Au Pair - Single Dad

bajer101

I'm a single Dad and I'm in the process of getting of getting an Au Pair to help with my seven year old daughter. While I thought it may be a bit off putting for an Au Pair to come to a home with a single Dad, I have had no shortage of interested candidates. I think I have found someone who will be very good. She's a 19 year old Brazilian girl who has good English and who is already in Ireland. We exchanged a lot of emails and had a skype interview this evening and my daughter liked her a lot. But I'm just wondering if there is any sort of stigma attached to a single Dad getting an Au Pair?

We have just recently moved into a three bedroomed apartment, so getting an Au Pair has now become an option. I reckon it will be a handy number for her. I really just need her to collect my daughter from school and do her homework with her and mind her until I get home from work. I'm not looking for her to be a cleaner or housekeeper - just to give me a bit of a dig out when I cook meals for us all etc.

I've done a bit of reading on some mother specific forums (as they seem to be the best place to get info on Au Pairs), and I reckon that my situation could in fact be a very good position for an Au Pair. I'm an easy going bloke who won't be looking for someone to mop down the floors or iron the pillow cases. On the mother specific forums where they discuss Au Pairs, some of them seem to have very high requirements for Au Pairs, which I think miss the point of what an Au Pair should be about. Leaving out lists of housekeeping tasks that the Au Pair has to do and complaining about them being on the internet while the Au Pair is supposed to be "working", and talking about hiding internet routers. A lot of these comments are posted during working hours when the commenter is also supposed to be "working"!

They also seem to complain incessantly about the Au Pair's not completing the list of chores that have been assigned to them and I can't help but feel that they are expecting too much. I may have become a bit prejudiced from reading those forums as the shorthand of DS, DD, DH annoys me.

Anyway, my Au Pair will hopefully be starting next week and I will probably be back on posting that she is doing my head in after eating my DD's last yogurt and recording over Match of the Day.

sari

Why don't you get a childminder instead?

Big Bag of Chips

Everyone judges everyone to some extent or another. You've been pretty judgemental of others you have read about who employ Au Pairs, without knowing the specifics of their agreements. So yes, like it or not some people will probably judge you for getting in a 19 year old Brazilian Au Pair. Some people won't care. They'll be too busy with their own stuff.

I think that's what you were asking in your post?

This will be an extra adult, who will live in your house rent free. Who won't contribute to the grocery bill but who will eat the food. They won't contribute to any utility bills but will use your electricity, water, heating etc. You will also be paying her an allowance and giving her free run of your house. So it is not unreasonable to expect her to help out around the place. Hiding routers might be a bit much... But who knows?!

indigo twist

If your daughter is of schoolgoing age, I see nothing wrong with asking the au pair to do some cleaning and housework during the day - if she's happy to do so, and if you have a fair financial arrangement which reflects this extra work.

I really wouldn't be too concerned about any stigma. Every family is unique; go with the option that best suits your own family set-up. If small-minded people want to gossip ... Let them at it!

uck51js9zml2yt

Op it's probably within the bounds for some light housework, cook for your daughter and wash iron her clothes.
She's mainly there for your daughter so anything to do with her is doable.

It's a good opportunity for your daughter to learn Portuguese as well


The thing is to have a contract outlining all your responsibilities and allow for you both to get out of the arrangement if it doesn't work for either party. She could be the at pair from hell for all you know.

Good luck with it and don't let the busybodies get under your skin.

Neyite

So essentially your question that you were asking was if there was a stigma attached to a single dad hiring an au-pair? Because the rest was just a rant slagging off other parents -specifically mothers.

No, I dont think people will be all that judgemental of you. No more than you are judgemental of those mothers you describe anyway.

enda1

If you're overly concerned about the feelings of others by you having a young woman in the house, why not get a male Au Pair?

bajer101

sari wrote: »

Why don't you get a childminder instead?

Probably for the same reasons that anyone else chooses an au pair over a child minder.
- Cost. A childminder would cost about €250 per week, childcare about €150 and an au pair about €100
- We also have a puppy, so when my daughter is in childcare the puppy is either alone in the house or he goes to doggy day care, which also costs money. An au pair solves this problem too.
- I think it would be good for my daughter to have a female role model in the house.
- It's as easy to cook for three as it is for two, and even easier if two people share the load.
- It would be nice to expose my daughter to some different culture and language.
- An au pair would be available for babysitting and would also enable me to pop out to the shops without having to bring my daughter every time.

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Everyone judges everyone to some extent or another. You've been pretty judgemental of others you have read about who employ Au Pairs, without knowing the specifics of their agreements. So yes, like it or not some people will probably judge you for getting in a 19 year old Brazilian Au Pair. Some people won't care. They'll be too busy with their own stuff.

I think that's what you were asking in your post?

This will be an extra adult, who will live in your house rent free. Who won't contribute to the grocery bill but who will eat the food. They won't contribute to any utility bills but will use your electricity, water, heating etc. You will also be paying her an allowance and giving her free run of your house. So it is not unreasonable to expect her to help out around the place. Hiding routers might be a bit much... But who knows?!

Neyite wrote: »

So essentially your question that you were asking was if there was a stigma attached to a single dad hiring an au-pair? Because the rest was just a rant slagging off other parents -specifically mothers.

No, I dont think people will be all that judgemental of you. No more than you are judgemental of those mothers you describe anyway.

I was asking if it may seem a bit unusual, but the main thrust of my post was to give my opinion on what I had discovered about how some people treat Au Pairs as I was stunned by some people's attitude. I was judgemental of some people having read articles and reports highlighting the plight of some au pair and having read hundreds of pages of forum posts and scores of posts from some people who seem to treat their au pairs as badly paid employees. The fact that they were mothers is irrelevant - it was just that the largest thread about the subject was on a mother specific forum. Judging by some of the comments they made about their husbands, in these families the husbands seemed equally as bad. It did seem the same suspects though, who re-appeared every couple of months looking for a new Au Pair after the previous one had left after a couple of months.

There were plenty of people on the threads who were of the same mind as me and viewed taking in an Au Pair as having an additional member of the family and they seemed to have a much better experience.

indigo twist wrote: »

If your daughter is of schoolgoing age, I see nothing wrong with asking the au pair to do some cleaning and housework during the day - if she's happy to do so, and if you have a fair financial arrangement which reflects this extra work.

I really wouldn't be too concerned about any stigma. Every family is unique; go with the option that best suits your own family set-up. If small-minded people want to gossip ... Let them at it!

Addilynn Fluffy Dump wrote: »

Op it's probably within the bounds for some light housework, cook for your daughter and wash iron her clothes.
She's mainly there for your daughter so anything to do with her is doable.

It's a good opportunity for your daughter to learn Portuguese as well


The thing is to have a contract outlining all your responsibilities and allow for you both to get out of the arrangement if it doesn't work for either party. She could be the at pair from hell for all you know.

Good luck with it and don't let the busybodies get under your skin.

I fully expect her to pull her weight and to assist with light housework - much the same as if she were my 19 year old daughter. I think that is the way an Au Pair should be regarded.

enda1 wrote: »

If you're overly concerned about the feelings of others by you having a young woman in the house, why not get a male Au Pair?

I had thought about this, but my daughter shot it down straight away.

Neyite

bajer101 wrote: »

I was asking if it may seem a bit unusual, but the main thrust of my post was to give my opinion on what I had discovered about how some people treat Au Pairs as I was stunned by some people's attitude. I was judgemental of some people having read articles and reports highlighting the plight of some au pair and having read hundreds of pages of forum posts and scores of posts from some people who seem to treat their au pairs as badly paid employees. The fact that they were mothers is irrelevant - it was just that the largest thread about the subject was on a mother specific forum. Judging by some of the comments they made about their husbands, in these families the husbands seemed equally as bad. It did seem the same suspects though, who re-appeared every couple of months looking for a new Au Pair after the previous one had left after a couple of months.

There were plenty of people on the threads who were of the same mind as me and viewed taking in an Au Pair as having an additional member of the family and they seemed to have a much better experience.

Yes the fact that they were mothers WAS irrelevant, but your original post was clearly quite scathing of mothers. You made no mention of fathers treating an Au-pair badly. I can only speak for my household but parenting decisions are jointly made, so if those mothers were landing a heap of extra work on an Au-pair, it was with the full knowledge and agreement of the other parent in the house.

It is a fact that Au-pairs are exploited in some homes by people who want a full time housekeeper +Nanny for a pittance. I too, read those fora, and some of the stories of exploitation are truly awful.

And equally, there are some Au-pairs who have zero interest in children, have never done housework in their own homes, and see it as a free holiday. Some struggle with the adult responsibilities that they are asked to undertake, some get homesick and some are just still moody teens.

A family member is on her 4th Au-pair, and they have been very lucky in that every one that they hired worked out well, was diligent, had a genuine interest in children, were happy to help in the home - in fact all bar one took on more housework than they had been initally asked to do, and when their time was up and they returned home, have kept in touch with the family.

I hope it works out for you and your daughter, and that your Au-pair is one of the good ones.

SparkySpitfire

Don't act like none of you know the type the OP is describing, this attitude is rampant and I can't stand it either.

bajer101

Neyite wrote: »

Yes the fact that they were mothers WAS irrelevant, but your original post was clearly quite scathing of mothers. You made no mention of fathers treating an Au-pair badly. I can only speak for my household but parenting decisions are jointly made, so if those mothers were landing a heap of extra work on an Au-pair, it was with the full knowledge and agreement of the other parent in the house.

It is a fact that Au-pairs are exploited in some homes by people who want a full time housekeeper +Nanny for a pittance. I too, read those fora, and some of the stories of exploitation are truly awful.

And equally, there are some Au-pairs who have zero interest in children, have never done housework in their own homes, and see it as a free holiday. Some struggle with the adult responsibilities that they are asked to undertake, some get homesick and some are just still moody teens.

A family member is on her 4th Au-pair, and they have been very lucky in that every one that they hired worked out well, was diligent, had a genuine interest in children, were happy to help in the home - in fact all bar one took on more housework than they had been initally asked to do, and when their time was up and they returned home, have kept in touch with the family.

I hope it works out for you and your daughter, and that your Au-pair is one of the good ones.

Thanks Neyite. I certainly had no intention of my post being about mother bashing. I was just highlighting what I perceived to be Au Pairs being treated badly.

I am meeting my preferred candidate this evening and bringing her to do a house visit and all going well, she will be moving in over the weekend. On our skype calls she has seemed very pleasant and engaging and my daughter really likes her, so fingers crossed.

indigo twist

What I got from the OP is that he's looking for more ideas on what are and aren't realistic expectations for an au-pair. And maybe a general discussion of the pros/cons of hiring an au-pair, and any potential difficulties to look out for.

I fully agree with him that the mothers he's describing are being unreasonable - and it would be just as unreasonable if they were fathers with similar expectations.

But he did mention that he found these opinions on mother-specific forums - so of course most of the opinions will be from mothers - he's not being sexist by stating the facts. He's not saying that women are more likely to think this way than men.

And in fairness, if I were to go researching au pairs, there are a couple of Irish discussion sites which reference motherhood in the site name and the descriptions, and these are the first places I'd look. I'm sure that, if there were Irish discussion sites with just as much input from fathers available, of course the OP would have researched these too.

ToTriOrNot

OP, Glad to hear you have found someone you think will fit into your family, and the fact that you have stated you will treat her as another family member, in fact like an older sister to your daughter.

One thing just in case you might not be aware, as the au pair you have chosen is not european, there are visa requirements, as far as I know, brazilians have to attend classes for certain amount of hours. I presume she is already aware of this, and it's already attending a course, just though you might not know this fact.

Other than that, good luck. I am on my second au pair (first one is still in Ireland working for another local family) and while things are not always perfect, I am pretty happy with the arrangement.

pwurple

Oh there are loads of au pair stories at my workplace and from my neighbours. From the perfect au pairs, who love children and teach them a bit of a new language... to the mad yoke au pairs who are all about the boys, ending up pregnant, to the glum depressed au pairs who lock themselves in their rooms for days on end crying for their mothers, to the ones who disappear leaving the children alone in the house for a few hours while they go off on shop-lifting sprees.

There is a lovely group of au pairs who live near me, when I was on maternity leave we would call in to them occasionally for a cuppa (kids are similar ages) and they would pop over to us for playdates as well. We don't have a spare room, but if we ever get to the stage where an au pair would come to us, I'd try to make sure she had a network of other aupairs nearby. To talk to, go out with, etc.

Big Bag of Chips

SparkySpitfire wrote: »

Don't act like none of you know the type the OP is describing, this attitude is rampant and I can't stand it either.

But it is not gender specific. There are arseholes everywhere. Some of them are women, some are men, some have au pairs, some use crèches, some of them don't even have children!

The OP was wondered whether people would be talking about him for having a young, female au pair as a single father and then went on to have his own say about others, specifically mothers, who have au pairs.

So I think you answered your own question, OP. Yes, people will talk. Some will have a very strong opinion about you. And some couldn't care less what you do.

SparkySpitfire

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

But it is not gender specific. There are arseholes everywhere. Some of them are women, some are men, some have au pairs, some use crèches, some of them don't even have children!

The OP was wondered whether people would be talking about him for having a young, female au pair as a single father and then went on to have his own say about others, specifically mothers, who have au pairs.

So I think you answered your own question, OP. Yes, people will talk. Some will have a very strong opinion about you. And some couldn't care less what you do.

Ah yeah but I don't think he meant it to be taken that way. The fact of the matter is these are "mumsy" websites so while fathers do frequent them (as evidenced by the OP himself) the majority of posters are women, and within the subset of posters who are arseholes the majority is likely to to be women too. It only makes sense!

You'll be talked about OP but if she suits your family and needs, the question is, do you care? (I wouldn't!)

bajer101

Thanks everyone for the opinions and advice. The girl I have chosen is Brazilian and so therefore does have to attend language classes. She only arrived here last month so will be here until next September at least and has already started her classes. Her classes are from 9am to 12pm in town and these hours suit me. My daughter starts school at 8:30am and I currently drop her off. In an ideal world the Au Pair would drop her off - and she offered to do this, but I reckon she'd struggle to get to her classes for 9 so I'll probably continue to drop her off.

I know there are good and bad Au Pairs and I did read about some genuine horror stories. I know I'm taking a bit of a gamble and I am relying on my gut feeling, but I do get a good vibe from her. Time will tell. My two sisters have Au Pairs and it has worked out well for all involved.

Me talking about the mothers who I read about who seemed to be exploiting au pairs has absolutely nothing to do with me having a go at "mothers". That thought didn't even cross my mind. I suppose it's just a natural consequence of it being the mothers who posted as the best online resource for researching the subject was the "mother's forums" - as has been mentioned. I could have been ultra PC and used the term "parent" instead of "mothers" but that would have been silly. When I was reading the offending posts that were getting my back up about how the Au Pairs were being treated, I was getting annoyed and angry at the humans who were mistreating other humans - not at "mothers".

Regarding my question about how will people perceive a single Dad getting an Au Pair, I have mentioned it to a few people today and no one has batted an eyelid. Most have said they think it's a great idea. Once conscious decision I did make was to go for a young Au Pair - a teenager - as opposed to one in their twenties or thirties, as to me someone that young is just a kid and I wouldn't even view them as a woman. I'm not sure how well this logic stands up but I do also like the idea of having more of a big sister for my daughter.

bajer101

There was one thing I forgot to mention that impressed me about this girl. Even though I was inundated with replies to my "ad", all the replies were generic as the website only allows you to send custom message with contact details if you pay the subscription. I paid the subscription and I assume it is generally the hirers who always do, but this girl had also paid the subscription so her reply stood out. I really liked that about it. It shows that she was serious and had a bit of enterprise about her. For that alone I reckon she deserved the first offer.

Neyite

I dont think you'd get as many comments as you think, to be honest. Its a valid childcare option, the people that know you, know you. Gossips tend to find gossip where there is none, and if you encountered some eejit making a remark to infer that there is something other than childcare going on, well I'm sure you'd be able to nicely set them straight.

Big Bag of Chips

Sorry if I took you up wrong, OP, but it was your use of the term "mother specific" to describe the sites. I'm pretty sure most of them consider themselves to be "parenting sites"! It was just that you came on asking would people judge you and then filled the rest of your post having a dig at certain posters on "mother specific" sites.

Anyway, just saw your last post. I hope it works out well for you and your daughter.

ectoraige

Regarding your concerns of what people may think, you can be guaranteed some people will make insinuating comments, given that they did to me when we had our aupair, the fact I'm married made no difference.

My wife also received some "ooh, la-di-dah" style comments from females implying we must be rich to have an aupair, when in truth it was the only option we could afford.

Don't pay any attention to it. The aupair we had was great, it was her first time with a family too. What did shock us though was as she started to make friends with other aupairs we stated hearing stories of the conditions others are put through. Some had 50, 60, even 70 hour weeks, doing all the household chores while the patents sat watching television. It almost seems the norm for families to take advantage of the young people working as aupairs, who generally are far from home and have no support. We had one of her friends stay with us as her family terminated her contract with no notice, leaving her homeless until she could get a flight home.

My wife has since taken a career break so our aupair moved on. It took het quite some time to find a suitable family who weren't looking to abuse the guidelines, in particular the working hours.

bajer101

I met the prospective au pair this evening and brought her to our home for a house visit and it went very, very well. She focused completely on my daughter and about what activities she could do with her during their time together. Her queries about our home were practical and not in the least selfish leaning. When we arrived in our home she parked herself next to my daughter on the sofa and focused completely on her. I had showed her the small double room that would be hers and that was fine. No problems or questions about that at all. It was just straight back to my daughter and more questions about activities and play dates and nearby resources for these activities. I gave her the walk through of the home and tried to explain the complicated central heating system with the multiple timers and she queried me on any misunderstandings (that's the bedroom timer, not the bathroom timer). Her English is excellent (with an American movie twang). She just comes across as a really nice girl and I got a lovely vibe from her.

She's moving in over the weekend but when we dropped her back home, my daughter asked why she couldn't stay tonight! It was easy to send the PFO emails to some of the other candidates whose primary questions were about the nearest pubs and clubs!

jamesbondings

Good on ya man!

Can i just say, i dont know (nor is it important) what the circumstanses of needing an au pair for you are, but i had multiple growing up.
My mother passed away young and i had great fun with our au pairs. They are a great source of memories for my family living as a child. We had maybe 4 or 5 growing up, some I can easily forget others I will never forget. One lady was from germany and i wish we were still in contact with now, she was the kindest person a 6 year old will ever know hahaha but always at hand to help with homework or cook food if we were hungry. There was a spanish lady (who, while im not in direct contact with atm i plan on meeting her soon as im in her area) who went out of her way to introduce us to spanish food and language and culture. She took it upon herself to invite a load of family over and then cooked us all paella.... I also had a few japanese au pairs.... cool feckers them!!! but with the good comes the bad.
Perhaps we were the type of kids who loved to rile people up (3 boys) but specifically with one spanish lady (not the lady mentioned above) we pretended to hurt ourselves while she was on the phone to her mother. we used ketchup as blood and began whaling outside as if we hurt ourselves. she didnt find it funny and slapped the two of us involved a little bit. once we told our father of course she was out the door. But what im trying to say is, au pairs create alot of happy memories for me at least. I always thought we were rich because we had someone who lived with us whose job it was to take care of us, i now know this isnt the case but it was great to have someone else in the home. Feck what other people think or say, the only one who is important is your kid, and keep in contact with the au pair because one day like i do now, you child may want to meet your au pair and her family. I am very thankful my dad kept in touch as I really want to meet the spanish ladies family and i plan on doing so in a few weeks.

Your kids memories of this will be amazing! And to even consider the option of an au pair I applaud you!

bajer101

The au pair moved in today and she is an absolute dote. We collected her this afternoon and stopped off in my parent's house so I could introduce her to them and my Mam who is a great judge of character loved her immediately. They both instinctively hugged and my Mam told me that she seems very warm. We had our normal Saturday evening watching a movie and Doctor Who, except this time with this stranger with us and it was absolutely fine. I asked my daughter is she was sure that she liked her and she paused for second and said, "Dad, I actually love her!" It's very early days, but I'm already starting to think that the only downside to this is when she inevitably leaves.

Drummer1967

I'm a single father since 2005 and in order to survive i had to get a live in aupair.I had seven of them between 2005 and 2010.some were good some useless.They were all female aged between 20/34.Certain people that i knew chose to delist me after i became a single father, and thats irish society for ya!...I was treated like an Outcast by others, but thats fine too.
Too many people worry about what others think of them,Personally i've better things to worry about

bajer101

There is definitely a subtle stigma and prejudice attached to being a single father. Nothing that anyone will give voice to, but it's there. You have to be completely beyond reproach and seem to have to prove that you are up to the job. So much for equality, eh? Doesn't really bother me either though as it's a useful filter for discovering people who reveal their irrational prejudices.

My first au pair has been with us for five days now and she is absolutely fantastic. My daughter adores her and she has fitted into our home with no problems. I had originally told her that I would like her to give me a dig out with cooking dinner each evening, but I have since changed my mind on that and told her that I'll cook dinner. Not for any bad reason, but simply because when I come home each evening the house is spotless and she has gone above and beyond anything I expected or asked of her with regards to housekeeping - and there she is interacting fully with my daughter! Coming home to that, I have no problem telling her to relax while I do dinner.

On paper, it might cost me a bit more for the au pair than for the cheap childcare I had been using, when you take into account the additional food and increased bills. But in reality, I don't think it will cost me extra. Because I am able to cook every night instead of getting takeouts and I can bring the leftovers into work for lunch. Before this it was often just too much hassle to cook. Collect my daughter from childcare and then go home and check homework, do the dishes, laundry, and tidying up. The last thing I wanted to do at that stage was cook. Now I come home and it's all done, so it's no problem to do a bit of cooking - which I actually enjoy.

The au pair joins us for dinner (which I had asked her do) and we all share our day which I hope will help her with her English and which is also good for us. It's a much more structured and regular regimen for my daughter which she craves. It's absolutely fantastic! The au pair seems very happy too. I have gone out of my way to help her. I got her a Leap card and switched her phone to 48 which was much better value for her. I drove her into town and showed her the bus stop to get and did lots of research on her behalf. I give her a lift into town in the morning to her English classes on my way to work. I've made sure that she has everything in the fridge and presses that she wants. I know a good thing when I see it!

I had a laptop in the main room that I used to leave on, but closed, with a remote mic that I used to check if the new puppy was barking while I was at work and I left that on for the first couple of days and remoted into it to listen into what was going on. After a couple of quick listens on the first couple of days I switched it off permanently as soon as I realised that she was exactly the same with my daughter when I wasn't there. I'm already dreading having to replace her next year. I think I got really lucky with her.

Neyite

It sounds like you were very lucky - and so is she. Its a fair exchange for all parties involved, The Au-pair system is a good system - when it is done properly.

Its great that its worked out for you all.