Wants to be friends temporarily

LegacyUser

I met this guy, and we went on a few dates. Amazing dates. We are both mid 20s

I have a fear of commitment, i have low self esteem and with him i dont have any of this.

He told me this morning that he is just out of a LTR and doesnt think hes ready to go full blown relationship just yet.

This has shocked me, and i am hurt.

He told me he doesnt want me to leave his life as he does really like me and care for me, and tbh i do too. He has suggested being friends, just until he gets his head sorted.

I dont want to lose him, as i really like him and it is very rare that i like anyone.

But in my head, i keep thinking what if im just the rebound? Or that this isnt going to last.

We are up front with each other and i have told hi my concerns, he assures me that this isnt him letting me down, this is him trying not to hurt me.

I dont really know what to think, my head is telling me dont, but my gut is telling me try it, try be friends.

But im so confused.

Any suggestions?

Tokyo

Hi OP,

I appreciate that you have feelings for this person, and I appreciate that he may be genuine in that he doesn't want to hurt you and may even believe that he just wants to be friends temporarily for all of the right reasons. But the truth is, as long as you are carrying a torch for this person, you can never just be 'friends' with him, and as long as he's able to keep you on the leash of being friends, and not have to worry about actually calling it a relationship, he'll keep you there.

If he doesn't want a relationship right now, and you do, then call it a day and cut ties, otherwise you'll just end up getting even more hurt. Maybe he'll change his mind, at which stage you can decide what to do then. But if you go along with just sitting and waiting for him to change his mind, while he still gets your company without any of the associated risks, then you'll be in for a long wait.

Barely There

Sounds like he wants to keep you on the back-burner while he plays the field for a while.

If you think this will wreak your head, you're better off cutting ties now.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I just got dumped recently, by someone I was seeing for a few months, and guess what, he "ideally" wants to be "close, close friends" from now on. Puke.

It's just code for "I don't want you, but I want you to want me".

Trust me on this, OP, I am much older than you and I see my younger self clearly in your situation. Just as yourself, I then wasn't able to see it for what it was, and was being left heartbroken over guys who never deserved a second thought. It's just a matter of the hindsight and application of experience, OP, so hopefully you won't think I'm being patronising telling you this.

I am at the moment not giving "my" head-wrecker a look in. I am resigned to the break up and am treating him as I would any other friend, refusing his requests for one-on-one time together, which is, of course, driving him up the wall and having him texting me non stop. It would seem that breaking up with me blew up in his face somewhat however in your case I would suggest a different course of action because you don't seem to be sufficiently hardened to withstand the kind of headgames this sort of people like to play.

For you, OP, I would suggest dropping this proposed "friendship" pronto, in this type of "friendship" one person gets all the benefits, while the other person gets all the headwreck. Guess which is which.

Just ditch the guy and find another one, the world is full of them

And work on your self esteem, it's paramount!

blue note

OP, I’m actually in a similar boat to the guy you’re seeing. I was with a girl for years and am newly single. I have no interest in a proper relationship for the foreseeable future, although I would quite like to do a little dating. If I thought that a girl was thinking of something more serious I’d have to be honest with her and tell her it’s just not for me at the moment, even if I really liked her. It sounds like exactly what he’s telling you, and I think you should listen to him. If you want a fun relationship with no real responsibility enjoy yourself. If you’re looking for a partner I think you should look elsewhere.

Incidentally, I have my first first date since 2005 tomorrow. I was very hesitant to set it up at all because I don’t like the thought of leading someone on, but my housemate basically told me to get over myself, it’s a date not a wedding!

mapaca

It sounds to me like he was trying to let you down gently and not hurt you. However, he's given you false hope now that there might be a future for you both. You will only get hurt if you try to stay "friends" while you still have feelings for him. I would walk away.

njs030

If you have romantic feelings for him it's hard to be friends, but if you think you could accept a purely platonic friendship then go for it.
Try not to put yourself in a situation where you're 'waiting' for him though, date other people, see what's out there and let him have the space and time he needs.

I don't agree that he's messing you about, it's possibly he's genuine and doesn't want to string you along but I would suggest keeping it strictly platonic and don't let the line be crossed until he's ready to give you want you want.

tinz18

notjustsweet wrote: »

I don't agree that he's messing you about, it's possibly he's genuine and doesn't want to string you along but I would suggest keeping it strictly platonic and don't let the line be crossed until he's ready to give you want you want.

Also figure out where that line lays before you agree to be friends. My ex thought "friends" would entail dinner dates, cinema trips (just the pair of us) and day trips (because I could drive and he couldn't). There was no going to the pub for a few drinks with our mutual friends or anything normal friends would do. Turned out that he wanted to keep me on the hook and admitted he would've dropped the friendship if he met a new girl to do those things with. He was promptly cut off. Not saying that this is his intention but he could do it without realising.

I would say take a few weeks of no contact, often times when they're out of sight they're out of mind and you can gauge when your feelings can be platonic or purely romantic.

LegacyUser

Op here.

Thank you for your replies.

Im quite a harsh person and I never give people the benefit of a doubt, ever. That's not in my nature. So it confuses me as to why I'm giving him this...

I have taken on all of these comments. And after much discussion with my friends, I have made a decision.

I'm going to try the friends thing. But because we don't have mutual friends I'm a bit apprehensive.

If things get too much for whatever reason then it ends.

I won't just clutch onto the hope that he will want me when he clears his head. I'm going to be realistic and I'm going to try go on a few more dates with other people.

I am going to be selfish and put myself first, I'm going to protect myself first and foremost.

But like I said it things get too much or it starts leeaning out of friend territory then I'm going to stop. I know its easier said than done but I've been on both sides and the aftermath is agonising.

Thanks everyone for their comments!

Big Bag of Chips

So what happens if you become friends, and then that's how it stays, because he doesn't want to risk the friendship by getting into a relationship? What if while you are being friends, he meets someone that he does want to be in a relationship with, and then he drops you as a friend because he has no need for you hanging around now that he has a girlfriend to hang around with instead?

Being friends when one person is holding out for more never ends well. If he wanted to be in a relationship with you he'd be in it now. He wouldn't be waiting a few months/years and risking you, or him meeting someone else.

"We can still be friends" is the oldest breakup line in the book. It means, I don't want to be with you, but I don't want to be the bad guy and come straight out and say that.

njs030

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

If he wanted to be in a relationship with you he'd be in it now. He wouldn't be waiting a few months/years and risking you, or him meeting someone else.

"We can still be friends" is the oldest breakup line in the book. It means, I don't want to be with you, but I don't want to be the bad guy and come straight out and say that.

I disagree with these bits. It's perfectly possible that he genuinely isn't ready for a relationship. If that's the case he's being quite decent by telling the op now rather than using her to make himself feel better.


However, I do agree that unless you're 100% happy with just friends you should walk away op. It could well happen that as BBoC said he will decide the friendship is too important to risk a relationship, can you see yourself being ok with that?
If you're being friends in the hope he'll realise how great you are then you would be better off walking away.

Big Bag of Chips

I just can't think of a single instance where someone told another that they weren't ready to be in a relationship with them yet and then actually ended up in a relationship with them after a length of time.

It's usually used as a gentle let down.

I may be wrong. It's just from personal experience I've only ever seen it to go one way.. And not the way you hope, OP.

lazygal

Yep agree with everyone else.
When I was dating I had enough friends. I wanted a relationship, not a friendship. This person wants to have their cake and eat it and have sex with you when its convenient. The 'just being out of a LTR' is crap. People get over bad breakups when they meet the right person.