Life in a tizzy, need massive change

Ignition2

Not really sure what forum this truely belongs to, but I'm looking for a general onlook to my problems so I'll nest it here. Feel free to move where fits but I've had help in this forum before so here goes.

In brief, I'm a primary school teacher in my early 20s. I'm also gay and because these two don't exactly go hand in hand I've had bouts of depression since leaving college which I attribute to work related things. It doesn't help a huge contingent of my family work in the area and it gets very competetive and things get thrown in your face about how you've only achieved X/Y/Z because a sibling has done so before you.

I've never really truely wanted to go down this career path (and here we enter the blame game) But at a terribly young age I went with it on the guidance that it's better than an art's degree and I can do whatever I want after my degree.

I went into the job straight away to get probation work done and dusted and to get a little bit of money post college. For a job that is supposedly secure and rewarding, I am getting nothing from it. Right now I am on temp. work and I get anxious constantly, worried and stressed, never want to talk about work ever, and become utterly defeated at the fact I'll never truely be able to be myself due to my sexuality. I know plenty of gay teachers but their hush hush attitude to their lives is something I couldn't handle.

I'm basically answering my own dilemma I know, but I really want some advice on how to cope with all this and in effect, escape. For the past 4 years (7 if you include entry into college), I've been telling myself to go after my real passions, and I've finally had enough/on the verge of total breakdown that I need to do something about it. However whenever I do try and think of new career/education paths, I shut myself down immediately worrying about the cost, time and embarassment it might cause.

Finally family members are beginning to see this upset in me; I've been having nightmare-like mood swings, lost interest in a multitude of things. Sometimes it's as if I want to give up in life; I should be happy, excellent career, which will enable me to have a great standard of living. But I feel so empty.

Does anyone have any experience of a complete change in life? I'm worried that if I try something new it will either blow up in my face or I'll have to resort to going back to this work and have caused major embarassment to myself and my family.

LegacyUser

Have you considered or even looked in to Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)? I found it a useful means of effecting some wholesale changes in my life. Helped a stack.

fits

Look you have the qualification now. You can always fall back on it if necessary. You are still young. So young. What do you really want to do?

750X

Yeah; find what it is that makes you happy - and do it. It's the only way!!

F*** not enjoying work brah! You tell your family...

Hey! Family!! I'm not happy doing what I'm doing! So I'm going to change sh*t around in my life; and imma try and be happy - and if y'all don't like that - well: tough sh*t!

Repeat after me...

Tough sh*t! Imma do my own thing!



Fo' real.

Ignition2

Sometimes it doesn't feel so young but I'm on the right side of 20 so I guess I should cut myself some slack.

Mainly interested in English, so researching journalism. One of my passions was writing (or at least being opinionated enough anyway) but was told before it's not a steady job at all with no security. Now that I have a steady job with some security...well yeah...we know how that went.

But I'm really thinking of giving it a proper go now.

Rubberchikken

You have a permanent job but you're miserable.
You'd like to write, this would make you happy.
You could then feel like being true to your sexuality instead if having to hide it due to being a teacher.

Follow your heart.

lyinghere

Ignition2 wrote: »

Sometimes it doesn't feel so young but I'm on the right side of 20 so I guess I should cut myself some slack.

Mainly interested in English, so researching journalism. One of my passions was writing (or at least being opinionated enough anyway) but was told before it's not a steady job at all with no security. Now that I have a steady job with some security...well yeah...we know how that went.

But I'm really thinking of giving it a proper go now.

Have you considered getting involved with blogging etc and writing articles in your spare time which you could submit to online news websites for consideration. For me it seems like journalism is moving away from requiring only qualified journalists writing news stories. I know people who have had their articles on different news websites such as the journal.ie, their only qualification being writing about what they're passionate about. It could satisfy your urge to write and if successful and good you never know where it may lead.

Lux23

Keep up the day job but start blogging in the evenings/weekends, I studied Journalism and it was a complete waste of time. It's much easier to get into the field by working for free etc.

Semele

lyinghere wrote: »

Have you considered getting involved with blogging etc and writing articles in your spare time which you could submit to online news websites for consideration. For me it seems like journalism is moving away from requiring only qualified journalists writing news stories. I know people who have had their articles on different news websites such as the journal.ie, their only qualification being writing about what they're passionate about. It could satisfy your urge to write and if successful and good you never know where it may lead.

I definitely second this. I know a lot of what you're personally struggling with re: having to conceal your sexuality is very close to home, but it's certainly something that I'd be interested in hearing more about, if you're looking for a topic to start off!

As you say, you're far from the only person in that situation and its a subject that could spark off many important and long-overdue conversations about attitudes to homosexuality in schools. I'm aware of one young guy from my (very rural) hometown who seems to have gone through the same thing and ended up having a breakdown and leaving his job. There's a lot of speculation about what's gone on there and there is this bizarre attitude among locals of feeling bad for him but at the same time not wanting to know too much either, which means that he isn't actually getting meaningful support. It seems like an awfully lonely position to be in and I'm sure many people would identify with someone as articulate as yourself discussing it.

It's not quite the same field, but many of the blogs that I love are written from people working in the mental health field, who talk (often totally anonymously) about their own mental health issues and the interplay between private and professional personas. Now, if you were to do you it would be worth doing a bit of research into being truly anonymous and making sure you never post anything that could be deemed unprofessional/misconduct were you to ever go public, but despite these concerns it looks to me like you already have some very valid things to write about. The act of writing about your experiences may also bring some relief from the stress of secrecy, so killing two birds with one stone!

Ignition2

Thank you for your kind words and advice everyone.

I could say the sexuality part doesn't bother me a whole pile (I am getting comfortable in my own skin) but when you hear fellow teachers talk about how a certain child is "such a fairy" or that a girl is a complete lesbian in the making, it does put a damper on it. And the constant dodging of questions regarding your weekend, if you're seeing anyone etc. means you live a double life.

But I think my problem with the job goes further than that so I'm not focusing totally on that. It's just sadistically ironic that I really only admitted this all whilst in college. Alas, more regret.

Incidently Lux, what college did you go to study Journalism and why was it a waste?

fits

Ignition2 wrote: »

) but when you hear fellow teachers talk about how a certain child is "such a fairy" or that a girl is a complete lesbian in the making, it does put a damper on it.

What????
Pease tell me that doesn't happen? Not professional, or acceptable.

Ignition2

fits wrote: »

What????
Pease tell me that doesn't happen? Not professional, or acceptable.

Well they're just my personal experiences of it. Obviously not painting everyone with the same brush but that kind of workplace especially isn't the most reassuring.

Swoquix

I know this is a long shot, but could you consider maybe getting a job in an Educate Together school rather than a religious one? I know they're only a tiny % of schools, but it might be a way to avoid having to conceal your personal life from your employers.

It's ridiculous that Irish schools are basically exempt from employment equality laws where they conflict with their 'ethos' like this and it leaves lots of people in a very bad position. It's supposed to be a public service and it's paid almost entirely for by public money. This kind of stuff shouldn't be happening!

Ignition2

I've never tried them. I am aware of them and even though the legislation of being fired because of ethos etc.etc. is there, it's hardly to be inforced. It's just the general vibe of schools and parents. Case in point a teacher who has retired has just recently "revealed" she's had a partner for around 35 years. It pained me that only on her retirement could she actually introduce her as her partner instead of best friend.

But moreover, part of me feels the sexuality aspect is only one aspect of a great scheme of combined feelings. For example today I just got nothing from it, worried about my performance but at the same time not looking forward to tomorrow. I know job satisfaction has it's highs and lows, but this has been an ongoing thing really since qualification...:(

SkyBlueClouds

Ignition2 wrote: »

I've never tried them. I am aware of them and even though the legislation of being fired because of ethos etc.etc. is there, it's hardly to be inforced. It's just the general vibe of schools and parents. Case in point a teacher who has retired has just recently "revealed" she's had a partner for around 35 years. It pained me that only on her retirement could she actually introduce her as her partner instead of best friend.

But moreover, part of me feels the sexuality aspect is only one aspect of a great scheme of combined feelings. For example today I just got nothing from it, worried about my performance but at the same time not looking forward to tomorrow. I know job satisfaction has it's highs and lows, but this has been an ongoing thing really since qualification...:(

Life is too short OP. Keep up the day job for the moment but maybe do a bit of research on the side for alternative carearr paths. Start blogging/writing in your spare time - you never know where it could lead you and will help you to hone your passions

Redser87

Have you looked into publishing OP? I know EDCO run an internship every year - you could start in educational publishing and branch out. I must say I've never heard anything like that in staffrooms of Catholic schools I've been in, that's an awful position to be in.
Would you consider applying for a part-time resource job? That way, you would have the security of a job but a bit more time to concentrate on your writing - and more energy to spend on networking.

Ignition2

Just a quick note before bed, thanks so much for everyone taking their time out to reply to me. This kindness really does mean a lot. And all the wonderful suggestions are great. I suffer from a great deal of tunnel vision and seeing things from another perspective is a great relief.

I don't mean to demean the whole education system. Obviously these occurences stick in my mind because they put me down. If I were to list the times I've felt perfectly happy and delighted to talk to co workers it would be endless; it's just the negative ones surely do stick in your mind.