Why am I so quiet?

LegacyUser

Hi,

As per the title, I am very frustrated with myself for being the way I am. I'm a young guy of 24 who, whilst never being a loner, has only ever really had a small amount of friends. I have a job and I'm currently on a solo trip to Asia. I read up on solo travel and thought "perfect, if anything can get me out of my quiet shell it'll be this".

But sadly that has not been the case. I've been here over a week, chatted to a few people but I find that by day i'm just wandering around on my tod taking the culture/sights in and eating alone and then by night when everyone is drinking i'll tend to join in for a chat. I made one friend from France who I'll visit next year which is cool but we've gone seperate ways now. I recognize that the actual act of solo travel is a quite brave thing to do but still can't help feeling discontented.

I guess I find myself constantly comparing myself to others I see that just make friends instantly. They walk into a room and bang, they have conversation. Same story at home when i'm working, I keep to myself. It's difficult to accept myself for being this way, I feel like i'm the only person in history to solo travel and stay on their own for the majority of it. Also aren't I gonna live a completely unfulfilled life for being this way? Even meeting a girl again, I haven't met one since I was dumped 2 years ago. Thanks for any advice that anyone gives.

Teyla Emmagan

You sound like you're spending too much time in your own head to be honest! Some people are just quieter, and that's fine. It doesn't mean your life won't be as fulfilling. These people you are chatting with in the evening, have you asked anyone to actually join you to do x or y the next day? Sometimes you have to be the one to reach out. On the other hand you sound very self sufficient. You could be comparing yourself to people who aren't able to be alone!

jopax

I would agree with teyla, definitely spending too much time thinking about it. There is nothing wrong with being quiet, you are only 24 so still a baby really.
I can guarantee that there are plenty of women out there that would prefer the quiet type to some jumped up ass..... who loves listening to the sound of their own voice.
Just try and go with the flow and enjoy this time in your life. You sound a lot more interesting than a lot of men your age who only want to sit in the pub and get drunk.
You are out there experiencing life, you are a bit lonely but that's ok, you won't always feel like that.
You will probably look back in years to come and wish you had savoured your time alone.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, have fun on your travels.

Rubberchikken

envy you the courage to travel to Asia yourself. something i always wanted to do but never had the nerve.
it's only been one week. you made a friend with a French person you'll hopefully see nect year. that's a great start.

instead of finding negatives, try very hard to pick out all the positives. there are plenty.

enjoy your trip. keep mixing, keep talking when you get the opportunity, and enjoy the soliditude when it happens too.

and nothing wrong with being a quiet person. the world would be a painful place if everyone was loud.

have fun:)

Frank Lee Midere

You went to Asia at 24 and while not conversing with locals during the day you meet strangers at night?

You met a friend who will visit Ireland next year?

Alcohol is popular for a reason. We all need it for social lubrication with few exceptions. You seem normal.

Frank Lee Midere

As for the work thing just oh out for a few drinks. If you are fun when drinking or socialising and quiet at work people will just see you as busy.

Lalealea

TheQuietOne14 wrote: »

Hi,

As per the title, I am very frustrated with myself for being the way I am. I'm a young guy of 24 who, whilst never being a loner, has only ever really had a small amount of friends. I have a job and I'm currently on a solo trip to Asia. I read up on solo travel and thought "perfect, if anything can get me out of my quiet shell it'll be this".

But sadly that has not been the case. I've been here over a week, chatted to a few people but I find that by day i'm just wandering around on my tod taking the culture/sights in and eating alone and then by night when everyone is drinking i'll tend to join in for a chat. I made one friend from France who I'll visit next year which is cool but we've gone seperate ways now. I recognize that the actual act of solo travel is a quite brave thing to do but still can't help feeling discontented.

I guess I find myself constantly comparing myself to others I see that just make friends instantly. They walk into a room and bang, they have conversation. Same story at home when i'm working, I keep to myself. It's difficult to accept myself for being this way, I feel like i'm the only person in history to solo travel and stay on their own for the majority of it. Also aren't I gonna live a completely unfulfilled life for being this way? Even meeting a girl again, I haven't met one since I was dumped 2 years ago. Thanks for any advice that anyone gives.

Some people make friends easily whether they can retain them is less certain.

Remember that.

It's quality not quantity. Firstly you have remember that traveling doesn't give oppertunity for friendships to develop.

Stop being so hard on yourself and relax. Don't have other peoples expectations.

Friendships are truly to be treasured. Look after them and they will look after you. Same goes for relationships.

Enjoy your time out start having fun vary the places you go. Night clubs are tough to make friends in. Try sitting in a cafe or going to a museum. Keeping mixing and remember it IS hard to make friends traveling. Others find this too. So if you see someone on their own. Go up to them and say 'hey if you need someone i'm here'.

BlueFairy

You sound like you might be an introvert. I don't mean someone who is shy, I mean that you have an introvert brain that works differently to extrovert brains. If you read up on it, you may discover some things about yourself that help.

I used to feel quite similar to you, annoyed with myself for being unable to connect with people well. I was told that I was antisocial which really frustrated me because I'm actually a very friendly and open person. When I learned about what introversion is it completely changed how I view myself. I am more understanding of who I am, and what works best for me socially and personally

Susan Cain has done some great research and writing on introversion, you might like her TED talk (I can't post the link because I'm a new user, but if you Google it you will find it easily).

There are lots of helpful articles online, just have a poke around!

LegacyUser

I did the same thing as you at your age in Europe. And I was the quiet one also.

It took me two weeks to come out of my shell... and I was forced to as I hadn't spoken to anyone in fourteen days.

There will always be outgoing / non reserved people who walk into a room and start chatting to people. But, is that the person you want to be? I've been in places reading a book or whatever and someone comes up to my table, sits down and starts talking at me.... hardly someone I want to befriend.

What you could do is to arrange to meet the people you're out with at night the next day and go exploring with them.

Or just ask "what are you guys up to tomorrow?" "Cool, do you mind if I tag along?".

I remember travelling in Barcelona for a week on my own and the two girls I'd meet at night presumed that i wanted to go exploring on my own rather than with them.

If you see someone reading a book just ask "how's the book?"

When travelling, most people want to engage with others. All it takes is a simple intro. And travelling is the perfect chance to practice that. That's how I met many women while travelling.

20 years on and I'm still the same person but I now can strike up a conversation with people should I wish to do so. It just takes that small step and it can be very rewarding.

Good luck and enjoy your travels. And don't be hard in any way on your self. You are very brave to head off on your own. That takes balls.

Tokyo

Hi OP,

What you are describing is one of the main fears of every solo traveller – how will I meet people? - so believe me you aren't alone in this. Like you, the majority of my travelling is done solo, and I appreciate how daunting it can be at times to be in a new place, establish those friendships from scratch again, find points of interest and so on. But it is worth stepping back and seeing that by default you do have something in common with everybody there - a love of travelling.

I'm not sure what your accommodation situation is there, but if you aren't already, consider staying in hostels form time to time, it's a great way to meet fellow travelers in a more close knit environment that isn't a pub or club. Everybody has stories to tell while travelling, and it doesn't take much to get one started - ask any traveler about the highlights of their trip or tips on where to go, and it's an instant conversation starter. And don't let it be all one sided - share your experiences too.

Another option is to sign up for activities and classes, or take part in day tours. Most questhouses and hostels have ads for tours, or messages form other backpackers who want to take part in a tour as a group in order to split the costs, so don't be afraid to join in. And think outside the box and be open to new experiences - activities don't always have to be drink orientated. I used to sign up for cookery courses in each country (I love Asian food), and met plenty of like minded tourists and local people alike. IF you're near the coast, then scuba diving is the activity of choice - I spent four days on a boat in the gulf of Thailand with strangers, and we still keep in touch to this day. And there are other activities and opportunities that will cater to what you like to do.

And most of all, try to enjoy it. It's easy to let the troubles from home come to the surface, particularly during moments of solitude. Try to leave them at home, and enjoy the adventure for what it is.

Laois6556

Think of anyone that's confident and outgoing, how do you think they got that way? They weren't just born like that, they gained it through years of behaving in a certain way and making it a normal part of their personality. In other words through practice. They mighten't have been aware that they were teaching themselves this personality trait but they were. So for everyone else not like this but wish to gain confidence in public situations the only way is through practice.
Through putting themselves in situations where they have to talk and speak up or by forcing themselves to speak up instead of staying quiet. Eventually over time it will become second nature. It's not easy and they don't have to become the centre of attention. Nothing wrong with being a bit quiet but it can be frustrating. I know because I'm quiet and I really should be taking my own advice but it's difficult.

cloudatlas

I'm the same but I've gotten better. Yea you have to meet people half way, talk to other solo travelers. Keep it simple. Ask them how they are getting on, if they are enjoying it so far. You have been successful before with the French girl so you are obviously better one on one than approaching big groups.

Also please buy Susan Cain's 'Quiet', a great book that explodes the myth that introverts are missing out on life and that we aren't necessarily the anti-introvert that we are made out to be.

LegacyUser

Hey,

OP here again. Cheers for the responses so far. I guess my issue is that I don't really understand why I behave how I do. It's like I automatically feel the need to be alone sometimes yet i'm constantly questioning, "why do I feel this way?"

For example, yesterday there was a tour of some islands from the hostel i'm staying in. I had been out the night before mingling with people but instead of going on the tour and getting to know people even better, I didn't bother. I just had a lazy day on the beach on my own. I've been beating myself up over it since. It's like I only feel like spending a certain amount of time around people before I need my own space. In summary, compared to the average backpacker/person my age I feel way too introverted. Like would there really be other people who go to stay in a social hostel only to spend the day alone? I'm not sure.

A big part of me wishes I was extroverted because let's be honest, extroverts are most likely happier people living more fulfilled social and sexual lives.

Ice Storm

Hi OP,

I think you just need to accept yourself. It's ok to be introverted and want to spend time alone. If that's what you feel like doing, then do it.

The great thing about solo travelling is that it's all about YOU! There is no being dragged around places you don't want to be; you can go where you want and do what makes you happy.

If spending time alone at the beach is what makes you happy, then what's the problem? But if you're at the beach, wishing you'd done the island tour then make the decision to move out of your comfort zone next time. Sometimes you need to push yourself a little.

It sounds like you have a balance at the minute - a mix of socialising and alone time. Meeting so many new people can be draining after a while, which could be why you are craving 'me time'.

You're certainly not the only person in your situation. I did 6 months of solo travel in the last year and spent quite a bit of time alone by choice. I did join group tours at times which was nice as I got to know people better but sometimes I missed the freedom of being alone. I'm a few years older than you though and I think since I've got older, I've come to accept that being quiet is ok and while sometimes I wish I could be more extroverted, I do so less now. I think it shows when you are comfortable in your own skin.

Just to reiterate though, some of my best travelling experiences were when I left my comfort zone and did something that scared me. You've already done something amazing - you've travelled to the other side of the world alone. Make the most of it while you're there and don't go home wishing you'd used your time differently. Good luck!

Aimeee

Also want to recommend Susan Cains book Quiet. I'm an introvert, married an introvert. I had personal reasons for looking into this and like yourself questioned why. Leading me to Susan Cain.
I would say how you are feeling is perfectly normal for most intrtoverts. Like yourself I love my time alone. However society (and mother nature) demands we be sociable also. Sometimes I think of it as a show or the game, switch on etc. Put on my public face and smile, eye contact; have a few topics ie weather, news, locality etcetc. Nine times out of ten it'll flow from there.
Trust me there are millions of people like you around, far more common than you think. Its just that the noisy people are louder and therefore more noticeable.
Accept yourself and you'll find that you compare yourself less to others. (Which is just your percerption of them).
By the way I know many extroverts and while certain things may seem easier for them they grapple with stuff too just have different ways of dealing with it.

I took a big trip on my own a few years ago which i thoroughly enjoyed and what surprised me a lot was the amount of people who said I was mad to go alone, they could never do it, and many of those people would be life&soul of the party types.
The world is full of all sorts of people, seriously boring place if we were all the same. And imagine the noise if there weren't people like us around!