Do i love myself?

vwtsi140

Hi Guys,

31 year old male...Just putting this out there to see what people think....in the last few years, i have met and dated a few women, but for one or reason or another i usually (not always) end up ending the relationship due to a physical flaw i notice in the girl or some other reason....however, now, i feel that part of this "running away" by me may be to do with not fully accepting myself...i am somehow looking for this "perfect" woman, who will compensate for my own flaws and weaknesses and make me feel on top of the world....of course, in my head i know that there is no such thing as a perfection (both in myself and in another person)....but do i accept myself with my flaws and all??....i reckon that if i fully accept myself for who i am , then i will be more accepting of others in my life....and i will be in a better place to love the important people in my life (parents, siblings, close friends and hopefully girlfriend/wife)......

Recently, a friend of mine asked me if i love myself and my initial response was no, i dont love myself....then, though,afterwards, whether it was mature reflection or deflection, i thought of things which showed that i do love myself...being healthy, treating myself,times when i have felt good in myself ....but perhaps also loving oneself is about accepting both the good and bad about oneself....is it normal to say "no" i dont love myself or perhaps not to know??...do people work at having a loving relationship with themselves??...or does ones actions towards oneself say enough about whether one loves oneself?? Is it wrong to want to improve oneself or should we just accept ourselves as we are??

Thanks for reading and i look forward to your responses...

skallywag

vwtsi140 wrote: »

...i usually (not always) end up ending the relationship due to a physical flaw i notice in the girl or some other reason...

Can you give some examples of such 'flaws'?

vwtsi140

My flaws: controlling, jealousy, fear of my own feelings, exagerating to appear impressive to others, seeking perfection in a girl friend (both physically and in her habits)

skallywag

vwtsi140 wrote: »

My flaws: controlling, jealousy, fear of my own feelings, exagerating to appear impressive to others, seeking perfection in a girl friend (both physically and in her habits)

I meant the 'physical flaws' you find in others which causes you to end the relationship.

vwtsi140

Oh, could be anything like normal physical flaws that we all have...like when i am looking for perfection, spotting a flaw is fairly easy

skallywag

Can you give a concrete example?

LegacyUser

I don't think you really needs to state examples of what exact little flaws you mean, because you've already acknowledged that they are only tiny little things of the sort that the majority of people will have, everyone has little flaws. You've already recognized that they are probably not the real reason you're ending things, but more just using them as an excuse to run away from relationships. They are flaws that are so small that you only notices them over time, probably only when you starts looking for excuses to run away.
If OP gives concrete examples and says something minor like tiny bit of cellulite,or a small scar(i have both myself) then he will likely just get a good few people saying that he's so shallow,or telling him that lots of people have these, and he might just start getting criticized for being shallow and mean.I just don't think it serves a purpose because he's looking for advice about other matters relating to how he feels about himself.

In response to some of your questions.
No I don't think it's wrong at all to want to improve oneself. The key word there being oneself. You said two of your flaws are being controlling and jealous, so I would remain mindful of that fact and be sure to never use these traits in a negative way to try to "improve" another person such as a girlfriend.

One way you could improve yourself is by working on your own self esteem. You have great self awareness and seem to easily acknowledge your flaws and the fact that you are in search of a woman who is so perfect they make up for your own flaws.
No woman, no matter how beautiful or flawless will make up for the fact you have a problem with jealousy, controlling, or your exaggerating stories to impress. A flawless person even if they did exist would still not make up for these flaws. These are things that I believe stem from a very low self esteem on your behalf and are things that you need to fix or work on yourself and not rely on them either disappearing or else suddenly being ok to just live with if you find the perfect woman.

There's nothing wrong with having high physical standards in a partner, but like you said yourself everyone will have some tiny flaws. Supermodels, celebrities, literally everyone.
The solution here is not for you to continue your life searching in vain for a person who doesn't exist, but is (like you already correctly assessed yourself) to work on accepting and loving yourself first.

I don't mean you should just accept and be happy with your negative flaws such as jealousy and being controlling, these are things that can and should be worked on either through counselling or other means, but you should look on them as things that you want to change in the spirit of you wanting to improve oneself.

The things you should accept and be proud of are whatever good traits you have (I would put self awareness as one of them), and think of these things to improve your feelings of self worth.

Other than counselling I'm not sure what advice I could give you to work on building your own self esteem, I think some other posters could possibly help you better with advice in that regard, but my advice would be that you stay single until you have started to improve in your own confidence and until you no longer feel that you are just with a woman in order to validate or make up for your own flaws.

Hopefully then you will find some real happiness and acceptance.

vwtsi140

Flaws wrote: »

I don't think you really needs to state examples of what exact little flaws you mean, because you've already acknowledged that they are only tiny little things of the sort that the majority of people will have, everyone has little flaws. You've already recognized that they are probably not the real reason you're ending things, but more just using them as an excuse to run away from relationships. They are flaws that are so small that you only notices them over time, probably only when you starts looking for excuses to run away.
If OP gives concrete examples and says something minor like tiny bit of cellulite,or a small scar(i have both myself) then he will likely just get a good few people saying that he's so shallow,or telling him that lots of people have these, and he might just start getting criticized for being shallow and mean.I just don't think it serves a purpose because he's looking for advice about other matters relating to how he feels about himself.

In response to some of your questions.
No I don't think it's wrong at all to want to improve oneself. The key word there being oneself. You said two of your flaws are being controlling and jealous, so I would remain mindful of that fact and be sure to never use these traits in a negative way to try to "improve" another person such as a girlfriend.

One way you could improve yourself is by working on your own self esteem. You have great self awareness and seem to easily acknowledge your flaws and the fact that you are in search of a woman who is so perfect they make up for your own flaws.
No woman, no matter how beautiful or flawless will make up for the fact you have a problem with jealousy, controlling, or your exaggerating stories to impress. A flawless person even if they did exist would still not make up for these flaws. These are things that I believe stem from a very low self esteem on your behalf and are things that you need to fix or work on yourself and not rely on them either disappearing or else suddenly being ok to just live with if you find the perfect woman.

There's nothing wrong with having high physical standards in a partner, but like you said yourself everyone will have some tiny flaws. Supermodels, celebrities, literally everyone.
The solution here is not for you to continue your life searching in vain for a person who doesn't exist, but is (like you already correctly assessed yourself) to work on accepting and loving yourself first.

I don't mean you should just accept and be happy with your negative flaws such as jealousy and being controlling, these are things that can and should be worked on either through counselling or other means, but you should look on them as things that you want to change in the spirit of you wanting to improve oneself.

The things you should accept and be proud of are whatever good traits you have (I would put self awareness as one of them), and think of these things to improve your feelings of self worth.

Other than counselling I'm not sure what advice I could give you to work on building your own self esteem, I think some other posters could possibly help you better with advice in that regard, but my advice would be that you stay single until you have started to improve in your own confidence and until you no longer feel that you are just with a woman in order to validate or make up for your own flaws.

Hopefully then you will find some real happiness and acceptance.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response....i feel that you have said it all there really..