learning to love?

LegacyUser

Ok, I'll try keep this as brief as possible.

I'm a guy in my mid twenties.

I was in a relationship with a great guy for a year. Attractive, funny, great personality, and we got along very well.

Issues started happening when I started feeling unhappy about the relationship, I felt smothered and stuck.

I was getting pissed off about small things, like if he was asking me where I was going, with who, etc. Looking back the questions were normal for any relationship, but I was claiming he was overly jealous.

I ended it, and a couple of weeks later I was miserable. I missed cooking breakfast for us on the weekend, I missed lying in bed and talking, I missed having him to talk to on my lunch break. All the little things. I was lost.

Anyway, I called him up and we met for a chat, and eventually he agreed to give me another chance.

Things were great for a month, then I fell back in to the same feelings again. Feeling stuck, feeling smothered etc.
I didn't say anything to him because I was hoping the feelings would pass. I was also remembering the fact that I was feeling so lost without him when we weren't together.

Anyway, he broke up with me after a few weeks. Told me he was in love with me, and it was clear that I didn't return the feelings. He said I don't know what I want, and its no fair on him that I am so hot and Cold.

I agree 100%. I am not in love with him, and it was not fair on him. I do really really like him though. I feel like I never allowed myself to love him.

I went out last night to a club in town. Bad decision, I don't like gay clubs, never had. I find I don't have a huge amount of things in common with a lot of gay guys my age. I prefer meeting guys in other ways, through friends, through work, parties etc. Last night I had no interest in anyone. Didn't want to talk to anyone, as a friend of otherwise.

So I dont know what to think now. I'm not happy single, I'm not happy in a relationship. They all seem to end the same, I never pass the 1 year Mark.

So what do you guys think? my friends seem to think I can't commit, Or that I dont allow myself to be open enough to fall in love.

I want to fix this now, this is my third serious relationship, and they have all ended the same way.

I'm tired of hurting people like this.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, what am I doing wrong?

Shrap

I don't know what you're doing wrong OP. You enjoy the idea of companionship and then feel smothered when you have it. Why? You want to be in love, meet a great guy who loves you and who you're attracted to, but you reject him so he leaves. Why?

The only answer I can think of is that you're very afraid. You clearly haven't identified why you're afraid when you're in a relationship, but it is affecting you hugely. My fella was never in a LTR till he met me, and it took me to help him analyse why he was backing out (repeatedly, over the first 6 months). He was afraid of hurting me somewhere down the road by taking a chance that it would last, so he gave it no chance and pre-emptively hurt me. I told him it was my risk to take and asked him if he wanted love (companionship, physical and emotional intimacy, respect, friendship....all that good stuff) for himself.

I wonder do you want those things for yourself OP? When you are being given them, why do you run away? Do you feel that your independence is threatened? If so, you may find a man who will respect that about you. Do you feel you're not good enough for a LTR because of your potential to hurt? That's a risk everybody takes when in a relationship. Maybe, like my fella, you can't let someone take the risk on you, so you pre-emptively hurt them....

I think you need to see a counsellor so you can ask yourself these questions more thoroughly. You are definitely self-sabotaging. That much is clear! Good luck in your future OP. I don't think you have a lack of care anyway, you come across as someone who doesn't want to be doing this to yourself and others.

shalalala

To be honest OP, you don't sound very happy in general. I am not sure if it is actually about your relationship status, you seem to be a bit discontent with life.

I would agree to try to go to a councillor. Talk through things and if there are any issues hopefully they will be brought out.

Good luck!

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies guys. They're helping to get the ball rolling on figuring all this out.

My partner always said I was a very good boyfriend, respectful, caring, etc, but he said I was like a stranger when I started getting the "flighty" feelings.

I can think of a few occasions in my past where I have let people down very badly in other areas of my life, such as work etc. I feel like I have copped on quite a lot and I am very dedicated to my job, my family, my friends etc for a long time now.

I used to be so bad with commitment that I was afraid to sign a 12 month contract for an iPhone haha. Seriously! I'm glad to say I've worked out most of these issues, and taken more of a "f**k it" attitude to trivial things.

I have a history of panic and anxiety, which required medication at one point, but thank God I've moved on from that point of my life medication free for three years now. I've been very lucky.

I just feel like my romantic life is the last hurdle, I've a great job which I love, I've plenty of free time, I've a great social life. I really am happy.

I feel so bad thinking about how he is so sad and upset now, because of me. I feel very guilty.

I never fell in love with him, even though he is probably the person most suited to me that I've ever met. He is a very grounded person, which counteracted my extreme spontaneity nicely haha. I think I just kept my heart completely closed to protect myself.

I think you could have hit the nail on the head shrap, as all the time I was doing these stupid things, I was constantly thinking "why am I doing this to him, why am I causing so much pain to him, why am I letting him down again."

I always felt the longer I stay with him, the more it's going to hurt him. (I was never even thinking about how I would feel tbh)

Hopefully this is the start of learning to trust myself, and learning to not have such a negative outlook on the future of a relationship. I feel like if I learn to just let go and open up, I'll be half way there

I'm a firm believer that this happened for a reason, and that this was the last time I'll do this, and it happened so I will realise all these things.

Thanks again for the replies, much appreciated, and thought provoking

Semele

OP, you might find this talk inspiring and thought provoking- I definitely did!

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en

Shrap

doingsomethingwrong2 wrote: »

I used to be so bad with commitment that I was afraid to sign a 12 month contract for an iPhone haha.

This made me laugh! SO reminds me of how my partner used to be. At first, I'd invite him round for dinner on the next weekend and he'd invariably say "Um probably? I can't plan that far ahead. I don't know what might come up, like". I persisted though. Which leads me on to your next point:

I never fell in love with him, even though he is probably the person most suited to me that I've ever met. He is a very grounded person, which counteracted my extreme spontaneity nicely haha. I think I just kept my heart completely closed to protect myself.

If you protected yourself from feeling, then that sounds like the only reason you weren't in love with him. My partner was also not "in love" with me (can't do without me now apparently. I wore him down ;-) ) but I knew he was right for me and gave him a number of chances to fight his demons.

Someone will persist with you too one day, but it would be cool if you did some work on this so they didn't have to persuade you to see the wood for the trees. I don't want to fill you with more regrets, but the way you described your ex just there sounds like love to me. Maybe not "honeymoon" lovey dovey stuff, but love nonetheless.


Next!

I always felt the longer I stay with him, the more it's going to hurt him. (I was never even thinking about how I would feel tbh)

His feelings were for him to risk, not for you to protect. Deal with your own feelings in a relationship. If you are uncomfortable and feeling smothered, those feelings are something for you to work on (possibly with your partner, if you communicate them), not to protect your partner from by backing off.

Again, best of luck in future OP.

Edit: (sorry, my posts are always too long) Try not to feel guilty about your ex. It's not like you meant to hurt him, and you hurt yourself in the process as well. I think you're doing well to recognise this issue when you're only in your mid 20's. Keep on keeping on OP.

Shrap

Semele wrote: »

OP, you might find this talk inspiring and thought provoking- I definitely did!

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en

That is awesome Semele. Really inspiring :-)