What's the point?

LegacyUser

How should I approach an ex who is clearly confused about what she wants from me (but has admitted she still has feelings for me not so long ago) - since we broke up, she initiates contact now and again which spans over 2/3 messages and then conversation stops. About 6 weeks ago she struck up contact again and up until last week we were talking almost on a daily basis which is a lot for us. However I feel she is retreating again and its killing me because I thought this time it felt like she was showing genuine interest in me. I know I should have ignored her this time but I didn't so I'd prefer if people didn't highlight this

Has anybody got some advice for me - how to make her see we can't go on like this but without holding an ultimatum type approach? She has issues with commitment which she confessed before and so i don't want to push her away but at the same time I don't want to get played.

Maybe I am over-thinking it all but advice would be really appreciated.

strobe

Never 'chase' anyone. Just ask her if she wants to be with you.

CaraMay

Sorry to say but we all have issues with commitment til we meet the right one op. If you want, just ask her once, to go out with you. It's a yes or no response and she shouldn't need to think about it. Take back control here because you are being played.

Big Bag of Chips

You have a right to take control here. I always wonder about these people with "commitment issues". As Caramay says, I think we all have them if we're not with the right person.

Ask her outright what she wants from you. She might be thinking that you are now in a place where you can be friends. If you are, then great. Although I get the feeling you're not quite there yet? You are entitled to not want to be friends with her. And you are entitled to tell her that. It's good that you are being considerate of her feelings and trying not to upset her... But she's not really giving you the same consideration.

It would seem she likes you as a friend but doesn't like you enough to be your gf. You now decide if you want her as your friend. If you don't then tell her she has to stop contacting you because it is holding you back from moving on. The thing about it is, the time will come when she moves on and meets someone she wants to be with. Will you be able to handle standing by and watching her be in a relationship with someone else and still wanting to be just your friend?

too little too late

Maybe neither of you are ready to let each other go yet ? Considering she told you recently how she feels about you, which may have been hard for her, maybe you could tell her honestly how you feel about her. Give her a chance, maybe she doesn't know how you feel.
Take it from there, work out what you both want and be honest with each other, it could be really worth one more chance.

keane2097

I wonder did anyone ever have "commitment issues" before Chandler Bing and Friends arrived on RTE 20 odd years ago.

This is really just a situation where you ask the girl out on a date, if she likes you she agrees and you go from there, if she doesn't agree you have your answer and you decide whether you want to be her friend or (probably a better idea) not.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice so far.

I've got problems putting how I feel about a situation into words - knowing what I want to say in my head but can't write it down which is why I find this kind of thing so hard! So I find it very difficult to come out with it and just ask her out....it feels like a delicate subject in that I don't want to push her under pressure and jeopardise anything in case she needs to take the process slow even though I know I need to think about me and not just her edgy emotions!

I think I need to make some sort of progress with this because its not good for me at the moment....I need to give an ultimatum without giving an ultimatum!

LegacyUser

Oh and those comments about commitment - I've gone through that in my head so many times....if you want to be with the person enough you'll push through that phobia.
She hasn't had a long term relationship in years and funny thing is its not as if she enjoys playing the field every weekend (we have some mutual friends and they just said she thought our relationship was becoming too serious and she freaked out) so maybe she just wants to be on her own and enjoys me on the side without having the responsibility of a relationship :-/

keane2097

Doesn't seem like an enjoyable situation to be in now.

Sadly, it doesn't sound like it would be an enjoyable situation to be in if you get your wish either.

You're basically talking about handling the situation with minute delicacy because the whole attraction/desire to be with you from the other party is so liable to be shattered that the very act of saying "do you want to go for a drink on Friday" could spoil everything.

This isn't a healthy foundation on which to try and build/rebuild a relationship. You would be much better off asking her out, then when she inevitably tells you she's not interested move yourself on and take life for what it throws at you.

If, long term, this girl retains the feelings you hope she has for you then she can come see about you when she's no longer in danger of being blown away from you by a slight breeze, which will be a much, much healthier position than the one you are currently trying to coax back to life.

That's assuming you're still interested at that later state, which is genuinely not guaranteed no matter how much you think it is.

LegacyUser

Thanks Keane2097....between all of the input in this thread, its putting a lot of the last few weeks into perspective for me with your advice - all I need now is to gather myself for potential rejection but at least I have a clearer vision for the future which is to not coast along as I am right now for fear of upsetting a situation that doesn't even exist at the moment. She has ceased contact since Friday night now but I haven't contacted her.

Here goes I guess...

keane2097

_OP_ wrote: »

Thanks Keane2097....between all of the input in this thread, its putting a lot of the last few weeks into perspective for me with your advice - all I need now is to gather myself for potential rejection but at least I have a clearer vision for the future which is to not coast along as I am right now for fear of upsetting a situation that doesn't even exist at the moment. She has ceased contact since Friday night now but I haven't contacted her.

Here goes I guess...

Good man, you know what's going to happen yourself realistically, but after the initial pang of knowing you have to put this behind you the future will be a lot better than this nervous walking on eggshells for nothing existence you've allowed yourself to get caught up in at the moment.

You're at the start of an upward curve, congrats.