Depressed Mother

LegacyUser

I'm at a complete loss as to what to do with my mother. I feel like I’ve reached a dead end and if I don’t get out of the situation I’m going to get dragged down by her too. I moved back home to live with my parents a couple of years ago due to changes in circumstances but now I feel like I’m trapped because of my mother’s mental health issues. She’s in her mid-fifties but seems to have given up on life. This has been ongoing for years and there seems to be little I can do about it.

She's got a lot of personal problems as a result of things that happened to her in the past that she kept buried. It’s so bad now that she spends almost every day at home on her own in the house watching TV. She talks about joining groups or doing lessons in this and that and we always encourage her, but when push comes to shove, she has no interest. Whenever I suggest that she should take up a hobby, she gets defensive and thinks I’m accusing her of doing nothing.

She's an alcoholic and also bulimic (she flat out denied this when I told her that I hear her getting sick in the bathroom). She drinks in secret and thinks that we don’t realise when she’s drunk. She also smokes in secret. When people ask her if she smokes she says no. When I confronted her about this she said that she’d stop pretending that she doesn’t. That was about 6 months ago and I still haven’t seen her smoke (even though I know she still does).

She does everything in secret and constantly lies about things because she thinks that she’ll get in trouble if she tells the truth. It’s impossible to ask her about anything because she gets so defensive and will just tell us what she thinks we want to hear. I think maybe she was afraid of someone in the past and used to get into trouble when she did something wrong so now she spends her days covering up rather than just admitting to things. A typical example would be that she broke something, I ask if she’s seen it, she says no so I waste hours looking for it. Next I ask my dad and he says he saw it in the bin last week. I wouldn’t even care that it’s broken but it’s so frustrating to know that you can’t ask her something because you won’t get a straight answer.

She has threatened suicide numerous times and even left me an illegible suicide note when she was too drunk to be able to form proper words.

She drives absolutely everyone away. She doesn’t have any proper friends anymore and isn’t willing to go out and meet people. She spends her days giving out about people. She hasn’t seen a lot of these people in years but still constantly regurgitates the same old stories and knocks people. I usually try and change the subject when this starts up. She has fallen out with so many people I can’t even keep track anymore.

She goes to therapy sporadically through the public health system and it just isn’t enough. Either the people she’s going to are so incompetent that they can’t see the extent of her issues or else she’s lying to them too. She is on medication for depression.

Everything she does is careless. Her dinner is thrown together, I’d rather make my own but she insists on it and at least it is one thing that she does every day so I don’t want to take that away from her. Her personal hygiene and cleanliness leaves a lot to be desired.

None of my friends know about this. One of my friends has gone as far as saying “you don’t know how lucky you are. You have a perfect family with no problems”. This really bothers me because nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors and I’d never say that to anyone. The only person I’ve talked to is my boyfriend and on one particular occasion she overheard me on the phone to him and completely exploded because I was talking about her. I feel that I need to confide in at least one person for the sake of my own mental health if nothing else.

She talks about wanting grandchildren and she’d look after them but the sad thing is I could never leave a child in her care. Grandchildren are not going to solve her problems.

I’ve tried to encourage her to call a helpline (Pieta House or something similar). Maybe she has but I doubt it.

One of the worst things about it is I've reached a point where everything she does frustrates me and I find it very difficult to be around her. I know I’m now adding to her problems. I’ve reached the end of my tether. I’ve gotten to the point where I feel like it is pointless trying to help her because she doesn’t seem to want help. There’s so much publicity surrounding mental health at the moment which is great. It constantly encourages people to talk about problems and to seek help. But what if they do talk and say they want help but they just seem like empty words. I just don't know how to help her. When she talks about wanting to get better, she says that she wants it for our family. I’ve told her that she needs to want it for herself more than anything else because she’ll never fully commit to it if she’s just doing it for others.

Sorry about the long-windedness of this post. This is only scratching the surface. There’s so much more that I haven’t said. I don’t really know what I’m asking here. I guess I wanted to write it down and get it off my chest.

Does anyone have any idea what I can do?

greengirl31

OP, I could have written a very similar post 10 years ago. My Mum had a long history of depression and mental illness, on top of that she was drinking heavily. She did everything openly but I think she hid the extent of her drinking a bit. I was also living at home and I was the only person that seemed to get through to her even though not enough for her to actually do anything constructive. I spoke to her GP and all he told me was there was nothing that he or I could do until she wanted help. I remember thinking at the time what little use that would be to me if I found her at the bottom of the stairs but of course he was right. In the meantime, all of her negativity was dragging me down and I too was diagnosed with depression also. The difference was though that I was determined not to end up like my mum and got help quickly and recovered quickly.

Your mum seems to have a lot of issues which are all inter-related. Are they being dealt with by her GP or any professional ?? What happened with the attempted suicide ?? was there any referral made for in-patient treatment ?? What has your Dad to say about it ?? Do you have any siblings that you can talk to or even get their input and perspective on the situation

But my advice to you would be to take a step back … Move out if you can. Speak to your mum and tell her how you hate seeing her like this and you will help her in any way you can but you can’t do it for her. And that’s the crux if it – you can’t do it for her and you can’t help her if she doesn’t want help

10 years later, my mum still has mental health issues but is dealing with them better. She also goes to AA meetings and has been sober for over 2 years now …. So don’t lose hope

Good luck

catonthewire

Hi OP,



I suffer from a mental health illness and brought my children up for quite a few years alone, they are now all adults and have been wonderfuly supportive of me especialy over the last few months...


Firstly, you are not capable of shouldering your mum's problems alone, please speak to professionals immediately for your on sake, they will support and advise you as to how you can cope and deal with the sad situation you are in..


Secondly, your mum sadly appears to be unaware of the chaos she is causing, this is obvious from what you have written here..
Mental health problems, depression, heavy drinking ect are often entwined with the suffers incapability to see how others see them...
Your mum does not mean to lie or deny she is extremely unwell, however only SHE can take the first step towards wellness.

Tough love can often be the only way forward , both for family and the suffer...
Please contact an organisation that will support you, then sit down with your mum, tell her you love her, but at the moment can't help her, Unless SHE is prepared to take the first step..
As suggested by the poster above, could you make plans to move out?..
Have you other family you could even stay with for a while , giving you.a chance to take a break from the situation at home...

Thirdly, book an appointment for your Mum with her GP, if she refuses to go with you, go yourself, write down all that you have described here, tell them that the situation is at crisis point....
The onus is on them and your mother's professional workers to give her the help she so obviously and desperately needs...

LegacyUser

Op here. Thanks so much for your replies.

To be honest, I don’t really know what goes on with her GP. He definitely knows that she’s depressed as she’s on medication for depression. She also goes to a councillor through the public health system (although her appointments seem to be few and far between). When she left the suicide note, we (dad and I) ended up bringing her into A&E because we didn’t know what to do. She talked to a psychiatrist for quite a while but I was left in the waiting room so I’m not sure what was said. She spent one night in the psychiatric ward of the hospital but the next day she came home. She said that they told her she didn’t need to be there. I don’t know how they figured this when nothing had changed between that morning and the night before.

I think my Dad has reached a stage where he just accepts it and doesn’t seem bothered in trying to do anything. I guess it’s been going on for so long that he has decided there’s nothing he can do so just tries to not get dragged down by it. Don’t get me wrong, he does a lot of giving out about the situation, but he says he doesn’t know what to do. I guess it’s not ever talked about until there’s a huge blow up. I’m sure he’s just as frustrated as I am but ignoring it seems to be how he deals with it.

Yes I have two sisters. Both of them have distanced themselves and visit infrequently. I’ve never sat down and had a long talk with them about it. They’re well aware of what’s going on although they wouldn’t know every little detail as they’re not around. Maybe they don’t realise just how bad things are. I do think it’s a good idea for me to talk to them though and fill them in

It’s a bit clearer to me what I need to do now. I think one of my first steps would be to move out. It would be easier for me to have patience if I’m not dealing with her on such a regular basis. I also need to talk to a professional and talk to my sisters.

Thank you both for the advice.

greengirl31

Hi OP …

Glad you’ve reached some decisions … I really do think a little distance from the situation will do you good.

Just a quick reply in relation to the A&E & the psychiatric care - I suspect your mum told them she didn’t need to be there rather than the other way around. It’s very hard for someone to be kept in a hospital against their will. And it all stems back to your mum can’t be helped if she doesn’t want to help herself … recovering from the issues she has is no easy task … But people do it all the time so all is not lost …

For you though, you need to look after yourself. Find yourself a counsellor and get your own head together. Speak to your sisters and get support from them but don’t expect them to fix your mum either cause they can’t any more than you can.

Good luck