Would you call this a deal-breaker?

LegacyUser

Just looking for some independent opinions on whether or not other people consider something to be a deal breaker. My OH and I have been together a few years now. The relationship has been under a lot of pressure in the last few months due to work issues meaning one of us had to move across the country, but we have been pushing on and are due to both be back in the same place fairly soon. Then I found out that he did something completely reckless with a 4 figure sum of his money (I say his money, but I'm not sure it wasn't money his parents gave him). We're both mid-late 20s and got badly hit by the economic collapse and despite being highly qualified, have found it hard to make a living in this country. If it wasn't for family commitments I would have emigrated by now. I'm only mentioning this so you can get an idea of the kind of situation we're in. Like, I earn less than the equivalent of minimum wage in a professional job with plenty of responsibility and have no option but to live with my parents. Moving somewhere cheaper isn't an option as I wouldn't have a job there. Neither of us have a lot of money, so a 4 figure sum is hardly inconsequential. To me it's actually a really big deal. I know it wasn't my money or joint money or anything like that, but it has affected me in that I was made to feel really bad over not offering to do something for him.

He kept very quiet about the expenditure, but I suspected he had been spending his money on this particular thing and when I asked him about it he told me he hadn't spent it. Then a few days ago he slipped up and I realized he had lied about the expenditure and then lied when he denied it to me. (it's not gambling or anything like that, but he may as well have burned the money as done what he did with it).

I was picturing moving in with him in a few months time, things were looking up work-wise for both of us and we'd both be back in the same area and able to move on like a normal couple. But between the financial recklessness and then lying to me (and only admitting it when it was clear he had been caught out) and not even apologizing, I kinda feel like the whole lot together is a deal-breaker. The relationship has been under so much stress though, so I don't know if I'm making a mountain out of a mole-hill in thinking it's a deal breaker. I'm not sure if I'm looking at the situation with clear eyes, if you know what I mean? I'm mad about HIM but I just hate what he's done. I can't imagine moving in with him (or eventually getting married or whatever) and ultimately being financially responsible for him (tenants being jointly and severally liable for rent, married couples liable for each others' debts etc.). He had nothing really to say for himself when I asked him if he had lied to me, doesn't really see what he did as wrong, but then I'm thinking why would he? He's late 20s and has never really stood on his own two feet. Someone has always had to prompt him into doing things for him, he's still treated like a child at home, he's given money hand outs whenever he asks. I don't think he actually understands the value of money. And then he lied about it

I would appreciate any comments or thoughts people have about it. Right now I'm feeling like ending the relationship but want to think on it. I still love him and I don't want to act rashly and throw away years of a relationship that was happy for the most part. I've talked to my mother about it and while she won't directly advise me, is really asking how I can move on when he's been caught lying to me. But a mammy is always a mammy and will always have their own child's best interests at heart so (even though I trust my mother completely) I'm really looking for an unbiased opinion. Thanks.

indigo twist

I think it would be useful to say what he spent the money on ... to you, it obviously seems like money wasted, but others might not necessarily agree.

The lying about it would be a big thing for me. But the fact that he spent the money - no, I don't think so. Not when you don't currently have joint rent/bills/etc.

Besides, if his parents gave him that money specifically for that purpose, he couldn't really go spending it on anything else, could he? Again, a lot depends on what he actually spent it on ...

LegacyUser

Hi, op here.

Thanks for your reply. His mother actually asked me if he was spending money on it, because she was concerned that's where the money was going so I doubt they gave him money to spend on it. Without directly saying what it was, I suppose it would be like optionally (no contract or anything) spending thousands on gym membership in Galway while living in Belfast and never once using or intending to use it. Hope that clarifies a bit. Literally gets no benefit from it.

bee06

I think for me it would be a deal breaker. I am incredibly sensible with money so I would never be able to go out with someone who is so lax when it comes to money matters.

freshpopcorn

I think you need to say what he spent the money on, so posters can give you a real opinion. There must be some reason why he thought spending the money on that thing seemed some sort of a good idea to him at the time.

woodchuck

To be honest it's difficult to give you advice without knowing what he spent the money on (presumably he had some reason for spending the money even if you don't agree with it). And it wasn't your money and you're not living together, so he shouldn't have to have your blessing first. But the lying is a red flag.

Unfortunately only you can decide what is a deal breaker for YOU. What's a deal breaker for one person, wouldn't be for another.

The thing that would bother me the most is that he sounds quite immature, if he's p1ssing away the money and then lying to you about it. How is the communication in your relationship in general? I don't mean to nitpick, but the tone of your post sounds like an irrate mother giving out about a child and he reacted like a child who had done something bold and was afraid to fess up to his mother. That doesn't really sound like a healthy relationship to be honest Open communication is key. I'm sure you don't want to be the nagging partner along the lines of a mother figure in the relationship!

I guess for me I'd have to put everything into context of the relationship as a whole. If it's a one off I'd try to work on things, but if there's a pattern there (maybe not in terms of the spending, but lying, not being open or poor communication in general) then you probably need to a have a serious chat about your future together.

CaraMay

It's hard to know unless we know what it is. Is he normally messy with money? The other sure is if you are willing to bail over something like this, how committed would YOU be in a marriage

indigo twist

Notloggedin wrote: »

Without directly saying what it was, I suppose it would be like optionally (no contract or anything) spending thousands on gym membership in Galway while living in Belfast and never once using or intending to use it. Hope that clarifies a bit.

No, it really doesn't clarify it at all.

Are you saying it's some sort of hobby of his? A sport? Unless it's something dodgy or illegal, I can't understand why you won't just say ... and if it is something dodgy or illegal, then this will obviously make a difference to what advice you're given.

I mean, no rational person would (to use your analogy) pay for gym membership in a completely different city. So there's certainly more to it than that. If that's a close analogy, I'd be questioning his mental health! But I've a feeling that - for whatever he was spending that money on - he must have seen some benefit or potential benefit? Honestly it's really hard to give you advice when you don't say what he was spending it on. Is it some sort of an addiction, that his mother is aware of, that he got in trouble with in the past, and that's why she was asking? Or is it some sort of a charitable cause, which yourself and your mother don't agree with?

You're posting anonymously so I really can't understand the need to be secretive about this.

Buona Fortuna

Hi OP

I'm with everyone else I'm afraid. If its as daft as your analogy suggests I wonder does he need help.

Let me try and help a little. Suppose it was a motorbike, and you say I don't want you to buy that bike. He might well say "Right", but that could just mean I don't want to argue about it anymore and as its my money ....

Then maybe you would ask "Did you buy that bike?" and he might answer "No", not because he's planning on concealing the purchase of the bike forever, but he's not ready for the discussion/argument now.

I fear that may just muddy the waters more, but I do hope not.

LegacyUser

indigo twist wrote: »

Are you saying it's some sort of hobby of his? A sport? Unless it's something dodgy or illegal, I can't understand why you won't just say ... and if it is something dodgy or illegal, then this will obviously make a difference to what advice you're given.

I mean, no rational person would (to use your analogy) pay for gym membership in a completely different city. So there's certainly more to it than that. If that's a close analogy, I'd be questioning his mental health! But I've a feeling that - for whatever he was spending that money on - he must have seen some benefit or potential benefit?

Unfortunately it wasn't a hobby or donating to charity or ANYTHING like that. If he'd given all the money to charity I'd be happy out. If he'd paid a fortune on a hobby he enjoyed, fine. But what actually happened was when he "moved out" he actually didn't bother moving out properly and has been paying rent for the best part of a year for a place he's no longer living in, hasn't been to for months and was hundreds of miles away from. That's thousands and thousands of euros spent on renting a room when he had no lease and could have found a replacement for himself within a week because the area is in such high demand. No subletting, nothing. Just handing it over to some landlord because he wasn't bothered moving out. I asked why he didn't move out and he said he had intended to but just hadn't gotten around to it yet. Where he was renting is fairly close to where I live, yet any time he was around here he'd stay with me in my parents' house. Even if he kept renting and said he wanted it so we could stay together away from parents for a weekend every couple of weeks I'd have said that's fine as long as he can afford it, but he had no intention of that - he just didn't get around to moving out. This from the guy who made me pay for my own birthday lunch (which at the time I had no problem doing because I thought money was really tight, but petty as it sounds it's a bit hurtful now when I consider lunch cost €25 and he was spending hundreds of times that renting a place he wasn't using).

woodchuck wrote: »

The thing that would bother me the most is that he sounds quite immature, if he's p1ssing away the money and then lying to you about it. How is the communication in your relationship in general? I don't mean to nitpick, but the tone of your post sounds like an irrate mother giving out about a child and he reacted like a child who had done something bold and was afraid to fess up to his mother. That doesn't really sound like a healthy relationship to be honest Open communication is key. I'm sure you don't want to be the nagging partner along the lines of a mother figure in the relationship!

Tbh you're bang on, I feel like his mother at times. In terms of getting a job he claimed he wanted I had to hound him to fill out his application. Then he moved away and was living with his parents the last while (while - it turns out - renting a place so much closer to me) and spent a couple of months working on the family farm and then sat around doing nothing since then and I had to hound him to do SOMETHING. Which he finally did. It wasn't even one lie, though, cos some stuff had gone missing that he borrowed from me (turns out it's still in the place he rents so probably destroyed with mould at this stage). So when I was asking where it was he lied about it. And yeah I think he's emotionally very immature, if I try to raise anything difficult he starts huffing or sighing or buries his head in a pillow. Can't quite believe how bad that looks when typed out, but there you go. I'd just love for him to grow up.

He sounds awful in this post and I think it's only fair to say that he's actually a really nice and sweet person, otherwise I would be long gone.

indigo twist

Thanks for clarifying ... and to be perfectly honest, if that was my long-term partner, the waste of money would make me feel quite murderous too, to be honest!

I hate to suggest this, but one possible scenario that comes to mind is that he is seeing someone else in the area and she comes to that place he's renting? The whole thing seems so senseless. There must be a reason he's been continuing to rent the place. There must be a reason his mother was suspicious that he might be (I'm thinking she's well aware he spends time away from home when she knows he's not with you?) There must be a reason he's been lying to you about it, and staying with you at your parents' house rather than bringing you there. I could be completely wrong, and if so, I'm sorry for suggesting it. But I think it's worth considering at least?

indigo twist

Alternative scenario - you suspect he might have been paying for the room with money given to him by his parents ... instead, could it be that he's actually subletting the room and paying for his rent with the rental income? If this is the case, I'd be p*ssed off with him that he's not just being upfront with you about it, but it would potentially explain why he's doing it (i.e. if he's breaking even, or even perhaps making a profit.) Can't really see why he'd be so secretive about it though.

dory

SOunds like he's just terrible with money, and very bad at getting around to things (like job applications). He needs to grow up, and with you and his parents around he may not.

So in short, yes, this immaturity would be a deal breaker for me.

woodchuck

indigo twist wrote: »

Thanks for clarifying ... and to be perfectly honest, if that was my long-term partner, the waste of money would make me feel quite murderous too, to be honest!

I hate to suggest this, but one possible scenario that comes to mind is that he is seeing someone else in the area and she comes to that place he's renting? The whole thing seems so senseless. There must be a reason he's been continuing to rent the place. There must be a reason his mother was suspicious that he might be (I'm thinking she's well aware he spends time away from home when she knows he's not with you?) There must be a reason he's been lying to you about it, and staying with you at your parents' house rather than bringing you there. I could be completely wrong, and if so, I'm sorry for suggesting it. But I think it's worth considering at least?

I have to say, this is the first thing that popped in my mind too. Or did he just want it as a place to go to get away from his parents every once in a while? Or was he literally just too lazy to box up his stuff and get someone else to move in?

From the way you describe him (and I know it's only one part of him) the immaturity and his attitude would be an issue for me. I really wouldn't want to feel like anyones mother...

Mr. Incognito

His money. He can spend it on what he likes.

When its joint money you have a say.

He earns it. If he wants to spent it on balloons for example thats his business.

LegacyUser

Your boyfriend sounds very immature. Despite being in his mid to late 20's and working he is getting money from his parents. You had to hound him to apply for a job that he told you he wanted. He then wastes thousands of euro paying rent in a place he no longer lives in but meanwhile he had not got €25 to pay for your birthday lunch. He lied to you over this and does not want to talk about anything difficult.
Meanwhile you moved to another part of the country for work and shortly you hope to move back to the area he lives in. After a few years of being together you hoped to move in with him and long term hoped to get married.

I have to be honest here I would end this relationship. Your boyfriend likes having you in his life but is showing you no consideration. The rent he paid could have been put towards savings. He expects his parents to bale him out when he runs short of money.
He is unwilling to grow up and has lied to you. You are more like his mother than his girlfriend. I know it is not easy to end a long relationship but you have to consider your own life and what you want long term - marriage and children.

Your mother or friends might have noticed a few things about him but no one wants to tell a daughter or friend I don't like you boyfriend or I have noticed x or y about him.
I know it is hard for you at the moment but it is better that you found this about him now rather than later.
What would happen in the future if his parents could not bale him out?
What would happen if either of you lost your jobs? What would happen if you had a sick child and had to live on his salary?
Some times things happen for a reason which is not clear but it is only a few months or years later that you realise that x happened to bring you to a better place or person.

Lalealynn

Notloggedin wrote: »

Hi, op here.

Thanks for your reply. His mother actually asked me if he was spending money on it, because she was concerned that's where the money was going so I doubt they gave him money to spend on it. Without directly saying what it was, I suppose it would be like optionally (no contract or anything) spending thousands on gym membership in Galway while living in Belfast and never once using or intending to use it. Hope that clarifies a bit. Literally gets no benefit from it.

That's bizarre. My gym membership is a few hundred a year, I pay it and obviously it's in Dublin. Why on earth would he do that? It seems sort of like compulsive spending?

And whole rent issue seems very well 'odd'.

'This from the guy who made me pay for my own birthday lunch (which at the time I had no problem doing because I thought money was really tight, but petty as it sounds it's a bit hurtful now when I consider lunch cost €25 and he was spending hundreds of times that renting a place he wasn't using'.

That's awful I can well understand you being very hurt. I think the whole picture seems to depict someone who is very selfish and whilst seems loose with money is actually very stingy. He wastes it on himself or on nothing and simply throws it away. But he does not enjoy treating you to a birthday lunch? He actually seems selfish. Some people can harness that into making it work for them by being careful with money. He seems a little nuts.

R.D. aka MR.D

I hate to say it but i'm with the other posters in asking you, are you sure that he didn't have some one else on the go?

In my opinion, it's very important to have a partner who has the same attitude to money as you. If you don't then you end up fighting with them.
For example, my current OH is really careful with money and while that can b e annoying sometimes it is better than my ex. If i say to current OH, no i don't want to do that because it's too expensive. I have the money, he has the money but he just accepts that I don't want to spend it. With my ex, he would guilt me into things. I'd be lending him money and began to resent that. Or I would be over spending to keep him happy.

Now to the issue that is 100% a deal-breaker: lying.

You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who respects you enough to tell you the truth. I see lies as someone thinking that you are stupid enough to believe them and that's not someone that you want to be in a romantic relationship with.

Faith

Something really doesn't add up here, OP. Nobody forgets to move out. Nobody pays thousands on a place they're not using. I can't imagine anyone just walking away from a pile of their possessions and basically paying astronomical amounts for storage and occasional access. He's either using the place, or he has serious issues.

There's a reason he kept on that rental. Something very suspicious is happening.

Whatever is it, I wouldn't trust this guy as far as you could throw him.

doubter

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

His money. He can spend it on what he likes.

When its joint money you have a say.

He earns it. If he wants to spent it on balloons for example thats his business.

Fully agree. His money. No one elses.
If he wants to burn it in the fireplace it's his business.
What you think about that is your issue.If YOU can not live with that behavior. leave him. You're his GF, not his mum and have no right to call him out on it.
If I were him i'd be pretty annoyed with you getting involved in what he does with his money in the first place

Emme

doubter wrote: »

Fully agree. His money. No one elses.
If he wants to burn it in the fireplace it's his business.
What you think about that is your issue.If YOU can not live with that behavior. leave him. You're his GF, not his mum and have no right to call him out on it.
If I were him i'd be pretty annoyed with you getting involved in what he does with his money in the first place

I agree BUT I think he is not being entirely honest with the OP. Why did he have to move across the country to get a job? Does he want to end the relationship and hasn't got the cojones to tell the OP to her face?

Perhaps the OP has invested more emotionally in this relationship than her boyfriend. Maybe he's not as committed to her as she thinks. He can spend his money on whatever he likes but his dishonesty would be a deal breaker for me.

ManOfMystery

If it walks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck ...................... it's probably a duck.

OP, you really need to open your eyes here. Nobody spends thousands on a rental property they don't use, especially when hit badly by the economic collapse. Add in the fact that he kept very quiet about it, then lied about it, took money from his parents and wasn't honest with them about it either, etc.

He's up to something. Could be an affair, or he could be growing weed there, or he could be giving Yoga lessons. None of us know, but it is all very, very suspicious.

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here.

Thanks for all the replies. They've helped put my own feelings in a broader context I suppose and I guess it's been easier to think a bit more clearly.

To those who said it's his own money and he can do with it as he pleases, I guess you're right (I'm hoping it's his own money he spent and not his parents' money, but I doubt I'll ever actually know). I don't get to say what he does or doesn't spend it on. It does, however, give me some insight into how he manages money and without intending to, it does affect my opinion of him. Looking purely at the money side of it, knowing how reckless he can be with quite a lot of money, I could never have a joint bank account with him. I could never trust to allow the bills to be paid out of his bank account. But you're right in that it is his business and I've actually come to the conclusion that the money itself doesn't bother me so much - it's gone and not coming back so why stress over it.

What I have realized is that the lying really is a big issue for me. I don't believe he's been cheating on me, I really truthfully don't. I think he was overwhelmed and weird as it sounds, was burying his head and the money was easy come, easy go, so it was easier to let it go on rent than to move out. Knowing him I think it's beyond his ability to be unfaithful. But even still, the trust is really gone. It seemed to be news to him that lying to your girlfriend over a period of months is unacceptable and so I don't think he will change his ways on that. So with the trust gone, the relationship is over I guess. I can't see how trust can be rebuilt when one partner fundamentally doesn't have a problem lying to the other partner.

Sad times. Thanks for the replies, they've all been very helpful.

Wompa1

Either he was up to something....or he wasn't and he was just scared to tell you. Either way, both of yee are probably better off without each other.

I'd also be in the school of thought that it's his money and he can do what he wants.