Found out about Grandmothers death on Facebook

LegacyUser

Hi, this may be more of a rant more than anything else but I don’t really know where or who to turn to. I hope its in the right place. I left Ireland to move to New Zealand almost 2 years ago by myself. All in all NZ has been great I have made friends and picked up a kiwi boyfriend even though I have confided in them I really dont to be burdening them too much with my problems.

Last week my grandmother died, she was quite ill for a good few years so the death didn’t really come as a shock. However what is upsetting me the most is that I found out on facebook on the evening after the funeral. My father choose not to tell me as he was afraid I would try to come home for funeral and was concerned about cost of flights, taking time off work etc. So it was Saturday evening and I seen a post from one of my cousins about the funeral. Immediately I was on the phone to my sister, who told me what was going on and that she had lots of arguments with my father about the whole issue. They know I am not happy about this at all and at the moment I took the day off work as my head is all over the place.

To make things feel worse than what they are myself and my partner have flights booked to visit home over Christmas. We were planning on telling them this weekend. Right now I don’t want to go I am quite upset and angry at my father.

Sorry about my rant, I just felt I needed to get it all off my chest.

Neyite

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think that, in his very clumsy way, he was trying to be kind, protective, but he didnt think it through, and didnt really see the big picture. And forgot that maybe you are your own grown up person and should have been able to decide to come home for the funeral or not. It probably didnt occur to him that you'd find out through facebook.

It sounds like exactly the kind of thing my own parents sometimes do - in fact my mother was in hospital for days once without me knowing before she was forced to ring me to ask me to move her car. She didnt want to worry me apparently! I discussed it with her at length afterwards and made it clear that if she doesnt tell me stuff like that, I'd worry more! Then there was stuff that we werent supposed to tell someone in our family because they were expecting and shouldnt hear bad news etc. We have chatted to her about it and hopefully nipped it in the bud. It's an odd parent thing that some do.

You need to speak to him. Explain that you are still part of the family even though you are the other side of the world. That just because you are there it does not mean that you should be shut out from family events - happy and sad. Dont cancel Christmas just yet, but do let him know that you considered it because you were so upset. Is it his mother or mother in law. If it was his mother, maybe let the dust settle a little first. Even though death of a parent is expected, its still very sad and final when it does happen.

LegacyUser

OP It's a case of your father thinking he was doing the right thing and meaning well but in fact making it worse.

One of my best friends from school committed suicide while I was living in the states and I found out the day of the funeral via a text from another friend. When my mum rung me later that day she explained she'd asked I not be told as she knew I couldn't afford to come home and that would upset even more - she thought she was doing the right thing. She did something similar when my father died, she tired to keep me out of everything to do with the funeral arrangements because she thought she could protect me and it had the opposite effect in that I felt she wasn't letting me grieve. In both cases I was very angry at her but while I'm still not happy with her actions I understand she wasn't trying to upset me, she genuinely thought she was protecting me from further hurt.

I'd tell your dad it upset you not to be told and not to do anything like that again but don't hold a grudge over this.

IlmoNT4

My parents did exactly the same thing to me, I was in New York and my Nana passed away. No one told me and even when I rang home, everyone played along that she was ok (She had been sick so when I called home I asked after her)....Many weeks after the funeral they finally told me. I was heart broken. Same reasons, they didnt want me to be upset in another country, didnt want me to try and get home, spend money etc etc....

It was nearly 10 years before I could talk to my parents about it, in that while I understood they were trying to protect me, that I was an adult and it was important that they should have told me and allowed me to make decisions for myself. Its a tough one OP, for me, I never got a chance to grieve for her and in my mind shes still alive. I'm not upset with my folks anymore, my mother was very broken up over her mother passing and I know they did it to protect me out of love.

All I can say is, cry your eyes out, grieve and in the calmest way possible, tell your folks not to do that again to you. Keep talking about whats happening and lean on people, its ok to be sad, it'll come in waves. Maybe try and have some moments to yourself to talk to your Nana and say goodbye, that really helped me. Good luck...

eviltwin

I completely understand your anger at not having the choice to come home and finding out after the fact on Facebook of all things must have been a shock but go easy on your dad. He's lost his mum and probably wasn't thinking rationally. I am sure he didn't intend to hurt your further or exclude you. Grief, even grief after an expected death, can affect your logic and common sense. Don't do anything rash re your flights for Christmas, give yourself some time to come to terms with the loss and see how you feel in a few weeks. I'm sorry for your loss x

Lalealynn

I am very sorry for your loss. And I am also sorry for the way you found out. It must have left you feeling isolated. And in trying to protect you your father took away your choice. I understand you must be hurt.

It's an odd kind of love. It was well meant but not a thing to do for an adult.

So sorry OP.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I'm very sorry for your loss as well. Losing a grandparent is hard enough without all the family shenanigans that can go with it, but in death, as in life eh? What I mean is, parents never stop being parents although they can learn you are an adult and able to take your own decisions, they don't always come through at the right time. In this time of upset and difficulty, your father clearly didn't think like this through properly.

My grandfather died while my parents were on holidays in France and I immediately upped and returned to Dublin to find my grandmother and my aunt and a family friend conspiring that my parents shouldn't be told till they got back SO AS NOT TO SPOIL THEIR HOLIDAY. Oh boy. My brother and myself managed to override this and got in touch with them, but I can imagine how your sister felt alright. To be honest, I don't know if we'd have managed to persuade them if the parents had been abroad somewhere more expensive to get back from at short notice.

Sorry for the position you and your sister were put in, but really, when the deceased one's nearest and dearest are taking decisions during such a hard time, they might not be able to be as rational as they normally would be. Hope you can patch things up with them, all the best. S.

Rubberchikken

I's say your dad thought he was doing you a favour.
He may have been afraid you would feel obliged to come back for the funeral and he'd be conscious of the cost etc.

I'm thinking it came from a good but ill thought out place.
Give it a say or two and see how you feel then.

thefeatheredcat

I agree with Neyvite, and I've had the experience in all the years living away from home - and while not far away as NZ but still within Ireland - that if something happened to anyone at home, or a relative, or even just a situation at home, I'd be kept in the dark about it. I think it's a matter of trying not to worry a person over a situation or prompt a scrambling to get home, and just not being told about it (especially where there's little one can do about a situation) so that you don't feel guilty about not getting there for it either because of commitments or because of cost or anything like that. Like my parents have done, your father probably did it with the best intentions, but it must have been an absolute shock for you to find out through facebook, rather than being told through more appropriate channels and if your dad is like my dad, the thought of facebook and finding out about it that way wouldn't have even occurred to him.

OP you may be feeling guilty as well as angry and upset that you weren't there for your grandmother, don't let that guilt eat away at you, talk about it. While I think anyone would be upset at missing the chance to say goodbye to someone, there is a chance that your grandmother might have been understanding about you not being there, regardless as to how that came to be, either by not being aware of her passing, or by not being able to get home for the funeral for any reason. And she may have been the sort of person who might not wanted for you to put yourself to financial hardship or at odds with your employers for her sake.

Miss Anonymous wrote: »

To make things feel worse than what they are myself and my partner have flights booked to visit home over Christmas. We were planning on telling them this weekend. Right now I don’t want to go I am quite upset and angry at my father.

I think you should go ahead and tell them this weekend, and still visit home as planned, for Christmas. This would be the first without your grandmother, so a chance for all to remember her, visit her grave, etc, as a family together this Christmas, rather than you missing out on all that, as I'm sure all will be thinking of her.

LynnGrace

My condolences on the death of your grandmother. May she rest in peace.
Very very understandable that you are upset and angry. You should have been told, it's an awful way to find out.
I can only offer, as others have said, that it was done with the best of intentions. Your dad probably tried to make the best decision. It's hard when someone is far away, to know what is the right thing to do.
I'd advise you to go ahead as planned, and travel home for Christmas. It will help you to make peace, in your own heart, with what happened, and help you to grieve also. Take care.

ravima

It's a terrible way to learn of the death of a loved one. Older people do not understand how instant technology now is. As others have said, not telling you was done out of love and concern for you. It really was and you must accept this as part of grieving/healing.

I would suggest that you don't cancel your planned trip. Come home and visit the grave. If your gran was a religious woman, go to mass in NZ and pray for her there. You might rekindle a bond. Pray for her and remember the prayer said at Catholic removals here in Ireland........... as we pray for XX may she now pray for us. Maybe you/your family could arrange a memorial mass around the time of your visit for her as well.

Don't let the (loving) misunderstanding cause a rift. Life is way to short for this.