Should we get back together

LegacyUser

I really, really miss my ex and am contemplated asking him if he would like to try again but I thought I try for some unbiased opinions first.
We'd been going out for about a year, almost all long distance, when I started to doubt my feelings. I wondered if he was really the one for me, if I really loved him enough, if the fact that he didn't like to travel/wasn't a morning person/other little things were signs that it wasn't meant to be.
I came home for the summer but ended up getting a job several hours from Dublin. Seeing him became a hassle because I felt so obliged to see him and fit him in around family and friends as I knew I was only going to be home for the summer. I told him as much, and he said that, because he didn't want to break up, we could just see each other casually over the summer. I was sceptical at first because I was afraid he was getting his hopes up about our future but agreed because I didn't want to lose him either.
Turned out it was a wonderful idea and reminded me of why I loved him in the first place. However, we mutually came to the decision to break up at the end of the summer, so we could stay friends (as opposed to keep doing another few years of long distance and potentially end up hating each other). Everyone said that was a stupid idea but we had our minds made up.
Anyway, I ended up finding seeing him to heartbreaking, knowing we were just going to break up, so we ended it earlier than planned, in July.
The rest of my summer was awful. Admittedly I was less stressed with less on my plate but pretty lonely. I assumed things would be better when I moved abroad. I was so wrong. I'm rushed off my feet but everytime I have a second to myself I'm just daydreaming of him, even just texting him. Sometimes I can't sleep, I miss talking to him so much. I've tried going on dates but I just don't fancy anyone else. I can't believe I ever thought someone might replace him. But what really worries me is that this was my first relationship so I can't trust my inexperienced feelings about this. All I know is that right now I feel like even if getting back together is the wrong decision the relationship needs to run its course. Any opinions?

Mr. Incognito

But what really worries me is that this was my first relationship so I can't trust my inexperienced feelings about this

That, frankly is nonsense.

If you want to be with one person and only with one person, you hang in there for dear life and never let go. Ever. Not for distance, time, money, stress, jobs, bereavements, wins, losses.

The amount of people that never feel that way, fake it, want it, lose it, throw it away, regret it, mourn it, well, lets just say James Blunt's career never would have gotten off the ground the whingey little gimp

jopax

Why not just chat to your ex, explain how you feel and see how he feels.
He might feel the same way as you, at the end of the day, if its what both of yee want just go for it.
You will never know until you try, nothing ventured nothing gained.
Good luck with it!

Redser87

I'm marrying the first and only guy I've had a relationship with. So don't let lack of experience bother you. I think jopax is right, by talking to him you will know how both you and he feel.

strobe

Has anything changed? From what you say it will still be years of long distance and all the same problems that brings..?

Are you sure this just isn't a case of you missing having a boyfriend and panicking you won't find another because you've been on a few dates and haven't clicked with or fancied the lads?
It's only been a couple of months.. .

LegacyUser

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

That, frankly is nonsense.

If you want to be with one person and only with one person, you hang in there for dear life and never let go. Ever. Not for distance, time, money, stress, jobs, bereavements, wins, losses.

The amount of people that never feel that way, fake it, want it, lose it, throw it away, regret it, mourn it, well, lets just say James Blunt's career never would have gotten off the ground the whingey little gimp

I don't mean to sound rude, but I genuinely don't understand what you're trying to say or how it relates to my post. What I mean was that because he was is my first love I worry that it isn't "real" love, that I don't love him enough, or as much as he loves me. I've nothing to compare it too and I'm not an emotional person so I find the concept of love as a feeling very confusing.

Has anything changed? From what you say it will still be years of long distance and all the same problems that brings..?

Are you sure this just isn't a case of you missing having a boyfriend and panicking you won't find another because you've been on a few dates and haven't clicked with or fancied the lads?
It's only been a couple of months.. .

both of your points are my biggest worry. With regards to the long distance, I originally would have agreed with you, but the way I'm thinking now I would rather try, even with the possibility of failing miserably, than just give up like we did.

There is definitely an element of just missing having ANY boyfriend, I really don't like being single. But if that was the main problem then why would I find other people's company so unsatisfying? With the exception of a couple of close friends I really don't enjoy anyone else's company the way I enjoy his. It's a daily struggle not to text him with trivial information about my day...

But at the same time I'm still afraid I'll regret it if we get back together, because in practical terms being single is easier.

strobe

merlady wrote: »

both of your points are my biggest worry. With regards to the long distance, I originally would have agreed with you, but the way I'm thinking now I would rather try, even with the possibility of failing miserably, than just give up like we did.

It kinda sounds like ye did try quite a bit before you both quit. A year mainly long distance, then trying a casual thing as you couldn't commit to the time, before eventually breaking up and then trying to be friends instead... I mean it's not like one minor thing came up and you went your separate ways, ye know?

There is definitely an element of just missing having ANY boyfriend, I really don't like being single. But if that was the main problem then why would I find other people's company so unsatisfying? With the exception of a couple of close friends I really don't enjoy anyone else's company the way I enjoy his. It's a daily struggle not to text him with trivial information about my day...

But at the same time I'm still afraid I'll regret it if we get back together, because in practical terms being single is easier.

Look, I'm only going on a few dozen words here, so bare that in mind, I'm just raising possibilities to consider, but first relationships are weird things, it's easy to have the rose tinted glasses on in a big way once they end, several times I've seen friends of mine end them over issues, then look to jump straight into another one, it not happy to quickly and then try to go straight back to their ex even though all the same issues it didn't work out for were still there and weren't likely to change. I can't think of a time they didn't just break up again in a short enough time, although saying that I'm sure there are times it did work out for people.

IF you're sure it's not just your hating being single and wanting a boyfriend and he isn't just the easiest option you can see for accomplishing this... And you think you two will be able to come up with some way of doing things differently in relation to your issues so that they won't just lead to the end of the relationship again, then maybe it'd be worth getting in touch, and having an open and honest chat with the guy to see what the possibility of you two making a go of it would be, and the specifics of how that would go.

But it seems to me, again bearing in mind I'm just basing this on guess work based on your couple of short posts, that that's a pretty big IF.

Redser87

If he's worth it, and it sounds like being his other half is definitely worth it, you will somehow manage to get past the practicalities. Lots of things are more geared to twos anyway - think single supplements on rooms or holidays, going to weddings on your own, being stuck in a one-bed apartment because you aren't sharing rent.... relationships are about give and take though, so if you want him or any guy to be reliable enjoyable company and someone to text on a daily basis, you will also have to accept that some practicalities just have to go.

ETA: I don't mean get back with him just to enjoy the practicalities of couplehood either!! But IF you decide to get back together, you will have to accept that the intimacy and knowledge that someone is always at the other end of the phone come with losing out on some other things.