Girl says she's pregnant by my brother

LegacyUser

Looking for advice.....my brother had a drunken one night stand a while back without protection. He'd never met the girl before and at the time they became friends on Facebook. Last Wednesday she texted him to meet up and they had sex again, protected. On Friday she contacted him to say she was six weeks pregnant from him by the one night stand. She says she is having an abortion in England next week.

He is in bits and doesn't know what to do. He says as far as he knows she would sleep around so how does he know it's his? If it is his he is in a moral dilemma about the abortion, he is 27 but quite immature.

I find it suspicious that she arranged to meet last Wednesday and apparently realised the next day or day after she was pregnant, as if she was trying to remember what he was like before she decided he was the father.....cynical I know.

Can anyone offer any advice?

Thanks in advance

LegacyUser

Ya tell your brother to grow up and to stop having unprotected sex.

Seriously he is 27 ( I thought you were going to say 17) he had unprotected sex and now needs to deal with the fall out. You both need to stop blaming the girl there was two people involved. I mean really as far as he knows she sleeps around ffs what a cop out. He is an adult and needs to start acting like one. First step meet up with the girl no sex this time and talk the situation out. take things from there.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply....I agree and I've told him as much. I did say he's an immature 27 year old. In his defence he just wants to know if it is his and is worried as she has told him she is having an abortion. I just think it's odd that she says she found out herself and booked flights to England all in the space of one day. He has spoken to her about it but I suppose doesn't trust her.

mapaca

Seriously27 wrote: »

Ya tell your brother to grow up and to stop having unprotected sex.

Seriously he is 27 ( I thought you were going to say 17) he had unprotected sex and now needs to deal with the fall out. You both need to stop blaming the girl there was two people involved. I mean really as far as he knows she sleeps around ffs what a cop out. He is an adult and needs to start acting like one. First step meet up with the girl no sex this time and talk the situation out. take things from there.

This is what I was going to say! He had unprotected sex, he has to face the consequences.

FactCheck

She could very easily have been sussing him out to see if he was going to be supportive or not.

Some people being told this would freak out, call her names, spread it around town that she's a baby killer.

Obviously the ethical thing for her to do was let him know what was happening but I can't blame her for wanting to be sure he wouldn't go all Youth Defence on her if she told him the truth.

He should contribute towards her costs (this is probably costing her the best part of a grand).

And thank his lucky stars he won't be tied to her for life.

iusedtoknow

Who knew that unprotected sex with someone who apparently sleeps around could lead to a situation like this?

While the kid may not be his, it isn't any of his business who she sleeps with....the honorable thing to do is offer to pay for part of the abortion in the UK. There are no other moral or ethical issues at stake. I know what you and your brother want to hear is that the kid probably isn't is and he should go on with life...but no one can say that - there is just as much chance that she is pregnant by him

She has made her decision to abort (which is not an easy one to make) and had enough about her to tell the guy she thinks is the father.

He needs to grow up and learn from this situation...Also...if she sleeps around half as much as your brother says she does (Which i doubt..) then he needs to worry about STD testing FAR more than her going off to get an abortion

Idle Passerby

Has it occurred to you she may have already known she was pregnant when she asked him to meet her? In all probability she met him to tell him but chickened out when they were face to face.

Her sex life is completely irrelevant seeing as your brother is also in the habit of having unprotected sex with strangers, he hardly has the moral high ground here.

And seeing as she planned to abort before even telling him about the pregnancy says to me she must be fairly sure he's the father and all she appears to be looking for is some support and to let him know what her plan is. You cant blame her for that. She's making a very difficult decision on her own, she deserves a bit of support.

Maybe this is the kick in the pants that will make your brother finally grow up. And yes, he needs to contribute financially, and offer to go with her.

Big Bag of Chips

What advice are you looking for? He had unprotected sex with a girl he didn't know. Yet he knows she "sleeps around"? Same way as she now knows he sleeps around, I suppose. He's 27. Immature or not he's 27, and he's big enough to deal with his own messes. Why are you involved? I don't mean that in a bitchy way by the way, but I'm just wondering what it is you are looking for from people here.

The girl may or may not be pregnant. But that's a chance a fella takes when he has unprotected sex with anyone. She may or may not be honest.. that's the chance a fella takes when he has unprotected sex with a stranger. He doesn't know her. So, right now the lesson he is learning is that he has to take her word for it, and he has no control over what happens from this point on.

Has she asked him for money to help her travel? If she has, then I'm sorry, but he should pay up and also offer to go with her as a support. Although she might prefer to have someone with her that she actually knows and trusts, he should at least still offer and genuinely mean it. And maybe the rest of you should stop following him around sorting out his messes. Maybe he's an immature 27 because other people seem to butt in to his business and try to fix things for him.

The best advice you can give your brother is to get an STD test. Suggest to the girl that she should also get tested (he may have caught something from a previous encounter and passed it on to her). And tell him to have a bit of cop on in future and not have unprotected sex with someone he just met.

Edit: By the way, you are doing your brother no favours by going along with his theory that she obviously sleeps around and the baby, if there is one, could be anyone's. You are suspicious because she didn't tell him the night she met him that she was pregnant? Maybe she bottled it? I'd guess she contacted him BECAUSE she was pregnant and intended telling him. The fact that you jump straight to it being suspicious and thinking she just decided all this the next day is unfair to a girl that you have never met. I assume you think your brother is a nice, genuine fella? Wouldn't deliberately do wrong to anyone? Made a mistake 1 night and got caught? Well why would you not think the same of this girl?

Stop trying to make your brother out to be a victim, and stop allowing him to think that he is a victim. He was a willing participant. As was she. Now they have to deal with it.

Rubberchikken

What does he actually want to have happen?
Will he help her financially gping to england. Does he want her to take a paternity test first?

At 27 he needs his head examined to be having unprotected sex. And is this hasn't happened to him previously, he's been lucky so far.

He does need to start growing up. And what she does in her private life is her concern.

amdublin

I think you are helping him to be immature by getting so involved in his business.

In fact I think it's really weird you are posting here at all.

What advice is he actually looking for???

To my mind he has two options:
- Support the girl in her decision to have an abortion - emotionally and financially.
- Or if he would prefer she had the baby then discuss this with her, what this would look like in the future.

What does he actually want??

amdublin

Ps. As you brother has unprotected sex he should go to the doctor for an std check.

Mok

If your brother is upset at the thought of an abortion maybe you should talk through the alternatives with him before he discusses this with the girl.

Imagine him talking the girl out of the abortion, promising to be supportive etc. then once the child is born finding out it wasn't his.

LegacyUser

Anon today wrote: »

Thanks for the reply....I agree and I've told him as much. I did say he's an immature 27 year old. In his defence he just wants to know if it is his and is worried as she has told him she is having an abortion. I just think it's odd that she says she found out herself and booked flights to England all in the space of one day. He has spoken to her about it but I suppose doesn't trust her.

If she is having an abortion, he is never going to know with any certainty if it his child or not. She has already told him it is his, so what more do you want in realistic terms. A dna test is not possible if there is an abortion on the horizon. He can choose to believe her or choose not to or just die wondering.

If she is a stranger then how does he know she sleeps around? He doesn't.

All your suspicion is doing is procrastinating and avoiding any personal responsibility on his part.

You may find it odd, but that doesn't mean it isn't true. It's entirely plausible she took home a pregnancy test, got a result and called the clinic. She would see no reason to have to prove it to him as she is making the decision herself anyway.

It looks to me like neither of you WANT any of this to be true so you are grasping at irrational straws to support your perception she is a liar so no personal responsibility has to be taken thus perpetuating the immaturity, of which you are now complicit.

Morag

Anon today wrote: »

Thanks for the reply....I agree and I've told him as much. I did say he's an immature 27 year old. In his defence he just wants to know if it is his and is worried as she has told him she is having an abortion. I just think it's odd that she says she found out herself and booked flights to England all in the space of one day. He has spoken to her about it but I suppose doesn't trust her.

Crises pregnancy counseling and post abortion couselling is not just for women, he can make an appointment to talk to someone via www.positiveoptions.ie

Tramps Like Us

Dont give her any money until afterwards, and get proof that she is actually pregnant and gets the abortion

BabysCoffee

Tramps Like Us wrote: »

Dont give her any money until afterwards, and get proof that she is actually pregnant and gets the abortion

Do you really think someone had unprotected sex to scam someone?

kylith

BabysCoffee wrote: »

Do you really think someone had unprotected sex to scam someone?

It's not unheard of for someone to claim that they're pregnant, say they've decided to get an abortion, ask the supposed father to help fund it, and never have been pregnant in the first place. For all the OP knows she could have told five different men that they're the father and she needs some money to go to the UK to have a shopping trip abortion. It may not even have been fully unprotected; they may not have used condoms but she could still be on the pill/coil/implant.

I'm not saying that this woman has done that, I'm just saying that it has been done.

mapaca

kylith wrote: »

It's not unheard of for someone to claim that they're pregnant, say they've decided to get an abortion, ask the supposed father to help fund it, and never have been pregnant in the first place. For all the OP knows she could have told five different men that they're the father and she needs some money to go to the UK to have a shopping trip abortion. It may not even have been fully unprotected; they may not have used condoms but she could still be on the pill/coil/implant.

I'm not saying that this woman has done that, I'm just saying that it has been done.

I've never heard of this happening in real life. In soap operas, yes. I think you're making a bit of a leap in "just saying" this. As far as we know, the girl hasn't asked the OP's brother for any money for the abortion. That's for the two of them to discuss between themselves.

As I said before, he had unprotected sex, now he has to face the consequences.

ManOfMystery

mapaca wrote: »

I've never heard of this happening in real life. In soap operas, yes. I think you're making a bit of a leap in "just saying" this. As far as we know, the girl hasn't asked the OP's brother for any money for the abortion. That's for the two of them to discuss between themselves.

As I said before, he had unprotected sex, now he has to face the consequences.

It's not a leap. It's happened 2 people I know, and I've heard of others.

mapaca

ManOfMystery wrote: »

It's not a leap. It's happened 2 people I know, and I've heard of others.

In this case it is a leap, there's no reason to believe that that's what this girl is doing. The OP is suspicious of her but we don't know if she has asked the brother for money for her abortion. It's a difficult situation for them. Calling the girl's motives and morals into question is not helpful IMO.

CollyFlower

mapaca wrote: »

In this case it is a leap, there's no reason to believe that that's what this girl is doing. The OP is suspicious of her but we don't know if she has asked the brother for money for her abortion. It's a difficult situation for them. Calling the girl's motives and morals into question is not helpful IMO.

It's very common for a girl to get pregnant and have a couple, or more men pay for the 'abortion'... Not saying that's the case for the OP brother, just something to keep in mind.

LegacyUser

OP,
Hopefully this will come as a wakeup call to your brother, I mean he is in his late 20s not a teenager.
He should be glad that he hasnt been saddled with 18 years of child support.
He needs to start using protection or he will be taken to the cleaners. It happens to a lot of guys - and get an STI test, as soon as possible as well.

rainbowtrout

mapaca wrote: »

In this case it is a leap, there's no reason to believe that that's what this girl is doing. The OP is suspicious of her but we don't know if she has asked the brother for money for her abortion. It's a difficult situation for them. Calling the girl's motives and morals into question is not helpful IMO.

Why is it a leap? A girl that was friends with my brother years ago did it to a lad she was seeing casually. Told him she was pregnant, would have an abortion, he coughed up the money, there was never a pregnancy in the first place.

Yes, this guy is an idiot, and if she is having an abortion there probably isn't much he can do about it, but it isn't hard to establish that she is pregnant in the first place. If she can confirm it, then he can consider his position. If she has all the arrangements made then she will have a flight booking and appointment for a clinic confirmed.

As it was a one night stand and she slept with him again two nights before she told him she was pregnant, an awful lot of this seems very convenient in terms of timing on her part.

amdublin

Yes it's so convenient for this poor innocent lad and his unprotected willy that this bould strap of a girl is now pretending she is pregnant.

Ineeddollars

mapaca;92880051]I've never heard of this happening in real life. In soap operas, yes. I think you're making a bit of a leap in "just saying" this. As far as we know, the girl hasn't asked the OP's brother for any money for the abortion. That's for the two of them to discuss between themselves.

As I said before, he had unprotected sex, now he has to face the consequences.[/QUOTE]

It happened to my boyfriend. His ex lied to him that she was pregnant but never showed any evidence of the abortion and got thousands of him. It is a nasty thing to do but there are girls out there who are doing so.

The OP didn't say the girl has asked her brother any money so I don't think she is trying to scam him. Op, you need to leave your brother to sort this mess out himself. It's a difficult time for the girl, its not all about your brother.

mapaca

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Why is it a leap? A girl that was friends with my brother years ago did it to a lad she was seeing casually. Told him she was pregnant, would have an abortion, he coughed up the money, there was never a pregnancy in the first place.

Yes, this guy is an idiot, and if she is having an abortion there probably isn't much he can do about it, but it isn't hard to establish that she is pregnant in the first place. If she can confirm it, then he can consider his position. If she has all the arrangements made then she will have a flight booking and appointment for a clinic confirmed.

As it was a one night stand and she slept with him again two nights before she told him she was pregnant, an awful lot of this seems very convenient in terms of timing on her part.

It's a leap because the OP never said that the girl is looking for money. She said she will have an abortion. We don't know if she asked him to pay. That aspect was never mentioned by the OP.

If she does want him to contribute/pay then absolutely he should get confirmation of all the details. He'd be foolish not to.

Big Bag of Chips

Mod Note:
Can everyone please come back to offering advice to the OP based on what has been posted. Speculation and hearsay is just dragging the thread into discussion territory. If it continues the thread will be locked.

CollyFlower

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Mod Note:
Can everyone please come back to offering advice to the OP based on what has been posted. Speculation and hearsay is just dragging the thread into discussion territory. If it continues the thread will be locked.

Whatever advice is giving is just 'words' action is needed, he needs to find out if he's the father! hard to prove at this stage, I know.

eviltwin

CollyFlower wrote: »

Whatever advice is giving is just 'words' action is needed, he needs to find out if he's the father! hard to prove at this stage, I know.

He can't. Even if he could it seems her mind is made up. Hopefully he will use this experience to rethink his attitude to his sexual health and he might grow up a bit.