Supposed friend gave me an ultimatum - Childish?

LegacyUser

So I was out with a group of girls who used to be my close circle of friends. We're 20 somethings who have grown apart in that we are on different paths in life. One has been travelling for years, others working full time while I'm doing my Masters.

We haven't been out together in a long time. There was unresolved tension between friend A and friend B due to B emigrating and A never sending one text message in a year. It's not my issue, but it was brought up on our night out and caused tension.

So cut to the end of the night. Friend A (who also happens to be a first cousin of mine) began discussing the earlier tension of the night. She explained that she knows I'm trying to be fair by not taking sides but she felt as I am her blood and family that I should support her. This has been an ongoing and deeply dramatic situation and I chose to maintain friendships with both, which in essence put me between the two.

She continued on how friend B had a cheek to assume she could approach her regarding their troubles, and asked my opinion and challenged why I won't side. I explained calmly that I have made the choice to not become involved. The conversation went round in circles, with friend A using her famous line, "you're the only one who knows me the best, you need to support me". I attempted to conclude the convo by saying they need to reflect on what has happened and work out something between them. I also said that friend A seems to have trouble with accepting people's opinions, or people's truths. She flipped as I said this and started shouting how shocked she was that I'd say something like that. We've both had issues recently, mostly trying to hold on to a friendship and salvage what was left. I'm studying so my time is spent between my job and my studies/thesis, boyfriend, family, and friends. Friend A works random hours and is involved in the drug scene which is something I don't have much time for myself.

The difference about this time, was how aggressive friend A became with me. I attempted to leave the pub at 3am saying I would call her tomorrow to discuss it when we had sobered, but not accepting this, she began to physically pull me back so that I'd stay to listen. She was shouting while doing this commanding me to listen, and eventually blocked me into a corner so I could not moved. I pleaded with her to leave me go, however she began finger pointing and asking "how dare I?. She continued with the grabbing and pulling my arm the whole way outside, until I began to feel threatened by her behaviour. I had never seen someone who was supposed to be a friend, this angry and aggressive. I said to her that I felt threatened and this further riled her up. I managed to get into a taxi where she pulled open the door to stop me leaving, shouting that I have to listen and that she was doing this for my benefit. After her holding my taxi up for several minutes, I asked the driver to ask her to leave the car so that I could go. I was visibly shaken by the whole thing, and am still.

The next morning I received an array of messages, saying that it was unacceptable for me to behave in the manner that I did. We basically had some texts, before she said that she was shocked I had not even thought of apologising for leaving and for "trusting a taxi man" over her. She said that until I realise the extent of how I acted and apologise then she doesn't want to know, and will cut all ties.

As a grown adult, this whole situation feels so dramatic and immature. But I don't know what to do. My mother says that it's not acceptable to allow someone to treat me this way, but my relationship with friend A has spanned our life and I've always been there for her. She has had a hard life but I know it's not my job to fix everything for her.

This whole thing has f**ked my head up. Please if anyone has thoughts, opinions or advice I would be so grateful. Thanks in advance.

Tokyo

I notice that you said "my relationship with friend A has spanned our life and I've always been there for her" - there's no mention of her being there for you. Which speaks volumes IMO.

I appreciate the length of the relationship involved and the fact that blood ties are muddying the waters somewhat, but I agree with your mother's assessment of the situation - I wouldn't place a huge amount of value on a relationship with someone who refuses to apologise, attempts to dictate my relationships with other people, and employs threatening behaviour to do so when they don't get their way.

Whatever the issues are between friends A and B, that's for them to sort out amongst themselves. Your friend needs to grow up and learn how to maturely deal with her decisions and her actions, because I can pretty much guarantee you that if you give into her over this, it wont be the last time she places you in this situation.

Penny Tration

So she screamed at you, assaulted you, finger pointed at you, backed you physically into a corner, was verbally and physically aggressive, tried to prevent you from leaving, and is insisting she's in the right?


You've had a lucky escape with her deciding to cut contact.

She may be a life long friend, but she's not a ffriend any longer.

She sounds like an absolute scumbag, and with a nasty temper too.

I'd advise you avoid her totally and delete her number.

I doubt she'll cut all ties. Scumbags like that come crawling back when they need something.

feargale

Drugs do funny things to people.

LegacyUser

She sounds like a very self centred individual, if you were all good friends the fact that she couldn't be bothered to keep in contact with friend B for a whole year speaks volumes. I mean it doesn't take much to send somebody a txt or pm somebody privately on FB. That's between them to sort out but if your cousin keeps acting that way she soon won't have any friends at all.
Was she taking drugs or did she have too much drink? Although that is no excuse for her behaviour it sounds like a very frightening situation to be in and regardless of how long you have known her, maybe it's time to break off contact with her. The fact she doesn't even acknowledge she did anything wrong and is now blaming you just shows how what a nasty piece of work she is. Whether she's had a hard life or not, that is not your problem to sort out.
Focus on your happiness and future.

Neyite

feargale wrote: »

Drugs do funny things to people.

Mod:

That's not really constructive advice for the OP.

Keisha07

OP I get the feeling that this unpleasantness had upset you greatly, I very much doubt your friend/cousin has been up all night worried about you and the demands for an apology speaks volumes of her sense of entitlement. Some people just don't care about other people and everything is about her, your mam is right heed her advice and put yourself first

Stavro Mueller

It makes things a bit trickier because A is also your cousin but I've got to agree with everyone else. You are better off distancing yourself from her. Sometimes people cling onto friendships longer than they should just because they've been friends since they were kids. It says a lot when instead of apologising and trying to make things right, she's blaming you. I think regardless of what happens next, this friendship is broken beyond repair anyway.

Merkin

Your mother gave you sage advice. Longevity or sentimentality is no reason to hang on to a toxic friendship, this girl has behaved in a disgusting fashion so you should welcome her severing ties tbh.

cloudatlas

Honestly if you feel uncomfortable in someones prescence or threatened by them then the answer is an easy one. No friend or family should make you feel under threat.

Matteroffact

What a terrible way to behave. I have a feeling that she must be suffering the ill effects of drugs to act like this. I would not contact her again if I were you. She is the one who needs to apologise now. Who needs friends like this. You were quite in order not to want to take sides, it wasn't your issue. It also seems like she is building this up out of all proportion.

Mr. Incognito

Cut all ties. This is a self centered dangerous self entitled scumbag.

Delete her number.

Taltos

Mod Note:
MileyReilly - read our charter and post in line with that, otherwise as this is a strictly moderated forum we will not just delete your posts but will be forced to action accordingly.

MileyReilly

Just my opinion

Big Bag of Chips

MileyReilly, warned for ignoring Mod Instruction.

Scarinae

I agree with everyone else, she doesn't sound like a friend at all. She's threatened to cut all ties - that sounds like a perfect way out of to me, let her cut them.

MileyReilly

I think you'd be much better off without people on drugs. It does all sorts of things to people.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, OP here.

Thanks for the replies. There was a lot of constructive advice given and I appreciate that.

Even writing the situation out here, and reflecting back, I'm not surprised by the content of advice and opinions. It's one of those things where you almost know what has to happen, but I guess unresolved conflict can lead to negativity in life. I felt if I could resolve this to a point of civility that it would be better and that if we met in the future it could be that way. But even how do you address the issues raised with someone who does not want to open their ears. When someone is narrow-minded it's hard to connect your ideas with them. I have no intention of apologising so I guess this her way out.
I have been blind sighted for a long time and Mike was right by saying family connections muddy the waters a bit.

Thanks again everyone.

Stavro Mueller

Going by what you've told us, even trying to reason with her would be a waste of oxygen. I assume she has also lost the friendship of Friend B. It could be that she resents the pair of you and has done for a while. I think staying away from her is all you can do. I hope it won't get too awkward for you seeing as she's a relative...