Found the guy....

LegacyUser

Just to warn you before you read on.... I have not censored this story and some of the detail is very graphic.

So yesterday, I was scrolling through my facebook page and some baby pictures popped up from a photographer that I follow... When I saw the man in the pics my heart nearly stopped.
I through a tag on the photos I was able to go on his page and make 100% sure it was the person I thought it was and turns out... It was the guy.

A few (good few) years ago, my friends and I went away for my birthday. We met up with a stag party and they were great fun. I got quite friendly with one of the guys and he hung out with us most of the night. As the night went on and it seemed more and more like he was going to come home with me I told him that we were staying in my friend's aunt's house and nothing was going to happen. This, I suppose, was a cover for me having my period without actually telling him up front.
He insisted that he would come back and for me not to worry about it being my friend's aunt's house.
I told him that while this was a problem, I then informed him that I was on my period so nothing would be happening.... which he didn't seem to mind. So... off we went back to the house.

Skipping ahead to the bedroom, we snuggled and kissed and then eventually fell asleep (we were both pretty drunk).
I was using a tampon and had changed it before going to bed as I didn't want to stick on a pad if a guy was guna be spooning!

The next thing I know, he's kissing me, and having sex with me. It woke me up. I was in such a sleepy drunken stupor that I thought, oh I must have taken the tampon out if he is having sex with me. The other thing I felt was a lump on his penis... which I knew wasn't the norm.
While it had annoyed me that he was having his way after me telling him that I was on my period, it wasn't until the next day that it annoyed me even more..... when I went to the bathroom (after he had left) and to my absolute horror... felt my tampon INSIDE ME... WAAAAAYYYY UP inside me.

Panicking, I went and told my best friend what had happened and she told me to try and calm down which might make it easier for me to retrieve the tampon. I was in the bathroom for at least 1/2 an hour if not 45 mins with my fingers in as far as they could go to try and pull the tampon out. I was absolutely freaking out.
All I knew about the guy was his first name and the town he was from... long before the days of Facebook and searching/creeping on someone!

So while it was a traumatic experience, I eventually got over it... until I actually got lumps around MY genitals which I could only attribute to him.
I was treated for the warts but not for the disgust/shock/trauma of what had happened.

It enrages me to think about it. He had sex with me when I was asleep. He HAD to have felt the tampon but kept going and he had to have known that the lump on his penis wasn't normal.

So this is my dilemma. What do I do? He is now married with a new baby. Do I have a right to do/say anything? I have photos from that night and it's very easy to see that it is the same guy... he is posing the same way in the photos on his Facebook.

In recent times I have had problems with my cervix and have been treated for bleeding/discomfort and had problematic cells lasered away. I keep going back to this night in my mind.. did the tampon cause damage when it had been pushed so far up inside me? I regret not going to the doc then but I was young and embarrassed... I didn't want the shameful look from the doctor even though it could have been a very sympathetic ear.

Please please help advise me on what I should do.... All the feelings have risen up again, the anger, the embarrassment, feeling 'dirty' and now that I have a link to him, I can't let it go.

Neyite

For the medical side of things, I would suggest that you print off your post and ask those questions, as they cant be answered here.

Emotionally - he had sex with you, unprotected, and without consent. It might help to talk to someone in the Rape Crisis Centre.

skallywag

I can fully understand your present state of mind OP, and I am afraid I cannot offer you too much by the way of advice apart from taking a little time to let things settle, it's clearly very raw right now at the moment.

I would imagine that you could be fully entitled to pursue this, even up to having the guy officially charged, etc. The question is do you really want to do this though, or is it easier for you just to let it slide. I'm certainly not trying to belittle what happened in any way, I'm just saying that it will be could be a long and painful road to travel if you did decide to have him charged, even though he is the one completely in the wrong.

At the end of the day only you will be able to decide which is easier for you to live with.

Good luck whatever you decide.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

Oryx

You need to talk first to a doctor. They will be the only one qualified to address your medical fears and queries.

Then I suggest you talk to the Rape Crisis Centre as suggested. Additional help should come from there. It is up to you to decide whether to approach the gardai on this one, but if you feel strongly about it, you probably should. Though be aware that if you didnt report it or talk about it at the time, and you have no real evidence, taking a case against this man will be a difficult ordeal, if it is possible at all.

The most important thing is to get your head in a better place. Start with your doctor.

Rubberchikken

i agree with the other posters. talk to your doctor first.
what he did doesn't seem right, but your response at the time seems far less than it is now.

think long and hard about this and definitely discuss things with a doctor and or the rape crisis centre.

good luck

LegacyUser

Contact the Rape Crisis Centre and/or seek out private counselling. Having sex with someone who is asleep (and therefore cannot give consent) is sexual assault.

There is no time line for you to deal with your emotions around this. I have been in a similar situation and while it can be difficult to process, you can get through it. In my case, I was assaulted while asleep by a friend. I was too afraid to do anything at the time. Taking the proper steps to get the help you need is important. Counselling was incredibly beneficial for me.

What you choose to do once you've processed this a bit more is entirely your call. It may be the best thing for you to contact the Gardai or it may be better for you to do nothing at all to pursue it. It's entirely up to you. Him having a family now doesn't mean you have to do nothing, though.

I am so sorry this happened to you, OP. Take care of yourself.xx

Emme

That was a horrible experience and the after effects must have been equally traumatic. See a doctor as soon as possible (the Well Woman Centre might be helpful) and also talk to someone in the Rape Crisis Centre. Even if some time has elapsed since the event you are still traumatised and would benefit from counselling. You definitely need counselling for what happened.

When you feel a bit stronger you can decide whether to pursue this or not. If you pursue this you would be put under very strong pressure to prove that the person on FB is him.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone. It has totally thrown me.

I was in such a horrible mood yesterday and I know it was down to this. I had a talk with myself and basically said to forget about it but after reading up the legal definitions of rape... that's exactly what it was.

I have just started CBT so at my next session I might bring it up and see what they advise.

I'm still so confused but thank you all for taking the time to read my post x

B0jangles

foundhim wrote: »

Thanks everyone. It has totally thrown me.

I was in such a horrible mood yesterday and I know it was down to this. I had a talk with myself and basically said to forget about it but after reading up the legal definitions of rape... that's exactly what it was.

I have just started CBT so at my next session I might bring it up and see what they advise.

I'm still so confused but thank you all for taking the time to read my post x

Hi OP, just wanted to echo the posters advising you to talk to the rape crisis centre, and that yes, I think what he did to you was absolutely rape. I wanted to say so earlier but I was thinking that that is a very heavy word to use to someone who was maybe not ready to handle hearing it; especially from a stranger, however supportive they might mean to be.

Take care of yourself first and foremost xx

Gannicus

Hey O/P.

What has happened to you is absolutely awful. If this is all 100% true then I would most definitely speak to either the RCC and/or a member of the gardai.

I know this may sound horrible and it is not intended to but if you proceed with all this I would make sure 100% without a shadow of any doubt in your mind that this guy is the same guy as the one who did this. If he is then he should be held accountable for his actions.

I know his face (to you) is burned into your mind but I would be certain but if there is any chance he is not the bloke then I would proceed with caution before you take this further. But you have to question, are you more annoyed by the fact he took advantage of your inebriation or are you annoyed he gave you an STD? You said that you woke up knowing what was going on and assumed he took out the tampon but felt a lump, however you don't mention telling him to stop, which to me comes off as you being more annoyed by him giving you an STD (which is absolutely deplorable) .

If you do proceed with this prepare for a very uphill battle. like the other posters I would get every bit of professional advice possible. You said yourself it was a good few years ago so even the memory may be a bit altered/faded and a decent amount of booze for you and him was involved plus pubs and clubs can be quite dark places so you may have missed a distinguishing facial feature or that.

I hope this works out and you get the justice you deserve for this horrid act.