Anger at fiance who died

LegacyUser

I'm having a bit of a problem. I was with somebody who I loved very much, but he died in a car accident over 8 months ago. It broke my heart, but, for a while, I thought I was coming to terms with it all to an extent.

But, in the last while, he is in my thoughts all the time, and I am so angry with him. I know it's not logical or fair, but I keep thinking of the great times we had together and the fact that I'll never have that with him again. Every memory I have of us is tainted because I know it's never going to happen again and I hate that I had something so perfect and, instead of it being a memory we can share together, it's a memory of what I have lost. I'm dreaming of him now again, and I wake up feeling like when I heard he died.

I don't know why this is hitting me so hard again in the last while, or why I'm translating whatever it is I'm feeling into anger, but I guess I have to feel something other than hurt at this point.

I'm really having trouble with this. I didn't expect it to start getting harder all over again.

CaraMay

Im so sorry for your loss op. I can't imagine how heartbreaking that has been for you.

Grief isn't rational and you can't control it. I've found that you think you have a grasp on it and then it comes back to hit you over the head with a brick... Sorry I can't be more positive but that's the reality.

The anger is very normal. Of course it's not logical but I'm sure you can't help thinking 'if only he had been somewhere else' etc etc etc.

Have you tried counselling?

Mr. Incognito

You need to seek some grief counselling. Anger at the deceased is misplaced frustration.

Sorry for your loss

CaliforniaDream

You're still going through all the emotions.
All yourself to grieve and don't feel bad for it. We all know time is a great healer but until then, feel what you feel.
Surround yourself with friends and family and share stories of him. You can laugh and smile at all the good times you had together even though you may not see that right now.

There's no standard path for grief.

ABajaninCork

OP - I am so very sorry for your loss. They say that anger is an easier emotion to deal with than grief.

For your sake, I really do hope you can find a decent grief counsellor.

I hope you soon find peace.

Lalealynn

I am very very sorry.

I think anger perhaps is your bodies way of easing your distress. And by this I mean I imagine that when it happened it hit you like a ton of bricks and maybe there was a bit of a depressed state after along with grief. Anger is the get up and go energy. Action.

Misdirected anger at the unfairness of it I would think is quite common.

I would definitely recommend couseling.
There is
www. bereavementirelandcom or console.ie or abate counselling.

I think when we feel powerless it turns to anger.

There are stages ...depression and sheer exhaustion..bargaining (trying to think what could have been done)..denial and numbness....and anger

Perhaps you feel abandoned. But you are not alone.

Anger is the kicking feeling..it hammers through numbness and is easy to identify.

The person who died: why didn’t they take better care of themselves? Why didn’t they ask for help? Why did they take such a stupid chance? What were they thinking?

The medical community: why didn’t the doctors notice something was wrong? Why didn’t the paramedics get there sooner? Why hasn’t someone discovered a cure for cancer, etc.?

Anger can be useful, but when turned inward, is more likely referred to as depression. That’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about white-hot, body-shaking, screaming-at-the-top-of-your-lungs anger.

It's like a huge thousand buckets of emotion maybe?



If you need to say **** everything and punch a pillow go do it. If you need to cry go do it. Maybe anger helps process all the other emotions through the body.



It's the action emotion ...you can get a lot done with it. It's your fire. It's warmer than sadness ...white hot maybe...and you have the right to express it. It festers otherwise.

You’re angry because of the pain that your fiancés death has caused. That’s, dare I say it, normal. You have been hurt deeply through no fault of your own. And I am very sorry. And I send you all my love.

HUGS OP xx

LegacyUser

Thanks guys. I'm actually touched by all your messages so quickly after I originally posted.

I haven't had counselling, and I didn't think I would need to. After that happened, I suppose I just figured I'd never get over it, but that maybe I would move on or something in the future. I thought I was stronger.

One of the things I did was to move out of the country with work, and I think this is what's actually making it worse, because everything I see I want to share with him, and I have too much free time now. When I was with him there wasn't enough free time in the world.

What would grief counselling entail? I'm not great at seeking help, and even this post is not easy for me.

GreeBo

Op 8 months is still very soon, don't be hard on yourself, anger, frustration etc are all normal.

Expect to feel bitter when/if you hear of others surviving car crashes etc. It's all normal and part of grieving, go talk to someone so you can at least vent.

Semele

OP pleas have a look at Cruse, the bereavement charity http://www.cruse.org.uk.

They are absolute experts in what you're going through and will be able to advise on your options if you feel you aren't coping so well now. They also provide a phone line for those times when you just need to talk.

Grief counselling is different to other types of therapy in that its function is mainly to be supportive, and doesn't go into very personal or historical issues unless you want to. It will be a place for you to talk about your feelings to someone who has a lot of experience of hearing others in similar situations and who will be able to normalise and help you process what you're experiencing.

The reason grief counselling is a separate branch to other therapy is that grief, although awful, is a natural process. There are more and less helpful ways of dealing with it, and grief counselling can help you find what's best for you...but your feelings are not pathological or unusual. You can't make it go away with therapy, nor should you. It's a process that you have to go through, and there is no shame in seeking professional support as you do so. A lot of people find that they manage ok for a while, and then when they and everyone around them think they are getting over it, they start to feel worse. You can keep feelings at bay for a while, years in some case (your move may have been a big factor in distracting you), but they will come out and demand to be dealt with.

I hope you can find help, OP. Cruse would be the best place to begin.

Merkin

You poor thing, your pain is just unimaginable. Grief is so complex and personal although I do firmly subscribe to the belief that it does present itself in stages and what you are going through is perfectly normal and healthy. Please don't give yourself a hard time over feeling this way, anger manifests itself in many different ways and it's common to feel furious with a loved one for having left you.

http://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/

Is there anyone you can talk to about his you are feeling? If you feel unable to cope or extricate yourself from disturbing thought processes then bereavement counselling could help you enormously.

Remember that eight months was only a blink of an eye ago so please go easy on yourself xx

Lalealynn

OffAwayThanks guys. I'm actually touched by all your messages so quickly after I originally posted.

I haven't had counselling, and I didn't think I would need to. After that happened, I suppose I just figured I'd never get over it, but that maybe I would move on or something in the future. I thought I was stronger.

One of the things I did was to move out of the country with work, and I think this is what's actually making it worse, because everything I see I want to share with him, and I have too much free time now. When I was with him there wasn't enough free time in the world.

What would grief counselling entail? I'm not great at seeking help, and even this post is not easy for me.

Well then I would like to thank you for making it. Thank you for trusting the world enough to post it. Thank you.

I think you are very very strong. I know perhaps people saying that is frustrating because maybe you feel that means they are not understanding the immensity of what you feel or force of the emotional disorientation.

I think grief counseling can be tailored to you. But I think its meant to be a framework of support. There is a distinction between grief counseling and grief therapy Counseling involves helping people move through uncomplicated, or normal, grief to health and resolution. Grief therapy involves the use of clinical tools for traumatic or complicated grief reactions. It's also meant to help protect you from damage of grief.

And of course you have those around you for support too.

8 months is not long. It must be very very raw. Be kind you yourself and seek people who want to help ease your distress.

I hope you have support around you.

xx

LegacyUser

Thanks again you guys, for your messages - and your real logic. I don't think that's the best way to express it, but what you have said makes a lot of sense and reading it helped. I really appreciate it.

I guess I may need more time. I wish it could get better faster - and, of everything I felt, the anger feels really weird. I think that, if he came back, the first thing I'd do is yell at at him for leaving me in the first place! The fecker.

I think we can close this thread now. Thanks.

Tokyo

Closed at op's request.