does he even want to be with me?

Ilikepickles

so, I met this guy over the internet, and we were talking through social network for a little over 10 months. We always said that we wanted to be together but unfortunately couldn't because of personal problems.

in the last month, he has gotten over what what stopping us and we got together. We met up once, but since then, he's cancelled on me 4 times, 3 of the times he said it was work related and one he said he was just too tired to do anything after being busy with stuff in the days prior.

I haven't seen him in almost 4 weeks now and what's upsetting me most is that I'm here, dying to see him and it seems like he would rather do other things than see me, despite talking for the last 10 months about how crap it was that we couldn't be together. I'm just confused. Does he want to be with me, or not?

Merkin

He sounds like a flake and I'd get very wary of someone who makes crazy declarations when they hadn't even physically met you yet. Cancelling once is fine and life gets in the way sometimes but any more than that and I'd take the hint. I don't think he's interested so I'd just cut my losses and not contact him again.

Stavro Mueller

I think the fact that you've not seen him in four weeks says it all. If I was in his shoes and work was genuinely getting in the way, I'd be pulling out all the stops to see you at other times. I'm a big believer in paying attention to what a person does, not what they say. This guy's ability to talk the talk doesn't match up with his ability to deliver the goods so to speak.

Ilikepickles

Merkin wrote: »

He sounds like a flake and I'd get very wary of someone who makes crazy declarations when they hadn't even physically met you yet. Cancelling once is fine and life gets in the way sometimes but any more than that and I'd take the hint. I don't think he's interested so I'd just cut my losses and not contact him again.

it wasn't just a declaration though. we talked almost every single day for 10 months, including, phone calls, skype, texting and webcams. we grew so close, even though we'd never met. If you've never been in that situation it might be hard to understand.

Stavro Mueller

I'm afraid any online connection you had is meaningless if he's not physically seeing you. I find it hard to believe he couldn't find even a few hours in the last four weeks to see you. Work or no work nobody's ever that busy..

Merkin

I do understand how people can form an attachment online but it's not actually translating to real life. He hasn't bothered to see you in weeks which is not the actions of someone who is keen in pursuing anything with you unfortunately.

miamee

Unless he lives in another country, I can't see what would prevent a coffee date or a quick meet up in 10 months. Regardless, you would think he would be excited about things once his issues were sorted and you finally met up. But now he is coming up with some other reasons not to see you.
As someone has already pointed out, actions speak louder than words and unfortunately saying he wants to be with you doesn't make it true - making an effort to spend time with you does.

Penny Tration

10 months of chatting aside -

In 4 weeks, he can't free up an hour for a coffee?

Unless he's been working 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, he just doesn't want to see you. I know that sounds harsh, but it's the reality, unfortunately.

By the way, I know what you mean about building a connection online. I've done it, for like 2 years.

Then after 2 dates, he stood me up and cut contact. So yup, I know it hurts, but it happens. As someone who's been there - the connection online is nothing like the connection in person, and a connection online doesn't always translate to a connection in person.

Stavro Mueller

Bear in mind also that "busy at work" is a very old and well worn excuse. I also notice you said he seems to be happy to do other things but not see you.

Are you certain he's single? That could be another reason for the cancellations...

Ilikepickles

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Bear in mind also that "busy at work" is a very old and well worn excuse. I also notice you said he seems to be happy to do other things but not see you.

Are you certain he's single? That could be another reason for the cancellations...

fairly certain. considering all the time he's spent talking to me in the last 10 months. If he wasn't single before he got together with me, I highly doubt his girlfriend wouldn't be meeting up with him and letting him spend all that time on skype?

Ilikepickles

Also, the third time he cancelled on me. He said he just hadn't had time to relax because he was so busy. He said this the same day we were ment to go out. Then we spent the rest of the day talking on skype. So him going out with someone else that day couldnt have been the reason

If he could relax online he could have done it in person

Sorry op but through experience i am also about what people do more than what they say. I'd pull back and tell him if he wants to be with you he needs to stop messing you around

Flippyfloppy

My initial gut is that he's just not that into you.

If he says he's too busy to meet, or needs to relax, you need to busy yourself. Don't spend the whole day chatting to him on skype instead!

In fairness you may have spoken online, and in my experience it's certainly possible for both parties to build eachother up while chatting online, interpreting things how they want to etc however you've only met once. He doesn't sound like the great guy you thought he was. And this guy isn't treating you right, he just sounds like he's stringing you along.

Mr. Incognito

Um, am I the only one thinking he is married or in a relationship and is stringing you along?

Ilikepickles

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Um, am I the only one thinking he is married or in a relationship and is stringing you along?

hes not

njs030

You seem very very sure about the relationship status of a man you've met once. Wives and girlfriends go out you know! It's only a possibility.

Anyway, he's just not that into you op. It looks like he enjoys your attention but doesn't want to make any effort. Maybe you should be busy yourself for a while and not keep giving him the attention?

It's horrible when that happens. Try not to dwell on it too much.

thefeatheredcat

OP I'd have to agree with everyone else here...
But I'd have to add that perhaps in the 10 months you were his crutch during the time he was sorting out his difficulties and now that he has those problems sorted out, he is spending his time differently, meeting new people instead of arranging time online with you (or just happen to be online and you change which platform you use to communicate) and able to box you and the time spent online with you, the closeness with you as part and parcel of him sorting through his issues and no longer necessary now he has sorted things out?

It's not a pleasant thought but maybe you were just part of the sorting out himself process and that's all because it was 10 months online only without ever transferring that friendship offline at any point, and only once meeting up after he had sorted himself out.

Regardless, he has proven unreliable in cancelling on you so many times there is a limit to how many times that is acceptable from a friendship or potential relationship. He would make the time if he valued you, you've only met the once, doesn't sound like you have maintained the pre meeting up communication at all and doesn't sound like there is any plan from him to make formal arrangements to meet up in the near future. I'd say move on and cut your losses.

m'lady

Ilikepickles wrote: »

Also, the third time he cancelled on me. He said he just hadn't had time to relax because he was so busy. He said this the same day we were ment to go out. Then we spent the rest of the day talking on skype. So him going out with someone else that day couldnt have been the reason

Basically he wasn't arsed meeting up as it was too much effort, but could Skype you? Sorry OP I'd walk away before you get in deeper than you already are, I'm not trying to be nasty but he's just using you to entertain him when he's bored at home, but doesn't want to invest any effort into you. You deserve much, much more.

Ilikepickles

just letting everyone know .... since I posted this we have arranged to go out again tomorrow, so we'll see what happens. Also, in reply to "notjustsweet" .... yes, wives and girlfriends go out, but they couldnt not be around for that much time. Literally, for those ten months we talked every single day except for the odd time, but even then, he'd text me and let me know that he wouldn't be able to talk to me properly. I truly believe he's not in a relationship with anyone besides me.

m'lady

Ilikepickles wrote: »

just letting everyone know .... since I posted this we have arranged to go out again tomorrow, so we'll see what happens. Also, in reply to "notjustsweet" .... yes, wives and girlfriends go out, but they couldnt not be around for that much time. Literally, for those ten months we talked every single day except for the odd time, but even then, he'd text me and let me know that he wouldn't be able to talk to me properly. I truly believe he's not in a relationship with anyone besides me.

You truly believe your in a relationship with a guy you met once OP, you need to seriously reassess this situation.. Just wondering, roughly what age are you?

I think another poster possibly hit the nail on the head, you've been there for him while he was going through some issues, he possibly depended on you for some sort of support (albeit online), and now he's over that he's not that keen in being involved with you.

Don't drag this out OP, you will be the one hurt and having wasted nearly a year on this guy do you really want to waste another one?

Ilikepickles

m'lady wrote: »

You truly believe your in a relationship with a guy you met once OP, you need to seriously reassess this situation.. Just wondering, roughly what age are you?

no disrespect, but would prefer not to say

m'lady

Ilikepickles wrote: »

no disrespect, but would prefer not to say

No problem. For the record I like many others understand ( and have been there) how you can develop some sort of ' relationship' online, but they normally progress into a proper relationship- yours hasn't, and you need to see that and ask yourself why?

LegacyUser

green_screen wrote: »

10 months of chatting aside -

In 4 weeks, he can't free up an hour for a coffee?

Unless he's been working 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, he just doesn't want to see you. I know that sounds harsh, but it's the reality, unfortunately.

By the way, I know what you mean about building a connection online. I've done it, for like 2 years.

Then after 2 dates, he stood me up and cut contact. So yup, I know it hurts, but it happens. As someone who's been there - the connection online is nothing like the connection in person, and a connection online doesn't always translate to a connection in person.

+1 on this post, especially the last two paragraphs. I was very close to someone who I met through Boards itself. I spent the guts of two years chatting to them day in and day out and when we met it just didn't work - even though we were only friends, we did not click at all. It's easy to create a specific persona online, you never really know someone until you've met them in person and have spent a considerable amount of time in their company.

I wouldn't bother with him OP, he doesn't seem to be showing you much respect anyway.

Ilikepickles

some of you are assuming he had "issues" and I was a crutch for him to lean on? ..... Im not going to say exactly what the reason for him not meeting up sooner was, but it wasnt anything to do with him just having issues he needed to sort out.

also, the problem is still there, he has just come to not care about it I suppose. Cant understand what other reason he would have to change his mind, other than the fact he wanted to be with me?

m'lady

Ilikepickles wrote: »

some of you are assuming he had "issues" and I was a crutch for him to lean on? ..... Im not going to say exactly what the reason for him not meeting up sooner was, but it wasnt anything to do with him just having issues he needed to sort out.

also, the problem is still there, he has just come to not care about it I suppose. Cant understand what other reason he would have to change his mind, other than the fact he wanted to be with me?

If he wanted to be with you then he'd be meeting up with you - end of.

MaroonAndGreen

I know you dont want to say your age, but to me it looks like a situation of having your first love clouding your judgement....

Ilikepickles

m'lady wrote: »

If he wanted to be with you then he'd be meeting up with you - end of.

age difference. Also his family/friends not approving.... He got over it though ....... if he didn't want to be with me, why put his relationship with his family and friends at risk ?????

m'lady

Ilikepickles wrote: »

age difference. Also his family/friends not approving.... He got over it though ....... if he didn't want to be with me, why put his relationship with his family and friends at risk ?????

Sounds like he hasn't put anything at risk at all when he's only met you once and will chat on Skype to you after cancelling an arrangement to meet. I'll take a guess that you are a lot younger OP, and I really think you need to be careful here.

Ilikepickles

m'lady wrote: »

Sounds like he hasn't put anything at risk at all when he's only met you once and will chat on Skype to you after cancelling an arrangement to meet. I'll take a guess that you are a lot younger OP, and I really think you need to be careful here.

we've arranged to meet up again since I posted this. I mean, it is quite possible that things just popped up at the wrong time right?? ...... and I don't need to be careful

MaroonAndGreen

Ilikepickles wrote: »

age difference. Also his family/friends not approving.... He got over it though ....... if he didn't want to be with me, why put his relationship with his family and friends at risk ?????

I dont want to be truthful if im honest because you wont like it... But I have to...

This guy is using you as an ego boost. Plain and simple. Thats why hes not let you go.

He likes you alright, but hes not into you enough to be with you, but cant bring himself to let you go because he loves and craves the crazy attention he gets from you.

I am so so sure thats whats happening here. 110%.

You probably wont realise til you look back after your infatuation with him passes, but that is whats happening.

CollyFlower

I don't want to give you false-hope OP, it seems he may have some feelings for you but on the other hand he's been brushing you off with excuses..... My advice would be to stop all contact and let him peruse you... then, Ignore all his correspondences!

Ilikepickles

MaroonAndGreen wrote: »

I dont want to be truthful if im honest because you wont like it... But I have to...

This guy is using you as an ego boost. Plain and simple. Thats why hes not let you go.

He likes you alright, but hes not into you enough to be with you, but cant bring himself to let you go because he loves and craves the crazy attention he gets from you.

I am so so sure thats whats happening here. 110%.

You probably wont realise til you look back after your infatuation with him passes, but that is whats happening.

and that's why he had a conversation with his best friend to try to make him understand what was happening with us to try to get him to approve so we could actually be together is it?? after the talk tho he still didnt approve, but he met up with me n said we could go out anyways, that doesnt sound like Im just an ego boost to me?

njs030

Ilikepickles wrote: »

age difference. Also his family/friends not approving.... He got over it though ....... if he didn't want to be with me, why put his relationship with his family and friends at risk ?????

Op you came on to ask for advice and have disagreed with every post as far as I can see.
Hopefully you're right and he doesn't gave a wife or girlfriend.

BUT if someone wants to be with you they will make damn sure it happens. Actually most people would think spending time with someone they really like is a good way to relax and unwind....it wouldn't be an excuse to avoid them.

You sound young and inexperienced, probably fairly young if he had to think about dating you for 10 months. That's not how you deserve to be treated- I hope you take some of the comments on board.


Edit - I've just seen your post about his friend disapproving of the age difference. Please please please be careful and keep a distance. If he likes you that much he will understand.

Ilikepickles

CollyFlower wrote: »

I don't want to give you false-hope OP, it seems he may have some feelings for you but on the other hand he's been brushing you off with excuses..... My advice would be to stop all contact and let him peruse you... then, Ignore all his correspondences!

I NEVER text him first ... he texts me first when he's online every day .... so, if I let him pursue me ... he will ... I left myself logged in by accident once when I was out, he thought I was ignoring him and had more messages then usual when I came home... so that isnt going to do much good

Lalealynn

Ilikepickles wrote: »

age difference. Also his family/friends not approving.... He got over it though ....... if he didn't want to be with me, why put his relationship with his family and friends at risk ?????

You are not underage are you?

Or is he much older? And you are youngish?

MaroonAndGreen

Ilikepickles wrote: »

and that's why he had a conversation with his best friend to try to make him understand what was happening with us to try to get him to approve so we could actually be together is it?? after the talk tho he still didnt approve, but he met up with me n said we could go out anyways, that doesnt sound like Im just an ego boost to me?

Its all going to end in tears OP. Sorry but honesty is the best policy here. You can cut contact now and have the tears now or you can waste more months/years with this guy and have the tears then..

Hes not as into you as you think. You have become a habit for him that hes finding hard to let go. Not doubting that ye have a great connection, but its not love. If it was then he'd be making every effort to see you as often as possible.

Hes got you wrapped round his finger. Hes probably not even intentionally doing it, but hes treating you terribly.

This guy has got his own social problems IMO.

CollyFlower

I cant think why he'd avoid meeting you again so..... What sort of a job has he got that he cant make time to see you? .

Ilikepickles

CollyFlower wrote: »

I cant think why he'd avoid meeting you again so..... What sort of a job has he got that he cant make time to see you? .

he's in film school, so sometimes gets called to work on sets and act in short films or sometimes proper films, work on music videos, etc

njs030

Ilikepickles wrote: »

he's in film school, so sometimes gets called to work on sets and act in short films or sometimes proper films, work on music videos, etc

He's in college? So early 20's? Yet the age difference is so large that his family and friends would disapprove?
So you're underage.

Ilikepickles

... you can be in college at any age .. he didnt go to college straight from secondary school .... dont be so quick to judge and say Im underage ..

Lalealynn

Ilikepickles wrote: »

... you can be in college at any age .. he didnt go to college straight from secondary school .... dont be so quick to judge and say Im underage ..

What age are you?
And what age is he?

njs030

Ilikepickles wrote: »

... you can be in college at any age .. he didnt go to college straight from secondary school .... dont be so quick to judge and say Im underage ..

That's true. Though it's odd you haven't denied being underage. And won't say what age you are.

I know you think it doesn't matter but it does, if you're so young that people judge the relationship then it's not a good situation when he's not treating you very well either.

Lalealynn

notjustsweet wrote: »

That's true. Though it's odd you haven't denied being underage. And won't say what age you are.

I know you think it doesn't matter but it does, if you're so young that people judge the relationship then it's not a good situation when he's not treating you very well either.

Also if she were only 18 and he were lets say 27 that is a huge emotional gap and the OP can be vulnerable.
Ok from what I gather he is in college. They age gap is large enough for people to object.

He has been talking online to you for ages. But he keeps saying why he can't be with you. He meets you and then keeps saying how busy he is.

OP you are being played I think. He is setting you up.

OP just to say if you are underage he is playing with your head to get you to do what he wants.

Lalealynn

Ilikepickles wrote: »

I NEVER text him first ... he texts me first when he's online every day .... so, if I let him pursue me ... he will ... I left myself logged in by accident once when I was out, he thought I was ignoring him and had more messages then usual when I came home... so that isnt going to do much good

This is very disturbing. I don't like where this thread is going.

Ilikepickles

Lalealynn wrote: »

This is very disturbing. I don't like where this thread is going.

and I dont like what you're implying. Anyway, I think I'll close this thread now and see what happens from here. thanks everyone for the comments

Merkin

You need to be careful. You don't seem to have the maturity or experience to appreciate that you could be swimming in dangerous waters. You're clearly infatuated but if you're underage and he is much older this isn't your usual harmless bit of online banter. You can't seem to see that however. Have you a trusted adult you can discuss this with?

Penny Tration

You came here asking if he wants to be with you.

So, that straight away tells us you were in doubt as to wwhether he wanted you or not.

Everyone says 'he's playing you,' and all of a sudden you KNOW he wants to be with you.

Did you actually come here for advice, or to hear people say you're wrong, and that he does want to be with you?

Either way, you sound extremely insecure about him.

And sorry, but an age gap isn't a good enough reason for him to refuse to see you for ten months, unless you're underage.

If a grown man can't tell his family to feck off, and date another adult because mammy and daddy will disapprove, it's pretty much telling you that their demands will always over ride your needs.

Neyite

When one thing doesnt add up, we might overlook it, but when there are several, then red flags appear.

The thing is, you cannot say for certain that he is not in a relationship. He might work away from Mon-Fri, or his partner might work nightshifts, therefore allowing him to chat with you for half the night online freely. Many couples even choose to sleep separately but still maintain a full intimate relationship. So, unless you have met his friends several times, have stayed in his house, maybe even met family, you cant say for certain that he is not in a relationship.

thefeatheredcat

Ilikepickles wrote: »

he's cancelled on me 4 times, 3 of the times he said it was work related and one he said he was just too tired to do anything after being busy with stuff in the days prior.

I haven't seen him in almost 4 weeks now and what's upsetting me most is that I'm here, dying to see him and it seems like he would rather do other things than see me, despite talking for the last 10 months about how crap it was that we couldn't be together. I'm just confused. Does he want to be with me, or not?

OP to go back to your original post..... a guy who you have invested 10 months of time with online, have met up once with, is leaving you in the position of confusion and insecurity and questioning your self worth. A guy who does that is really not worth a lot, because his behaviour is having an impact and effect on you, that could become an incredibly negative impact on you with consequences for your self esteem, your mental health and your emotional well being. You don't sound like you are being valued, despite the 10 months of communication online, if the personal problem was about an age difference and seeking approval from friends or trying to convince his best friend that it's ok, then why is he still hiding you, hiding your communication on the online platform rather than out in plain view for all the world to see?
OP I am also someone who has had a few friendships and relationships online and I'd be worried for you, not just because my experiences were bad, but because you are unwilling it seems to take on board what posters here are saying. There are a lot of red flags, not just the situation and perhaps maybe the inappropriate online contact between what may be an adult and a minor, or where there is an age gap of someone in their 30s-40s and someone barely 20 but his behaviour towards you, and his change of behaviour towards you since you met, and how it is leaving you feel, leaving you confused and unsure of what is going on or where things are going, and the likelihood that this isn't actually Prince Charming at all but someone who is treating you badly and a lot less than what you deserve.
Be very, very careful OP because I think that you are going to get very hurt and messed around a lot more than you are already. And I actually do think that even if you're not a minor, you still should take into confidence a friend or relative about this situation who can be there for you whatever happens next.

Neyite

Ilikepickles wrote: »

and I dont like what you're implying. Anyway, I think I'll close this thread now and see what happens from here. thanks everyone for the comments

Mod Note:
Closing at OP's Request