Girlfriend is a rape victim. What can/should I do?

LegacyUser

I am posting this anonymously, even though I'm a fairly active Boards member.
A lot of people from here know me personally, so I'd like to keep my identity a secret.

I've been dating my girlfriend for over a year now. I knew when we started dating that she was a virgin, and she said, she wanted to take time and I respected her choice.

About 6 months ago, I found out that her ex-boyfriend would verbally and phisically abuse her - that is beat her up. I have then already suspected she might have been raped by him, but I didn't want to ask - it's a really personal issue after all.

She was in a semi-depression state when we started dating, but she has recovered since (or so I'd like to think).

However last night, when we both were turned on a lot (note: we have played with each other before, but never got to the penetration part) we were really getting it on, and upon impulse, we both wanted to get it on. Fully. Nothing was forced of course.

She then asked me to stop, and has confessed that she has been raped by her abusive ex. My worst nightmare came true.

I'm angry. Not at her, but at him and myself, even though I wasn't there back then. I'd love to break his legs, but I know the consequences this might bring.

When I spoke to her about reporting it, she refused because
1. He is currently abroad, no idea which country.
2. It happened over a year ago.
3. She says "she got over it" - but I don't believe it at all.

What are the next steps that I should take? I want to be as delicate with this as possible.

Thank you for your help in advance.

P. Breathnach

Control your anger: it is no help to her.

Do not try to get her to talk to you about it beyond what she is comfortable saying (or you comfortable hearing, insofar as you can be in any way "comfortable" hearing such things - you know what I mean).

Encourage her to contact the Rape Crisis Centre to seek help in getting over the effects of what happened.

Above all else, be gentle and supportive.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I am so sorry for your girlfriend.

IMO, I think the best course of action for you would to get in touch with the Rape Crisis Centre. They are phenomenal people dealing with every type of scenario you can imagine.

They may be able to discuss with you the best way you can support your girlfriend. If this isn't handled as well as can be expected, it might cause her further damage, so my 2 cents is to get advice from experts first.

Every outcome is a possibility, she may want counselling, she may not. She may change her mind about reporting it, she may not. This could define her life, or be something she does manage to work through and I think anybody here would just be guessing at what that outcome could be.

So, talk to the people who are professionally trained to deal with these situations. Ask what you can do as a boyfriend right now for her, because I imagine that you are at a loss. You cannot try to force anything at all right now, just try and find the best way to support her.

Getting angry will not help, it will only cause her more pain.

iusedtoknow

#3 is a lie, she knows and you know it. She clearly is not "over it". You need to take your lead from there. For one thing, you sound like you're being a great boyfriend in wanting to deal with this the right way. The unfortunate thing is...there is no "right way"....and that's the hard part.

For one thing, don't pressure her to talk to you about it - she could misunderstand that as "bullying", based on her past experiences. Let her come to you about it and deal with it as it comes up. It looks like she is comfortable enough to talk to you about it, so she will.

When she talk about it again, encourage her to talk to the rape crisis centre. Unfortunately, I know first hand how great they are (my sister was raped). They will simply listen to her, and provide details of the right people she can talk to about it in a deeper way, when she is ready. I know someone who volunteers, and she said that sometimes there is just silence on the phone for 30 minutes, and they wait....that 30 minutes until the person is ready to talk. They will not force her to go to the guards or anything like that - they are trained volunteers that will be able to point her in the right direction.

Rubberchikken

you sound like such a good person, but you won't be able to give your gf the professional help she needs.
would you be able to convince her to go for counselling. to contact the rape crisis centre. to even talk to her gp.

the poor girl sounds like she has gone through so much at the hand of a terrible person.
she will learn to be strong again with help from you and from professionals.

good luck

LegacyUser

Ok well firstly separate your feelings from hers.

Part of the reason people don't tell others is they are afraid of the emotional fall out of others. She doesn't want you to be upset by this. It shouldn't alter the way you look at her. She is not defined by this.

If you yourself feel upset then you talk to someone about it.

Sex and rape are very very different. I can't speak for your girlfriend. But talking about it with your partner is not necessarily a good idea. She needs to talk with someone who is just there for her.

Personally I don't feel the need for full disclosure in these kind of situations. But your girlfriend has opened up.

The biggest weapons on your side in this are trust and respect. She trusts you and you trust her and you both respect each other.

It's difficult to say for all people what their reaction to sexuality will be. Some survivors become hyper sexual, others avoid sex altogether.

Forced penetration /Rape (or any type of rape) isn't forcing someone to have sex. It isn't sexual at all. Men and women who rape don't do it to be aroused it is to do with power and control and hatred.

Forced Sex is the method used as a type of violence to take control or express anger. People don't rape to get sex they rape to feel powerful or to be vindictive. While most rapes don’t involve a gun (in fact, few rapes involvea weapon at all), it is common that bodily injury can happen. This is a real danger: although an injury may have occurred, it is often in such a private place or done is such an unthinkable way to her body that many victims decide to never report the crime at all, keeping it a secret—but also preventing themselves from getting medical attention.

.


No matter what you talk about with a victim you want to help, it is never appropriate to hint or suggest, or even ask, that she may have liked it, brought it on, or provoked it. It’s one of the most painful myths victims face, and once she even suspects you might believe it, her trust could be deeply injured. A second related fact that men often struggle with is that the woman is absolutely not responsible for her victimization. Not even slightly. No, not even 2% responsible. This is where we often have the urge to ask,“Yeah, but...?”“yeah, but what if she...?”“Yeah, but how about when...?”Nope, nope, and nope.


Some people even think the victim gives subtle hints of consent if she didn’t resist as violently as he feels she should have. This assumption unfairly suggests that she shares some blame for the assault, and that if she were able to change enough things about her appearance, location, or behavior, she would be safe.


It sounds like this:“If you had been tougher/stronger/smarter, maybe he would have gottenthe message and stopped...!” This kind of attitude demolishes whatever strength and confidence she has left, and could even sever her trust bond” with you. Here’s why that’s all wrong: Women who have survived rape have reported in studies that fighting back commonly make the attacks against her become more violent in 20-35% of the cases.

Have you ever heard of the Fight / Flight instinct? Many men wonder why the victims response isn't this either to fight or at least to run away. The risk is your attacker is bigger stronger and faster than you.

There is a third response which is the most common human response. Freeze. Just freeze and scream your head off.


You should tell her firstly. It was in NO WAY HER FAULT. REPEAT REPEAT REPEAT. That is possibly the only thing you need to say.

“No, it wasn’t your fault. This didn’t happen because of anything you did wrong, or how you dressed, or where you were. It happened because a very sick and angry person made a terrible decision to do this to someone. I am very sorry that it happened to you. You don’t deserve it, and it’s not your fault.”

It is not about men. It is not about women. It is not about sex. It is about a very ill disturbed individual who made a terrible decision to do this to another being.

Remember every decision is HERS. This is her time to reclaim control over her life and body.

The single most common reaction among men is intense anger toward the rapist, even wishing you could hurt him in revenge. This is
normal and understandable; I would feel the same way. Yet this is a time when calmness is needed, and violent revenge would be the
wrong way to help her.

No matter how curious you are, avoid asking about details of the attack. If she wants to discuss them, listen but avoid pressing for more
information. In fact, therapists often advise women not to share details with a husband or family member, only with the therapist. Don’t be one of those guys who pressures her to tell you the details, because that information will only hurt each of you. Your focus should be on what happens to her now and tomorrow, not details in her past.

I think the main Q you are asking OP is “How can I effectively communicate with the woman I love when she has been victimized?” You have made a great step in not seeking sex for your own selfishness. You seem very generous.

Don't assume because this happened that she has no interest in sex. Some woman worry that youconsider her “polluted” or “tarnished” by the rape, as if she has lost her specialness to you.

Non sexual physical affection can be a crucial stepping stone. Let her touch you. Let her rub your back rub her feet for her in return etc. Be patient. Rape can cause physical pain, erratic menstrual periods, and discomfort. When the time for sex comes, be tender and slow. And erratic menstrual cycle or psychosomatic amenorrhea (lack of periods) after rape is very very common.


You mention you had sexual relations but not penetration. I thought I would mention this I don't know whether or not it applies to your situation. Vaginismus: Spasmodic, guarding contraction of vagina upon attempt of intercourse. Often occurs subsequent to rape or trauma. Actually it nearly always happens during a rape or trauma. A woman suffering from vaginismus does not consciously control the spasm. The vaginismic reflex can be compared to the response of the eye shutting when an object comes towards it. The severity of vaginismus, as well as the pain during penetration (including sexual penetration), varies from woman to woman.For some women, it may be caused by a traumatic past experience, such as a difficult childbirth or sexual abuse. They may associate sexual activity with pain and learn to avoid intercourse as a way of avoiding further pain. Even women who have not been assualted or raped can suffer from it. But it's perfectly treatable. Sometimes it just takes time. Sometimes actual dilation of the tissue is needed which can be done at home. Hypertonic pelvic muscles can be the issue. Which makes sense your tummy is the centre of your emotions. If the cause is psychological, it may be treated using sex therapy, where you are helped to gradually overcome it using vaginal trainers and relaxation techniques.If she can insert a finger herself or you can without much pain she will be fine usually with time and not much else. The HSE site has some stuff on it. I only say this because if she is worried about penetration it might be that she is worried about nothing more than pain.

This is why a psychiatrist is often better than a counselor and one with preferably a connection to Gynecology or very familiar with women.

I'm sorry if I have thrown the kitchen sink at you here. I just wanted to give you some info. I had a feeling the penetration issue was worrying you. Don't worry 99.9 % of women/men go on to have fulfilling sex lives. She will too.

There is no one reaction to what she has been through. Some women have sex straight away. Some resume later without much difficulty some take much longer.


Don't forget to take care of yourself. This should not upset you. And don't over think things. Don't stress, don't worry.

Remember it was NOT her fault. This does not define her. She is still her. And your relationship is much bigger and stronger than this.

When you ask why she didn't report it or whatever it can sound like you are placing blame on her. She didn't do all she could. She didn't do it right etc. She did what she had to.

I actually think it's not always a good idea to tell a BF this. It's unnecessarily distressing. It is no use for you both to talk about details that will only hurt her and you. Curiosity is not appropriate here. Don't feel bad for being curious a lot of men are for some reason.

Allow HER to take control of this. That is what needs to happen.

You and her will have a wonderful fullfilling sex life don't worry!

Don't try to convince her to do anything. She will when she's ready.

Have your relationship. Have fun , go out. Take your minds of it. Have sex! If you both want to :-) She may surprise you!

Don't over think. And ask her what she is comfortable with. Etc. Remember love, trust and respect and fun!

LegacyUser

I don't blame her for anything, I don't feel about her any differently other than that I want to be more protective of her.

I will take the time and suggest the rape centre others have posted here, thank you very much for that.

I'm a but torn enotionally, not because she was raped and now I think of her differently, but because she was hurt and I couldn't have done anything.

I will take time with her. I know a rape victim will never be a 100% okay, but I sure do hope to bring her up as close to that as possible. I'm a very patient man and in fairness, while for some odd reason I do want to know what has happened exactly, thinking about it just makes me sick. Literally. When she told me that yesterday I was close to vomiting as I've in some way felt awful about it and started to feel awful about all those dirty jokes and the times I might have been more into it than she was.

Once again, I'd like to thank all of you for help. I feel better now somehow. Possibly I just needed to talk to someone else.

LegacyUser

'I will take time with her. I know a rape victim will never be a 100% okay, but I sure do hope to bring her up as close to that as possible.'

She will absolutely be 100% ok again. Actually better and stronger! :-)

It just takes time! :-)

This has been a shock for you. So take time for you too.

She really will be 100% you know! :-)

LegacyUser

Also you should not feel responsible for an act you have not committed.

You have nothing to feel bad about.

The tendency is with this type of thing it makes everyone else except the person responsible for doing it feel guilty.

And if YOU yourself need to talk to the rape crisis center they will help you.

Your girlfriend loves you and you obviously love her.

Take care op :-)

LegacyUser

Hey Op,

I'm like yourself, a fairly active Boardsie, but going anon for this advice.

My girlfriend was sexually abused by a family friend as a child, so while it's not the same- and every instance of sexual violence is different, just as every person is different- all I can do is give you some advice from my experience.

Firstly, try thinking of this a little different. Your girlfriend isn't a rape "visctim", she's a rape "survivor". It's a small difference in thinking but it actually means a lot. Think about what she has gone through to get to this point, 1 year later.

Secondly, take it as a massive testament to her trust in you that she's told you this. It's a huge huge deal. So it means you're a really trustworthy, good boyfriend. That's important to remember.

Thirdly, you are not responsible for your girlfriends recovery. She is the only one who can work through everything. You can support her, you can be there for her, but you can't do it for her, no matter how much you want to. And if she doesn't want to, you can't force her. This all has to come from you.

Lastly, don't sacrifice yourself to this. I know this is hard to hear, but you have to look after yourself. I didn't, I took everything on, and took everything personally and it nearly broke me. When she said no to sex, I took it personally, even though I know deep down it's nothing to do with me. Every time she went in on herself, I took it personally. And to be honest, I excused some behaviour because of her experience, which I shouldn't have done. Nobody wants to talk about this, but sometimes it can be used an excuse to treat another person like ****, even if it's not on purpose or even done consciously. My girlfriend has really pushed me at times because she thought I'd leave, but I didn't. Maybe I should have, but I didn't.

And just to be crude (and again no-one wants to talk about this), get used to masturbation, if you're in a monogamous relationship with a survivor. I have sex about twice a year if I'm lucky. Nobody wants to be the asshole who has sex with a survivor when they don't really want it, but you have needs and sexual urges, and don't let anyone tell you you should suppress that. Trust me, I've looked into it and it's not possible.

PucaMama

i can only say this from my point of view i dont know your gf.

dont talk about how much you want to hurt him to get him back.
it doesnt help her.

also dont get into saying rape isnt about sex etc personally i really disagree with that.

i know someone whos bf at the time raped her because she wouldnt do a certain thing in bed. it doesnt sound like power to me. sounds like he wanted to do it so he done it.

Mr. Loverman

There isn't really anything you can do except be a good boyfriend.

She probably doesn't want you bringing it up all the time or try to force her to do anything. (I'm not saying you're doing that, of course).

It's not a problem you can fix. Do not go ahead and report it to the police after she has said (in a roundabout way) she doesn't want you to do that.

Just try to continue your relationship as normal. Good luck.