your opinions please girls?

afterglow

Hi Ladies

First time poster here in this forum

just wanted your opinions on the following.
Went out to a friend's place last night, we were meeting up with a mutual friend who doesn't have many friends of his own so we didn't want to cancel on him despite the weather last night.
I made a decision last night not to drink, I just wasn't in the humour.
At the beginning of the night, she was putting pressure on me to drink, and then said something about vodka. I said maybe in a while but this was only to appease the situation. I had no intention of drinking.
A while after, she was getting me a drink of the soft drink i had, and I could hear her opening what sounded like a bottle of alcohol being open (I can't see so i couldn't be sure till she handed it to me)
When I tasted it, I knew there was vodka straight away. I lost my cool with her, she was drunk so she gave me a drunk hug and apologised, had to stay there a good while afterwards not to be rude to the other guy there. Herself and my oh get on well two which makes things awkward as well.
Today she just text a normal text to which i didn't reply. She tried to call a few times then later on, and i text her saying i needed time to calm down that i was annoyed about what happened with the vodka and she's pissed off now that i'm annoyed about it.
Something fairly big happened recently enough two which made me question our friendship but i was trying to get over that and was doing a fairly good job, and then this happens? It's just like crap on top of more crap.
What do you all think? Am I over reacting or am I right to be annoyed?

Neyite

Nope. You were dead right to be annoyed. She spiked your drink. If there were other things she has done that you don't like too then it's time to reconsider a friendship where your wishes are ignored.

It was done to me once and like that I noticed with the very first sip, and handed it straight back. I got an instant apology though so that diffused the situation and we didn't fall out.

Links234

Too right you're annoyed, that was a breach of your trust!

afterglow

Hi
Thanks for your replies.
@Links234 i think that's what i'm most annoyed about, that she couldn't just respect my decision, I just don't see that sort of thing as a joke as she seems to.

RacoonQueen

You're dead right - it is your choice what you do and not drink. She has no right to decide you're going to have alcohol just because she wants you to. What exactly is she annoyed about?!

afterglow

that i'm pissed off with her. She thinks it was all just a big joke and that i should just get over myself. i'm so mad i don't even want to talk to her. i actually wouldn't ever care if i never talked to her again at this moment. I'm so sad because she was a good friend but this along with other stuff is just making me think that now maybe two much has happened

WesternNight

As far as I know it's actually illegal to spike a drink in Ireland, so your friend has committed a crime as well as proven that she's not actually your friend.

If someone did that to me I'd make it my business never to have anything to do with them again. You're definitely not over-reacting by being annoyed.

afterglow

it is good to get people's perspectives. And nice to know that i am not crazy

Neyite

afterglow wrote: »

that i'm pissed off with her. She thinks it was all just a big joke and that i should just get over myself.

That's just her being defensive and attempting to deflect it back on you. Classic move of manipulative people when they offend and a way of trying to turn it around to be the victim herself. A way of avoiding admitting being wrong or apologising, and making it all about her instead of you.

Rosie Rant

You may have had a good friendship with this girl once but now it seems to have turned into something poisonous. You say she did something like this before. Don't let it go this time. You don't want to let it go on and on until she does more and more damage. I'm speaking from experience here. I let a "friend" do and say damaging things for way too long, always forgiving her when I shouldn't have . And I can't believe she actually spiked your drink! I wouldn't be able to forgive that.

iuil1999

You're dead right to be annoyed. Why did it bother her so much that you weren't drinking? She sounds like a right idiot.

XxMCRxBabyxX

If a 'friend' did that to me I'd be furious, particularly if they had the gall to then act like I was the problem and not even apologise! The others are right, that person isn't a friend, not now. Spiking a person's drink is not a joke. It's your personal choice not to drink and for all she knew there may have been other, private reasons that you weren't drinking.

woodchuck

Just going to play devils advocate here...

afterglow wrote: »

Hi Ladies

First time poster here in this forum

just wanted your opinions on the following.
Went out to a friend's place last night, we were meeting up with a mutual friend who doesn't have many friends of his own so we didn't want to cancel on him despite the weather last night.
I made a decision last night not to drink, I just wasn't in the humour.
At the beginning of the night, she was putting pressure on me to drink, and then said something about vodka. I said maybe in a while but this was only to appease the situation. I had no intention of drinking.
A while after, she was getting me a drink of the soft drink i had, and I could hear her opening what sounded like a bottle of alcohol being open (I can't see so i couldn't be sure till she handed it to me)
When I tasted it, I knew there was vodka straight away. I lost my cool with her, she was drunk so she gave me a drunk hug and apologised, had to stay there a good while afterwards not to be rude to the other guy there. Herself and my oh get on well two which makes things awkward as well.
Today she just text a normal text to which i didn't reply. She tried to call a few times then later on, and i text her saying i needed time to calm down that i was annoyed about what happened with the vodka and she's pissed off now that i'm annoyed about it.
Something fairly big happened recently enough two which made me question our friendship but i was trying to get over that and was doing a fairly good job, and then this happens? It's just like crap on top of more crap.
What do you all think? Am I over reacting or am I right to be annoyed?

Based on the text highlighted above, there could've been a genuine miscommunication? Even though you had no intention of drinking, your friend didn't seem to have any way of knowing this since you told her maybe you would.

I still think it's not right that someone would give you an alcoholic drink without asking you, but it's not as if you couldn't taste it and refuse it when she gave it to you. It just sounds like a drunken mistake on the part of your friend and possibly a miscommunication on your part also. I rarely drink myself, so if I don't intend to drink I just say it outright... none of this 'maybe later' stuff as people then just assume I will be at some point (most people don't care, but there can be certain aquintances who aren't comfortable with someone not drinking when everyone else is).

This alone would not be a big deal to me. But it sounds like there's a lot more going on than this, and this may just be the straw that broke the camels back?

we'llallhavetea

honestly, i wouldnt be mad. you're mad at her for something that happened previously, so anything she does wrong will piss you off ten fold. just my opinion but i wouldnt give a sh!te if a friend gave me a drink that had alcohol in it that i hadnt asked for. just wouldnt drink it if i didnt want to.

Lalealynn

No she sounds like a trouble maker.

GLaDOS

From a practical point of view, what if you had been on medication or had to drive and didn't realise she had given you alcohol? Giving someone a drug without their knowledge and permission is a massive deal.

woodchuck

ScienceNerd wrote: »

From a practical point of view, what if you had been on medication or had to drive and didn't realise she had given you alcohol? Giving someone a drug without their knowledge and permission is a massive deal.

But her friend asked if she'd be drinking, and she said she might in a while. It would be different if she had actually said no. Also it sounds like she put vodka into a mineral? There's a huge difference in taste and smell of a coke vs a vodka and coke. There is no way you wouldn't immediately know what you'd been given (and the OP said she did know right away).

I'm sorry, but I think think people are taking this to extremes. If someone gives me an alcoholic drink at a party, I can tell immediately it's alcohol and just say no thanks. It's not a big deal... I'd be a little miffed if I said I wasn't drinking and they gave it to me anyway, that's not even what happened in this situation. The OP said she might drink in a while, and a while later her friend gave her a drink

There are obviously other issues going on in the friendship though, but this particularly situation is being blown out of proportion imho.

GLaDOS

woodchuck wrote: »

But her friend asked if she'd be drinking, and she said she might in a while. It would be different if she had actually said no. Also it sounds like she put vodka into a mineral? There's a huge difference in taste and smell of a coke vs a vodka and coke. There is no way you wouldn't immediately know what you'd been given (and the OP said she did know right away).

I'm sorry, but I think think people are taking this to extremes. If someone gives me an alcoholic drink at a party, I can tell immediately it's alcohol and just say no thanks. It's not a big deal... I'd be a little miffed if I said I wasn't drinking and they gave it to me anyway, that's not even what happened in this situation. The OP said she might drink in a while, and a while later her friend gave her a drink

There are obviously other issues going on in the friendship though, but this particularly situation is being blown out of proportion imho.

Loads of people say they might drink in situations they have no intention of drinking in. This is because in Ireland people have a tendency to think you're weird if you're not drinking on a night out, so they say "yeah maybe later" to get people off their backs. It gives nobody permission to slip alcohol into their drink without asking.

The fact that the OP was able to tell there was alcohol in her drink does not excuse the actions of her friend in any way.

XxMCRxBabyxX

woodchuck wrote: »

But her friend asked if she'd be drinking, and she said she might in a while. It would be different if she had actually said no. Also it sounds like she put vodka into a mineral? There's a huge difference in taste and smell of a coke vs a vodka and coke. There is no way you wouldn't immediately know what you'd been given (and the OP said she did know right away).

I'm sorry, but I think think people are taking this to extremes. If someone gives me an alcoholic drink at a party, I can tell immediately it's alcohol and just say no thanks. It's not a big deal... I'd be a little miffed if I said I wasn't drinking and they gave it to me anyway, that's not even what happened in this situation. The OP said she might drink in a while, and a while later her friend gave her a drink

There are obviously other issues going on in the friendship though, but this particularly situation is being blown out of proportion imho.

Except the friend didn't ask if the OP wanted to start drinking she just poured it in. Saying "in a while" doesn't mean the friend can just decide if or when that while is. And saying that she could have tasted that drink isn't any justification.

woodchuck

ScienceNerd wrote: »

Loads of people say they might drink in situations they have no intention of drinking in. This is because in Ireland people have a tendency to think you're weird if you're not drinking on a night out, so they say "yeah maybe later" to get people off their backs. It gives nobody permission to slip alcohol into their drink without asking.

The fact that the OP was able to tell there was alcohol in her drink does not excuse the actions of her friend in any way.

I don't drink, so I'm very upfront about this and actually say NO. If anyone thinks I'm weird for that, they're no friend of mine.

XxMCRxBabyxX wrote: »

Except the friend didn't ask if the OP wanted to start drinking she just poured it in. Saying "in a while" doesn't mean the friend can just decide if or when that while is. And saying that she could have tasted that drink isn't any justification.

I still think it was a miscommunication. Of course her friend should've checked with her before she actually went ahead and put vodka in the drink. But sounds like she was drunk herself and was under the impression that her friend would be up for it as she didn't actually say NO.

Seriously... if you don't want to drink, just say NO. It's not that hard...

XxMCRxBabyxX

woodchuck wrote: »

I don't drink, so I'm very upfront about this and actually say NO. If anyone thinks I'm weird for that, they're no friend of mine.



I still think it was a miscommunication. Of course her friend should've checked with her before she actually went ahead and put vodka in the drink. But sounds like she was drunk herself and was under the impression that her friend would be up for it as she didn't actually say NO.

Seriously... if you don't want to drink, just say NO. It's not that hard...

I don't drink either but do you realise that that makes it easier for people like us to actually be able to come out and say no? Those who normally drink find it more difficult and I do kind of see why because of the culture here. But you can't blame the OP's words. So many people have said "maybe later" as a deflection for no. Sure my parents did it all the time! The OP should still have been able to trust her friend to let her not drink until she specifically asked for a drink.

meeeeh

I would be annoyed too and give out. Then I would get a non alcoholic drink and forgetabout it. Yes she was wrong but you can escalate things as much as you want yourself.

woodchuck

XxMCRxBabyxX wrote: »

I don't drink either but do you realise that that makes it easier for people like us to actually be able to come out and say no? Those who normally drink find it more difficult and I do kind of see why because of the culture here. But you can't blame the OP's words. So many people have said "maybe later" as a deflection for no. Sure my parents did it all the time! The OP should still have been able to trust her friend to let her not drink until she specifically asked for a drink.

I used to drink, so do know what it's like from when I started going off it and some nights I'd have a drink, but other nights I wouldn't. Some people had a hard time accepting it and I'd get a lot of 'why nots'. But at the end of the day, if you don't intend to drink, you really do just have to be up front about it.

I'm still not saying the OPs friend should've done what she did, but I just think people are making a mountain out of a molehill. In her drunken haze she genuinely may have thought her friend was up for it since she said she might in a while.

Neyite

It's a bit of a minefield. Non-drinkers are (mostly) respected for their stance, but its much harder when you do normally drink alcohol to abstain without comment from others.

What if the OP was pregnant and that was her reason for not drinking? I remember it from the first trimester. Luckily I dont drink much so there were few comments when I fobbed off queries saying I was the designated driver or on antibiotics. (but I still got knowing glances and winks so didnt fool anyone:p) My best excuse was actually that I was hungover from a previous night out. If someone had spiked my drink then I'd have been murderous tbh. Imagine the weeks of worry and stress until the first scan (now circa 20 weeks) because you drank unknowingly.

Another point is that measures of alcohol poured at home or a house party tend to be very generous - usually a double or even triple measure. If the OP was driving, that would likely have put her over the limit.

Like most non-drinkers I can immediately taste spirits in a soft drink, but some people genuinely cant, I know loads of people that cant taste vodka in a coke.

If it was a stand-alone spur of the moment prank, I think I'd have let it go if the person was apologetic, but if its the end of a list of things and the OP is getting grief for not being amused then meh, friend is not much of a keeper.

Dark Phoenix

OP were you driving home afterwards? If so I;d be raging with her because if you hadnt spotted there was alcohol in it and had driven home that could have ended in an accident or arrest.

either way i;d be angry that she couldnt accept your opinion. i drink myself but the odd time if I am busy with work I won't drink and I get annoyed if people make comments because my not drinking shouldnt have any bearing on their night out?!

bucketybuck

WesternNight wrote: »

As far as I know it's actually illegal to spike a drink in Ireland, so your friend has committed a crime as well as proven that she's not actually your friend.

She didn't spike a drink so I think this train of thought is unhelpful.

She didn't add vodka to a drink the OP was already consuming, she handed him/her a new drink which was alcoholic. As others have stated, the new drink will clearly be alcoholic from the very first taste, no way could it be mistaken for anything else.

If she had handed him/her a neat whiskey you wouldn't say the drink was spiked, it would just be an alcoholic drink, and its not actually any different for the vodka + soft drink.

pwurple

bucketybuck wrote: »

She didn't spike a drink so I think this train of thought is unhelpful.

By any definition this IS drink spiking.

Drink spiking is when a drug or alcohol is added to a drink without a persons' knowledge.

She did it behind her back, didn't tell her about it, it was without her knowledge.


Really disappointed in some of the 'Ah sure it's ok' resopnses in here. I would be livid. There are so many medicine interactions with alcohol it's not even funny. Someone doesn't need to explain WHY they are not drinking, because they might then be dragged into a discussion on their personal medical history.

bucketybuck

pwurple wrote: »

By any definition this IS drink spiking.

Drink spiking is when a drug or alcohol is added to a drink without a persons' knowledge.

She did it behind her back, didn't tell her about it, it was without her knowledge.

It wasn't added to a drink, it was the drink!

She handed her a vodka+soft drink which the OP tasted and then refused. This is not the same as trying to slip something into a glass that had been left on a table for instance, and it doesn't help matters to pretend that it is.

WesternNight

bucketybuck wrote: »

It wasn't added to a drink, it was the drink!

She handed her a vodka+soft drink which the OP tasted and then refused. This is not the same as trying to slip something into a glass that had been left on a table for instance, and it doesn't help matters to pretend that it is.

Well, actually...

A while after, she was getting me a drink of the soft drink i had, and I could hear her opening what sounded like a bottle of alcohol being open (I can't see so i couldn't be sure till she handed it to me)

She spiked the drink.

Mind you, it wouldn't have mattered whether she ordered an alcoholic drink or spiked it herself. She did not tell the OP that it was alcoholic and she allowed her to drink it.

pwurple

bucketybuck wrote: »

It wasn't added to a drink, it was the drink!

She ADDED vodka to a drink for the OP.

She didn't hand her a vodka and coke, she handed her a coke, that she had snuck vodka into... and didn't tell her about.

It doesn't matter where it was sitting. Bartenders can spike drink the same way.

afterglow

Hi all
Thanks so much for all your replies and various points of view on this thread.
I am also quite shocked at the opinion of some that it was ok for this girl to do what she did, but I think it's because we as irish people are nearly immune to drink now, and that's why we are expected to see this as a non issue, but i'm glad some saw my side of the argument.
I have texted her now and I suppose I will try patch things up, but tbh it wouldn't bother me if i never did.
Just to clear something up, not that it's really important, it was flavoured water, not coke, so potentially the vodka could have been harder to spot. In response to neyitte, I wasn't driving home, because I'm visually impaired, and so is she, but to be honest, this kind of makes it even worse if you ask me, as she has not always been VI herself, so should know only two well the possibility of getting disorientated etc due to not being able to see where one is gong etc.
Anyway thanks again

woodchuck

afterglow wrote: »

Hi all
Thanks so much for all your replies and various points of view on this thread.
I am also quite shocked at the opinion of some that it was ok for this girl to do what she did, but I think it's because we as irish people are nearly immune to drink now, and that's why we are expected to see this as a non issue, but i'm glad some saw my side of the argument.
I have texted her now and I suppose I will try patch things up, but tbh it wouldn't bother me if i never did.
Just to clear something up, not that it's really important, it was flavoured water, not coke, so potentially the vodka could have been harder to spot. In response to neyitte, I wasn't driving home, because I'm visually impaired, and so is she, but to be honest, this kind of makes it even worse if you ask me, as she has not always been VI herself, so should know only two well the possibility of getting disorientated etc due to not being able to see where one is gong etc.
Anyway thanks again

I'd just like to point out that I never said what she did was ok. But that there could have been a miscommunication since you said to her you might have a drink in a while. Your friend doesn't sound like the best of person, but you did give her the impression that you would be up for having a drink in a while. Again, I'm not saying what she did was ok, but I hope if you take something away from this experience it's that if you don't intend to drink, you should make this clear so that people don't end up handing you an alcoholic beverage.

If you had clearly said no all along then I'd say she was totally in the wrong. But that's not the case and is why I'd presented the other side of the coin (there are always two sides to every story after all). If there are other issues going on in your friendship then fair enough, but I can only comment on the situation presented.

meeeeh

afterglow wrote: »

Hi all
Thanks so much for all your replies and various points of view on this thread.
I am also quite shocked at the opinion of some that it was ok for this girl to do what she did, but I think it's because we as irish people are nearly immune to drink now, and that's why we are expected to see this as a non issue, but i'm glad some saw my side of the argument.
I have texted her now and I suppose I will try patch things up, but tbh it wouldn't bother me if i never did.

My reply has nothing to do with my attitude towards drink. It has to do with the fact that I am easy going and I don't hold grudges. I had plenty of disagreements in my life but I get them resolved and move on. It is clear you don't want to be friends with this girl. So don't. But don't make out of it a week's worth of drama and sulking about something that could be resolved one way or another in one conversation.

afterglow

Your entitled to your opinion but the fact that anyone would condone what happened is not right in my opinion. I am certainly not being dramatic needlessly but like i said, people think differently.

meeeeh

I don't like her actions and I think you are overreacting. That is not the same as condoning something.

skallywag

afterglow wrote: »

... the fact that anyone would condone what happened is not right in my opinion...

Show us where someone has condoned it?

I also think you are overreacting.

pwurple

How is being 'annoyed' with your drink being spiked an overreaction?

If anything it's an underreaction.

meeeeh

pwurple wrote: »

How is being 'annoyed' with your drink being spiked an overreaction?

If anything it's an underreaction.

You can be annoyed for 5 minutes or till she sobers up , talk things through and deal with it(stay friends or not). Or you can ignore phone calls and texts for days and play the 'if you don't know what is wrong I am not telling you' game.

Couch Potatoette

woodchuck wrote: »

...if you don't intend to drink, you should make this clear so that people don't end up handing you an alcoholic beverage.

If you had clearly said no all along then I'd say she was totally in the wrong. But that's not the case and is why I'd presented the other side of the coin (there are always two sides to every story after all). If there are other issues going on in your friendship then fair enough, but I can only comment on the situation presented.

Someone should be allowed to say that they haven't made up their mind yet, and still have the right to make their own decisions without someone deciding for them. You shouldn't have to make it clear for fear that someone might spike your drink!

Even if the op had decided she wasn't going to drink, some people are not as assertive in this situation and find it easier to say that they haven't decided rather than deal with the questions and comments that inevitably follow.

I really hate the pressure put on people to drink on a night out. I can totally empathise with the op as I know all too well the pressure put on me when I decide I don't want to drink for whatever reason. It's as if my not drinking is going to ruin other people's night.

iwantmydinner

meeeeh wrote: »

You can be annoyed for 5 minutes or till she sobers up , talk things through and deal with it(stay friends or not). Or you can ignore phone calls and texts for days and play the 'if you don't know what is wrong I am not telling you' game.

I really don't get how you think your assessment of how long she's allowed to be upset for is the correct one?

meeeeh

iwantmydinner wrote: »

I really don't get how you think your assessment of how long she's allowed to be upset for is the correct one?

She is allowed to be upset for ever but surely I am not the only person here who doesn't do this passive aggressive nonsense of sulking in the corner and ignoring texts or phone calls? She excepted the apology, stayed at the party and then ignored her again the next morning. It's clear she doesn't want to be friends anymore but she is afraid to actually tell her that.