Dating ....

shoes34

Starting dating a guy I would know casually a few weeks ago have been having fun (I think). We would be in touch every day by text or phone calls.

Last friday night we went the movies, then on Saturday he went to see friends for the night and I also went elsewhere to meet up with friends. We had said that on Sunday we would do something. When I arrived home I sent him a text saying if he wanted to call over that I was home and he replied that he was still on the road home, then later on I just gave him a quick call, well he couldn't get me off the phone quick enough and then said that he'd see me on Monday.

Monday came and Monday went and I heard nothing, fine if he wants to end things now but I would rather just know. I know its only Tuesday but my intuition tells me that for some reason or another he wants to end this.

I have a few tee-shirts of his in my house, we both live in a very small town, so will be hard to avoid him.

Not sure what kinda advice I'm looking for - but just disappointed.

LegacyUser

If I have it right, then you texted on Sat and he replied, then you rang him, on a night when you hadn't arranged to meet. Personally that would be fine for me, but some people might interpret that as pressure, being needy or whatever and react by withdrawing.

Of course there's always the possibility that he has a wife or girlfriend, which would also lead to that sort of behaviour. Can you be sure he doesn't?

shoes34

Guessed wrote: »

If I have it right, then you texted on Sat and he replied, then you rang him, on a night when you hadn't arranged to meet. Personally that would be fine for me, but some people might interpret that as pressure, being needy or whatever and react by withdrawing.

Of course there's always the possibility that he has a wife or girlfriend, which would also lead to that sort of behaviour. Can you be sure he doesn't?

Texted on Sunday, only gave him a quick call to see if he got back OK, wasn't been needy and he knows I'm not a needy person. Was just ringing to say hello.

We would know each other before we went on any dates, we live in the same town, was a year above me in school would always have chatted when we met each other out. He definately doesn't have a girlfriend or wife.

Flippyfloppy

Guessed wrote: »

If I have it right, then you texted on Sat and he replied, then you rang him, on a night when you hadn't arranged to meet. Personally that would be fine for me, but some people might interpret that as pressure, being needy or whatever and react by withdrawing.

Of course there's always the possibility that he has a wife or girlfriend, which would also lead to that sort of behaviour. Can you be sure he doesn't?

She texted on Sunday, on a day they were meant to meet. They also live in a small town and OP has known him for a while so I'd say she'd know if he had a girlfriend or wife.

Op I can't tell you what's going through his head or why, however you need to decide if he does resurface are you prepared to pick things back up like this didn't happen?

Meathlass

I hate to put this idea into your head OP but could something have happened when he was out on Saturday night to make him feel guilty about talking to you?

You're dating a few weeks. Are you officially going out? Are you exclusive?

CaraMay

Just walk away op. he has been pulling away and letting you down gently. You don't need to contact him again to get closure as his lack of contact says it all. If no word by tomorrow don't contact him again full stop. If he wants his t Shirts he will ask for them. If it were me, would be cooly polite when you meet him and don't ask him why he cooled off - that's obvious.

Hold your head high and move on.

shoes34

I would rather know than not know why - so I contacted him and just asked out right as I can't be playing mind games.

he said that he thought we were moving way too fast and he just wanted to slow things down a little. That nothing happened on his night away and that cheating isn't in his DNA.

I just wish he could have said this before me having to ask. I don't mind slowing things down but I do hate to be the one that is made to feel paranoid.

Meathlass

shoes34 wrote: »

I would rather know than not know why - so I contacted him and just asked out right as I can't be playing mind games.

he said that he thought we were moving way too fast and he just wanted to slow things down a little. That nothing happened on his night away and that cheating isn't in his DNA.

I just wish he could have said this before me having to ask. I don't mind slowing things down but I do hate to be the one that is made to feel paranoid.

You were right to ask. Hate all this mind games nonsense that people do.

shoes34

Told him slowing down was fine with me and the ball is now in his court. he can contact me now.

Meathlass

shoes34 wrote: »

Told him slowing down was fine with me and the ball is now in his court. he can contact me now.

Perfect response. You're very early into dating each other so now's the time to make decisions like that. Good luck with it.

ChannelNo5

shoes34 wrote: »

Told him slowing down was fine with me and the ball is now in his court. he can contact me now.

Great reply to him OP. And i really hope to God i'm wrong on this but i wouldn't keep looking at my phone waiting for him to call. This still sounds like a brush off to me but that could just be my own bitter experience and cynical nature. I do hope so!!:(

shoes34

ChannelNo5 wrote: »

Great reply to him OP. And i really hope to God i'm wrong on this but i wouldn't keep looking at my phone waiting for him to call. This still sounds like a brush off to me but that could just be my own bitter experience and cynical nature. I do hope so!!:(

could very well be - but would hope after me asking that he would have given a straight answer. Nothing else i can do now, wouldn't mind if I saw this coming. Onwards on upwards.

Slicemeister

I wouldn't lose hope yet OP, had he not given you an explanation, then maybe.

shoes34

Slicemeister wrote: »

I wouldn't lose hope yet OP, had he not given you an explanation, then maybe.

but had I not asked I would never have know. I do like him and hopefully we can get back on track but if this is what is going to be like at the start of a relationship where he feel he can't talk to me then where does that leave us.

Flippyfloppy

shoes34 wrote: »

but had I not asked I would never have know. I do like him and hopefully we can get back on track but if this is what is going to be like at the start of a relationship where he feel he can't talk to me then where does that leave us.

Exactly. He should have been the one to tell you this, instead of trying to 'get the message across' by cancelling on u two days in a row

Slicemeister

shoes34 wrote: »

but had I not asked I would never have know. I do like him and hopefully we can get back on track but if this is what is going to be like at the start of a relationship where he feel he can't talk to me then where does that leave us.

I just get the sense he might feel like he's being railroaded. He didn't ring you on a Monday, and he's put on the spot for doing so.
We all have Sundays where we need downtime, especially if there's a heavy night before.

Look I might be completely wrong, just looking from his angle. He's probably scratching his head as much as you...

Rubberchikken

Is he youngish maybe not much exerience yet?
He could be a bit immature and not know that it's much better to talk things out

Meauldsegosha

shoes34 wrote: »

I would rather know than not know why - so I contacted him and just asked out right as I can't be playing mind games.

he said that he thought we were moving way too fast and he just wanted to slow things down a little. That nothing happened on his night away and that cheating isn't in his DNA.

I just wish he could have said this before me having to ask. I don't mind slowing things down but I do hate to be the one that is made to feel paranoid.

You didn't really give him a chance to say it to you, did you? You didn't speak to him for one day and you text him asking what the story is. I can understand why he feels things are moving too fast if you are like this in the relationship. I don't think he is playing mind games. You need to relax and enjoy your relationship. You paranoia is being fed by your own emotions not his actions.

keane2097

+1 to those saying the "what's the story" talk was very premature.

shoes34

keane2097 wrote: »

+1 to those saying the "what's the story" talk was very premature.

Maybe it was but I would rather know where I stand, he said he'd phone/call over and i guess when he was doing pretty much that for the last few weeks and then to go to nothing I just had to know.

I've told him if he wants to talk he knows where I am but I'd rather talk then text messages/facebook as things can read out of context that way.

keane2097

shoes34 wrote: »

Maybe it was but I would rather know where I stand, he said he'd phone/call over and i guess when he was doing pretty much that for the last few weeks and then to go to nothing I just had to know.

I've told him if he wants to talk he knows where I am but I'd rather talk then text messages/facebook as things can read out of context that way.

Yeah but the point is that possibly where you stood after you asked the question might not be where you stood if you had never asked it if you follow.

i.e., before you asked he may have liked you but not thought you were at the stage where not calling you for a day was a big deal, when you asked he decided you were too full on for him.

Now, it might be that he was just giving you the brush off, or that you didn't mind the risk of scaring him off by trying to nail him down, but it is possible that scaring him off is what you did when he was just having a day to himself.

You probably know that but just in case the possibility hadn't occurred.

Paco Rodriguez

As a guy if I got that text and a call after it so early in a relationship I would probably have warning lights on about neediness.

He sounds as he just got taken aback but clearly hasn't given up. Just relax and don't rush things.

I can't believe people are saying to jump ship because of this.

shoes34

Paco Rodriguez wrote: »

As a guy if I got that text and a call after it so early in a relationship I would probably have warning lights on about neediness.

He sounds as he just got taken aback but clearly hasn't given up. Just relax and don't rush things.

I can't believe people are saying to jump ship because of this.

I guess all i can do is let him do the talking this time, I'm not needy but after been in contact daily to nothing it was just a bit odd. Not much i can do now, what is said is said and can't be taken back. Just rather he spoke to me and told me he felt we were rushing things.

tinz18

While I would agree that the "where we stand" was a bit early - I also think the making loose plans (i.e. he said he'll see you Monday) and then not bothering to send a text to say he was breaking them is a little flaky. I know its a case of girls plan ahead (because most likely their girlfriends will have other plans if they don't get in there first) and guys go with the flow but a little bit of consideration would be in order. OP I hope you hadn't put off any plans on Monday on the off chance you'd see him?

Jaxxy

To be fair the OP made plans with him to meet up/call over on Sunday. She had to chase after him after there'd been no word from him. And yes, sometimes we do need some downtime on a Sunday after a session, but that doesn't mean he can't send her a quick text saying, "Ugh, dying, rain-check?" So after she gets in touch he makes plans with her for Monday. Monday he's a no-show again. I don't blame her at all for asking "what's the story here?" the following day.

I think the OP handled it very well and in a mature fashion and now she's leaving the ball in his court. If he thinks she's needy for wondering why he's bailed on plans, loose or not, twice, then I guess that's his prerogative and chances are he's probably not for you, OP.

shoes34

I guess all I can do is just wait and see what happens and go from there. As I have said to him its best we either talk in person not over text but the ball is left in his court. Thanks

CaraMay

shoes34 wrote: »

I guess all I can do is just wait and see what happens and go from there. As I have said to him its best we either talk in person not over text but the ball is left in his court. Thanks

But what do you need to talk about now??? You spoke to him on the phone so why rehash it all (which was nothing kick to start with) again?

Tbh if someone I was only starting to date wanted a face to face chat over nothing much, I wouldn't bother. You are coming across as way too intense op.

Greenduck

I would have done the same OP and frankly I wouldn't want to be with someone who makes plans (loose or not) that doesn't have the common decency to cancel in advance, leaving you out on a limb wondering whats going on.

Game playing, blowing hot and cold, being mysterious, playing hard to get can be left to teenagers. As a mature grown up you should try your best to treat people with a bit of respect. Its nothing to do with being intense, its being assertive and clear.

Lifes too short for all that worrying and pondering, especially so early in the day.

You're doing the best thing by leaving him to it and try not to sit around and worry. Get out and enjoy yourself

shoes34

Greenduck wrote: »

I would have done the same OP and frankly I wouldn't want to be with someone who makes plans (loose or not) that doesn't have the common decency to cancel in advance, leaving you out on a limb wondering whats going on.

Game playing, blowing hot and cold, being mysterious, playing hard to get can be left to teenagers. As a mature grown up you should try your best to treat people with a bit of respect. Its nothing to do with being intense, its being assertive and clear.

Lifes too short for all that worrying and pondering, especially so early in the day.

You're doing the best thing by leaving him to it and try not to sit around and worry. Get out and enjoy yourself

I've had enough game playing with a previous boyfriend to want to go through it again.

Thanks to everyone for all the advice.

tinz18

Greenduck wrote: »

Game playing, blowing hot and cold, being mysterious, playing hard to get can be left to teenagers. As a mature grown up you should try your best to treat people with a bit of respect. Its nothing to do with being intense, its being assertive and clear.

Lifes too short for all that worrying and pondering, especially so early in the day.

Unfortunately it's something I'm seeing a lot among my friends these days- who are in their mid to late 20s. OP I would say move on with your life and if he contacts you all and well and if he doesn't his loss. There's plenty of other guys out there that will be more forthcoming with what they want. If its like this at the start what will it be like later i.e. is he going to give you the silent treatment when ye have an argument etc

santana75

CaraMay wrote: »

But what do you need to talk about now??? You spoke to him on the phone so why rehash it all (which was nothing kick to start with) again?

Tbh if someone I was only starting to date wanted a face to face chat over nothing much, I wouldn't bother. You are coming across as way too intense op.

+1. Op having someone needing to "have a talk" so soon into dating them is a big red flag, its way too intense. He was out of contact for one day, thats nothing. I know there was a pattern of contact every day up til that point but maybe that was too much and he needed a bit of breathing space, which is fair enough.
If he is pulling away then let him go, you wouldnt want to be with somebody who didnt want to be with you anyway. But needing to be reassured or knowing where you stand so soon into things is the issue here, not what this guy is or isnt doing.

Jaxxy

I'm really surprised by some of the posts here. The OP's boyfriend isn't some fragile child with commitment issues, to be treated gently just because she might "chase him off". He's a grown man and if he's just not that into her, the OP deserves to know sooner rather than later.

The issue wasn't that he was out of contact for just a day, it was because he flaked on plans he had made with her, twice. When the OP asked why, and if everything was okay (the cheek of her), he told her that he thought things were moving too fast. What's wrong with responding to that with, "we should have a talk, then"? Relationships, at all stages, are a two-way street. One person shouldn't have to do the running around after another, and both parties are entitled to know where they stand.

If it's a case that the OP read more into the relationship, and that her boyfriend sees this as more of a casual thing, then surely there's nothing wrong with them discussing what they want/expect from each other and where they stand respectively? Whether that's a discussion a couple might have after six days or six months, it's relative to the parties involved.

keane2097

Jaxxy wrote: »

I'm really surprised by some of the posts here. The OP's boyfriend isn't some fragile child with commitment issues, to be treated gently just because she might "chase him off". He's a grown man and if he's just not that into her, the OP deserves to know sooner rather than later.

He might have been plenty into her until she gave him reason to think she was needy.

Not contacting her on the Monday wasn't grade A superman behaviour, but the snap-reflex to go straight to "just not that into you"/"find out where you stand" advice is a mile OTT.

Why would waiting till Thursday/Friday to come to the same conclusion be such a hardship?

Making the call on the Tuesday was a manoeuvre which had the potential to yield the same answer you would have gotten on Friday and nothing more, but with the added risk of potentially making an interested party think that things were starting to get heavy fast.

Jaxxy

keane2097 wrote: »

He might have been plenty into her until she gave him reason to think she was needy.

Not contacting her on the Monday wasn't grade A superman behaviour, but the snap-reflex to go straight to "just not that into you"/"find out where you stand" advice is a mile OTT.

Why would waiting till Thursday/Friday to come to the same conclusion be such a hardship?

Making the call on the Tuesday was a manoeuvre which had the potential to yield the same answer you would have gotten on Friday and nothing more, but with the added risk of potentially making an interested party think that things were starting to get heavy fast.

How is asking someone who flaked on plans twice to explain why they did so, needy?

keane2097

Jaxxy wrote: »

How is asking someone who flaked on plans twice to explain why they did so, needy?

I don't think that's the conversation that took place from reading the thread.

Jaxxy

keane2097 wrote: »

I don't think that's the conversation that took place from reading the thread.

Well that's what I gleaned from it; plans on Sunday postponed, made a plan for Monday, he goes communications silence on Monday, OP gets in touch on Tuesday and asks "what's the story?", he tells her he thinks they're moving too fast, she says we should talk about it.

I could be picking it up totally wrong, but that's what I've been working off.

keane2097

shoes34 wrote: »

Monday came and Monday went and I heard nothing, fine if he wants to end things now but I would rather just know. I know its only Tuesday but my intuition tells me that for some reason or another he wants to end this.

shoes34 wrote: »

I would rather know than not know why - so I contacted him and just asked out right as I can't be playing mind games.

he said that he thought we were moving way too fast and he just wanted to slow things down a little. That nothing happened on his night away and that cheating isn't in his DNA.

I just wish he could have said this before me having to ask. I don't mind slowing things down but I do hate to be the one that is made to feel paranoid.

From these two posts the conversation was not just "Hey, how come you flaked on Monday?" to me.

"Cheating isn't in my DNA" is a pretty woeful thing to have to say to someone after a few weeks.

CaraMay

keane2097 wrote: »

From these two posts the conversation was not just "Hey, how come you flaked on Monday?" to me.

"Cheating isn't in my DNA" is a pretty woeful thing to have to say to someone after a few weeks.[/QUOTE]
Exactly!!!!

Flippyfloppy

keane2097 wrote: »

He might have been plenty into her until she gave him reason to think she was needy.

Not contacting her on the Monday wasn't grade A superman behaviour, but the snap-reflex to go straight to "just not that into you"/"find out where you stand" advice is a mile OTT.

Why would waiting till Thursday/Friday to come to the same conclusion be such a hardship?

Making the call on the Tuesday was a manoeuvre which had the potential to yield the same answer you would have gotten on Friday and nothing more, but with the added risk of potentially making an interested party think that things were starting to get heavy fast.

This ^^ is all just game playing. Op had every right to ask what the story was, and look like she was right, things had changed. Now she knows, and she can move on. And I sincerely doubt if she had played the part of a well behaved little girl he would have come round by Thursday or Friday. What she did was the opposite of needy. Only a 'needy' person would entertain someone who cancelled on them one day, stood them up the next, and didn't bother with them again until the end of the week/if they felt like it etc.

tinz18

shoes34 wrote: »

he said that he thought we were moving way too fast and he just wanted to slow things down a little. That nothing happened on his night away and that cheating isn't in his DNA.
.

Funny thing about that- I got told the same thing and turns out he was cheating on me. Even funnier it actually was in his DNA cos his brother cheated on his wife. Tbh I'd chuck him OP- that flakiness is only going to get worse as time goes along and each time you call him on it he'll use the same excuse. If he was interested in pursuing anything whether it be casual or serious he should be forthright with it and make sure the pair of ye are on the same page.

ima_believer

I love chocolate but jesus I fookin hate flakes!

New Home

If he doesn't improve on his act, send him a message that says ''Been there, done that, burnt your t-shirts. Goodbye''

shoes34

keane2097 wrote: »

From these two posts the conversation was not just "Hey, how come you flaked on Monday?" to me.

"Cheating isn't in my DNA" is a pretty woeful thing to have to say to someone after a few weeks.

I never asked him if he cheated - I asked if something happened when he was away, maybe he felt that it was time to call it quits and had thought about it over the weekend and just thought it was easier to stop talking to me then tell me. I never mentioned anything about cheating.

I've taken all the advice on board. Thanks think the thread can be closed off now. Thanks.

shoes34

A little update - he texted Friday evening to see if he could call over on Sunday. he called over Sunday and said that he had started to panic about things on his car journey when he went away the previous weekend and I just told him that it was him that was going fast not me and he agreed. Said that he will probably be single forever. so just left it at that told him he should have spoken to me instead of flaking on arrangements twice.

Told me to give him a call if I ever wanted to go for a walk or anything - that is going to be very unlikely. He then stood up to leave and then sat down again and then stood up in front of the fire for a few minutes and was still talking so was bitchy and said the door is that way!

Best I found out now. :-)

CaraMay

Very harsh on a guy who obviously was trying to explain his issues

shoes34

CaraMay wrote: »

Very harsh on a guy who obviously was trying to explain his issues

Well I should have explained better I didn't just go there's the door - he explained then was just a bit of chit chat about weekend. I just wanted to be on my own instead of making small talk. He then got up, then sat down then got up and was unzipping his fleece and I couldn't see why he was still there he had explained his issue so I said it jokingly the door's that way as I wanted to be on my own. But maybe it was harsh.

ChannelNo5

Well maybe a little OP but you know, he p1ssed you about and I think you probably did the right thing not prolonging the agony for both of you. sounds like the poor chap has issues but you know what, its not fair to bring them to your door. Fair play to you, right thing to do

Icepick

Attention spans have really gone down, haven't they?

Est28

ChannelNo5 wrote: »

Well maybe a little OP but you know, he p1ssed you about and I think you probably did the right thing not prolonging the agony for both of you. sounds like the poor chap has issues but you know what, its not fair to bring them to your door. Fair play to you, right thing to do

From what I can gather all of this happened over a few days or like... a week?
If so, this is beyond over the top. The OP is addicted to drama.

All this "deserves to know..." stuff...
I mean, maybe it's a bit sad but it's the way of the world. If you've just started seeing someone, people come and go. People don't offer big explanations.

Jeez, if I threw up this stink every time a girl didn't talk to me for a day or two, I'd despair. It's the way relationships are now until you are actually, you know... actually with someone.
If they don't see it going anywhere they'll just let it trail off, you take the hint and you move on yourself. Confronting and causing big issues when are relationship has hardly begun? Crazy.

I love where the OP tells us, he has problems. The guy was actually trying to be genuine after she started drama with him and then he's told he has issues.

OP, he obviously liked you and you scared him off by being too intense... he has issues because he's not calling texting you every day? Come on now... a little common sense.

tinz18

Est28 wrote: »

Jeez, if I threw up this stink every time a girl didn't talk to me for a day or two, I'd despair. It's the way relationships are now until you are actually, you know... actually with someone.
If they don't see it going anywhere they'll just let it trail off, you take the hint and you move on yourself. Confronting and causing big issues when are relationship has hardly begun? Crazy.

While I would agree with it being pre-emptive- as a girl there's a phenomen that occurs where a guy goes into man cave mode for any time period between a few days and a month no contact. When they come out they don't understand why you've written them off as a lost cause cos 'sure I like ya a lot and just needed me alone time'.
Here comes the issue - what's an acceptable time to wait before you move on? I'm the type of girl who can't date more than one guy at a time (don't have the time nor the attention span)... am I meant to wait a month to see if maybe that guy is going to call me or after a week do I move on and suffer name calling and guilt tripping when the man emerges from the cave a month later to find I'm dating someone else.
Trailing off (also known as fading out) imo is a pretty lousy way to let someone know you don't like them- whether male or female. If you aren't interested tell the people straight away- its common courtesy and being on both the receiving and giving end I find there's a lot less drama than what the fading invokes.

shoes34

Est28 wrote: »

From what I can gather all of this happened over a few days or like... a week?
If so, this is beyond over the top. The OP is addicted to drama.

All this "deserves to know..." stuff...
I mean, maybe it's a bit sad but it's the way of the world. If you've just started seeing someone, people come and go. People don't offer big explanations.

Jeez, if I threw up this stink every time a girl didn't talk to me for a day or two, I'd despair. It's the way relationships are now until you are actually, you know... actually with someone.
If they don't see it going anywhere they'll just let it trail off, you take the hint and you move on yourself. Confronting and causing big issues when are relationship has hardly begun? Crazy.

I love where the OP tells us, he has problems. The guy was actually trying to be genuine after she started drama with him and then he's told he has issues.

OP, he obviously liked you and you scared him off by being too intense... he has issues because he's not calling texting you every day? Come on now... a little common sense.

No where did I say he had problems.

Also he flaked on arrangements twice, if he just contacted and cancelled that would have been fine. He was also the one making contact every day.

I doesn't make much odds now its all over and done with.