Feeling under pressure

Myownfault

I don't know where to start. I'm a 29 year old girl and I feel like a 16 year old. I've had a boyfriend for the last 9 years but I'm really confused where I want to go in life. I obviously love my boyfriend and am very attached to him. We spend a lot of time together and he knows me better than anyone else. He is my best friend and to be honest one of my only friends. I sometimes wish I could have some time apart to grow up or date other guys, yet I can't even consider losing him. He's such a big part of my life. I simply feel like I missed out on all my fun years when I should have been out enjoying myself. He spends most weekends with his friends and I spend mine Mainly alone. He loves to drink all weekend whereas I like to chill out and watch movies and go out the odd time with my only female friend.
Now the problem is, I am happy to just live in the moment right now but my mother is constantly warning me of my age. I'm approaching 30 and she feels I'm wasting my time and i should be actively planning for my future if I want kids. I know she's right and I have a biological clock and all that but it's really scared me. I want kids with every ounce of my being but I am nowhere near mature enough to have them nor do I feel ready. In my mind, I'm 16 and have loads of time but sadly I'm not 16 and time is ticking as my mother points out. I feel so lost and unsure if everything will fall into place for me or not.
My head is just so muddled up and I dont know what to do. I also feel that if I took some time apart from the boyfriend, I wouldn't have a chance to meet anyone else due to my lack of friends so I'm stuck in a serious rut!! Everytime I get invited to a wedding, i feel panicky and more and more lost.
Why is it so easy for people to just marry and have kids? To me, it's such a hard step to take. I don't feel I can make that commitment so easily. I don't know if my boyfriend is the ONE for me or not.

When I see 2 people get engaged, I admire their complete confidence in their decision. I can't make any decisions to save my life! My parents broke up when I was a teenager but don't know if thats relevant to how I am. I also suffer alot from what could be depression. I have never been diagnosed but I don't enjoy things the way others do, I think all the time and my thoughts are recurring and I feel like I'm stuck in a web of constant thoughts. I don't know what I'm hoping to hear from you guys, I'm just feeling Like my life is a waste of a life and I dont deserve it.
I also feel a deep fear which is probably holding me back and I fear moving forward and taking adult decisions. I'm just terrified. I'm also extremely ashamed of myself and a big disappointment to my parents who I love dearly. I want to make good decisions and have a happy life but I don't know how. I know there is something mentally wrong with me but I just don't know what. I feel ashamed to open up to anyone because it's all my fault and if I was listening to me, I would say "grow up. Do something with your life."i do realise im a disaster of a person from other peoples eyes. I am embarrassed of how ive turned out. I find myself pretty but lack social skills and find it extremely hard to make conversation with people. I get very anxious in big family gatherings etc. Its so hard for me. Also, The life decisions which appear easy to so many people make me so stressed and everything is too much for me. Am I a lost cause...

Flippyfloppy

Youre not a lost cause at all.

You use very critical language about yourself. 'Something mentally wrong with me' honestly it doesn't really sound like there is anything wrong with you- you sound like you're just plodding along. Something a lot of people are happy to do. However you don't seem happy!! My gut instinct is that you need a change. The only one that can make that happen is you.

You don't sound overly pushed about your boyfriend either. He seems happy enough doing his thing, however great it is that you allow each other space, do ye spend any quality time together? How does he feel about marriage, kids? Is he on the same page as you?

You're probably right, you do need to 'try out' more guys. Find one that fits you better, that fills you with passion, longing & excitement. You got with your boyfriend when you were 20. It seems to me that a lot of relationships that begin at that stage of life can end up stuck in a rut. A ten year rut! Some couples are still blissfully happy by the time they're nearky 30, get the finger out and get married etc, however others just realise that they are only in the relationship because it's all they know. And they're afraid to move on, some feel they've invested so much time it would be a Shame to give it up. Some think of their biological clock and roughly calculate that it would take too long to meet someone, get serious, settle down, and then have kids.

However the good news is that it seems when people meet someone when they're our age is that they choose better partners. They usually don't waste time on people who they aren't 95% compatible with, therefore they tend to get serious much quicker & settle down a lot quicker than with someone you met when you were 20.

So , if you do decide to make the change of breaking up with someone you're doubtful of getting engaged to, and doubt is the one, my prediction is as follows:

It will be a difficult cycle to break, however when you feel 'free' you will reap the benefits, in turn your confidence will grow
You and your female friend will have fun filling up your weekends with exciting stuff you enjoy
You will find a hobby that you love and will in turn expand your social circle
You will meet many frogs, many 'princes' and finally the one
All your worries about feeling depressed etc will be gone

Please don't just wait around for something to change that will magically make you happy!

In your opening paragraph you describe yourself as a 29 year old girl. It might be nothing, but you really need to look at yourself as the bright, articulate & sensitive & u mentioned pretty woman that you are!!!

shalalala

I wouldn't instantly break up with your boyfriend, I think you need to do some solo soul searching first.

Forget everything that your parents say to you. This is about how you feel about yourself. You need to do what makes you happy. If you are happy staying in and watching a film, do that. But what gets me, it seems you are doing it because you have nothing else to do.

I would say try out meetup.com. It is a great place to meet new people and try new things. Take up a hobby, something that you always wanted to do but perhaps didn't have the confidence for. It is never too late.

Go to counselling. A depression diagnosis isn't going to help you but breaking the chain of negative thoughts will.

If you make positive changes, you might move away from your boyfriend but it might make you closer. That remains to be seen. Good luck op!

Rubberchikken

your 29 not 129 so let whatever your mom says about age pass you by for the moment. she is probably concerned for you and sometimes parents say the stupidest things because they haven't got the courage or sense to say what's actually bothering them.

have you talked to your bf? 9 years is a long time and tbh it sounds like you've reached a stage where he's your best friend and you love him but maybe aren't in love with him as you were years ago.

only you can really decide what the next stage holds.
there's nothing 'wrong' with you imo, you've just got yourself into a rut and maybe now is a good time to start digging yourself out.

you don't mention work. but if you're working and have time, expand your social life. take up a hobby/interest. don't spend every weekend indoors.
go easy on yourself, and you'll find that things will fall into place in their own time.

take care

Stavro Mueller

What's coming across to me is that you're in a rut. Things are bound to go stale if your social circle consists of little more than your boyfriend and a female friend. Perhaps you've invested so much in the relationship down the years that you've let life pass you by. You've said you like to chill and watch movies but that may not be enough. Would you consider giving yourself a push and trying other things? Taking up a sport or an activity for example? Something that'd get you out of the house, meeting new people and doing something different? I'm wondering is there a tug of war going on in your head. The tug being between your wanting to stay home and your wish that things were different? Change doesn't come without making the effort unfortuntely.

Whether breaking up with your boyfriend's a good or a bad idea is up to you. You may be throwing the baby out with the bathwater because of your general dissatisfaction with your life. What you need to decide is whether you're staying with him out of habit and the fear of being alone or because you can see yourself and himself being together forever. Perhaps try to sort other aspects of your life first before you make any rash decisions.

I suspect your mum's talking like that because she sees you're not going anywhere. 29's not ancient - you've still got time to have children but it's important to have them at the right time, with the right person and for the right reasons. Why is it that you live for the moment? Are you fearful for the future?