Wedding dilemma.

LegacyUser

Difficult situation here and I would appreciate any advice. A very close friend of mine is getting married. We have been friends since we were children. Neither he nor his fiancée are religious. So, when they announced their engagement he told us that the wedding would be a registry office affair. After much pressure from his mother, who is very religious and his father-in-law to be also, they decided to "keep the peace", in his words and have a church wedding. His mother is the local nosey parker (pain in the derriere, gossip) in the estate that I live in now. Given that my other half and I are religious, my friend asked us if we would do the readings at the wedding and we were/are both happy to do so. My other half was delighted in fact, as she is very religious.

Anyway, on Friday evening his mother called to our door. She asked me to tell my friend that we have decided to step down from doing the readings. She said that he doesn't want to ask us himself, as it may hurt our feelings but he would prefer to keep the church service within the family. She asked us to keep the conversation to ourselves. I told her that I would prefer it if my friend asked us himself. She then said that it'd be best not to bring it up, as it may upset him and "we wouldn't want that". I told her that I didn't understand this at all. If he wants to change it, why would he have a problem asking us? She never really responded to this.

So, I was talking to my friend last night. I asked him how everything was regarding the wedding and his reply was that he has a "pain in his ___ with it all". His fiancée is very upset because his mother has taken over. His fiancée really wanted to have a gospel choir but his mother threw a strop saying that a gospel choir belongs in a theatre and not a church, the priest would be appalled by it and they are now having some old lady from the church that she knows. I didn't bring up my situation but I am near certain that he has no problem with my OH and I doing the readings.

So, do I bring it up with him? We discussed this at home and my other half thinks that it may be best if we just stepped aside. We are giving into a bully but my friend won't bare any grudges over it and it'll keep the peace, I think. On the other hand, I hate giving in to bullies and it was my friend's wish (I believe) that we do the readings.

This won't blow over. His mother threw a big strop at his sister's wedding last year regarding the cake because his sister didn't go with her cake "suggestion". It was quite the scene apparently. I do not want to be part of something like that on my friend's big day.

Neyite

Well, reading that I feel much better about my wedding woes now!

He is your friend. I would say be open and honest with him and his bride to be, that you are happy to help or step aside, whichever they go with, and that your friendship will not be affected in any way.

But do what he and his bride wants, not what the auld battleaxe wants.

greengirl31

I'd say nothing if I were you ... If the mother in law has a problem with who's doing the readings let her take it up with the bride and groom and if she comes banging on your door again i'd politely tell her that you'd rather not get in the middle and if your friends want someone else to do the readings you'll happily step aside but you'll wait till they ask you - it is their wedding after all

If i was that couple, i'd be eloping - she sounds like a right battleaxe !!!

LegacyUser

WeddingDilemma wrote: »

I told her that I would prefer it if my friend asked us himself. She then said that it'd be best not to bring it up, as it may upset him and "we wouldn't want that". I told her that I didn't understand this at all. If he wants to change it, why would he have a problem asking us? She never really responded to this.

"Let's just keep this between us" - one of the hallmarks of a manipulative liar.

I disagree with your OH - don't step down. They've asked you to be part of their big day and regardless of what some interfering old witch thinks, it's their wedding to do with as they please. I'd be sticking with the commitment I gave and doing it to honour my friends and make their day what they want as much as possible. It's lovely to be asked, I think the proper response is to do it if it's what they want. They've hhad enough changes forced on them, don't add to their disappointments and stresses, even if you don't think he'll hold a grudge over it.
If the 'oul rip brings it up again, tell her you had a chat with the couple about the arrangements and they are very happy for you to be doing it, so she must have picked them up wrong. If she brings it up again after that, tell her you'll meet her with the couple and discuss it all together if she likes.

ManOfMystery

How do you think you friend would feel if he found out his mother had asked you to step aside from a fairly important part of the wedding ceremony, and you did so without letting him know? It's his wedding. And he is your friend, not his mother.

Stick to your guns. Do the reading. And let him know that his mother asked you to step aside. You don't owe her any loyalty, you do however own it to your friend to be honest. That decision should be taken by him and his other half, no-one else.

LegacyUser

Sweet jebus, reading threads like this make me glad I went abroad for my wedding.
I would stick to your guns OP and stick with what your friend asked you to do which is the readings.
Since the couple are not religious and initially wanted their wedding in a registry office the whole thing sounds like a right sham. I can't believe they are allowing a bully to rule their day. I dread to think what will happen if they ever have kids!

fits

Wow. We are having issues over ceremony also, but nothing like that! Id say nothing and carry on as before. If they want you to not read, it should come from the couple.

ChannelNo5

Guessed wrote: »

"Let's just keep this between us" - one of the hallmarks of a manipulative liar.

Totally agree. I doubt very much your friend has any knowledge of what this woman has said. Definitely do not step aside. Its his and his fiancee's day and you are their choice. Ignore the manipulative old harridan. If its all getting too much for him and you're such good friends he should have no problem coming to you secure in the knowledge that you would do whatever he wants without getting in a huff.

Personally i'd drop the old bag in it from a height, with him but then i'm evil!!

CaraMay

TEll him out straight. He needs to know what else she is manipulating

gazzer

The woman is a bully. Do not give into her. Tell your friend. He deserves to know.

Hannibal Smith

Definitely tell your friend. By default she's directly coming between you. Who knows what she could do between the couple over the years to come.

freshpopcorn

Just say to him. I don't want to cause trouble but the other night MIL called to the door and she said that ye don't want us to do the readings anymore and she was really worried about it. She said that ye didn't want to offend us. Just say then that ye have no problem with them changing there mind because it's his wedding.

Humour Me

Telling him might actually be doing him a favour OP. What else is she trying to change behind their backs? You said she had a melt down over his sister's wedding cake. What's to stop her trying to change everything that doesn't suit her and by the time the bride and groom find out, it's too late to change back?

fits

Why do people go so mental about weddings???

dellas1979

Oh-what a wicked little divil she is!

The thing is, and what I would be wondering, is how does she plan to get away with it all?

As in, if she is telling you lies (X doesnt want you to do the reading).

Then what does she tell the marrying couple (OP/OH doesnt want to do the reading-dont say anything to him/them). I.e., what is she telling them?

Better from the horses mouth in this instance.

Merkin

Weddings really bring out the cray-cray in people :rolleyes: I think their lives must be SO empty that at the first hint of anything vaguely exciting they just lose the plot. (Although, your friend and anyone who lets ANY third party interfere in a wedding between two people is just as bad in my opinion). Any decisions should be made by the bride and groom and everyone else with their opinions should be ignored.

You absolutely must say this to your friend. This woman sounds like a manipulative bully so goodness knows what other plans she is covertly medalling in!

jimmycrackcorm

Do your friend a favour and tell him. He deserves to know.

Toots

Tell your friend, he deserves to know. If I was him, I'd definitely prefer to be told.

Also I'd give him a bit of advice and tell him to make sure the suppliers/venue know that any changes to flowers/dress/cake/meal choices, etc must come directly from the bride and groom, nobody else.

I know of a situation where the bride's mother was an interfering old weapon like your friend's mum, and she tried to change the main courses for the meal (she didn't like what had been picked), luckily the wedding co-ordinator was obviously well used to dealing with situations like that, and immediately phoned the bride to check. The bride straight away called her other suppliers and told them that changes had to come from her or the groom only. The following morning the florist called to let her know that about an hour or so after they'd gotten off the phone, the mother came into the shop and tried to change the wedding flowers (she didn't like gerbera daisies, thought they looked cheap) and when the florist told her that only the bride or groom could change the flowers she stormed out of the shop.

Rubberchikken

You'll have to tell your friend.
Somewhere along the way, you and your oh are going to have to rehearse the readings.
What is it going to look like if your friend only finds out that you won't be doing it when you don't show up for the practice?

Tbh if his mother interfered in his sister's wedding so badly, your friend should maybe have stuck to his original plan.

It's so sad when this kind of thing happens in families.
Good luck with your decision

LegacyUser

Firstly, many thanks for the replies. After further thought and reflection, including your responses, we have decided to invite my friend and his fiancee over for the match tomorrow night and we are going to bring up the topic as part of the evening. My OH actually said that it would be wrong to step down, as per the mother's request, to me this morning, contrary to her initial thoughts. I will report back on how things go. If they want us to step down then we are happy to do that.

dellas1979 wrote: »

Then what does she tell the marrying couple (OP/OH doesnt want to do the reading-dont say anything to him/them). I.e., what is she telling them

Oh no, she wanted us, well me, to approach him and tell him that we were stepping down. God only knows what reason I was supposed to give.

m'lady

Reading this just shows me exactly why we will be going abroad to get married!

Tell your friend OP- him and his fiancée deserve to be aware of this.

MistyCheese

The bride and groom were going to get married in a registry office until she threw her dummy out of the pram. You say they gave in to 'keep the peace' but of course it didn't keep the peace, it opened the floodgates. Now she's interfering in eeeeverything. Why wouldn't she? If something works for you it only makes sense to keep doing it.

I agree you should tell your friend that you were asked by proxy to step aside. Tell him that you (both) will definately do this - definately step aside that is- if it's what they want but you also definately will do the reading if they want you to. Obviously don't say it like "You know what yer aul witch of a mother did..." you could dress it up as a simple misunderstanding. Say, for example "we're not sure, your mother said you might want to keep it in the family. If you do that's absolutely fine. If she's mistaken then we'd be delighted to do it."

Big Bag of Chips

I wouldn't be too cryptic about this. Saying something like "We'll step down if you want" might make them think that you want to step down but don't want to say it straight out. So in the middle of all the ambiguity of who actually wants to do what you may end up giving up your spot without wanting to, and without your friends wanting to.

The best way to approach this is report the facts. Repeat almost word for word what you told us above about the mother approaching you. Don't get emotional about it, as in don't offer opinion on what she said. Don't elaborate on anything. Don't start flustering around with "if you want us to step down we will..". By telling him what was said that is giving them the perfect opportunity to say whether or not something has happened and they would like someone else to do the readings.

Tell him she approached you, asked you not to tell him that she approached you, and that she said he wanted family members to do the readings. If he does he will say so, at that point. If he doesn't he will also make that clear.

LegacyUser

Your friends mother sounds like a "delightful woman". I would bring the couple getting married around to your house and tell them exactly what she told you about the readings.
My feeling is that his mother wants everything her way. He give in about the church to suit her but she going to continue to find something wrong with all his plans.
She will keep trying to change there plans and try to have the day to suit her.
Along with this she will decide who attend the wedding, where it will be held ect.

He needs to stand up to his mother and tell her that it is his and his wife's to be day and not her day which happened x number of years ago. I would then get him to tell his mother he will plan his own wedding, decided who will do the readings and will invite his own guests.
I would also contact anyone dealing with your .wedding in any way and tell them that they can only deal with the bride or groom. My feeling is that is woman is working on changing things to suit her.

I would then tell his mother we are getting married in the church to suit you but since you have decided my friends are not good enough to read at my wedding I am going to ring the registery office and see if they have a date free. Once I do this I will cancel the church.
It is my wedding day and I will make my own plans.

dellas1979

WeddingDilemma wrote: »

Oh no, she wanted us, well me, to approach him and tell him that we were stepping down. God only knows what reason I was supposed to give.

The crafty auld yoke!

Shrap

I'd say she has all her nearest and dearest sisters/brothers/aunts/etc already told what a huge family event it'll be and how they'll all be asked to do readings. My guess is that she tried to persuade the son to share out the readings between everyone she'd promised them to, got a firm no (and news that you and your wife were doing them) and beetled straight round to you to try an (outrageously!) underhand method.

Your friend might need to think back awhile and remember what else he said no to his mother about. Then he should go recheck his plans and make sure they're still in place, like others said. Sure, there could be 50 more dinner places already, and the friend's real friends already asked to give up their places at the table!

LegacyUser

So, my friend and his fiancee were round last night and it turned out to be an interesting night. This wedding would fit in well in any soap. Anyway, my OH opened the wedding conversation by asking how the planning was going. My friend responded by saying that is was going ok. His fiancee laughed and said it was going ok, if you put aside the issues with the church, reception, menu, ...... Then she said that "You guys doing the reading is one of the few things that is agreed on by all". You could see that she was really unhappy and my heart sunk at that point. So, my OH and I went out to the kitchen to get drinks. We agreed that we just had to bring mother's visit to the fore, even though it was probably going to cause more unease.

So, we went back into the sitting room and I explained what happened last Friday evening with his mother. I made it clear that whilst we are delighted to do the readings, we totally understand and respect their wish to keep their wedding service within their families, if they wish to do so. My friend and his fiancee both responded by saying that they have absolutely no wish for anyone else to do the readings. They want us to do it without question. He said that he should have warned me about his mother but he has had 1000 other things on his mind regarding this wedding. He said she had been trying to change tonnes of things and has even invited (forced him to send an invite) friends of hers that he has never met.

So, as I said before, the wedding was moved from the registry office to the church, after pressure from his mother and father-in-law to be. There are two RC priests in our town, one young and one very old. They chose to go with the younger priest, as they liked him more when they met him and he understood their position, i.e. not really active in the church. Initially, the mother was fine with this but she decided (uninvited) to come along to the meeting regarding the church with the priest and the church secretary. She knows both well. The mother was very pushy with a variety of topics, trying to force the priest and the secretary to side with her.

When the topic of the readings came up, my friend and his fiancee said that my OH and I were doing them. They said that we had selected the readings and they were happy with them. At that point, the mother piped up. She decided to raise the issue that neither my OH nor I are RC. My friend said that we are both Christians, practicing Christians and the priest said that he had no problem with that. The mother got a little hot and bothered by this and questioned whether or not the parish priest would find it acceptable. The priest was getting a little tired of the mother at this point and re-iterated that it is far from uncommon for non-RC to partake in wedding services. Last week, prior to visiting me, she actually brought this issue up with the parish priest and tried to force him to get the younger priest to side with her. The parish priest told the younger priest and he rang my friend to tell him about this. My friend never made his mother aware that he knew about her visit to the parish priest, as he thought that she would give up after the parish priest telling her to go away. Alas, she didn't and the visit last Friday was the next stage in her plan of action.

Anyway, my friend is going to speak to his mother about the situation. They went through some of the list of changes with the wedding and my heart really goes out to them. They have made far too many concessions in my mind but it isn't my wedding. Later on, my friend's fiancee and my OH were in the kitchen on their own and his fiancee was in tears over the whole thing. My friend doesn't know about this and my OH only told me about it when they had left. She said that it doesn't feel like her wedding at all. My OH asked her why she let her mother-in-law take such a big part in the wedding planning. My friend's fiancee told her that she asked her to leave the meeting at the church, when she was alone with her but the mother gave her a very snotty response claiming the she wouldn't know how to conduct herself in a church "given her family background" (That was a reference to her parents being divorced, which has always been a bit of an issue with her apparently).

My OH and I are delighted to be a part of their big day but slightly worried about what the mother will do next, if anything.

fits

Oh my...

Your friend, this woman's son, really needs to stand up to him. Reading this, now, I am so glad we didn't give in to pressure to have it in church. Have given FMIL two jobs and she can do what she likes with them.

LegacyUser

I feel for that couple, but I also feel that if they're ready to get married then they're ready to tell that horrible woman to butt out, with escalating firmness/decreasing tact.

Shrap

WeddingDilemma wrote: »

My friend never made his mother aware that he knew about her visit to the parish priest, as he thought that she would give up after the parish priest telling her to go away. Alas, she didn't ....

Oh dear oh dear. The poor things. This sentence speaks volumes though OP - not that your friend isn't supporting his fiancé - he clearly is trying to, but just that your friend does not see how low his mother will go. He must have seen her kick off over different events over the years a thousand times, but this time his fiancé is being made to feel not good enough for her own wedding. I know it's up to the fiancé to say to your friend what his mum said to her, but oh dear....this could all get much worse if he doesn't quickly tell his mother to put up and shut up, or she's not invited.

neris

your friend needs to tell his mother to back off and stay out of it and let them organise their day especially for his fiances sake and also as a boundary marker for future behaviour from the mother. This behaviour from his mother will continue in married life and especially if children are born in the future. My friend got married 2 years ago and the wedding/reception plan they had wanted was totally different from what actually happened on the day as her parents paid for the day and dictated what happened on the day and who sat where at the dinner which didnt go down well at all with my friends parents. This behaviour from her parents has followed them into married life to the point that when their car broke down and they needed a new one her father insisted on going out to pick cars for them and then he also had a say in the name they gave their new born baby earlier this year.

Neyite

The only one who can rein in the mother is the son. His fiancée is his family now and he needs to be firm enough to stand up to his mother.

There is a book I've heard is good - toxic parents by Susan Forward. He and his bride to be might find it helpful.

Toots

Have they paid deposits on anything that's non-refundable? I think if I were in their position I'd be very seriously considering eloping and telling nobody. If that's not an option, I wonder would it be possible for your friend and his fiancée to chat with the parish priest and ask could he have a word with the old bag about her interfering? What does his father make of all this? Honestly as horrible as it will most likely be, he needs to seriously lay down the law with his mother ie: "You butt out and stop interfering with our lives, or you're not coming to the wedding at all." He should absolutely tell her that he knows about all the sneaky crap she's been pulling, and once he's spoken to her, tell her absolutely NOTHING further about the wedding. Seriously, the only further info that woman needs will be contained in the invitation she'll receive (providing she behaves herself!)

Calhoun

Neyite wrote: »

The only one who can rein in the mother is the son. His fiancée is his family now and he needs to be firm enough to stand up to his mother.

There is a book I've heard is good - toxic parents by Susan Forward. He and his bride to be might find it helpful.

Totally this, your buddy is going to end up getting divorced in the future if he cant grow a spine.

If this is how bad it is now, i shudder to think what its going to be like when they have kids.

CaraMay

I would strongly recommend you tell your friend how upset his fiancée is. He needs to grow a pair and put some manners on his rogue mother.

The Princess Bride

WeddingDilemma wrote: »

After much pressure from his mother, who is very religious and his father-in-law to be also, they decided to "keep the peace", in his words and have a church wedding.

How ironic.
They've changed so many plans to "keep the peace", yet it is becoming a nightmare for the couple.

That mother is manipulative and unfortunately, they allowed themselves to be moulded from the first moment they changed their original plans, to accommodate her ideals.
People like this will always rule the roost, if their behaviour is tolerated.

A firm "No-we're doing it our way!" is warranted.Otherwise, she'll try to push her way through the front door without an invitation, after the wedding.

Little Acorn

My friend's fiancee told her that she asked her to leave the meeting at the church, when she was alone with her but the mother gave her a very snotty response claiming the she wouldn't know how to conduct herself in a church "given her family background" (That was a reference to her parents being divorced, which has always been a bit of an issue with her apparently).

That woman is nothing but a rotten horrible cowbag.

Does she speak to her future daughter in law like that when her son is present? They both really need to learn to stand up to her, and the future daughter in law really should have her fiance to back her up considering it's his mother. He shouldn't allow that type of behavior or let anyone speak to the woman he loves like that. Maybe he doesn't know about it?

I can picture her type I think. Probably full of airs and graces with people, and filling them with ****e about what the wedding is going to be like, anything to be boastful or showy about. Probably brags to her friends and gets her wanted attention and praise by living through her child/children's achievements because she's got nothing fcuking interesting about herself, which wouldn't be so bad if she didn't make her own son and his fiance miserable in the process. Selfish bitch.

I'd say the biggest mortification of her life would be being uninvited. What would she tell the neighbors and her friends! :rolleyes:
They should at least threaten her with being uninvited if she doesn't back off. Might make her finally butt out?

Maybe I'm being harsh and she's not as bad as what I'm picturing, she does sound that way from the posts though.....

If she approaches you again about the readings tell her that you've already spoken to your friend and that the matter is settled, and also that you don't want to hear it brought up ever again from her.

And considering one of your friends was in tears in your house, maybe ask your wife to encourage your friend to let her fiance know how miserable his mother is making her, and you could also offer some friendly advice to your friend about double checking the wedding arrangements but also about standing up for himself and his very unhappy fiance.

nicedryturf

If your buddy doesn't take a stand now this is only going to be the start of their problems - Christmas, baptisms etc. Weddings have an unerring ability to turn sour old busy bodies into Genghis Kahn-esque tyrants.

enda1

The problem with bullies is that if you give them an inch, they take a mile. They should never have accepted to move the wedding in the first place.

Toots

Calhoun wrote: »

Totally this, your buddy is going to end up getting divorced in the future if he cant grow a spine.

That's a really good point. How the friend handles this will set a precedent for how much the mother can interfere with other major events in their life.

I know some mother in laws can be interfering and unpleasant to be around, however it's not often that you'd encounter one who will behave with this level of sneakiness and malice. She sounds like the sort who'd rob the spare key to their house and use it to get a copy for herself, then just let herself in whenever they weren't home so she could snoop around the house and see what else she could meddle with.

I'm very lucky in that my mother in law is one of the nicest people you could meet, but I have a lot of friends who aren't so lucky, and I know in a couple of cases there have been occasions where this has put a lot of strain on the couple's relationship.

Personally if I were in the fiancee's shoes I'd be absolutely furious that he doesn't stand up to his mother. I can't imagine this behaviour is a new development, I'd imagine she's always been difficult, although if she has always been as bad as this it's a miracle the fiancee is still in the picture at all! There's a good chance that it will come to a point where, despite how much she loves the OP's friend, the fiancee may have to end things for the sake of her own sanity. Everyone has a breaking point.

ABajaninCork

If I were the fiancée, I'd be seriously reconsidering my relationship. Her fiancé needs to tell his mother in no uncertain terms to butt out and mind her own bloody business. She needs to be marrying a man, not a Mummy's Boy...

ABajaninCork

Oh - and I wouldn't hesitate in telling Mommy Dearest to fcuk right off and never darken my doorstep again if she doesn't fix up and behave herself. Don't wait for your old man to do it. I wouldn't have her at the wedding either. Can you imagine the havoc she would wreak?

Let her explain THAT away to her mates...

EDIT - Bloody typos. Need a new laptop...

deisemum

ABajaninCork wrote: »

If I were the fiancée, I'd be seriously reconsidering my relationship. Her fiancé needs to tell his mother in no uncertain terms to butt out and mind her own bloody business. She needs to be marrying a man, not a Mummy's Boy...

This 100%, their marriage is doomed unless he grows a spine. It's one thing for a mother to be interfering but this one is so devious and sly she takes it to a whole new level.

To be honest your friend doesn't sound as if he's mature enough to be getting married if he's too much of a wimp to stand up to his interfering mother and treat his fiancee with respect.

dudara

I've seen it somewhat in my own family where a father was getting too involved in the arrangements. He got told sharpish by the bride to "back the f*ck up". He was a bit stroppish for a while afterwards, but it was necessary to do it. It's the couple's wedding after all.

Your friend, the groom, needs to lay down the law with his mother. Clear, sharp, concise and give her no options to manouever. He has to be prepared to stick to this if she continues to test him. He cannot lay down the law now and then gradually start to concede again.

kylith

I think that your gf needs to have a word with the bride and tell her to tell the groom what she said about it not feeling like her wedding any more. The groom also needs to go one-on-one with his mother and everything he says needs to be an I statement, "I think you're too involved. I want you to back off. It doesn't feel like my wedding" because I know from experience that with Meddling Mammys any dissent coming from her son is seen to be him acting as a mouthpiece for his partner.

If he's going to have any chance of laying down the law then he needs to make sure that they're not taking a cent from his parents.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

Firstly, thanks for all your input on the thread. Just a quick update to let you all know that my friend called round last night and told us that we have to step aside on the readings. His mother told him and his wife to be, that she was not going to go to the wedding, if he did not change this and other aspects of the day. She claimed that the wedding would be an embarrassment to her and she would be the "talk of the town", for all the wrong reasons. He and his fiancee had a word with his mother about calling to my home but she took it very badly, claiming that the fiancee had turned her own son against her and nonsense like that.

As I said before we are happy to do whatever he and his fiancee asks but I have to be honest and say that my OH and I are actually really gutted about this now. We feel sorry for my friend and his OH. My OH has been in contact with my friends fiancee since the night of the football match last week (they exchanged numbers when my OH saw how upset she was) and she is at the point where she has given up on the whole day. Is there anything I/we can do to help them? Any ideas at all?

Big Bag of Chips

I would suggest that they call his mother's bluff and tell her "fine". Tell her they are disappointed that she feels she cannot stand by them and be a part of their day, but they respect her choice.

And then leave it at that.

I suspect though what will actually happen is that they will go along with everything she demands, be spectators at their own wedding and have her interfering in every aspect of their lives for as long as she's alive.

Mr. Incognito

What a horrible bint.

I would leave her at home and enjoy your day

Meauldsegosha

I feel so sorry for the fiancée because she is marrying a man that has absolutely no backbone. I could never marry someone like that as I would have no respect for them. If he doesn't stand up to his mother she will decide what they do for birthdays, Christmas, their children's christenings, schools etc as long as she is alive.

As BBoC said your friend should call her bluff. Your friend should be firm but polite and tell his mother that it is his and his fiancée wedding and they are doing things how they want if she doesn't want to be there on the day it's regrettable but that's her choice.

Raminahobbin

Jesus OP, what a horrible wagon! My heart goes out to the couple, especially your friends fiance

If it were me, I would step back from this and just let them make their own mistakes. There's really nothing you can do at this point, and I would think that too much pressure from you to make your friend stand up to his mother might backfire and he might get defensive towards you. It would be best at this point to just be there for him to vent to and offer some gentle guidance.

Of course, if it were me, before I adopted the above stance, I would have to take my friend aside and explain that I was going to say X once, and once only before I drop it- and then just lay out for him the issues people have raised on this thread, particularly those to do with his wife to be and her self-worth.

If he's going to take it on board he'll listen. If not, then you know and you can assume your role of supportive friend.