Wedding pressure

fits

Got engaged there recently. Thankfully enjoyed a few months of just being engaged before telling anyone. We decided we wanted a small non-religious wedding. Booked venue and celebrant (far away from home) and then told the parents, and now all hell has broken loose. Both sets of parents disappointed beyond belief its not in a church. Mine also want to invite all the aunts, uncles and some cousins. His want to invite all them plus half the county as well. Tears (theirs) and sleepless nights (mine and his) already. Each family has already had several large weddings.

Why can't we just have the day we want? has anyone fallen out permanently with aunts and uncles for not inviting them? How do we negotiate this?

750X

Head off; get married - come back; humongous party for all: BOOM!

freshpopcorn

This often happens and the bride and grooms parents just come around to the idea in the end.
Often it's hard for them to get there head around the whole thing being against the norm of the big church wedding. They might also be a little embarrassed of having to explain to other relatives that there not invited to the wedding/it's not in a church/etc. Your aunts/uncles might be asking them about the wedding/etc and there assuming there invited.
Just explain to your parents it's what ye want and it's not changing. I know people in ye're position who had a party for relatives a couple of weeks after the wedding.

Laois6556

It's your wedding, they'll just have to accept your wishes. Tell them to stop being so selfish but they can still send on pressies if they like.

fits

freshpopcorn wrote: »

. I know people in ye're position who had a party for relatives a couple of weeks after the wedding.

This is something worth considering.

I thought not having the aunts and uncles (there are a lot of them) might make the non church thing a bit easier for everyone to take. Last thing I want is comments about it on the day as well... for parents sake as well as ours.

fits

Laois6556 wrote: »

Tell them to stop being so selfish but they can still send on pressies if they like.

its not really selfishness. The church thing is concern for us. They just can't imagine a life without the church. The inviting everyone thing is because its how things are done. I guess its their idea of etiquette. They wouldn't enjoy it any more than our way.. probably less.

Buona Fortuna

Hi fits

Its years since I got married (nearly 30) but I recognise the angst .

Tell me who's paying for it?

In our day my wifes parents wanted to pay the whole shabang. When it came to where they wanted it and who was to be invited we said - work away.

Now if we'd have been paying for it, we'd have had where we wanted it and only who we wanted there.

I hope that helps one small bit and I wish you all the very best

Laois6556

fits wrote: »

its not really selfishness. The church thing is concern for us. They just can't imagine a life without the church. The inviting everyone thing is because its how things are done. I guess its their idea of etiquette. They wouldn't enjoy it any more than our way.. probably less.

Whose wedding is it? They don't want you to have the wedding you want but instead for you to have the wedding they want. That's selfishness.
I know it's difficult, people are set in their ways and can't possibly see an alternative to what they've done for years.That's their problem though.
You plan and enjoy the day that you and your partner want to have, invite who you want and have a great time. Then have the party with everyone another time.
The alternative is for you to try to please others, have an awful day and regret it forever.

fits

My parents want to pay for the reception. So originally I gave leeway on the invite list and they just wanted aunts and uncles, happy to leave neighbours, colleagues etc out of it., but now if its going to cause more stress with no church we'd be happy to downsize and pay it ourselves if we have to. His parents have unreasonable expectations about who should be invited imo. Honestly, if we all invited people we know reasonably well it would easily run into three hundred and that's no fun for anyone.

IlmoNT4

Have the wedding you want and have a party for everyone else another day. Lots of people I know have done this and while some parents etc might not have been happy, it was all forgotten about after the event. The trick with these things is to be total upfront with people and not to lie.....

For your parents, aunties, uncles, yes we are getting married but we want a small non religious event, its already booked and that is what we want and we ask that you respect what is important to us as we enter into this next phase of our relationship, however we would love everyone to come and celebrate our marriage with family and friends on X date for a dinner/party whatever.

Stick to what you want, your parents will come round, they love you and they want to see you both happy, dont get railroaded into a big Irish wedding if its not what you want.

Rubberchikken

My brother and his now wife got married in vegas. We were all told in advance.
Few weeks after they came back they had a party in a local bar. Music food dancing.
Everyone happy;)

My advice, for what it's worth, do what suits both of you. Time passes and the people that matter to you will be happy with whatever you decide. Never mind the rest.
Good luck

marco_polo

300 people plus weddings are the most unplesant gathering on earth imo. Stick to your guns op and do what you both want, if the selfish whinging doesn't abate say feic ye none of ye are coming and get married abroad or something like that.
Seen exactly this happen before and people get over it , after all it was not the couple who were being selfish and unreasonable.

(Not saying go straight to the nuclear option or anything like that, but if you are both strong and back each other up, you'll show them you are not for turning or negotiation how you want YOUR special day to happen)

fits

The large after party is a nice option, but also a major expense. And I have an immediate family member abroad who probably couldn't make the two dates. Why is this so difficult!!!

Big Bag of Chips

Just stick to your guns. Even if you do give in and go for the big wedding there will still be someone who's not happy about something. So do what pleases you and your fiancé and everyone else will get over it.

mailforkev

Just remember that it's your wedding. Your parents had the chance to decide on a wedding plan when they got married themselves. This is now your chance and they should let you enjoy it.

We got married last year with a humanist ceremony and invited immediate families (parents & siblings) and friends, around 60 people in all. Our parents were informed of this rather than it being discussed with them. Luckily they were cool with it but a bad reaction wouldn't have changed a thing.

You will have to be financially independent though, if you take someone else's money you are going to have to dance to their tune a bit.

Good luck and stick to your guns. You'll have a great day.

LynnGrace

Congrats, first of all.
As others have said, have your day the way you and your other half want it. I'd say pay for it, yourselves, and then you don't need to feel obliged to anyone. (He/ she who pays the piper calls the tune, or at least they feel they can).
It could be just the initial reaction, on their part, a bit of disappointment, a bit of 'what will X think if we don't have... etc'
When things calm down, maybe have a chat with them. Be calm, and clear, that this is the way the two of you want your day, and this is how it will be.
I worked with someone once, who went away one weekend, and came back married. That didn't please their families either!
Best of luck, enjoy the engagement, and don't let this spoil anything.

Neyite

If you give in about this, the next thing will be them dictating the menu, the music, and so on.

I'm probably facing similar opposition as I want a civil service and the folks would probably want a religious one. I think my own side would come around quite quickly, but the Mother in Law, unlikely. And my partner would tempted to do it her way just for the easy life, so at least you and your partner are on the same page. I was similar until I got a faith lecture and realised that having a wedding in a church to please her was difficult for me and she didnt even acknowledge that. So I changed my mind. But she doesnt know that yet so its all ahead of me.

Would they shut up if you threatened to elope abroad just the two of you?

ZiabR

I just want to echo what most have said already. This is your day and even your parents should respect what you want. I to am engaged and I have told my parents from the get go, I will do the inviting, I don't want them thinking they can invite who they want just to keep up appearances.

You need to explain that you are not willing to bend to their will and will be going ahead with what you have already planned. Sure, it will most likely annoy some people but you can't keep everyone happy in life and they will all get over it.

fits

Neyite wrote: »

I'm probably facing similar opposition as I want a civil service and the folks would probably want a religious one. I think my own side would come around quite quickly, but the Mother in Law, unlikely. And my partner would tempted to do it her way just for the easy life, so at least you and your partner are on the same page. I was similar until I got a faith lecture and realised that having a wedding in a church to please her was difficult for me and she didnt even acknowledge that. So I changed my mind. But she doesnt know that yet so its all ahead of me.

Here's your sister. Have tried to envisage the church thing and know I would find it extremely difficult and a total sham, but hey, im the bad guy.

Would they shut up if you threatened to elope abroad just the two of you?

as long as we eloped to a church

Neyite

I think that if you are taking contributions from family towards the wedding you stand to lose any high ground. Because it will be a conditional gift.

As a compromise, I did suggest having the church ceremony minus the mass - I was NOT going to take communion. This was a big compromise for me. But that was unacceptable too so I just said fcuk it, they'll never be happy regardless, so might as well get hung for a sheep as a lamb.

I'm inviting immediate family only, but with aunts and uncles - mainly because there are few left now, 13 out of the original 25, and I know that about 3, possibly 5 of those wont come anyway for various reasons.

Calhoun

OP, weddings are crazy things, supposedly they are the coming together of two families but more often than not they actually end up causing some sort of family rift. Your damned if you do and damned if you don't, so my guidance normallly is that as you are both getting married its time to shake off the apron strings and do things your way.

However the saying "he who pays the piper decides the tune" comes to mind, if you allow somebody else to pay for your day you essentially are losing some level of control as you are financially reliant on them.

If it was me i would do it my way on my own buck and be done with it. if you dont draw some what of a boundary line now where does it stop? What happens when you guys have a child (if you do) and they want to have it christened ?

zoobizoo

Say that you spoke with the priest and when he realised your lack of faith, he says it would be inappropriate for you to marry in a church.

"It's not up to me guys, the priest said it"....

fits

zoobizoo wrote: »

Say that you spoke with the priest and when he realised your lack of faith, he says it would be inappropriate for you to marry in a church.

"It's not up to me guys, the priest said it"....

I really don't like the local priest. I attended a communion recently and he talked about abortion in the homily. Nearly walked out. dunno why the hell anyone thinks a group of celibate (?) old men knows anything about anything.

Flippyfloppy

Honestly even if you were having a typical wedding you'd probably still have family kicking up about something or other, so for that reason do exactly as you wish. It's your day and noone elses

Neyite

zoobizoo wrote: »

Say that you spoke with the priest and when he realised your lack of faith, he says it would be inappropriate for you to marry in a church.

"It's not up to me guys, the priest said it"....

Cue the priest getting an earful from two very irate members of his congregation, and them doubly furious at Fits for telling shocking lies about Father John. Hell would break loose then when you shame them in front of the priest

Actually, you might be onto something there... if they are so mortified they may insist that you never set foot again in the church to remind the priest of their mortification. Risky strategy though!:p

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

I was going to suggest the traditional route of people wanting their families to feck off - eloping to Rome. Get married in the Irish College (which is quite nice actually) with a couple of staff as witnesses, and combine it with a honeymoon. It gives you privacy, and no parent can roar about their child getting married in Rome.

If you really can't stomach any church, then you're going to have to start threatening to "just do it one day and tell none of ye and none of ye will be invited".

He who threatens loudest wins, I find with weddings.

We were lucky. My partner was an atheist but I wanted a (small) church wedding. Our priest was young and fully supportive and cut out the Mass part immediately for my partner. When his folks reacted in abject horror, our priest went to them and told them to cop on. He said that if they continued this way we'd get married in a registry office and he wouldn't blame us. Cue: his folks shutting the hell up. We had a nice ceremony with no Communion and it lasted about 10 minutes, lol. The right priest is essential. If you do get strongarmed into a chirch wedding, for the love of God go to a parish with a cool priest.

deisemum

You should pay for your own wedding and do things the way you want to. I along with some friends went along with specific things when we got married and regretted it afterwards and I'm nearly 25 years married and still remember the carry on.

I wouldn't worry about the aunts and uncles being upset at not being invited. I've got loads of nieces and nephews and don't expect to be invited to all their weddings. My husband had a load of aunts and uncles at our wedding, I haven't seen 99% of them since in almost 25 years.

If you back down on the type of wedding you'd like then that's the start of the interference in your family life.

LegacyUser

OP - you should have the wedding you want but really you should be paying for it then.

Make it very clear from the start what you are doing and then stick to your guns. Don't give in on anything as then they will whittle away at you until you give in on other areas. Once they see you are serious about it the pressure will back off.

Just in relation to what you said about your local priest, you can choose to have another priest if you know one who would be nicer. We chose a friend of the family and he tailored the ceremony to what we wanted. However by the sound of it a religious ceremony is not at all what you want.

Best of luck and enjoy your day whatever you end up doing!

LegacyUser

My feeling is that you know what both set of parents would be like - you get married in a church, have a big wedding with all the relatives, neighbours and all both sets of parents friends.
The reality is that you wedding day is your day and not theirs.

I would tell both sets of parents that you are not reglious and that is why you don't want to get married in a church. I would also tell them that you and your partner will decide who to invite to your wedding and unless they stop giving out about your plans you won't have them there.
I know the above sounds hard but once you say this the parents will realise you are not going to change your mind.