Problems in the bedroom

LegacyUser

Lately I've been going through a hard time at work, overbearing boss, huge workload and extremely long hours.

Sometimes when I come home from work and get food when myself and the girlfriend retire to the bedroom I'm simply not physically or mentally able to have sex. Too tired, too stressed out and just not into it. It's not that I don't want to, it's that I cant. When I'm in form and well rested the sex is great. We still have sex 3-5 times a week so its not like its a dead bedroom.

When I'm unable/simply too exhausted to have sex my OH takes it very badly, at the mild end sulking, and at the extreme end of things it turns into a row with her accusing me of suiting myself and saying I'm rejecting her. It simply wont wash with her that I do a physical job and for the past number of months have been working under very hard conditions and that sometimes when I come home I'm simply not able.

Sometimes in these situations I give in and we end up having terrible awkward sex where I'm barely at half mast. Which makes things worse again and she will sulk/turn away on her side like I've done something wrong. Basically she's incredibly demanding in the bedroom and is really really pushy when it comes to sex.

Again when things are well, like on the weekend, days where I come home relatively fresh or on holidays the sex reverts to great and mutually satisfying. But I'm not listened to if I communicate my exhaustion, and I feel I'd be a real a**hole and I was demanding if the situation was reversed.

Any thoughts?

Jenneke87

It sounds like she's more of the problem than you are. Instead of supporting you and understanding your issues she's all about having her needs fulfilled without caring about your state of being and perhaps giving you a rest, I mean you're at it 3-5 times a week....compared to the countless threads of sexless relationships and marriages she's getting a pretty good deal.

I think you need to state very clearly and firmly how your job is affecting you and your energylevels and that she's not helping. It's not like you're leaving her " hanging there" for weeks on end so she's being rather selfish. I wish you good luck with it.

Penny Tration

Op, you and your girlfriend need to sit down and have a serious chat about this.

Even though you're having a lot of sex, she sounds as though she's feeling rejected.

However, that is in no way your fault and it absolutely doesn't excuse what she's doing.

Never, ever let yourself be pressured into sex! No means no. It's that simple.

I think you need to sit down and tell her in plain English that you're exhausted, you have a bigger workload, and you simply can't want sex as much when you're shattered and stressed. I'd tell her that you still love and fancy her, too, in case she's acting like this out of insecurity.

It's not like you're depriving her of sex if you're still having sex 3-5 times a week. That sounds like a very healthy amount, actually!

If she needs intimacy and affection, cuddle up in bed at night, kiss her, wrap your arms around her. If she's being demanding simply because she's aroused - well, she can sort herself out once or twice a week.

Shrap

sexwoes wrote: »

Again when things are well, like on the weekend, days where I come home relatively fresh or on holidays the sex reverts to great and mutually satisfying. But I'm not listened to if I communicate my exhaustion, and I feel I'd be a real a**hole and I was demanding if the situation was reversed.

Any thoughts?

OP, you've hit the nail on the head there - she's being a real a**hole about it. As green-screen says, she can sort herself out if she's that horny and you're not.

Every relationship has it's slumps (well, maybe not every but certainly most) and how the couple deals with the feelings that arise (no pun intended) is a real measure of how understanding you each are of what the relationship is about. No relationship is based entirely on sex (you'd hope) and just because the sex isn't on offer for a few nights, or more, doesn't mean that the more up for it person has been rejected as a partner or is being seen as unattractive.

You really need to ask her if she's prepared to risk the relationship by making you feel so bad about when you aren't on form. These things have a habit of being internalised if they're not spoken about out in the open and before too long, this pressure may start affecting you on the nights you aren't so tired as well. If it's a case that she needs super-reinforcement that you love and care for her all the time, well there's not much more lovely than just cuddling and falling asleep that way. It's time for her to respect your needs equally.

Redser87

Imagine if the roles were reversed, there is no way it would be ok for a man to get into a huff because his girlfriend is too tired and physically unable for sex. Equally as green screen has said, no means no, even if it's not a case that you don't want it. If you're not able for sex, you're not able and that's all there is to it. both partners have to respect each other's needs and energy levels, and it would be unusual for a couple to go through life with both having the exact same wants, needs and readiness levels all the time. See if you can find a way to compromise so that she doesn't feel rejected and you're not pressured into doing something you're not able for - maybe agreeing that 3 or 4 times a week you'll have a kiss and a cuddle and it will go no further - and go wild the other nights!!

LegacyUser

Thanks for the feedback. I think we need to have a serious chat about it. She's away for the weekend so will broach the subject when she gets home. I know she needs a lot of validation and I think sometimes that spills into our sex life whereby she needs to know constantly that I'm sexually attracted to her. All the reassurance and cuddling in the world doesn't work, a lot of the time she'll still turn away on her side angry with me. It makes both of us feel bad.

I think a lot of the problem was at the start of the relationship it was twice a day 7 days a week we were doing it, now about a year and a half later we've settled into something less than that (perhaps inevitably). I dunno, I get the feeling this will put a major strain on the relationship the way its going.