Am i wrong ?

LegacyUser

This issue is about a friend of mine who I'll call Gordon. We only know each other 2 and a half years but when we met we just clicked, we just had that instant chemistry. Been close to best friends for that period, well not best friends because I don't believe in "best" friends, because every other friend isn't your best friend then. Still though I had a friendship with him like I didn't have with any of my other friends, and he's sort of a stray into what was my group of friends from secondary school but was instantly one of the group. We both went to college last September 2013 in different places, and I didn't adapt to college life too well and ended up living on my own because of accommodation issues and this led to severe homesickness for me and then bouts of anxiety/depression. I didn't tell anyone about the problems I had at the time, I didn't want to making a fuss or bothering anyone. I did contemplate telling Gordon though, but he seemed to be getting on great in college and I didn't want him thinking less of me by revealing these issues at the time. I ended up failing the college year but that doesn't really relate to the issue I want advice about

I had to drop out of college at the last minute in September of this year, unable to afford the fees. I told Gordon through Facebook chat that I had something I really needed to tell him, he then said fire away. I though against replying without knowing for absolute sure it was him, he's always letting people use his laptop and his phone and some of the stuff I was only going to say to him. I said when you're online answer this question which only he'd be able to give me a certain response which would let me know it was him. He seen this message damn near straight away but no response. No response. And it's been 4 weeks since last Friday. Since we're leading mostly different lives now in different places it's not uncommon for us not to talk for a few weeks, but I really wanted to tell him all my problems because he's really the only person I want to know. Most of my other friends think I dropped out either because I found college too hard or was lazy. Don't really care what they think, just Gordon. I really annoyed he hasn't got back to me, or didn't ring me when i sent that message or whatever. No contact from him whatsoever. And on two seperate occassions i drove the 12km to his place at 2 in the morning saying he needed to see me, me thinking someone was dead but it was just girl problems for him. I didn't think much of doing that, but he hasn't got back to me at all when I said i needed to talk to him.

I'm genuinely upset that he hasn't bothered to hear me out. I have a 1200 word thing wrote up on word about what im gonna say. Should I get onto him again or wait it out longer to see when he finally gets in contact with me again

skallywag

Did you tell him that the reason you were asking this question was to ID him with 100% certainty? Could the nature of this question possibly have spooked him?

ManOfMystery

Have you considered that the entire reason you asked the ID question may be the same reason you haven't heard from Gordon - it wasn't him on Facebook that time? He may be totally unaware of this situation.

Rubberchikken

can you not phone or send him a txt?
sending cryptic messages on FB seems guaranteed to fail.

MileyReilly

Gordon might be terrified!!

miamee

If you can drive to his house at 2 in the morning, why can't you call over for a coffee and have a chat with him? As someone has pointed out, it may not have been him online that day and even if it was, did you really give a clue that you were about to pour your heart out to him?
If you'd rather do this online rather than face to face, why not send him an email?

LegacyUser

I was talking to him before i told him I said i needed to tell him something, then he went offline, replied a while later and thats why I didn't tell him what i wanted to say

We always talk on facebook, so it's not an uncommon way for us to communicate.

I can't drive to his because he's at college now over 100km from me, have no car now anyway had to sell it for college fees but still didn't raise enough

It shouldn't have "spooked" him, because other times when he told me stuff he'd ask me a question only i could a certain answer for

Big Bag of Chips

Even so, would you not text him.. Crossed wires and he might be waiting for you to just tell him. He might have read the message when on the go and meant to reply later and forgot. That happens regularly!

If you want to talk to him, contact him. If he ignores you at that point then you can be annoyed and realise that he's not as good a friend to you as you have been to him.

Matteroffact

He might be afraid you are going to confess that you have fallen in love with him and because he doesn't feel the same he is afraid to contact you. Just contact him again and tell him you have a problem you would like to discuss with him and you might get a quicker response.

R.D. aka MR.D

Matteroffact wrote: »

He might be afraid you are going to confess that you have fallen in love with him and because he doesn't feel the same he is afraid to contact you. Just contact him again and tell him you have a problem you would like to discuss with him and you might get a quicker response.

This was my first thought. This all seems really intense for a platonic friendship. You mention words like chemistry etc.

Maybe he is worried about what it is you are going to tell him.

LegacyUser

Sorry lads I'm afraid I'm not in love with him. I used words like chemistry because we really do just click and play off each other so well. If I'm out at home I'm asked where's Gordon, and vice versa.

I reached out to him, and got nothing. Even if he did forget to reply or whatever, it's been 4 weeks since we spoke and in that time it hasn't crossed his mind to see how I'm doing in general.

Matteroffact

You know that you are not in love with him, but how sure can you be that he knows this ?

Oryx

While this may not be a love thing, its certainly very intense on your part. You've written 1200 words of what you want to say. Thats beyond a normal lads friendship, and maybe Gordon has picked up on your intensity and backed away. Or maybe he is oblivious, doesn't see your friendship as such a big thing, and is just living his life.

Either way his actions are telling you that for whatever reason, you are not high in his thoughts. The only way you will know why is to pick up the phone and talk to him. But maybe dial back the intensity and keep things light for now.

mapaca

I think you need to just call him and arrange to have a chat and tell him all you need to say.
- He may have sensed you wanted to say something important, but he doesn't want to push you or pry.

or

- He might be totally oblivious, not sensed anything at all, and think that this break in contact is nothing unusual.

Either way, you are tying yourself up in knots wondering what's going on, when a simple chat might be all tthat's needed to clear the air.

miamee

Wrong ? wrote: »

Sorry lads I'm afraid I'm not in love with him. I used words like chemistry because we really do just click and play off each other so well. If I'm out at home I'm asked where's Gordon, and vice versa.

I reached out to him, and got nothing. Even if he did forget to reply or whatever, it's been 4 weeks since we spoke and in that time it hasn't crossed his mind to see how I'm doing in general.

He could be saying the exact same about you, you haven't contacted him either. Just pick up the phone and talk to him, he could have personal stuff going on too.

Big Bag of Chips

So what would you like people here to say to you? This is an advice forum, and as such posters tend to offer advice to people who post. If you just wanted people to agree with you that you are right and Gordon has treated you badly then I think you are in the wrong place.

You can choose to throw away what you think is a great friendship with little effort at figuring out what, if anything, actually happened. Or you can contact him again and have a chat.

Just be aware though, that he is in college. He is busy with college work, nights out, classmates etc.. You've dropped out of college, but his life hasn't come to a stand still.

I could go weeks without any contact with some friends. Neither of us have a hissy fit over it! We just accept that people have their own stuff going on and we'll catch up when we catch up!

Est28

OP, I think you need to chill out.

I can't really tell for sure but you're both guys, right? This isn't really a "normal" lads friendship on your part the way you're carrying on. I live away from home and I might chat to the lads online a lot in one week or it might go ages. No bother... if we do chat, it's catching up.

If something's wrong then I supposed you'd have a pint and have a natter about whatevers on your mind but it's not really a "lads" thing to be all gushy and stuff.

I don't see the big deal. You didn't keep going with college for whatever reasons, it doesn't matter to anyone. Get on with your own stuff, nobody is as involved or cares about you and your stuff as you seem to think.

What is the essay about? Like if I wanted someone to talk to I might bring it up to the lads but writing anyone a huge essay is a little intense to say the least.

One of 2 things here:
- He has no idea there's even anything up and you just have to ask him to chat.
- Or else, this is the usual dynamic when you "ask to talk" and they guy is frightened of his life what you'll come up with this time.

It's all very intense, not surprised he'd back off.

Dellnum

The problem here OP is that because you quit college you have a lot of time to think. It is very unfortunate that you are now in a position not to be able to continue with your studies. I feel very sorry for you over this. Is there any way you can contact the college and speak to a counsellor there with a view to finding out what else you might be eligible to do in the study line. That should be your first worry. The thing is that you now need career guidance as to what to do next. Whether Gordon gets back to you or not should not be your main worry. People move on and make new friends all of the time, so if you contacted Gordon and he hasn't responded then it is time for you to move on too. Don't waste any more time worrying about this. You have bigger and better things ahead of you, so start making things happen for yourself, and don't fall apart just because someone does not act like you think they should.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

tinkerbell

You've written a 1200 word essay to say to him? What in the world? OP, you're an adult. Just pick up the bloody phone and call him.