Short story feedback.

Lalealea

...

Lalealea

Ok

I wrote this some time ago for a comp that I am re-entering again this time round.

I think for me it takes time for me to be able to stand back and be critical. I think the main thing I was thinking of was that is shouldn't be boring. It probly is.

I think the character was inspired by a pop song I heard.

Anyway looking at it now it's not great at all. But I want to hear what others say before I say anything.

Thank you.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

I suggest getting out more.

Lalealea

Can someone please move this to creative writing...oh dear god the humanity....the embarassment ..AH of all places...ohno

Lalealea

Just kill me now ....kill me now

jamesbondings

i scannedover it to see how long it was before i read it and all i seen were the words BREAST and JOB .....together....

excellent story!!!!!

Lalealea

jamesbondings wrote: »

i scannedover it to see how long it was before i read it and all i seen were the words BREAST and JOB .....together....

excellent story!!!!!

Thank you ....for more read in creative writing. I am not nearly brave enough to post it here. Online gaff

Lalealea

Ok someone just kill me now...actually there should be an anon feature in creative writing. For us sensitive souls.

jamesbondings

tried it again......got EROTIC....this story gets better every time i scan through it

**crosses fingers for nipple**

jamesbondings

its ok lads i copied it i knew this was coming hahahaha

Lalealea

jamesbondings wrote: »

tried it again......got EROTIC....this story gets better every time i scan through it

**crosses fingers for nipple**

I'll re post in creative writing ....actually boobs do come into it more...

Lalealea

jamesbondings wrote: »

its ok lads i copied it i knew this was coming hahahaha

WTF????? Lol haha

Lalealea

Oh no ...now everybody is gonna laugh at me...that's normal and I accept that on a daily basis ....but not about this...oh nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo....nasal whiney sounds...

This is SO me this is the kinda stuff that happens ..ALL THE TIME...lol

jamesbondings

FUTURE CHAVS IN SPACE OR BE THE ENEMY.


A blonde, inscrutable nymphet climbed up the drain pipe of a Kensington house. Her chains were jingling. She was only able to ascend by being so tiny, at barely five feet tall she was also very small boned. Brilliant, arboreal, locomotion was a characteristic of creatures who lived in jungles she decided, so it must be her birthright. She smiled with stone eyes and determination. Her eyes were sunken and deep set, they looked like beauty caused by an iron deficiency, it wasn’t. She was full of iron, full of iron will and silver. Even her eyebrows were blonde, white blonde you could hardly see them against ultra pale skin. She was wearing pink hot pants so if anyone was down below they were getting an eyeful. She was sporting a platinum blonde mullet undercut with the back part of her mane grown down to her tail bone. The front shaved into the tightest Betty Paige bangs. It gave the impression of a high half pony tail even when it was loose. It was a bleached sculpture. She was speaking; actually she was squeaking swear words. But since she always had a high pitched chirp let’s say she was ‘spqweeking’, it was a machine gun hamster tone. ‘**** all you mother****ers’ she was pissed off pink. She danced up that drain pipe like it was easy because it was to her. She ended it with an upside down stripper pole spin, you get the idea. She pulled herself onto the balcony and slowly stood up slowly unfurling her backbone like a cat arching. She probably should have worn something warmer than a loose cami top, you could see her spine, and from certain angles at the front you could see her sports bra. The sky was a neon pink, neo pink, avant garde pink it was basically the pinkness left over after the sky was done being pink. It was post apocalyptic blood pink. It really popped. She stood and raised up her hands to the sky, she was wearing one white wrist band ‘applause for cute little evil me’ she sqwoked in that tiny voice again, the sky clapped thunder. She jumped and limply slapped her hand to her breast bone ‘Oh sweet Mary and baby Jesus’. She winked back up at the sky and kissed her teeth at it. The atmosphere fancied her like crazy. Her eyes had a quality hard to place. She was either dead inside or so flaming alive it was supernatural. They were trafficked eyes that burnt through you. Planet earth is only in one galaxy, so she couldn’t have been intergalactic, but she was galactic. Her eyes had a cold white heat; she was an electric snow queen, only she had a rabbit heart. She stood outside the bedroom window of preppy, middle age, rich masculinity. She squatted and ground her hips; her innominate powers commanded a base drum beat. She was trash, she was power trash. Adonia Aphrodite, she made everything look easy because it was to her. Power trash was on the top of the food chain if she wanted it to be. It was beyond the sun,alien, weird and intergalactic. She was about to complete a biological transaction. She was about to visit a curse on a very rich, sleazy, middle aged,man.

credit: by Lalealea, because he wrote it


told yas lads hahahah, ishall release a paragraph every 5 minutes until my demands are met!!!!!!

Lalealea

jamesbondings wrote: »

told yas lads hahahah, ishall release a paragraph every 5 minutes until my demands are met!!!!!!

OMG ****.........thats ....breaking my pretend copyright ****...
What are your demands??

jamesbondings

i only have one!!!

taco chips.........

Lalealea

ANyway if you ARE going to paste it you could at LEAST give me the credit ...


By Lalealea..cuz I wrote it.

jamesbondings

i only have one!!!

taco chips.........

Lalealea

jamesbondings wrote: »

i only have one!!!

taco chips.........

DONE

Lalealea

Anyway it's in creative writing.

Lalealea

And I gave you a NIPPLE.

jamesbondings

hahaha you didnt ACTUALLY think i had copied it?? you had said you wanted to put it in creative writing so i waited......i think this is the cleverest and most sleaveen thing i have ever done!

Lalealea

jamesbondings wrote: »

hahaha you didnt ACTUALLY think i had copied it?? you had said you wanted to put it in creative writing so i waited......i think this is the cleverest and most sleaveen thing i have ever done!

Fair play. Didn't see that coming.

jamesbondings

Lalealea wrote: »

And I gave you a NIPPLE.

ah feck that im not reading it, pics or GTFO:cool:

Lalealea

jamesbondings wrote: »

ah feck that im not reading it, pics or GTFO:cool:

I had to re reg cuz email was spamming and stuff.

Can't post pics.

Lalealea

I did find a poem about nipples.

jamesbondings

if you pm them i can post em here! ps gave ya the credit! hahaha

Lalealea

jamesbondings wrote: »

if you pm them i can post em here! ps gave ya the credit! hahaha

No.

And thank you.

:-)

jamesbondings

Fine then,

A continuation,

Snap went his phone line; jammy jammy, jammed was the cellular backup that should have triggered his alarm. She realized she had a habit of sticking her tongue out when she was concentrating, she got her habit from her Dad, she observed.It gave her a warm fuzzy feeling.

Credit: by Lalealea because he wrote it

Lalealea

jamesbondings wrote: »

Fine then,

A continuation,

Snap went his phone line; jammy jammy, jammed was the cellular backup that should have triggered his alarm. She realized she had a habit of sticking her tongue out when she was concentrating, she got her habit from her Dad, she observed.It gave her a warm fuzzy feeling.

Credit: by Lalealea because he wrote it

I'm female.

jamesbondings

ah feck sake because "she wrote it"so .....

where are the mods to delete this??? thanks for the laughs! but i feel i have outstayed my welcome once again......im tempted to post the whole lot of it in after hours under my pseudonym laLeaLea........

Esel

Lalealea wrote: »

...

... --- ...

Needs more paragraphs, and maybe a bit of spell-check, with a bit less emphasis on rare words e.g. innominate, sqwoked, nymphet. Also, more hyphens where appropriate.

Above only based on the extract posted by jamesbondings above.

Lalealea

jamesbondings wrote: »

ah feck sake because "she wrote it"so .....

where are the mods to delete this??? thanks for the laughs! but i feel i have outstayed my welcome once again......im tempted to post the whole lot of it in after hours under my pseudonym laLeaLea........

No no you are very welcome at least you read it ...thanks!

Lalealea

Esel wrote: »

... --- ...

Needs more paragraphs, and maybe a bit of spell-check, with a bit less emphasis on rare words e.g. innominate, sqwoked, nymphet. Also, more hyphens where appropriate.

Above only based on the extract posted by jamesbondings above.

Awh thank you for the feedback.
It's spell checked.Prob could use another. I have odd words because I like them.:-P


The formatting was prob altered from the copy and paste, so yes it probably does need more paragraphs. :-)

Is it boring?

jamesbondings

Lalealea wrote: »

No no you are very welcome at least you read it ...thanks!

........i didnt.......

Lalealea

jamesbondings wrote: »

........i didnt.......

You're mean then.

scream

I'm still reading. But what I've read so far certainly isn't boring. Cheering me up no end. Pink Hot Pants are all I can think of now.

jamesbondings

how?? i never once said or alluded to reading it??

Lalealea

scream wrote: »

I'm still reading. But what I've read so far certainly isn't boring. Cheering me up no end. Pink Hot Pants are all I can think of now.

YAY! Thank you for saying its not boring.

Lalealea

jamesbondings wrote: »

how?? i never once said or alluded to reading it??

You're mean cuz you didn't read it :-(

jamesbondings

dya want more scream??



What is the key that opens every door? Is it a warded pick otherwise known as a skeleton key? No! It’s ingenuity! She was about to pick the deadbolt lock on the French window doors with a homemade feeler pick. Noteworthy tip about feeler picks is that if you are going to make one never make one on the job think ahead. She had made a tension wrench and a feeler pick out of bobby pins. Clichéd she knew, but it was a cliché for a reason. Just to mix it up she was going to nick his car afterwards, with a pick made from the hinge of an umbrella. She was also carrying bump keys, a snap gun and a decoder pick. They were all wrapped in tissue to stop them from clanging as she climbed up. The snap gun was just in case. It was a lazy way of quickly‘bumping’ the correct driver pins so the cylinder turns freely for a moment. It encapsulated the principle of Newton’s Cradle impressively i.e., the banging of balls together, demonstrating conservation of momentum and energy. Perfectly,for this occasion, it was also known as ‘The Executive Ball Clicker’. It demonstrates the law of impact between bodies. She believed the world was dynamic and ever changing people’s life paths spun into each other. His life choices had created a yellow brick road of destruction for her and her family. And now she wanted her innocence back. She had decided to steal it.

Credit: by Lelealea because SHE wrote it

Lalealea

The whole thing is in creative writing.

jamesbondings

hang on what P[INK HOT PANTS????????

Lalealea

jamesbondings wrote: »

Credit: by Lelealea because SHE wrote it

Thank you! :-)

jamesbondings

Lalealea wrote: »

The whole thing is in creative writing.

ah now stop ruining my fun i feel like im in a position of power and you are undermining it!:mad:

Lalealea

jamesbondings wrote: »

ah now stop ruining my fun i feel like im in a position of power and you are undermining it!:mad:

I am deeply deeply sorry.

I apologize.

Carry on.

jamesbondings

Thank you, as i was saying .....Taco Chips AND pics or the rest of it gets posted now that I have an interested viewer......

Lalealea

jamesbondings wrote: »

Thank you, as i was saying .....Taco Chips AND pics or the rest of it gets posted now that I have an interested viewer......

I'm trying but the internet has limits!

jamesbondings

it hasnt........tick tock.........3 mins left

Lalealea

jamesbondings wrote: »

it hasnt........tick tock.........3 mins left

TACOS TACOS ...here are tacos....cheesy goodness.

jamesbondings

tacos???? i hate tacos...................................



Her torque was good, very good her touch was light, a female hand was best. She inserted another bobby pin and scrubbed over the pins from the inside to the outside. The pins set and the lock sprung open. She could feel a ‘ping’ in her brain.

thats for offending me.....

Credit: by Lelealea yadayada