Have I just made a mess of this :(

LegacyUser

So, seeing a guy about 3 weeks (I know super short time)

We've been seeing each other a lot though and have met up 10 times although, during this time he was away for 6 days

Let me give some background....

The last guy I was seeing was a bit of a player, it wasn't serious but it last 2.5 years. He was basically using me and I adored him. I ended it maybe 4 months ago and was delighted when I met this new guy. He was sweet, attentive, normal & solid. However, given the extent of the previous guys behavior I have been finding it hard not to second guess the new guy although I've done fairly well up to this point.

We were meant to meet up and do the deed before he went away last week, not just to do that but we'd said we would. He cancelled due to being stuck in work and I forced myslf to give him the benefit of the doubt which was the correct thing to do I believe as he did make the effort to call in to me in work the next day before he headed off.

He didn't stay in touch so much when he was away which I didn't read in to too much but it irritated me that he said he'd call and he didn't - also he was away with the lads and not one photo showed up on his fb which I thought odd but I've been trying so hard not to judge him on the previous guys mistakes.

(sorry about the rambling)

So he got back on Weds night and I got a few texts but not as many as before and nothing substantial, heard nothing from him all day Thurs but we made plans to go out tonight. He called in to me at work for coffee yesterday and was all over me, we talked about tonight and how much we were both looking forward to it. All this said, he was calling less than he did before and seemed to be relying on texting more and more

So, then we confirmed arrangements this morning and then at 5 he text to say he was really sorry (used the word sorry 4 times) that he'd have to pull out due to work stuff and would call me later.

I replied and said "No worries, thanks for letting me know anyway"

I then called my best friend who agreed with me that it was unacceptable and the deep terror within me surrounding ever getting in to another situation like the previous one caused a terrible knee-jerk reaction where I told him that I only know him a short time and in that time he's cancelled twice and although it's possibly genuine it's not OK, I said I didn't want to make a song and dance about it but i hated that kind of messig and it haad been fun to meet him

He replied almost instantly with "OK, understood"

I think I was expecting him to fight for me and i felt so regretful but at the same time If I've learned anything it's to respect my boundaries. He has totally ruined my saturday night.

So, (because I'm a total loser) I replied and said "That message almost came too fast, look if your life ever gets less hectic give me a shout but I'm sensing a blow-off here"

He responded saying he was looking forward to tonight and my senses were incorrect.

I replied saying if you only know someone a short time accepting 2 cancellations is dangerous - message was read but no reply
Then I texted saying if I'd made a mistake then I was sorry and maybe it was a knee jerk, I asked him to call me if he wanted to chat but also said I'd understand if I heard no more. (read, no reply)

I guess I'm wondering if I was right to be suspicious or did I totally over analyse everything a ruin something with a really good guy.

I know I sent too many messages at the end, that's waaaaay out of character for me but I started off trying to make a point and respect my boundaries, I wrongly assumed he'd just learn a lesson and not treat me like that anymore.

Or maybe I was right not to trust him......

Ugh, I feel horrible

Tilly

There's not a lot more you can do now but hope he contacts you and understands your meltdown. If not, you'll have to pick yourself up and move on. I hope it works out for you x

Ann84

I think you should take a break from dating altogether...
You need to take more time for yourself as you are too nervous and overthinking things because you are still remembering all the hurt you felt and its still too fresh...

Forget this one, and take some time out until you feel more confident. I was like you after my ex, it took 2 years for me to be confident enough in the dating scene to know what I wanted and would be ok with.
Don't worry, it probably won't take 2 years, but 4 months is pretty quick too, wait until the nerves die down a bit, there is no rush!

Penny Tration

You sound as though you're taking your issues with the previous guy out on this new chap, tbh.

Doesn't sound like he's done anything wrong.

He saw you ten times in 3 weeks (well, in two weeks, as he was away for six days). He'd hardly see you that much if he didn't like you.

You say he's cancelled twice in three weeks, that it's not acceptable. But he's seen you ten times!

Reading into a lack of fb photos, and texts while he was away, and then deciding he was brushing you off because he had to cancel, along with all of the texts you sent him, is bonkers, to be honest. The first few months should be fun, not full of this intense, paranoid, reading into things behaviour.

You've apologised, and that's all you can do. Hopefully he'll give you another chance, but if not, try to be a bit more calm with the next guy, because this guy sounds like he did nothing wrong.

WittyName1

I think you completely over reacted. You say you've been on 10 dates in 3 weeks, and he was away for 6 days - so, 10 dates in 15 days. That's a LOT, so he was obviously into you!
Also, I think it's perfectly understandable that he couldn't make two more dates in that short time frame and had to cancel.
He gave you notice both times and didn't just stand you up. I'm not sure what else he could have done that you'd have been happy with?

Unfortunately your many texts towards the end will probably have scared him off for good - since he actually did nothing wrong. His "ok understand" message didn't warrant a tirade of additional texts.

I guess you should learn from this and just relax more next time and don't over analyse things looking for a different reason as to why he cancelled.
Also, your expectations that he should call a girl he knows only two weeks while he is abroad on a lads holiday is a bit much.

professore

Also not everyone puts the minutiae of their lives on Facebook!

Big Bag of Chips

I have to agree with those who have said in 2 weeks you met up with him 10 times, and then because he couldn't see you 2 evenings that you planned you throw a strop!

You might not have much on in work or college etc, but that doesn't mean everyone else has the luxury of being able to clock off at clocking off time.

While he was away he was enjoying himself on his holiday... That was booked long before you started seeing you. While he was away you were sitting at home waiting for him to come back. So you hadn't much to occupy yourself here, he was busy enjoying his holiday there.

Honestly? I think you were a bit clingy and intense. In 2 weeks he had seen you 10 times? Where was your own time for hanging out with your friends. And then when plans change... Which can often happen, you send him a passive aggressive message, hoping he'll take the hint and fight for you..? Risky move that backfired.

In future take it easy... And don't say something if you don't really mean it.

Meauldsegosha

If the guy posted here he would be told to forget about you because you are a head wrecker.

You completely overreacted. You have clear self esteem issues from your previous relationship. Maybe you should be single for a while to work on yourself instead of rushing into another relationship. 10 dates in two weeks is very intense.

shalalala

If he cancelled for another reason that wasn't work then I would agree with you but I really think you need to be single.

I was in a relationship for nearly three years with someone that was a liar and fairly manipulative. I have dated two guys since but the though of trusting them made me feel ill. So I finished it.

I have decided that I need to be alone for the foreseeable future so I can learn to trust my gut instinct again. This is possibly what you need to do.

Dont text him again. Leave it. He will move on and so will you but you just need to take your time.

dellas1979

If its a normal type, bog standard job, yes it could be a blow off.

I dont know...I mean, it is plausible that the type of work he does he has to do things last minute (dunno what he does but it is something on call?)

If its on call, I dont think there is anything he could do.

And if thats the case, thats what your life would be like, if things did go further "sorry have to cancel, Ive to go into/do work".

Maybe that type of relationship just doesnt/wouldnt suit you (the uncertainty). And its ok to realise that thats not what you want!

CaraMay

It was all going too fast and he has taken a step back. Is he definitely away with lads? This kind of hot and cold always leads me to believe there is a wife or gf in the background. I echo what others have said that you need to be alone to get over your issues from the previous relationship.

I think this guy is messing you around but that doesn't justify your overreaction. Take a step back and enjoy single life, then you won't be as desperate to get into a new relationship

IlmoNT4

I think you need some time out to rebuild your self esteem. 4 months is not a long time to get over a bad relationship. Maybe try some counselling but defiantly give yourself more time and space. You sound very stressed out.

tara73

from my point of view you did the right thing, it sounds like he got cold feet and is not that into you (as you seem to wish).

I think important is the detail you wrote in your opening post, that you agreed the next step would be to do the deed (which is a bit weird , from my point of view, to fix the time, but anyway) and you sure were a bit nervous about it, and I think it is a big reason why you reacted like you did after he cancelled for the second time.
were there not this plans been made for the next date, the cancellations might not have been that hurtful? am I right?

I also think you didn't overreact, his reaction after your texts doesn't seem as if he's too bothered about you finishing it, so I think you did the right thing. your gut is probably telling you and the gut is almost always right:)

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies.

Well I've heard nothing.

TBH, the 10 times we met were mostly 10 - 30 min coffee breaks during work, the two actual dates he cancelled were supposed to be proper actual dates - we've only had one of those.

My better instincts were screaming at me that this guy was playing me. I had a strong suspicion he lives at home with his parents (he claimed he bought his parents house from them) as both nights he cancelled we were supposed to go to his, he's been in mine several times but we've not been to his house and he went so far as to suggest going for a night away, also the one night that we did go out - we ended up in mine and he was adamant that he couldn't stay the whole night, not to have sex, just to stay....It's weird as I of all people would have understood it if he lived at home after a break-up

Anyway, having slept on it I think I possibly dodged a bullet, or maybe I did make a big mistake but inclined to agree with the other posters that I need to be single for a while and get in to a more trusting frame of mind.

Appreciate the feedback, thanks all

CaraMay

He is married / living with someone for sure.

fergie24

Sounds like he has something else going on in his life, wife, girlfriend, kids, living at home or maybe sleeps in the same room as his brother like the another thread from a few days ago.

skallywag

tara73 wrote: »

...I also think you didn't overreact, his reaction after your texts doesn't seem as if he's too bothered about you finishing it, so I think you did the right thing...

I would have to disagree with that. You can't reasonably expect the guy to react any differently once the OP has thrown such a strop.

WittyName1

skallywag wrote: »

I would have to disagree with that. You can't reasonably expect the guy to react any differently once the OP has thrown such a strop.

I would have to agree with skallywag too.
The guy has done nothing wrong and hasn't messed you around at all. He cancelled 2 out of 12 dates within 2 weeks. Totally acceptable and didn't warrant an over reaction.

Matteroffact

He could be scared of getting intimate with you, inexperienced etc. I feel if he was cancelling dates he should have bee suggesting other nights instead and if he was not doing this then it looks like he doesn't want to date you.