriend was also living at home when we met, 2 years later we are living together and I am very glad I didn't let something so insignificant deter the relationship.

danslevent

Has he ever lived out of home? If he had before but had to move back in for financial concerns over his course,fair enough but if he has always lived at home,that would be a red flag. Context is important here,Op!

Tilly

How do you know he isnt in debt form owning a home before? You only know him a few months. He's hardly going to show you his bank statements. Give the chap a break!

BrianD3

Would you ever look at what you're written. You're not "dating a child" and he is a man not a "man". If you had any respect for him you would not describe him in those terms.

If, after a few months dating a woman described me in those terms for any reason or gave me an ultimatum to change my living arrangements, I would dump her.

m'lady

If it's an issue for you then call it a day, if he's as great as you've said then he shouldn't have a problem meeting someone else, someone that doesn't end things when they don't like his living arrangements.
Personally I think your being a bit unfair on him, I'm sure there are things about your life he doesn't particularly like, but maybe he's let that slide because he likes you and wants to get to know you better..

LegacyUser

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. Perhaps I am being harsh and I appreciate you guys putting me in my place. I really like this guy but to be honest I find it hard to respect someone who isn't capable of looking after themselves financially. Perhaps that is harsh but thats just me and as some of you have said if I can't overlook it maybe I should give him the opportunity to meet someone else who doesn't have an issue with this. I need to give it some thought. Would posters not agree with me? At eighteen we should all be able to look after ourselves. relying on your parents when you're an adult is a little off no?

To answer your questions, no his parents are not old or infirmed, neither did he buy a house. he has lived away from home here and there but it would seem to me that he uses it as a crutch.

the reason i don't agree with adults living with their parents is i don't think its fair on the parents. At an age when they're heading into retirement they should have to worry about footing the bills for a dependent adult. its selfish.

LegacyUser

BrianD3 wrote: »

Would you ever look at what you're written. You're not "dating a child" and he is a man not a "man". If you had any respect for him you would not describe him in those terms.

If, after a few months dating a woman described me in those terms for any reason or gave me an ultimatum to change my living arrangements, I would dump her.

I never for one implied I'd be giving an ultimatum so I don't know where you got that from. You haven't offered any constructive advice Brian, I suspect I've hit a nerve with you.

Stavro Mueller

danslevent wrote: »

Has he ever lived out of home? If he had before but had to move back in for financial concerns over his course,fair enough but if he has always lived at home,that would be a red flag. Context is important here,Op!

Exactly! Also you seen to be judging him because he did this intensive, costly course later in life than you did. I think that in itself is significant and may be shining a light on your different outlooks on life. It may just be that you're incompatible and his more laid back ways will drive you mental.

LegacyUser

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Exactly! Also you seen to be judging him because he did this intensive, costly course later in life than you did. I think that in itself is significant and may be shining a light on your different outlooks on life. It may just be that you're incompatible and his more laid back ways will drive you mental.

I'm not in the slightest bit judging him for doing this course late in life, I have the utmost respect for people driving themselves forward. My issue is with him relying on others to give him a leg up. I worked hard at putting myself through my education and i certainly didnt rely on the state or my parents to help with with it so perhaps i just expect the same of others. I feel a lot of aggression coming from posters towards me so I guess I am alone in my thinking that in your mid thirties you should be able to stand on your own two feet and if anything be the one to be helping our your parents and not the other way around.

mapaca

How old is he?
Has he lived away from home before?
Could he have debts from a previous mortgage or anything like that?
Is this course part of a plan to further his career? Improve job prospects?
Has he indicated that he's happy to stay put or does he hope to get his own place eventually?
Is he independent or does his mammy do all his cooking and washing?

I'm not expecting you to answer all these questions for us by the way, but this is what I would be wondering about and trying to find out!

Edit - I just saw you have answered some of the points above. Well it comes down to his attitude then. If he is striving to become financially independent, then great. If he's happy to live at home and rely on his parents forever then you have to think about whether he is right for you.

strobe

OP_datingachild wrote: »

I'm not in the slightest bit judging him for doing this course late in life, I have the utmost respect for people driving themselves forward. My issue is with him relying on others to give him a leg up. I worked hard at putting myself through my education and i certainly didnt rely on the state or my parents to help with with it so perhaps i just expect the same of others. I feel a lot of aggression coming from posters towards me so I guess I am alone in my thinking that in your mid thirties you should be able to stand on your own two feet and if anything be the one to be helping our your parents and not the other way around.

I think it's more you're expression of your attitude than the attitude its self. Your post is very judgemental and insulting and condescending and disrespectful towards the guy you're in a relationship with. It's not very nice basically and isn't balanced by any positive opinions about the guy.

You should probably just end things I'd say, if you're talking in a way about someone you're supposed to be quite fond of the way you're talking about this guy.

He'd probably end things with you if you spoke to him like you are speaking about him to others so it's probably a non runner.

LegacyUser

I was living independently until recently when my business failed. It left me short of cash and decided to return to study in order to get myself back into the workplace and I needed a place to stay.

I was fortunate enough to have parents who were welcoming of me and who supported my decision to return to college.

One of the fears I had was what other people would think of a guy in his 30s returning to live at home for a while til I got back on my feet again. Having read your post, I'd suggest that you find out his motivations for doing so.

Your "He's a great guy but ffs this is a major red flag in my book, whats wrong with a middle aged man that he can't stand on his own two feet?" would lead me to believe that you should get yourself a career man and someone who is financially independent.

I am dating someone who never saw it as an issue.

Regardless of your issues with his situation, it is the manner in which you expressed it that is harsh.

You should really just show this guy your post.

Stavro Mueller

strobe wrote: »

I think it's more you're expression of your attitude than the attitude its self. Your post is very judgemental and insulting and condescending towards the guy you're in a relationship with. It's not very nice basically and isn't balanced by any positive opinions about the guy.

You should probably just end things I'd say, if you're talking in a way about someone you're supposed to be quite fond of the way you're talking about this guy.

He'd probably end things with you if you spoke to him like you are speaking about him to others so it's probably a non runner.

Got to agree with this. I'm certainly not setting out to attack anyone. I don't know you or your boyfriend from Adam and can only go by the information you've given us. All I can tell you is that the tone I'm picking up from your style of writing is quite negative and a little aggressive. For what it's worth, dating someone who's still living with mammy at 35 would put me off if there wasn't a compelling reason for such an arrangement. So too would someone who didn't quite share my outlook on life. Maybe the both of you just aren't well suited and you'd be happier with a more driven person.

Big Bag of Chips

OP_datingachild wrote: »

I really like this guy but to be honest I find it hard to respect someone who isn't capable of looking after themselves financially.

OP_datingachild wrote: »

I'm not in the slightest bit judging him for doing this course late in life, I have the utmost respect for people driving themselves forward.

So do you respect him or not? You can't help how you feel. But you need to figure out do you respect this fella or would you rather be in a relationship with someone who is "driving themselves forward" and "looking after themselves financially". To be honest, you're not showing him much respect in the way you are speaking about him. He would be really very hurt if he knew this is how you felt about him.

It's not really a solid basis for a good relationship, is it?

Edit: And do you know that he is not looking after himself financially? Have you discussed it? He's living at home but he may be paying rent, bills etc. He may have gotten a loan from his parents and is paying it back etc. All you seem to know about him is that he is living at home. I doubt you know all the intricacies of his finances.

freshpopcorn

OP_datingachild wrote: »

the reason i don't agree with adults living with their parents is i don't think its fair on the parents. At an age when they're heading into retirement they should have to worry about footing the bills for a dependent adult. its selfish.

How do you know he's not paying his way?
Maybe there are other issues you don't know about. I know somebody who had to move back home because something bad happened them away from home and it took them a while to get back on there feet. Being at home gave them a bit of comfort.
The parents might have health issues that your unaware of. My father recently had cancer and my mam, me, my brother and sister and one of my fathers sister were told. He didn't tell brothers/siblings\friends and we didn't tell anybody either.

Pinkmoon19

I have to say I would be inclined to agree with OP. However it is important to know the context, how long has he been living at home? Does he have any plans to move back out now that his course is finishing up?

I think if he has a definite plan for moving out I would be supportive, however if he has no plan and is 100% content to be living at home I would also find that very unattractive.

nc19

OP_datingachild wrote: »

...... At eighteen we should all be able to look after ourselves. relying on your parents when you're an adult is a little off no?.......

At 18 I was an apprentice earning 75 punts pw. How exactly should I have been able to look after myself???

I moved out at 23 shortly after I qualified and bought a house at 25. By your logic my now wife should have dumped me at the start for living at home......

skallywag

OP, what age is he exactly?

Matteroffact

It could be that he enjoys his parents' company and who says he doesn't chip in for the expenses involved in running the household. Living on his own in an apartment may just not appeal to him.

Barely There

I'd agree that it's a major red flag.

Unless there's a very specific reason, still living at home in your 30's shows a real lack of ambition, maturity and independence - all of which I'd find very unattractive traits in a potential partner.

LegacyUser

OK, I'm facing a lot of animosity and perhaps it's quite justified. I don't mean to come across disrespectful I guess I'm just feeling very frustrated about the situation. I genuinely really like this guy, we get on very well and I enjoy his company alot. He's very kind and he's good fun. I have however made mistakes with me in the past, the most common one being ending up living with guys who don't pull their weight and on more than one occasion ive been supporting men who basically turned out to be lazy sponges and i'm worried that maybe i'm missing something here.

He finished college three months ago, is not working, says he needs to figure out what he wants to do, doesn't know if he wants to work in the field that he studied.

Usually when we meet up we stay in my place but we live on opposite sides of town and at the weekend we were out closer to his home so we stayed there. The whole situation creeped me out, sneaking in at 2am so as not to wake his parents, it made me feel like i was fourteen again and going out with a teenager. That might sound harsh but thats how I felt.

And yes, i'm pretty sure he does his own washing, that one would definitely be a deal breaker

LLMMML

You're fully entitled to find his lifestyle unattractive and to end it. I wouldn't act superior with him or tell him he should have moved out by now. To me, it's perfectly acceptable for someone to live at home. I think you should realise that being magically independent at 18 is a cultural thing and not some hard and fast rule. I think you should drop your attitude, simply for your own personal development. Realising that not everyone shares your values, and their lifestyle does not even need a "maybe his parents are sick" justification , would make you a better person.

Emme

datingachild? wrote: »

I'm in my thirties been dating this guy for a few months and he's living with his parents. When we first met he was studying, doing an intensive course with high fees so I guess I kinda got it. Well no, i didn't get it because I did all this stuff too, at a much younger age, and managed to do it while supporting myself but I guess I glossed it. I'm quick to find fault so I thought i'd be aware of it this time and let it go. However, it's three months later, he's finished the course and still living with mummy and daddy! We're not at the stage yet where i could sit him down and say i've got a problem with it as it's early days but am i jumping the gun if i walk away because of this? He's a great guy but ffs this is a major red flag in my book, whats wrong with a middle aged man that he can't stand on his own two feet?

You only know him a few months so you may not know the full story behind him living with his parents. He has shown ambition and drive by doing an intensive course with high fees. Fair enough, you did it on your own living away from home but that's not to say everyone should do it. I did an intensive honours degree by night over 4 years while working full time and living away from home.

It was hell and I was quite bitter and hard on other people for a while after doing the course and had to cop myself on or I would have no friends today. For a while I was envious of people with supportive parents but that's life, some people have supportive parents, others have luck in other areas of their lives. My circumstances dictated that I could only get a degree by doing it the hard way but that doesn't mean everyone else should have to get a degree that way. I certainly would not judge someone for living at home at any age while studying.

Does he live in Dublin or a rural area? If he lives in Dublin then it's a no brainer why he's still living with his parents. If he lives in a rural area maybe one of his parents has a medical condition and he is helping care for them. He might not have told you anything about this because you are only going out together a few months.

Your boyfriend might have been in a relationship before and lived away from home with his then partner. If they bought a house in the boom he might have ended up in debt after the end of the relationship and one or both of them losing their jobs. This is a very common situation and your boyfriend is by no means the only man in that situation. Many people in Ireland who bought overpriced property in the boom found themselves facing two choices in recent years - emigrate or move back in with family.

It is only three months since your boyfriend finished the course. Has he got a job yet? If he has fair play to him in this jobs market. Maybe he is getting settled in a new and demanding job and focusing on this for a while before taking the next step and finding his own place. If he has a long commute to work that wouldn't leave much time for househunting. For all you know he could be looking to buy a place but after a few months together it isn't really your business where he lives as long as he isn't hiding a wife or partner away somewhere.

If you are not happy with his domestic arrangements end the relationship for both your sakes. He will have no trouble meeting someone else. I know of several couples where the male partner was living at home or in a houseshare and he moved out of that into the female partner's house or apartment.

The day is long gone where the man provided a house for the little woman - people live in all sorts of situations now. Thankfully women are free to earn their own living now and are doing as well as men in most fields. Indeed, at one stage most people who bought houses on their own were single women. Divorce and the economic situation has led to people in their 30s and up living in situations that would have been unthinkable 20 years ago.

Mr. Loverman

Although I agree it's a red flag, it's not the horrid thing you're making it out to be.

If he read your posts he would be wondering who the hell is he dating.

Either you need to change how you view these things or you need to break up with him.

But it's hard to give advice when so few details have been provided. Only you know if his time at home now is due to real reasons or as you say, a crutch.

DoYouEvenLift

The only time I'd be okay with someone living back with their parents past their mid twenties is if they were doing it to eliminate as many fees as possible, like rent, so they could save for a large down payment on a mortgage or something equally as important. Have heard of people doing this to save for funds to start up businesses and had it pay off so it can be a good thing, as long as the person is smart about it and has long term plans.

Pinkmoon19

Emme wrote: »

The day is long gone where the man provided a house for the little woman - people live in all sorts of situations now. Thankfully women are free to earn their own living now and are doing as well as men in most fields. Indeed, at one stage most people who bought houses on their own were single women. Divorce and the economic situation has led to people in their 30s and up living in situations that would have been unthinkable 20 years ago.

The OP actually never said she wanted a house provided for her. It sounds more like she wants to date someone who is equally as self sufficient as her. Referring to the OP as a "Little woman" is extremely patronizing imo.

Dark Phoenix

It is his choice to live at home and there could be many reasons for it from not wanting to spend on rent to finding it handy to liking the company.

However we each have our own values and ambitions in life and its important to be with someone who you value and respect. Thats not to say opposites dont attract but if you dont agree with or respect someones lifestyle choices then its hard to date them.

Personally for me it would definately be a red flag as I would want to be with a partner who is independent and ambitious and them living at home with parents for an extended amount of time in their thirties would worry me. I also would hate the fact that they didnt have their own place for us to go home to after a date etc, id find it really awkward having to have them at mine all the time or having to go to their parents.

My advice would be either find out more about what his long term plans are and see how you feel or break up with him and find someone whose values match your own. there are plenty of people out there who would have no issue with your boyfriends living arrangement and like wise I am sure there are plenty out there that share your view.

knucklehead6

Pinkmoon19 wrote: »

The OP actually never said she wanted a house provided for her. It sounds more like she wants to date someone who is equally as self sufficient as her. Referring to the OP as a "Little woman" is extremely patronizing imo.

no more patronizing than her attitude about her boyfriend.

I moved out of home at 21, was transferred to a different location with work and it made more financial sense to move back home. I moved out again when i was more financially stable at about 25 and i moved back home again for a short period in my early thirties to get together the deposit for my house. By the OP's standards that meant i'm a bit of a failure in her eyes.

She calls him a child for crying out loud... if that's not condensing i'm not too sure what is...

Emme

Pinkmoon19 wrote: »

The OP actually never said she wanted a house provided for her. It sounds more like she wants to date someone who is equally as self sufficient as her. Referring to the OP as a "Little woman" is extremely patronizing imo.

I didn't mean that and I wasn't referring to the OP as a "little woman". I don't know her boyfriend's circumstances but there are many men of his age in similar situations all over Ireland thanks to job losses and negative equity.

In some age groups (40s and up) it is becoming the norm for a man to move into a woman's house or apartment and if he has a property he rents it out. However in some cases the man may be renting due to separation or divorce where the wife got custody of the family home and children. Even so many men in this situation can easily find women who are happy to take them in.

It is easier for people in their 20s to find someone on the same page, but as people grow up and forge their own paths there are bound to be differences. A professional successful woman over 30 may find it difficult to find a man who is equally successful professionally.

The OP may be a long way from her 40s but I think she shouldn't be as hard on her boyfriend. I agree that if someone is living at home in their 30s and isn't motivated to improve their lives in any way it is a red flag. The OP's boyfriend has just finished an intensive course - he has shown motivation to improve himself.

Edit: I've just seen the OP's post where her bf isn't working and is still deciding what to do after 3 months of an expensive course. If he was job seeking and hadn't found anything fair enough but if he's not bothered looking for a job it's a red flag. The OP and her bf might not be compatible.

anncoates

I think if somebody I was seeing saw fit to sarcastically refer to me as a "man" to strangers on the Internet, I'd hope she'd do me a favour and move on.

meeeeh

anncoates wrote: »

I think if somebody I was seeing saw fit to sarcastically refer to me as a "man" to strangers on the Internet, I'd hope she'd do me a favour and move on.

Yes. It doesn't matter if he us a waster or has some genuine reasons for living with parents. I wouldn't exactly trust someone in his thirties who has to figure bout what he wants to do 3 months after he finished course. But that doesn't matter because it is clear from op's first few posts that she doesn't respect him anyway. So I really don't see the future for the relationship.

masculinist

If he is saving money by living at home then why not .has this guy ever lived on his own ?if never then maybe he has some personal growth to do. Otherwise it is a great way to save hard cash for your future. Plus it probably means he is not driven to bring new girls home with him every night ...how can you if your parents are there ? So maybe he is a catch , maybe not . Living alone is not for everyone . It can sometimes be lonely if you are not constantly busy.

liz lemoncello

OP_datingachild wrote: »

...

He finished college three months ago, is not working, says he needs to figure out what he wants to do, doesn't know if he wants to work in the field that he studied.


...

This would worry me. If, in his thirties, after having invested a lot of time and money in this course, (and, I assume he went back to school after working), he still doesn't know what he wants to do, then he does not sound like he is the man the OP is looking for.

road_high

I think we all have to have a plan...now he has finished the course, what's the plan going forward? Is he applying for jobs or what? Kind of with the OP here as I find a little drive appealing in a potential partner. Especially at his age. It would bother me a little but then I'd have to weigh up the positives of the person and see if they far outweight this situation.

danslevent

From what you described OP, I would find that really unattractive as well. So I guess it's up to you if you want to continue on with this relationship but I think it would be a deal breaker for me too. Best of luck with your decision.

Rezident

I stayed at home for years to save enough money for a deposit for a house because house prices in Ireland are, well I'm sure you know.

You said he's a great guy, what do you want? Would you rather a man who lies to you and cheats on you but has his own place?

masculinist

OP , its up to you. Women complain about male objectification of them but so many men find out pretty quickly that they are financially objectified when they approach a woman. So and so is the auctioneer, the accountant , the whatever but so many times I never heard his name being used. If you leave this guy it might be the worst decision you ever made, roll on a few years and he will find a job anyway because these things eventually happen when your bad luck runs out. Did he pass his exams ? Even the most die hard layabout will get bored of lying in bed unless he has substance abuse problem. What kind of relationship doesnt involve communication ? Do you ever discuss what you both want from the future ? I think a serious lack of communication is your relationships problem.

Stavro Mueller

OP_datingachild wrote: »

...I have however made mistakes with me in the past, the most common one being ending up living with guys who don't pull their weight and on more than one occasion I've been supporting men who basically turned out to be lazy sponges and I'm worried that maybe i'm missing something here.

He finished college three months ago, is not working, says he needs to figure out what he wants to do, doesn't know if he wants to work in the field that he studied.

Hmm. I can understand where you're coming from now and don't blame you for being concerned about this. I know people whose careers didn't get going til they were in their thirties but that was because it took them time to figure out what they wanted.

Is that course he did a blip in a life of mostly not doing much? Anyone can make a mistake and do a course they're not suited to but it's something that'd be a cause for concern at his age. What's his Plan B? I think the coming months will tell a lot regarding the sort of person he is.

I'm thinking the living at home is just a symptom of a general unease you feel about this. Is he living at home for long? I'm thinking he's probably still living at home because he can't afford to leave but it isn't a very satisfactory arrangement. Have you discussed it with him?

LegacyUser

I know one guy who still lived at home in his late thirties (or rather moved back home in his thirties) and it was because his parents were infirm and he was the only child left in Ireland. And he had a good job and was pretty much running the house.

In that scenario women were very sympathetic that it wasn't his choice but his duty, and he eventually married and moved out. He still has to drop by his parents house every day, but thats understandable.

I know one other guy who has literally never left home. He's about 35 now. He picks up random jobs and drops them months later - quits cos he gets the hump with the manager usually. He has no money. His Dad drops him to the Dart to go into town and see his friends. His Dad is in his 80's! His life is easy, and his safety net is large and generous - no wonder he's not that pushed about employment. Unsuprisingly, women are not impressed and are thin on the ground.

So it is all about context, and also about attitude. I would be seriously worried about getting involved with a guy who was content to live at home with his folks cos it was just convenient and easy. We've all struggled to pay rent, and we've all endured sh!t jobs to pay rent. It doesn't make you wiser to live at home eating Mammy's dinner forever, even if its easier and cheaper.

K_P

I think people are being very harsh on the OP here. I remember posting on a thread here a few months ago in which the OP was a guy in his early 20s who asked if it would be off-putting for potential partners if he was to stay living at home until his 30s so that he could buy a property and be mortgage-free. The unanimous responses were that yes, this was a giant red flag and no woman in her right mind would be happy to spend her evenings in her 30s hiding out in a guy's childhood bedroom watching Netflix on his laptop.

Here we have an OP describing that situation and she's being lambasted for having doubts.

OP, I think context is important but the context you've given - lived away from home but always returns, spent 3 months humming and hawing over what he wants to do now that his course is over, feeling like a teenager sneaking back to his parents' - is not the most encouraging.

I'd suggest a serious conversation with him. Not any ultimatums, which I know you're not suggesting, but to see if his aspirations, ambitions and lifestyle truly match with yours.

cynicalcough

I think your tone comes across pretty condescending, he is a man not a 'man' regardless of his living situation.

Having said that I would also find that kind of dependency into adulthood very unattractive and not what I would look for in a partner.

Shrap

I think at 3 months into a relationship it's fair enough to start questioning where it's going. At the moment, he stays at your's when you get together and clearly, you staying at his parents again is a non-runner. Have you said this to him? How you felt?

So over this issue alone, either you'll be happy enough with the arrangement of him coming to your's, regardless of where he's living or you will resent the idea of you being the only one to facilitate your meetings. Will you be happy to continue this way, or would a) prefer to also go to his place, if he got his own or b) consider him moving in some time down the road?

At 3 months, you're still only learning what he's like and he's clearly at a disadvantage in that he can't (right now) prove to you that he's independent minded enough for you. You're also at a juncture where this has become important to you, but you can't know until you give him more time. If you're willing to give him more time (based on how you feel about him otherwise), I'd suggest you knock the "man" and "dating a child" stuff on the head, and also the notion that just because you were independent at 18, everybody else is capable of that too. Otherwise, just end it now.

Stavro Mueller

K_P wrote: »

I think people are being very harsh on the OP here. I remember posting on a thread here a few months ago in which the OP was a guy in his early 20s who asked if it would be off-putting for potential partners if he was to stay living at home until his 30s so that he could buy a property and be mortgage-free. The unanimous responses were that yes, this was a giant red flag and no woman in her right mind would be happy to spend her evenings in her 30s hiding out in a guy's childhood bedroom watching Netflix on his laptop.

Here we have an OP describing that situation and she's being lambasted for having doubts.

It was the OP's tone and lack of information which didn't didn't do her any favours at the start. Now that she has given us those I can see exactly where she's coming from. Why she's so frustrated and concerned.

A man of 35 hiding away in his parent's house is certainly a cause for concern. Especially if he never properly flew the nest. If it's only a temporary arrangement and he's planning to get out of there soon then that's another matter entirely.

Just to add: there are some people out there who aren't the best at motivating themselves and need someone else to give them a little push to get them going. Perhaps the OP's boyfriend is like this. Whether she's prepared to deal with a relationship that works like this is something for her to decide.

Definitely OP you need to chat to him. Find out what his plan B might be. What his thoughts on living with his parents at such an advanced age are. Go easy though on the "I was independent at 18 and put myself through X and Y without help from anyone" line. It's really great for you that you did this but not everyone's so quick off the blocks.

GreeBo

I'd think it ridiculous if my partner wanted me to move out and put myself in a financially precarious position just because it made her uncomfortable.
He isn't working, even if he had a deposit in the bank I'd think it crazy to start pissing it away just to make you feel better about it.

I was in a relationship and had a house when I was in my mid thirties. The relationship ended and I moved back in with my parents for almost 2 years while I got my situation figured out and got myself back on my feet.

Sure I could have rented somewhere, but I'd then have far less money than I have now in my new relationship all to make some potentialy temporary partner happy? Forget it.

Stavro Mueller

GreeBo wrote: »

I'd think it ridiculous if my partner wanted me to move out and put myself in a financially precarious position just because it made her uncomfortable.
He isn't working, even if he had a deposit in the bank I'd think it crazy to start pissing it away just to make you feel better about it.

I was in a relationship and had a house when I was in my mid thirties. The relationship ended and I moved back in with my parents for almost 2 years while I got my situation figured out and got myself back on my feet.

Sure I could have rented somewhere, but I'd then have far less money than I have now in my new relationship all to make some potentially temporary partner happy? Forget it.

Yes but to be fair you had quite a back story. The OP hasn't told us what her boyfriend's history is. A 35 year old man who has never left home and is happy to stay there indefinitely is a very different kettle of fish.

Barely There

The whole living at home with the parents seems to be a lot more prevalent among Dublin people I tend to find - the most common excuse being 'I'm saving for a deposit'.

Amazingly, people who are not from Dublin seem to be able to juggle renting a place with saving for a house deposit.


I think people who've moved out from their parents in their early-20's generally tend to be more well-rounded, more independent, etc.

I wouldn't fancy entering into a relationship with someone's who's had Mammy cooking them dinner/washing their pants/hoovering their bedroom into their mid-30's.

GreeBo

Barely There wrote: »

The whole living at home with the parents seems to be a lot more prevalent among Dublin people I tend to find - the most common excuse being 'I'm saving for a deposit'.

Amazingly, people who are not from Dublin seem to be able to juggle renting a place with saving for a house deposit.


I think people who've moved out from their parents in their early-20's generally tend to be more well-rounded, more independent, etc.

I wouldn't fancy entering into a relationship with someone's who's had Mammy cooking them dinner/washing their pants/hoovering their bedroom into their mid-30's.

There is a big difference between *currently* living at home and *still* loving at home.

Spending money needlessly on rent just so you can say "I'm not living at home anymore" seems crazy to me.

OP find out why he is there, then decide if you can live with him or not, if you'll pardon the pun.

Deenie123

OP, it's been 3 months since his course finished and he's trying to figure out whether he wants to stay in the field or look elsewhere for a job. As someone in the middle of a career change (in my mid-20s, living at home so I guess a failure by your standards!), I would absolutely not want to waste the money and effort spent on the course only to end up in a job where I wouldn't be happy just because my girlfriend of a couple of months thought it was time I stopped being a "child" and moved out for the sake of it when I could have the ability to end up in a much more fulfilling role and move out a couple of months later.

You worry about your career, let him worry about his and if his doesn't suit you move on. Claptrap about being burned by moving in with guys who are lazy is just that - rubbish. Tbh, it sounds like you're not 100% happy with him and you're still in the honeymoon phase so you pretty much should be smitten right now. You're not, so move on.

dellas1979

OP_datingachild wrote: »

I never for one implied I'd be giving an ultimatum so I don't know where you got that from. You haven't offered any constructive advice Brian, I suspect I've hit a nerve with you.

OP I dont think that its hit a nerve with the poster that responded. Your comment is indeed very snipey.

So, I suspect that its a nerve with you. Nice try to deflect. But you own this one.

First of all, to emasculate means to "render a male less of a man, or to make a male feel less of a man by humiliation"

You say "man" in quotation marks. And call his parents "mammy and daddy". And the fact your username is "dating a child". Do you want to say anything to emasculate him further?

There could be a good reason, and you could ask, but no, youve already judged him, by your standards/world views and by what you deem is correct. Trying to humiliate a human being for where they live is just down right shoddy. If you dont like it, you should know better at your age to leave well alone than to humiliate (or maybe you like this/this is your nature-we know nothing about you).

And you are in your 30s, so I would expect you to know better, and be a bit more open minded, with things youve learned along the way.

If you already have a closed mind on this, I dont really see where this is going. I mean, you are name calling and emasculating him behind his back. That speaks volumes about you!

The real meaning of your post is "Im seeing a guy. I dont understand why he is living at home (Ive never had the guts to ask him), so Ill humiliate him (the guy Im dating/claim to like) instead behind his back".
Who is supposed to be the catch here?