Can't make friends

LegacyUser

I recently moved away from home. I've moved away before but this time it was permanent, as in I won't live in Ireland again for 5 - 10 years, if ever.
I gave up a lot to move here, it was really the only option I had career wise. I really regret it now, I'm just not fitting in.
I have friends from work who seem to really like me but they don't ever seem to want to meet up outside of work. They all have lived here for at least a few years and seem to find our job a lot more difficult than I do, so they're always catching up on work or busy with there other friends.
I live with 5 others. There all nice enough but 1 is never around, 1 just doesn't like me (it's fine, it's just a clash of personalities/believes, we're perfectly civil to one and other) and the other 3 are a hugely cliche-y and will literally talk over me to make some stupid in joke.
I've tried joining clubs and volunteering but I've been turned away from all of the ones I can go too because they filled up by the end of September. I even went to a religious group I'm interested in but I was the youngest person by at least 35 years. I just can't seem to make friends! I'm starting to worry there's something wrong with me! And I'm going a little stir crazy. I come home every evening and watch tv, and that's it. That's all I've done for over a month. I've gone for drinks with my co-workers once and had one date, that's it!
What else can I do? I'm really starting to wish I'd never come. I'm not happy here at all. It's even just difficult to get to know the city because I've no one to go anywhere with.

RubyRoss

That's terrible but not uncommon. I don't where you are living but in many countries, it takes time before people feel comfortable enough to invite you out. It will happen though. In the meantime, is there a Meetup .com operating in the city? That's a great way to meet other people who are new to a city and it's usually activity based so you would get to see the city too. Hope it gets better for you.

Rubberchikken

you say you'll probably be there 5 to 10 years maybe more. would you be able to stop focusing on so far ahead.
take it a day at a time.
find the positives. you've gone for drinks with co-workers. you've had a date. you can repeat these things you know.

also while the people you're sharing with are ok, you don't have to stay there forever.
take some time settling in. accept any invites and relax and give things time to settle.

good luck

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

--LOS--

I don't know what city you're in but maybe you could look up expat groups/meetups in your area. Those are usually the people that are most keen to make new friends like yourself. Look up groups on Fb, meetups on meetup.com for your area. It might take a while longer to break in with the locals, like your colleagues. Its hard to make friends and it takes a lot of work and it also takes time. But the more time you spend with people and the more people you meet the better chance you have of meeting people that you actually want as friends. Some people stick with the same small convenient circle of friends all through school and beyond and that's grand if they're happy with that. But many things change through life, you change jobs, you travel, people move on.......think about it like this, you will always have to meet new people and make friends, so it would benefit you to get used to it. Trust me I know its hard, of course its easier to stay in your comfort zone but where does leave you.

Est28

As someone who moved out of the country alone I can only give first hand advice.

Stop wallowing.

I came to the realization, nobody is just going to show up on your door and want to be your friend. Meetup and stuff is fine but the sorts that show up are usually awkward and a bit odd I found. Like, if they are locals, they are going because they have no friends and are a bit weird but it's worth a shot since you meet other non-natives too.

Anyway, the point is YOU have to make all the effort. You don't make friends sitting around not talking to anyone. You have to go out, to bars, join sports, go to events you have no interest in even. Don't give excuses as to why you don't like this or that. You have to do it. Because it's about socializing, not the actual event.

Secondly, when you DO go. Approach and say Hi to everyone you can. DO NOT wait for anyone to come to you. Go right to them and say Hi. If they are not approachable, walk away and strike up conversation with the next person.
But the main point is, YOU have to go do it, not them. Other people don't know/realize you want friends.

After this, the only thing that breeds friendships is familiarity, so if you meet someone somewhere, go again next time and meet them again. Once is not enough. If you might not see them again, ask to swap numbers or facebook and say you're new in town and always up for a drink or whatever.

These threads always devolve into people sitting behind their keyboard who never go out or move away telling others to "join a club" which is such a cop-out it's ridiculous.

Now, admittedly, you'll end up putting a LOT of effort forward in the beginning, maybe moreso than others give back to you until you make friends but that's how it is away from home or not knowing anyone.

Next, if you meet 2 friends, introduce them next time, and then be the one to initiate meeting up or doing things, stop being a hanger on or expecting others to invite you. The more people you introduce, the more these can become your new "circle" of friends and maybe they have more friends who'll join in.

It's hard work. But you can really just do it, or you can sit at home and turn on Netflix and never meet anyone.

CollyFlower

Lol at your comments about "meet up" groups, Est.... I was going to join one of the local meet up in my area, judging by your comments about them I should fit right in... ;-)


The advice I'd give the OP is to join a club, check out your local library and see if they have anything that might interest you.