Don't know how to feel

wakeboarding

So my boyfriend and I are both in our 40's and have been together for just over a year. A few months ago he was offered a job in Australia by a family member but his parents took ill so he didn't go.

Last week he announced that this family member in Aus is ill and his mom wants to go to see her and want him to go with her - i was fine with that...

Until he said if he was going it would be for a min of a year as the job offer still stand's! Tbh I'm kinda put out by this as we get on very well but I know his work situation here is fluctuating to say the least. So i understand why he would consider going but I feel a little let down as he talks of loving me and wanting to be with me but every time this crop's up i feel like he (and me) close off from one another! We've talked long term and feel we could be good together.

Its like were protecting ourselves from being hurt! He's told me he doesn't wanna go and I've told him i don't want him to either but have also said i will never hold him back from what he wants to do. But then I hear him say on the phone to me that he can't wait to get the fok away from Ireland.

I want to tell him i don't want him to go as i have before but want him to fully understand I'm gonna be devastated but not to the point I'd him saying to him he is NOT to go. Advice please! It sounds ridiculous now that I have written this down but i am going through a really hard time with my ex too so maybe I'm being oversensitive?? Just need an outsiders perspective. Thanks

Tokyo

As life changes go this is a BIG DEAL, and I think that you both need to stop tippy-toeing around the issue and sit down and have a proper conversation about this, and what it means for your future together. When push comes to shove he says that he doesn't want to go, but does he mean that, or is he trying to spare your feelings? You say that you don't want to go, but you tell him that you'd never hold him back, in order to spare HIS feelings - this approach needs to be pushed to one side and a more blunt conversation needs to take its place.

First he needs to figure out if he is actually going or not, and from the sounds of what he is saying about looking forward to getting out of Ireland, odds are that the answer to that question is yes. Have you considered going with him for a year or longer? And more importantly, has he even entertained the thought of asking you to join him there if he goes (if he hasn't, that says a lot IMO), or is he just planning on walking away for the year, and hoping that you'll still be there upon his return?

Ultimately you both need to decide how much you want to be together, and then try to work with the answers to the questions above to see if you can make it work. If not, then you end to consider that this may mean you going your separate ways...

wakeboarding

mike_ie wrote: »

As life changes go this is a BIG DEAL, and I think that you both need to stop tippy-toeing around the issue and sit down and have a proper conversation about this, and what it means for your future together. When push comes to shove he says that he doesn't want to go, but does he mean that, or is he trying to spare your feelings? You say that you don't want to go, but you tell him that you'd never hold him back, in order to spare HIS feelings - this approach needs to be pushed to one side and a more blunt conversation needs to take its place.

First he needs to figure out if he is actually going or not, and from the sounds of what he is saying about looking forward to getting out of Ireland, odds are that the answer to that question is yes. Have you considered going with him for a year or longer? And more importantly, has he even entertained the thought of asking you to join him there if he goes (if he hasn't, that says a lot IMO), or is he just planning on walking away for the year, and hoping that you'll still be there upon his return?

Ultimately you both need to decide how much you want to be together, and then try to work with the answers to the questions above to see if you can make it work. If not, then you end to consider that this may mean you going your separate ways...

Thanks for reply. I cant go as I have 2 children ( as a matter of fact so does he) but he feels he should go to better his chances of having a stable future for himself (I have been mentioned in this future plan too!) If I knew he was going for a year to make money and then head home I would be happy with this but he says he'll have to wait and see how he settles and may stay on which ultimately makes me think I don't really figure in his long term planbat all, which makes me think there is no point in taking this any further. Oh by the way he has never asked if I would go - Now he knows i would never be able to go but still I think this would speak volumes if he did suggest it!!

Buona Fortuna

wakeboarding wrote: »

Thanks for reply. I cant go as I have 2 children ( as a matter of fact so does he) but he feels he should go to better his chances of having a stable future for himself (I have been mentioned in this future plan too!) If I knew he was going for a year to make money and then head home I would be happy with this but he says he'll have to wait and see how he settles and may stay on which ultimately makes me think I don't really figure in his long term planbat all, which makes me think there is no point in taking this any further. Oh by the way he has never asked if I would go - Now he knows i would never be able to go but still I think this would speak volumes if he did suggest it!!

Hi Wakeboard

Good post from Mike above.

Children don't necessarily rule out moving to Oz. Families move over all the time. It certainly makes it more to think about.

Would it be possible for him to go over, get settled, a place etc.and you join with thge kids a month or two down the line?

I think you need that chat.

Good Luck

wakeboarding

Buona Fortuna wrote: »

Hi Wakeboard

Good post from Mike above.

Children don't necessarily rule out moving to Oz. Families move over all the time. It certainly makes it more to think about.

Would it be possible for him to go over, get settled, a place etc.and you join with thge kids a month or two down the line?

I think you need that chat.

Good Luck

To be honest I would never consider up rooting the kids from there schools, there father and grandparents. Its just not an option for me.

Feel

Would it be an option to accompany your partner for a year without your children?

cactusgal

Feel wrote: »

Would it be an option to accompany your partner for a year without your children?

She's only been with this guy for a year, he's planning to up sticks and move to Oz with or without her, and he hasn't actually asked her to go with him! Why in the world would she ditch her children for an entire year to go over there?

OP, I respect your attitude in not wanting to uproot your kids and move them across the world to see how it goes with this guy. I'm sure you're going through a difficult time with this. My thoughts are that if he's willing to leave you AND his own children, he's not the type that you can rely on long-term.

I could be wrong, I don't know the guy. But that is how it seems to me

Sorry, take care OP x

Emme

cactusgal wrote: »

She's only been with this guy for a year, he's planning to up sticks and move to Oz with or without her, and he hasn't actually asked her to go with him! Why in the world would she ditch her children for an entire year to go over there?

OP, I respect your attitude in not wanting to uproot your kids and move them across the world to see how it goes with this guy. I'm sure you're going through a difficult time with this. My thoughts are that if he's willing to leave you AND his own children, he's not the type that you can rely on long-term.

I could be wrong, I don't know the guy. But that is how it seems to me

Sorry, take care OP x

Maybe his children are grown up and doing their own thing while the OPs children are younger. It sounds like this man's mind is made up and he is going regardless. He might well decide he doesn't like it over there and be back after a month but you both need to talk. Perhaps he is not as committed to this relationship as the OP.