moving in with my boyfriend onto his farm

kilkenny46

Hi everybody,
Im new to this...my b friend and I will be moving in together very soon...there is one thing im wondering about,I would be moving into his family home,hes farming and his parents live in another section of the house,theres no mortgage on the house and ive heard stories of others havibg to make a donation before moving in like im planning on doing...im a secondary school teacher and i help on the farm too,just looking for a bit of advice,thanks in advance x

m'lady

A donation? Never heard of that but then again I don't come from a farming background at all. What advice are you actually looking for though, it's not very clear?

kilkenny46

m'lady wrote: »

A donation? Never heard of that but then again I don't come from a farming background at all. What advice are you actually looking for though, it's not very clear?

Im looking for advice from anybody who has been in this situation as in moved into a boyfriends family home,and the idea of a donation if moving onto the farm.

Lux23

Would you not just pay rent?

Addle

Who did you hear it from?
What have you and your boyfriend decided to do about shared expenses?
Have you discussed finances with him at all?

kilkenny46

Addle wrote: »

Who did you hear it from?
What have you and your boyfriend decided to do about shared expenses?
Have you discussed finances with him at all?

Household expenses and all yes but my father who doesnt like him told me a story that a girl needed €40,000 to give to the family before she moved in

jlm29

kilkenny46 wrote: »

Im looking for advice from anybody who has been in this situation as in moved into a boyfriends family home,and the idea of a donation if moving onto the farm.

I'm about to move in to my boyfriends family home (also a farm house on a working farm), and there's no way I'd be paying any donations towards the farm. We've done a fair amount of renovations this summer, and I've paid roughly half, and I'm even a bit embarassed that I spent so much of my money on a house I have no legal right to, but I was the one who wanted most of the work, so fairs fair! We also have a child, and I can't see things going horribly wrong, so i was happy enough.
I'm curious to know exactly what you're donating (or how much), and what you'll get for that?

indigo twist

Oddly enough, I've heard of this happening. However it's usually when the couple are getting married. I imagine that if this family are happy with the idea of you living together unmarried, they're going to be more progressive than to expect anything like this. (And there's also potentially the fear of you laying some claim to the farm if you were to break up!)

I wouldn't expect any donation or rent in this situation, however obviously you should talk to your boyfriend about how you're going to divide the bills between all of you.

Addle

Madness. Pay nothing unless your name is on title.
What happens if you break up?
Will you get a refund?

kilkenny46

jlm29 wrote: »

I'm about to move in to my boyfriends family home (also a farm house on a working farm), and there's no way I'd be paying any donations towards the farm. We've done a fair amount of renovations this summer, and I've paid roughly half, and I'm even a bit embarassed that I spent so much of my money on a house I have no legal right to, but I was the one who wanted most of the work, so fairs fair! We also have a child, and I can't see things going horribly wrong, so i was happy enough.
I'm curious to know exactly what you're donating (or how much), and what you'll get for that?

I wont be donating anything and havent been asked,it was just a story I have heard from a parent of mine,he heard the story about the donation.Id pay rent and bills etc no problem

kilkenny46

kilkenny46 wrote: »

I wont be donating anything and havent been asked,it was just a story I have heard from a parent of mine,he heard the story about the donation.Id pay rent and bills etc no problem

Indigo twist,you have heard of this happening,as in a donation when thet get married?

hardCopy

kilkenny46 wrote: »

Indigo twist,you have heard of this happening,as in a donation when thet get married?

That sounds like a dowry, which was the done thing many years ago. I would have thought those days were long passed.

daisybelle2008

kilkenny46 wrote: »

Household expenses and all yes but my father who doesnt like him told me a story that a girl needed €40,000 to give to the family before she moved in

That sounds like nonsense, probably based on some old fashioned notion of a dowry when marrying.

Do not hand over a lump some on a property you have no legal entitlement to. Contribute fair rent and bills and pull your weight, that's all. Keep your options open though, living in close proximity could turn very claustrophobic.

Ignore what your Dad is saying, your boyfriends family would be very greedy if they took that kind of money off you.

indigo twist

kilkenny46 wrote: »

Indigo twist,you have heard of this happening,as in a donation when thet get married?

A relation of mine was asked to only a couple of years ago. As it happens, she was marrying a Kilkenny man! She refused, it caused all kinds of friction between the families. In the end the parents allowed it, but insisted on some sort of pre-nup agreement (not worth the paper they're written on in Ireland, as far as I know.)

Anyways they're very happily married. To me, it seems very petty and stingey of his parents to have expected such a thing, but they seemed to think it was a reasonable request.

kilkenny46

indigo twist wrote: »

A relation of mine was asked to only a couple of years ago. As it happens, she was marrying a Kilkenny man! She refused, it caused all kinds of friction between the families. In the end the parents allowed it, but insisted on some sort of pre-nup agreement (not worth the paper they're written on in Ireland, as far as I know.)

Anyways they're very happily married. To me, it seems very petty and stingey of his parents to have expected such a thing, but they seemed to think it was a reasonable request.

Was it alot of money indigo?id find that very unreasonable to expect that and what was it for?

Addle

kilkenny46 wrote: »

I wont be donating anything and havent been asked,it was just a story I have heard from a parent of mine,he heard the story about the donation.Id pay rent and bills etc no problem

I think you'd have heard about it by now if you were expected to come up with a lump sum.

kilkenny46

Addle wrote: »

I think you'd have heard about it by now if you were expected to come up with a lump sum.

Maybe not though either i cant believe that still happens

indigo twist

kilkenny46 wrote: »

Maybe not though either i cant believe that still happens

Why not just ask your boyfriend straight out though? If you're moving in with him it shouldn't be a big deal to say "Hey my dad suggested this, I assume it isn't expected here?"

He lets you know either way (probably laughs it off.) Problem solved.

daisybelle2008

kilkenny46 wrote: »

I wont be donating anything and havent been asked,it was just a story I have heard from a parent of mine,he heard the story about the donation.Id pay rent and bills etc no problem

Hi OP, if you have no intention of paying what is your relationship issue? Is there a real issue with your Dads dislike of your boyfriend or your concerns about moving in that is on your mind? Just might help to know if you have an actual problem to address. Otherwise this is just a pointless discussion thread.

kilkenny46

indigo twist wrote: »

Why not just ask your boyfriend straight out though? If you're moving in with him it shouldn't be a big deal to say "Hey my dad suggested this, I assume it isn't expected here?"

He lets you know either way (probably laughs it off.) Problem solved.

Ah here i reckon if it hasnt been brought up yet im not saying a word,wouldnt want to part with that sort of money for what?

Big Bag of Chips

Would your thread be better suited in Farming and Forestry? At least you'd be getting advice from people who would know more about it.

m'lady

kilkenny46 wrote: »

Ah here i reckon if it hasnt been brought up yet im not saying a word,wouldnt want to part with that sort of money for what?

I've already asked, and another poster also.. what's the issue?
You haven't said what the problem is, it hasn't been mentioned by your partner or his family, you haven't mentioned it and nor do you intend on, and if your taking the step and moving into your partners house I'd have thought the financial end of things would have been discussed?

As a side note: have you considered the idea that your father told you this to turn you off moving in with your boyfriend as you previously said he doesn't like him?

Yurt2

Addle wrote: »

Madness. Pay nothing unless your name is on title.
What happens if you break up?
Will you get a refund?

Very much this. Don't be handing over hard earned money with no sort of recourse if the arrangement goes south.

I've plenty of farmers in my extended family and by god there's a money grubbing streak in a lot of them.

Big Bag of Chips

Ok kilkenny46, I'm going to lock this thread. This forum is for asking advice on relationship issues. As mentioned by other posters, you don't seem to be looking for advice or have an issue. If you would like to open up a general discussion on this topic, you would be better off in the Farming and Forestry Forum