Am I ok?

LegacyUser

Going anonymous with this post as I feel I'm subject to scrutiny otherwise. I'm 16. In essence I realise I'm a very priviallged person I have my health, family, food on the table etc, and yet recently I've felt particularly down about every aspect of my life. I've had a difficult time socially throughout my whole school life and whilst I enjoy the academic aspects and can be seen to be very studious , I find school incredibly painful and monotonous. I've had a turbulent time in recent years with bullying, moving schools and moving back to a school, conflict at home and this year my grandmother passed away from cancer. I'm not her to sell you my sob story, but recently I've been finding life incredibly hard to deal with, particularly school.

I don't have many friends albeit I'm a reserved and mature person who comes across as quite "different". I don't remotely relate to my peers and I'm finding I'm drifting away from the safety net I had last year in terms of friends ( My closest friends opted to do TY and I don't feel the same connection to them anymore). I'm not a judgemental person but I don't like my current year not because I feel victimised but due to their attitudes and "cliqueness".

The biggest mistake this year was opting to do 5th year at the last minute. It meant I didn't get all of my subject choices and I've ended up having to do Biology on my own at the back of another class as the school won't facilitate me doing both Chemistry and Biology due to lack of space and timetabling!. It's immature of me to resent the school over such an issue but I do. I've been through a lot in that school. I've had a burning desire to study medicine my entire life and couldn't genuinely see myself happy in any other profession. I'm doing eight subjects with a particular 3rd language offered as a extra subject instead of free study periods and I'm struggling to keep my head above waters in it as I'm stressed out to the max and fatigued every single evening. Languages are one of my strengths and it's really making me feel very upset that I'm not doing well in the tests. Besides this I feel so bogged done by it despite wanting to do very well in it and enjoying the language, when I'm underperformimg. I'm also not sure what the teacher thinks of me by now as she's on the verge of advising me to leave.

I got a good Junior Cert considering I had a lot of upheaval and I'm known to be a very academic student, but I tend to be a bit of a perfectionist. I'm doing fairly ok in my subjects although I'm not where I ideally want to be and know I'm capable of higher grades. I'm a diligent person but I feel quite vulnerable mentally at the moment, isolated perhaps?.

I've been through really rough periods prior to this where I've been able to come out the other side and stronger for that but currently I feel completely stuck in a rut. I do see myself having a future and the prospect of studying Medicine is keeping me going at the moment but I feel like I'm a shadow of myself since school started in September. Things aren't too good at home with a lot of fighting occurring and I suppose that might contribute to it?

I play two instruments and attend lessons and practice regularly so I do have outlets and I'm joining The Order Of Malta again as I gave it up during the Junior Cert earlier this year, so I'm hoping to make new friends as things are very stale socially. I'm living for college in all honesty and I'm certain that it will suit me to a tee, more than school ever did, as I love independence and meeting people with different attitudes and opinions.

I'm sorry if I've dragged this out but I'm generally not open about my feelings with others and prefer to express myself in other forms (such as writing). I know life is tough and I'll have to suck school up to achieve my goals but I feel completely drained, mentally and physically. Im looking to achieve in the 600+points region to stand a good chance of getting into medicine combined with a good HPAT and I know that if I continue to feel like this It'll add further to my stress. I know there's other routes to medicine but the LC provides the least stressful opportunity. I long for a release from this sense of angst and stress (I'm in no way implying I'm suicidal), and I know in my heart I'll be able to make it through. I always muddle through at the end of the day....

LLMMML

Unfortunately, nobody is going to be able to reduce your stress but you. This may be pointless advice I'm going to give because you sound very set in your ways from your post.

If you're struggling with your workload it doesn't sound like you're going to get 600 points. How many subjects are you actually taking? If it's 9 or 10 drop some of them. Why are you taking biology? Is it because you like it or because you perceive it's needed for medicine? If it's the latter then drop it. You'll be taught it in first year of college anyway.

What are your reasons for wanting to do medicine. The most common reason I see among med students is the prestige. It generally attracts high achievers that always have something going on. This sounds a bit like you with your two musical instruments. You probably need to drop one to free up some time. This isn't America where your "extra curriculars" are important. The CAO is blind to this so if your priority is getting 600 points then you need to make that your priority, not music.

The social aspect of life is again something that YOU have to change. With the small amount of detail you've given, the problem seems to be your perspective. You don't feel the same way about a friend who did TY, and you don't like the people in 5th year. Change these attitudes quickly or you're in for a lonely 2 years.

Going directly into medicine or going the postgrad route doesn't have to be an either/or. Aim for direct medicine, but keep in mind that if you don't get it, you still have a good chance of getting into it. But this idea that it's the less stressful route when you're under huge stress to do all these subjects and musical instruments, and now take on volunteer work as well?

To sum up: only you can make the smart decisions that will improve your life. Over stretching yourself is not a smart decision and will cause you stress and failure.

NeonCookies

Super long post - but this is something I feel strongly about as I work with kids in education - both those who struggle, and gifted and talented so I think I can help a little!

Ok, first things first - you're only in 5th year, so it's not as though you only have 6 weeks until the exams, so take a step back and don't freak out! You've loads of time to get sorted. Here are my tips to both help you feel better now, and increase your chances at getting your college course.

1. Drop one of the musical instruments for a few years (you could still play it for fun if you have free time, but drop the classes) - I played one during the last two years of school, with class once a week and practicing a little every day it was plenty for me. If music is one of your subjects, I got an A in higher level doing just one instrument in my practical, so you don't need two.

2. You're doing eight subjects. Biology on your own (!!) in the back of a class, and one extra 3rd language which is taking up your free study periods. Now, I did eight subjects for my Leaving - but my extra was music, 50% of which is practical, and I had one 2 hour class a week in it on Wednesday afternoon, so it didn't take much of my time. Biology, while doable on your own, has a lot of course material - do you really need to stress yourself out with it? Same for the third language, plenty of time for languages in the future. My advice would be to drop one of these and get some free study periods in school.

3. Do you have a study/homework timetable? If you get one of these in place now and stick to it, you'll be well ahead of the game and it will ease your stress levels as you'll feel you have a plan. There are loads of resources online to show you how to make one. Set an amount of time each weeknight dedicated to homework, then maybe an extra half an hour on one subject to go over notes/make notes. Schedule your instrument classes/practice too. On weekends, set aside a few hours (and be strict with this - you need time to relax too!) to complete any homework, and maybe do one exam question on a topic you completed that week - compare it to a marking scheme (available online). This will help you become comfortable with exam questions early on, and the greater understanding you have of marking schemes the better you'll do. Two exam questions every weekend will put you miles ahead. Get a folder for each subject and file away any notes you make or exam questions you complete - this will stand to you next year when the real studying begins. If you make a timetable and realise it's too ambitious (a common problem!!), change it. The luxury of starting this now is that by the time you get into 6th year you'll have perfected it and will just be continuing good habits.

4. About the volunteer work. I'm reluctant to tell you not to try it because you're clearly having a tough time socially. If you were in 6th year and struggling in school, I might advise you not to do it. But as you're in 5th year, if it's something you do once a week and it's a social outlet for you, I don't see why not. A lot of teenagers hang out with friends a few times a week even during exam years so I don't see how it's any different. Maybe tell them you want to trial it for a month to see if you have time to do it so you don't feel under pressure to continue if it really doesn't work? But I think it'd be good for you!

5. Regarding friends in school, in every cliquey year group there are people on the outside, it won't be just you. It must be difficult moving up to a new year group. Keep an eye out for people who don't seem to buy in to the clique and try to start up conversations with them. Don't dismiss your friends in TY either!

Finally, as you seem very switched on and focused I'll give the next bit of advice as I know you won't abuse it! If you feel like you need a break - TAKE IT! Don't do any homework or study one Saturday for example. Take time for you! Your mental health is just as important as anything else over the next two years and beyond. As long as you're following your timetable most of the time, missing a day isn't going to ruin your chances, don't feel guilty about doing it. Be aware of yourself and your limits and don't be afraid to say you need a break.

I'm sorry to hear things aren't the best at home too. My parents fought a lot when I was in school too. They were also incredibly strict and pushy with my education. Are the fights involving you? Or are they fighting with each other? Either way, could you sit down together and tell them how it's effecting you?

I hope this helps!!

Rubberchikken

while you sound like you have your future mapped out, you are placing a serious amount of stress and pressure on yourself for a person in 5 year.

is there a year head you could sit down with and go through things, talk things out.

wishing the time away to college which you imagine to be the perfect place isn't good either.
everywhere is only as good as a person makes it.

for the moment you're in 5th year. the people with are are just theat, those around you for the next 2 years so you'll have to come to terms with that.

you don't need to learn everything for the exams this years. study can be spread out to a managable level, so speak to the teachers.

let someone know how you're feeling.

if things are tough at home, is there any relative you can turn to to unload? your family needs to know that you're in a stressful place and that their actions might be only adding to it.

take care