Mother In Law Problems

LegacyUser

Meant to go on hols today with my missus. We were going to send our two year old to her mothers for the few days. Both of us need the holiday as we haven't had one together in years and it's been a stressful year with buying a house and work and stuff.

Her mother has always been a bit unreliable.

Anyway, this week she's been fairly erratic. Yesterday it blows up when her mother starts claiming that her partner of 15 years is leaving her. We call him and he says he hasn't a clue what she's talking about. They'd been arguing but they never talked about splitting up. Then my sister in law calls saying that she had an argument with the mother in law and the mother in law threatened to kill herself.

At that stage, I just thought there was no way I'm going on hols and sending my kid into that so I cancelled the holiday. That's now caused a big row with my missus because she says she's now in a terrible position with her mother (which she is) and I'm over-reacting.

Now she's always been erratic and suicide claims are not new but she seems particularly unstable this week. Her family all agree that she's mentally unwell. I don't think she would harm the little fella as she loves him but just think it's too big a risk to take. Am I over-reacting?

Tokyo

I don't think you are overreacting OP. While you say that you "don't think she would harm the little fella as she loves him", she still isn't in a mental state where she seems responsible enough to devote her energies to a two year old and his welfare for a few days - she seems too caught up in her own issues at the moment to be honest. And unfortunate things can and do happen in those circumstances.

Has anybody in the family taken steps towards recommending that she get some professional help?

m'lady

I agree with Mike OP, your not overreacting and to be very honest if she's as unstable and unreliable as you have said then I'm very surprised you both asked her to mind your son for a few days ar all?
This woman needs help and I really hope that her family look into getting that for her.

Rubberchikken

the woman needs to see a doctor. hopefully her family will do something about this sooner rather than later.
try not to let the lack of a holiday cause any ill will at the moment. it can be re-booked when things are better.

Big Bag of Chips

I have to agree with m'lady. From what you say this isn't new or unusual behaviour for your mother-in-law so I don't think you should ever ask her to take your child for extended periods. She doesn't seem able to cope at the best of times, so adding the extra stress of a child wouldn't be fair on anyone. Your wife doesn't have to tell the truth when she explains why the holiday is cancelled. She can just say something came up, something happened and the holiday was postponed.. Make an excuse.

As a family they have to encourage her to go to her GP for a chat. She is caught up in the middle of it and her behaviour is now normal for her. But looking in from the outside you can all see it is not normal. She mightn't know she needs help. She mightn't even be aware that she doesn't have to live her life feeling like this. But a chat with her GP can go a long way towards helping her. And making things easy for everyone else around her.

Don't tell her the truth about why the holiday is cancelled. Come up with a plausible excuse and stick to it. I'm surprised that your wife is more upset at being put in an awkward position than she is about her mother's behaviour and leaving your child in her care.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for the replies and there are some really good points - m'lady's particularly.

She's had him quite a few times (not for this long though) and there hasn't been a problem albeit I've always been uneasy with it. However, it's not easy to tell her family that she's seriously in need of professional help because her behaviour has almost become normal to the point that her family now write it off as attention seeking. I know how that looks written down, negligent on my part almost.

She's very good with my son. But you're absolutely right, we shouldn't be putting the child in that position. There's a very messy history here and the MIL will be aware by now why the holiday is cancelled.

Big Bag of Chips

If your mother-in-law knows the reason, then now is the perfect time for someone (your wife?) to suggest that she should go to the doctor. You say she knows the real reason. Exactly what does she know. That you think it's unfair to ask her to mind your child when she's unwell at the moment... Or that "you" cancelled the holiday because "you" didn't want her minding him?

Your wife has the perfect opportunity now to approach and try help her mother....

Raminahobbin

I don't care what hassle it would cause with my partner, if I was in your shoes I'd have done the same. It would be awful to be away on your first holiday together in ages only to be worrying the whole time, and if would be awful for you to have gone ahead with the arrangements out of politeness, only for your child to be left in an unstable environment.

Hopefully now the MIL will get the help she needs, but you can't control that. You can only look after your own family. You were right to go with your gut, and your wife will see it from your point of view after she gets over the initial stage of feeling bad for her mother.

MistyCheese

FWIW I think you did absolutely the right thing. You shouldn't leave your child with someone you're not 100% comfortable with.

Neyite

You did the right thing. I would not risk it either.

A two year old is hard work, moreso when they are in an environment that is likely not so childproofed as your own home, where there are breakables and hazards everywhere that they are just itching to get their hands on.And with toddlers, everything can be a trial to complete - no is their favourite word!

I'm just back from an in-law weekend and keeping the toddler away from the stairs, the open fires, the animals, the low shelving in the bathroom heaving with toiletries and junk, and all the low level knick-knack tables brimming with breakables. I turned my back for a split second and he was trying to play with a chainsaw. I wish I was kidding! Add in the stonewalling that toddlers are masters of for every little thing, and I'm wrecked after that weekend

If I had to add in an unstable personality, there is no way I'd leave him there unsupervised. My patience was well tested, and I'm pretty laid back.

I think that you need to explain to your wife that the family have normalised this behaviour over the years, but that if she stands back and takes a good look, she might see where you are coming from. Alternatively, is there a neutral person who's opinion she would value who would agree with you - say a GP or a trusted friend who might help her see it objectively?

Honestly, I'd take being the Bad Guy in this scenario and being bitched about behind my back as being a precious parent any day over this.