Went and Ruined my life

LegacyUser

I recently spent some time abroad backpacking in SE Asia and I met a woman, anyway we ended up spending quite a lot of time together and obviously were very intimate. I wore condoms each and every time and was very cautious about stds to the point that most of the time I'd even fill them with water to check after to check.

We made love around 40 times in the space of two weeks. We were really into each other and were self admitted "f**k buddies"' towards the end she declared her love for me, I didn't really love her and she is just not right and really I was more in lust with her. I came home afterwards and we were still in contact on Facebook, viber etc. she met a different guy and had a brief relationship with him and then they broke up and she was trying to get back with me.

Yesterday I learned she is pregnant and that apparently I am the father, I am really devastated and distraught as I don't want a kid least of all with her, she is bipolar also and I'm really worried. She has no financial motivation for any of this as she is like the 1-3% of rich people in her country and earns around €4k per month. She has two children previously from two different fathers one of which is half American half asian. She is 5 years older than me and I am wrecked and so saddened. I am actually probably in depression from the news now.

I have told no one yet except a close female friend who just turned the whole thing into a lecture about the evils of abortion. I want her to have an abortion but she is an evangelical Christian and won't go along. I am not ready to be a father, I have less than €5k in the bank, no job, no real education or anything going. I managed to scrape together enough from the dole and odd nixers to take the summer away from my already depressing life and now this happened to me. I wore condoms each time and checked them about 9 out of 10 times after.

I can't even look at my parents in the eye today, I feel like such a failure and a shame to them, my mother will go absolutely ballistic and disown me, my father I know will laugh and be all jokes and be like "that's my son" but I know deep down he will be hurt and disappointed when I'm not married and the biggest factor will be racism as she is not white and is older than me, apparently to have an older girl is shameful. I don't love this woman and we had a brief fling which has me driven to the end of my tether.

Like Ireland there is no abortion in her country and I'd have to get her to go overseas and I'd trade every single thing I own now to end this pregnancy I am so unprepared and unready and unwilling that this is eating me up and killing me.

I don't expect pity and I know this is a decisive subject and I've just really gone and messed up my entire life.

Tokyo

You need to sit down, take a breath, and work through this step by step. I feel for your situation in that you don't want to pursue a relationship with this person, but if what she says is true then you do still have responsibilities.

The first thing you need to do is to get a paternity test - at the moment you just have her word for it that she is pregnant, and that you are the father. While that may sound cynical on my part, you wouldn't be the first person to have been misled in this fashion, and seeing as it is somebody you don't know that well, I would suggest getting a paternity test from an independent lab that you can trust, rather than having to take her word for it that the results point towards you being the father.

If what she says turns out to be true, then you need to establish what your responsibilities are in terms of paying support further down the line, and establishing the level of guardianship you want over this child - this will more than likely involve talking to a solicitor, probably one in the woman's home country as the legal system there will apply to this situation.


Most of all, regardless of the outcome, you need support throughout all of this. You haven't ruined your life, as much as it may feel like that to you now. But it is a shock, there's no taking away from that. If you can't talk to your family straight away, try talking to a more understanding friend, one who will actually be there for you throughout this, and not just to read you the religious riot act regarding abortion and sex before marriage.

ilovecakes

mike_ie wrote: »

You need to sit down, take a breath, and work through this step by step. I feel for your situation in that you don't want to pursue a relationship with this person, but if what she says is true then you do still have responsibilities.

The first thing you need to do is to get a paternity test - at the moment you just have her word for it that she is pregnant, and that you are the father. While that may sound cynical on my part, you wouldn't be the first person to have been misled in this fashion, and seeing as it is somebody you don't know that well, I would suggest getting a paternity test from an independent lab that you can trust, rather than having to take her word for it that the results point towards you being the father.

If what she says turns out to be true, then you need to establish what your responsibilities are in terms of paying support further down the line, and establishing the level of guardianship you want over this child - this will more than likely involve talking to a solicitor, probably one in the woman's home country as the legal system there will apply to this situation.


Most of all, regardless of the outcome, you need support throughout all of this. You haven't ruined your life, as much as it may feel like that to you now. But it is a shock, there's no taking away from that. If you can't talk to your family straight away, try talking to a more understanding friend, one who will actually be there for you throughout this, and not just to read you the religious riot act regarding abortion and sex before marriage.

This!!! You need to be sure you actually are the father. You mentioned she was in a relationship with someone else after you, and that while you were together you were very careful, so realistically do you actually think there is a chance you are the father?

LegacyUser

If you wore condoms every time and checked that everything was ok afterwards then how can you be sure you are the Dad? You mention she had a brief fling with somebody else after you, maybe he is the dad ? Now that he has left, she is trying to get back with you.
You need to get a paternity test before jumping to any conclusions? How many weeks pregnant is she? Did she send you any scans ? Don't pressure her into having an abortion, that's her decision.

dellas1979

Woah OP. You cant think ahead like that, until you get some facts.

Any occasions where the condom broke? (If you are that conscious (and rightly so) about STDs Im sure youd remember).

There is always a risk of pregnancy (very reduced) even without a condom breaking. But the risk is huge if a condom did break.

The bottom line is you dont know if its yours. Like, what are time lines between you sleeping with her, stopping, her meeting the other guy, and how many weeks/months is she pregnant? What evidence do you have she is pregnant?

In any case, it would also be worth getting yourself checked for STDs.

I hope this is ok: Ill start the timeline for you. You were with her for 2 weeks (and I assume she didnt have her period). So, (for want of a better expression) if she had a bog standard period cycle, she either had her period the week before or was due the week after. A pregnancy is counted from the first day of her last period.

Mr. Loverman

I live in China and have spent a lot of time in the surrounding countries.

This "I'm pregnant" thing is very common here. She may not even be pregnant. I doubt you are the father if she is.

This won't make you feel better, but two girls claimed I got them pregnant. On both occasions I told them I will support them and to have the baby. On both occasions it turned out they were lying.

This has happened to some of my friends too.

My feeling on this one is she probably is pregnant but you're not the father. As you said, she has admitted to sleeping with other men.

Can you tell me which country?

LegacyUser

She is Filipina and I met her out there when I was in the country this summer. I had planned to backpack Vietnam & Laos but ended up there instead having become friends with a filipina carer-nurse caring for our elderly neighbour and decided to visit her homeland to see if they were all as friendly as her.

I am aware of the scams as I spent time around Asian countries a few years ago also and heard a few horror stories from primarily English expats there. She has no financial motivation at all for this and even wants to book my ticket to go over there ASAP.

The other foreigner she was with is leaving this weekend and I really am in a mess because I can't trust her but I can't trust myself either in that I feel I have to give the benefit of doubt just encase. She showed me a pregnancy test on Skype but the cynic in me says it could be something she kept from her pregnancy 2 or 3 years ago when she was with an American guy who subsequently got sick of her drama and left, she is bi-polar and it was the greatest mistake of my life to ever get between the sheets with her.

Rubberchikken

You haven't ruined your life.
For starters you don't know for a fact that she's pregnant and you don't know for a fact that you're the father if she is.

So you need to be calm and find out if what she's saying is true.

Yarf Yarf

Yeah, I wouldn't jump to any conclusions here until there are some facts. Not to sound cynical, but you say she has been trying to get back with you, she said she's in love with you, you say yourself she's "bipolar". Is there any chance this could be an elaborate way to keep you in her life? You say you were careful. What about this guy she was seeing after you? If she is indeed pregnant, it might be more likely that he is in fact the father.

Tokyo

Scared+ashamed wrote: »

I recently spent some time abroad backpacking in SE Asia and I met a woman, anyway we ended up spending quite a lot of time together and obviously were very intimate.

Scared+ashamed wrote: »

The other foreigner she was with is leaving this weekend...

Scared+ashamed wrote: »

Yesterday I learned she is pregnant

This definitely warrants further investigation OP...

If you do go over there, do so to set the story straight. Arrange for a pregnancy test from a reputable medical centre, if it's positive then make arrangements for a paternity test as soon as the possibility for one arises. At this stage it really is the only way to be sure of what your situation is.

eyescreamcone

Tabs101 wrote: »

Don't pressure her into having an abortion, that's her decision.

Why not?
I see nothing wrong with the father encouraging the mother to abort...especially in a case like this.

Tokyo

I'd like to remind posters that requesting PM or other chat exchanges with the OP is strictly against the forum charter. This is something that we take very seriously, and will result in infractions being handed out, with repeat offenders being banned from PI.

Regards,
Mike

Kidchameleon

Assuming none of the condoms broke, this sounds like a ruse to get you back OP. If she is pregnant, a paternity test is in order. These can be done during pregnancy (with a small risk to the child) or after birth (with no risk). But from the information you have provided, it looks like she is lying. These kind of lies should be jailable offenses no matter what country she is from.

gladrags

Honestly, the only advice I can think of is that, there are other individuals in much worse situations than you.

We learn by our experiences,I am sure you will too.

LegacyUser

I call bs on her story op. And if she is pregnant so what? She's half the world away, whats she going to do? Cut contact and forget about her.

Mickey Dazzler

Filipina women are pretty notorious for this kind of thing. I work with a lot of filipinas and see this stuff all the time. You need to take a firm hand. Tell her you don't believe her. Tell her to have the kid and then you'll do paternity test. If you turn out to be the father (doubtful) you'll take responsibility but until that point you don't want to know.

Once she sees you stand up for yourself you won't hear from her again.

indigo twist

I would disregard the positive pregnancy test. It could have been faked. It could have been borrowed from a friend. For that matter, it could have been an ovulation test (I recently discovered that these are practically identical to pregnancy tests, and can appear "positive" any time of the month.) It doesn't prove she's pregnant - and it certainly doesn't prove that you're the father.

What I would do is tell her you're not interested in any communication with her between now and when the baby is born (assuming she decides to go through with the pregnancy.) Tell her that when the baby is born, you will arrange a paternity test - and I think the best idea would be to do this at your own expense; that way you can choose the provider and have a copy of the results sent straight to you. Tell her that, if the baby is yours, you will contribute financially to its upbringing - but make it clear that, whatever the outcome (and even if you are the father), you have no interest in a relationship with her, either now or in the future.

Basically you're calling her bluff. I can't see her agreeing to an independent paternity test.

Every form of contraception has a small chance of failure, but condoms (when used properly) are really high up there in terms of effectiveness - you sometimes see lower effectiveness rates quoted for them, but this is to account for the fact that they're not always used correctly. It sounds like you were very careful. It would be extremely unlucky for the condom to have failed within the small timeframe of the month within which she could get pregnant.

It's very telling that she was trying to get back with you just before she announced this "pregnancy". It might help a lot of you gave us an exact timeline of how many weeks she was with you, how long later was she with the other fella (the one you know about), and how far along in the pregnancy she claims she is. This might help rule out the possibility of you being the father.

By the way, don't overthink the idea of your parents being disappointed in you. If you think they'd be supportive of you, talk to them, but if not, I don't think there's any reason to tell them until perhaps if you got a positive paternity test.

However I'm doubtful it'll come to that. I imagine that, once you make it clear that you're not interested in a relationship with her even if you're the child's father, the "problem" will disappear.

If she is indeed pregnant, and ends up doing the pregnancy test, you need to accept that it'll be several months until you know for sure that you're not the father. However I don't see any need to be in communication with her during this time.

I do think it would be fair that, if she ends up choosing an abortion, you would offer to help out financially with that. As you said, she has no reason to be financially motivated - so that's not why she's doing this.

In the meantime, minimise communication - and no more Skype, keep it all to e-mail, so that you have a trail there just in case you might ever need it in the future.

Please remember that you have nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about. You had consensual sex with another unattached adult, taking the proper precautions. Even if it does end up that you are the father, you have done nothing wrong. And your life is far from ruined.

I hope it all works out for you!

LegacyUser

Even if she is pregnant and has the child, in reality what are you going to do? She is in the Phillipines and you are in Ireland and you have no money anyway. So it looks like you wouldn't have the means to have a relationship with the child anyway or help with financial support.

And if you feel so strongly about it you are better of walking away instead of being a reluctant father who will spend the rest of his life punishing this woman and her child for not having an abortion.

Also how are you going to do a dna test in different countries? Silly idea and it wont work.

lukesmom

I think your going overboard saying you've ruined your life. And if she's as rich as you say she is then I wouldn't say she's lying about the possibility of you bring the childs father. How does being a father equate with you ruining your life??!?

ABajaninCork

Sorry, but did I miss something? Where does it say the girl in question is Filipina??

Nationality has nothing to do with the OP's problem. ANY girl of ANY nationality can pull this kind of stroke (for that's what I think it is). Wasn't there a recent thread where an Irish couple nearly got taken with something similar??

I'm with the others, OP. Calm down, slow down and think through what you need to do. Get proof the pregnancy AND the child exists. Get an independent paternity test. Take it from there. FWIW, I think from the time you mention paternity test, it'd put a stop to her gallop...

ABajaninCork

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Sorry, but did I miss something? Where does it say the girl in question is Filipina??

Post number 7 - first sentence.

ABajaninCork

Thanks for that. I just read that post...

CaraMay

Tell her that once the baby is born you'll be asking her for some of his / her hair do you can have a DNA test done and if it's positive you'll talk to her then.

ABajaninCork

CaraMay wrote: »

Tell her that once the baby is born you'll be asking her for some of his / her hair do you can have a DNA test done and if it's positive you'll talk to her then.

How will the OP know if the lock of hair belongs to the baby? She'll probably send a lock of her other child's hair!!

The only way to find out for sure is if she either brings the child here to be tested or he goes there for it. The OP needs to know. Either way, although expensive, it'll be cheap at half the price...

mdebets

ABajaninCork wrote: »

How will the OP know if the lock of hair belongs to the baby? She'll probably send a lock of her other child's hair!!

The only way to find out for sure is if she either brings the child here to be tested or he goes there for it. The OP needs to know. Either way, although expensive, it'll be cheap at half the price...

Unless the OP has fathered other children while there on holidays, this is no problem for the OP. If she passes on hair from another child, it will definitely come back as a negative paternity test.

CaraMay

ABajaninCork wrote: »

How will the OP know if the lock of hair belongs to the baby? She'll probably send a lock of her other child's hair!!

...

And how with that benefit her? You are normal on the ball ABajaninCork so I won't slag you about having a blonde day

ABajaninCork

CaraMay wrote: »

And how with that benefit her? You are normal on the ball ABajaninCork so I won't slag you about having a blonde day

No - especially as blonde hair on someone like me would be called ghetto fabulous darling!

AndonHandon

Bipolar people are unable to function normally all the time OP. For this reason, together with the facts you have presented, I doubt that she is even pregnant. Cut all contact with her as she could be dangerous.

we'llallhavetea

i would calm down, its probably horse sh!t. i personally would just say you don't want to speak to her or hear from her until the child is born and then you will want a dna test. block her, ignore her until she has this baby (which i highly doubt will happen) she'll soon quit if you do not give her what she wants, you.

up for anything

I'm wondering what she would want from a poor Irish man? A visa perhaps. However, if she is earning 4K a month in the Philippines as you say she is indeed very wealthy and is not looking for money from you. Maybe she is on the level and is pregnant and is pretty sure it is your child. Would that be so hard to believe?

shruikan2553

up for anything wrote: »

I'm wondering what she would want from a poor Irish man? A visa perhaps. However, if she is earning 4K a month in the Philippines as you say she is indeed very wealthy and is not looking for money from you. Maybe she is on the level and is pregnant and is pretty sure it is your child. Would that be so hard to believe?

She could just want a relationship with with. Many men have been told a girl is pregnant when they want to break up.

Lalealea

Ascertain whether or not she is actually pregnant. Then after 14 weeks you can do a prenatal paternity test. Then when the baby is born do another paternity test. Infact do two.

Don't give her any money not a cent until the results of that test. You choose the Doctor and centre and make sure that they are reputable.

The thing is the scam might not be she is pretending to be pregnant with your child it might be that she got pregnant with your child on purpose.

She has obviously done this before. You say she has two children by other men one an American. I would wager she gets financial compensation from at least one of those men.

It might be a visa she wants. Or just to trap you.

Or she could just have been really stupid and this happened.

Flippyfloppy

I think someone mentioned up thread paternity tests can be risky for unborn children. Just to note.

Oryx

Don't go back over. I think that's what this is all about. Getting you back on her turf. She sounds a bit fixated on you. If she isn't pregnant she would probably try to be as soon as you are back there.

There is no panic here. Take time to calm down and think. You need a lot more confirmation of facts before you have to do a thing.

dissed doc

Lalealea wrote: »

She has obviously done this before. You say she has two children by other men one an American. I would wager she gets financial compensation from at least one of those men.

It might be a visa she wants. Or just to trap you.

Or she could just have been really stupid and this happened.

The income she has could easily be payments for child support from two other fathers. If she already has two kids with two separate fathers, it is unlikely IMHO that the OP is some magical prince she wants to have a relationship with, other than one in which he sends her money every month from Ireland.

m'lady

Didn't the OP say that she'd been with another guy after him? What's to say that this other fella isn't the father (if she's pregnant)?

I still can't see how she'd benefit by this if she's as wealthy as the OP has suggested, maybe that also isn't true?

stargazer 68

m'lady wrote: »

I still can't see how she'd benefit by this if she's as wealthy as the OP has suggested, maybe that also isn't true?

I know Im going to word this wrong so apologies - no offence meant. But the money quite often isn't the issue. It's the 'kudos' of having a 'white' man and having him come to visit the baby and your family and neighbours seeing it.

m'lady

Dovies wrote: »

I know Im going to word this wrong so apologies - no offence meant. But the money quite often isn't the issue. It's the 'kudos' of having a 'white' man and having him come to visit the baby and your family and neighbours seeing it.

Yes I understand that, and agree to a certain extent. However what I mean is what would she have to gain from lying about being pregnant if she is as wealthy as the OP has said and he hadn't got much money.. Then again maybe she isn't aware of his financial circumstances

Dial Hard

m'lady wrote: »

However what I mean is what would she have to gain from lying about being pregnant if she is as wealthy as the OP has said and he hadn't got much money.

The OP only has her word that she's as wealthy as she claims, and he's known her a grand total of two weeks. Personally, I'd be taking anything that comes out of this woman's mouth with a grain of salt until I could verify it independently.

I also wouldn't assume that she understands how little money he actually has. It's very common for people in developing economies to assume that all Western visitors are absolutely loaded, simply by virtue of the fact that they could afford to visit.

Anyway, OP, you've been given reams of good advice on this thread - calm down, tell your parents nothing yet, and engage no further with this woman until the baby is born and paternity can be established.

LegacyUser

Mickey Dazzler wrote: »

Filipina women are pretty notorious for this kind of thing. I work with a lot of filipinas and see this stuff all the time. You need to take a firm hand. Tell her you don't believe her. Tell her to have the kid and then you'll do paternity test. If you turn out to be the father (doubtful) you'll take responsibility but until that point you don't want to know.

Once she sees you stand up for yourself you won't hear from her again.

There is also a considerable history of white men travelling to exotic places like south east Asia, Vietnam, the British in India, the US soldiers in Britain during WW2, conceiving children with foreign women and leaving.

OP can take all the advice here based on suspicion, but if that suspicion is wrong, that is a really bad foot to start out on and there will be a lot of humble pie to eat, that is if he chooses to be involved which is highly unlikely and from abroad she can't sue for child support, so OP you are scott free either way.

But you will be haunted.

AndonHandon

theotherhand wrote: »

There is also a considerable history of white men travelling to exotic places like south east Asia, Vietnam, the British in India, the US soldiers in Britain during WW2, conceiving children with foreign women and leaving.

OP can take all the advice here based on suspicion, but if that suspicion is wrong, that is a really bad foot to start out on and there will be a lot of humble pie to eat, that is if he chooses to be involved which is highly unlikely and from abroad she can't sue for child support, so OP you are scott free either way.

But you will be haunted.

You're assuming.

LegacyUser

I just remembered how I never updated this thread. Back in October at the time I decided to block this woman as I had managed to do enough investigating from here to determine she was unlikely to be pregnant. I decided to dangle money and immediately offered to send her €1,000 for expenses, understandably she agreed to this idea.

I got her to send me all her medical requirements and some receipts as I bluffed her of how my Irish medical insurance would pay for her expenses as I'd add her on as my partner. I had my smoking gun, the medicine she was taking for Cholesterol would actually kill a foetus. She still insisted she was pregnant but I knew it was lies. Facebook pictures of her over the next few months were more confirmation as she remained as slim and beautiful as ever. I got her cousin who hates her to dish the dirt also. Her ultrasounds I discovered were from her earlier pregnancies when I enhanced the deliberately vague photo she sent me through Photoshop and discovered the date on the corner of it.

It drove me to the pits of despair because whilst I knew it was most likely lies but until I had definitive proof I was upset and felt bad. Now I know (well since November effectively) and I recently made contact with her again, I don't think I could forgive her very easily and I don't think I will meet her again because she is very seductive and I know if I do meet her I could end up falling for her again.

I want to thank everyone for their words of encouragement and sound advice, it helped me at a time when I couldn't talk to anyone, the whole incident put so much stress on me that I blame it for the appearance of multiple grey patches of hair in my head.

Kidchameleon

Fair play OP, what did she say when you contacted her?

ABajaninCork

Thought so....

Just keep far and away from her now no matter how seductive she might be. Think with a different part of your anatomy now!!!!

Good luck!

Stavro Mueller

Scared+ashamed wrote: »

Now I know (well since November effectively) and I recently made contact with her again, I don't think I could forgive her very easily and I don't think I will meet her again because she is very seductive and I know if I do meet her I could end up falling for her again.

All was going well in this post until I got to this bit. Why oh why oh why did you instigate contact with her? After everything she did to you? You know what she's like now. You sound like a man who sticks his arm into a lion's cage to give his mane a rub, then barely escapes with the arm intact when the lion attacks. Yet he comes back again, sticks the arm in through the bar of the cage...

In plain English, get out of there. Avoid, avoid, avoid. Be sensible .

bjork

Glad to hear you got sorted OP.

I agree with Stavro > Don't bother contracting her at all again, you are setting yourself up for failure


Also from your OP. Going out with an older woman is not shameful!?!. Back in your parents day is was practically the norm to have a lot bigger age gaps than we see today.

Stavro Mueller

OP, if you come back to update this thread again I'd love to know why you think it's a good idea to keep in contact with this woman?

You sound like someone who was and is somewhat fragile. I could be totally wrong of course because all I have to go on are a handful of posts. Really what I'm trying to say is that you owe it to yourself and to your mental health to stay well away from this woman. She obviously has some sort of hold over you and I'm not sure why. You should be asking yourself that question. Is it low self-esteem? Loneliness? Fear of never having a girlfriend? Or pure and simple lust. If it's the latter, you should tattoo your entire first post onto your hand and read it daily.

The only reason this woman's in touch with you is because she sees you as a soft touch. She obviously thought you were in the first place because she very nearly cleaned you out financially and caused you a lot of heartache and stress over her lies. Someone who's capable of pulling a stunt like what she did should be avoided like the Ebola virus. She only tripped herself up on this occasion because you were a bit smarter than she was. You might not be so lucky second time round. If she had any decency in herself at all she'd have slunk away with her tail between her legs and gone back to doing what she should be doing. Being a decent mother to her kids, not sh@gging a random backpacker toyboy and plotting to take his money. Also, you dragged her cousin into the mess. It doesn't matter if the cousin hates her or not. You got family involved. Going anywhere near here again is nothing short of pure madness.

If you have any sense at all, you need to cut all contact with her and get on with your own life. There's a whole wide world out there to travel and see if that's what you want. You're a young man with your whole life ahead of you. Don't get sucked in by vampires such as this woman.

catonthewire

AndonHandon wrote: »

Bipolar people are unable to function normally all the time OP. For this reason, together with the facts you have presented, I doubt that she is even pregnant. Cut all contact with her as she could be dangerous.

With respect this is simply not true...
Bipolar people who manage their illness, live a healthy lifestyle and take medication are able to function normally..



OP...

Was extremely relieved that you came back to update, this was a messy situation you found yourself in...
Learn from all this , and next time you're travelling be more careful ....
Glad it's over for you....

Tokyo

Seeing as the OP hasn't returned for more advice, but rather to say thanks for advice given in the past, we can mark this one as closed I think.