My husband, his co-workers ,company & sex

Gio2000

Hi,
This is going to be quite long post but i'll try to keep it simple and to the point.
Currently, I'm living in another EU country with my two kids. We moved from Ireland becuase my husband was setting up a new part of his company here. The main reason i wanted to leave ireland was that he had been unfaithful big affair about 6yrs ago. Backstory.
I found out after having our second child. He begged for a second chance I gave it for the kids mostly.I also couldnt face being alone with a new baby. I confronted the other woman in her work. She wasn't apologetic just denied it all. In our marriage we lurched from argument to argument. One particular argument which my husband always brings up is..one evening he had said he was going out. I checked his computer and i found emails to the other woman inferring that their affair would never be over,they would continue despite everything. I was livid. I confronted my h and he denied it all again. I told him to leave and he refused and locked himself in a room. I decided to call the gards they came and eventually took him out. It was a really horrible experince but all he had to do was leave. He toldme afterwards that the email was old and he had finished seeing the woman.he told me he loved me and wanted to make things right.
Fast foward another year or so. Not much is getting better and my husband make arguments out if nithing so he can keave and stay with his parents nearby. One day he wanted the family car. I decided to leave a tape recorder in it as i was sure he was having another affair . He went out and returned very late with the car. I found out that he was taking a female co worker on a drive up the mountains for whatever ! From the tape recorder it seems they were having a great laugh at me and probably had sex in our family car! In fact the gards interrupted and asked what was going on ?!
I immediately phoned my h when i relised what he had done in our car. He begged forgivness and also pleaded that i didn't call his company and tell his business partners.
Stupidly i believed this was the last time. The girl never left never apologised nothing. She is still in the company. My husband told me that he did tell his business partner and he just said it was just a typical man thing , no biggy. Their company is a high profile tech co and with important backers.we left ireland and honestly looked forward to a new fresh start for our family.we made some friends and were just starting to have a good social life. Kids happy too.
We were here 2 years and 4 months ago my husband started acting wierd again late home / hiding his mobile and computer or locking them. He never answered his phone.Then he refused to book summer holidays and i knew something was on. I was in the process of starting my own business whilst this was happening. I had to go home to talk to the banks etc.. about funding. While i was there with our children my husband flew home and packed his stuff. He returned before we left dublin. He came to my friends home , blanked me. I asked hime what was he doing and he said that he wasn't going to come home ever and drove off.
I was left stunned. It came from nowhere. Next day i went to his office to try to speak with him but they refused to answer. I followed another person into the bulding and knocked on the main office door. No one answered so i did knock loudly . He cames out and manhandled me and put me into the lift. I told him i wanted an explanation and we needed to talk. He refused and told me that he was calling security. Which he did. Of course by this stage i was furious. My children were onlookers. I shouted at him that he couldnt treat his wife in this manner but he told the security that i had to be taken away!!! His new work partner from where we live came out and tried to calm the situation. We went for a chat but he gAve me no answers.
He did allude to the fact that the entire company thought i was loopy. Probably thanks to me calling trying to find him on many occasions and also the female co-worker with no shame.
Inthink he had been planning an exit for a long time. He has also bad mouthed me to friends and gone so far as to say i have mental issues even that i hit him.
I am now here in a foreign country with our children with no back up and feeling like no hope. He has said he will pay the bills but so far they are mounting up and dont get paid on time.
I just would like to be able to get the truth of what he is really doing and understand why he is trying to ruin my character. I think its his way of trying to justify leaving me .He has never really helped me with my business and i think he deliberatly tried to sabotage the business launch by his behavour. I cant do anything now as avface seapartion and possible divorce.
How can i stop his lies and get to the bottom of what has gone on ?? Advice welcome. Sorry for typos - i ipads !

better call saul

Divorce the scumbag

brooke 2

<snipping entire quoted OP>

'Don't get mad - get even!'

DukeOfTheSharp

Divorce him and take him for everything he's worth. Then take the kids, move back to Ireland, get full custody and get a restraining order. Freeze him out entirely, all bar his funds to help pay for the lives he has abandoned. While you're at it, double up for assault (the forcing you into the elevator) and defamation of character.

He's a controlling, manipulative tool. He dragged you to another country, repeatedly cheated on you, and then tried to defame your character, all while leaving you and your kids. Unfortunately, this happens more often than I'd like to admit. Guys like him love the control, make 'mistakes', beg for forgiveness, say you'll get a 'fresh start' and then bugger off because they love the power it gives them. They ruin lives (more than one in many cases) for kicks. His reasoning will always be shoddy, his 'reasons' will always be excuses. He's dirty to his core, a real piece of work. Attempting to understand such a creature (because he's no man) isn't worth your time. Focus on your kids, business and getting him fleeced for the money he owes. He's a serial cheater and manipulator, he won't stand a chance in court.

Esel

Get legal advice, where you live now and in Ireland.

Teyla Emmagan

It doesn't matter why he is lying, or who he has told what, or what anyone else thinks. Your relationship is over, if you have any sense, so quit trying to reason out his behaviour. He obviously has no respect for you whatsoever. You still seem to be in 'fix' mode. Get into 'leave him for dead' mode instead. Your husband seems to be a total scumbag. Leave him and come home to where you won't be stressed and isolated. You sound worn out.

Gio2000

@Brooke 2, i would love to get even but when you know someone else has the upper hand financially it's difficult. I really just want all the people has lied to to actually know the truth. I mean he is happy to leave our children in my care but apparently i have mental problems and could be a part time husband beater ! Now i realise that it does happen to some men and i think its awful but this is a complete untruth and just such a low thing to accuse me of. Obviously he really didnt respect me at all but this is a new level to sink to just to justify himself.

Hannibal Smith

Don't worry about what he us doing and why. Hes cheated on you so many times and now his latest behaviour is the icing on the cake.

If he's trying to paint you in a bad light contacting him and calling to his work is just playing into his hands.

Let him go. You can survive on your own and without the distraction of trying to figure out what he's up to you'll be able to focus better. Let someone else put up with his lies.

Gio2000

I suppose to make it clear that i went to his office because he hadnt given any explanation as to why he wouldn't return home. Nothing. He had been stone walling me and i felt at the time i had to try to get him to talk or discuss it. But yes it didn't make me look great, i agree.

nc19

You sound like a doormat tbh. A willing doormat.
You actually sound surprised and upset that a blatant serial cheat has left you!!!
Be grateful he decided to leave because I think he could have cheated on you with a threesome with your mother and sister and you would have stayed with him.

Take the advice of the posters above and file for divorce siting the cheating and be grateful this fella is gone

Penny Tration

For your own sake, don't go near his workplace again. That's just playing right into his hands, making his colleagues feel sorry for 'the poor guy who had to get his crazy ex removed by security.'

Right now, you won't get answers. His actions should be enough. He's lied, cheated, defamed you and left.

Getting answers might feel like closure, but I'd bet that anymore answers would lead to you having more questions.

Right now, it's time to focus on your kids. They must be in bits after seeing mammy get removed from ghis job by security.

Forget about your husband and focus on your children.

The man sounds like an absolute pig, and you're better without him.

Seek legal advice, especially as he's letting the bills mount up. He cannot just leave and refuse to help financially. He is obliged to support his children at the very least.

As for putting the record straight with people - it won't work. True friends will believe you.

I'd seek legal advice not only on the separation, but also about his claims that you're mentally ill and abusive. If he's damaging your character like that, there could be repercussions for him.

Gio2000

nc19 wrote: »

You sound like a doormat tbh. A willing doormat.
You actually sound surprised and upset that a blatant serial cheat has left you!!!
Be grateful he decided to leave because I think he could have cheated on you with a threesome with your mother and sister and you would have stayed with him.

Take the advice of the posters above and file for divorce siting the cheating and be grateful this fella is gone

After the first affair i thought he had realised his mistake. I was willing for the children to make it work. If he had gone to proper counselling maybe he would have worked through his or our issues. I believe in marriage and really didnt want my children coming from a broken home. But if u think doormat maybe you're right

Penny Tration

Gio2000 wrote: »

After the first affair i thought he had realised his mistake. I was willing for the children to make it work. If he had gone to proper counselling maybe he would have worked through his or our issues. I believe in marriage and really didnt want my children coming from a broken home. But if u think doormat maybe you're right

Honestly, it's better for your kids to come from a broken home than a hugely unhappy home.

When one parent consistently lies and cheats, and the other snoops around, argues over it and so on, it's telling the kids that dysfunctional, horrible relationships are normal. It's giving them a completely messed up view on relationships, and believe me, it'll carry on with them.

I came from a family with abuse and alcoholism.

My first two serious relationships - one was abusive, the other an alcoholic.

We learn relationship ideals from our parents. Much better for your kids to see happily separated parents than miserable parents together.

LegacyUser

You are better off without your husband because he obviously has no respect for you and has repeatedly cheated on you but your marriage was doomed years ago. Going through email, phones leaving tape recorders in cars are all signs that the trust is gone and that is when YOU should have ended the marriage. And that trust was gone because he obviously cannot be trusted

Going to peoples offices to "confront" them are all signs of someone that is not thinking straight and is giving your husband perfect ammunition to state that you are "loopy", because to be honest if someone did that to one of my co-workers that's exactly what I would think.

You need to stop looking for him to give you an answer. Then get legal advise and have all communication through that legal avenue because if you try to confront him or even worse one of the women he cheated with again, then you will end up looking a lot worse

nc19

Gio2000 wrote: »

After the first affair i thought he had realised his mistake. I was willing for the children to make it work. If he had gone to proper counselling maybe he would have worked through his or our issues. I believe in marriage and really didnt want my children coming from a broken home. But if u think doormat maybe you're right

Children adapt. What they dont get over easily is seeing their mother physically and emotionally abused.

brooke 2

Gio2000 wrote: »

@Brooke 2, i would love to get even but when you know someone else has the upper hand financially it's difficult. I really just want all the people has lied to to actually know the truth. I mean he is happy to leave our children in my care but apparently i have mental problems and could be a part time husband beater ! Now i realise that it does happen to some men and i think its awful but this is a complete untruth and just such a low thing to accuse me of. Obviously he really didnt respect me at all but this is a new level to sink to just to justify himself.

Sorry if I seemed flippant, Gio. Your obvious fear that he has the 'upper hand financially' is perfectly understandable. However, the law would be on your side
and your lousy husband knows this well, hence all his apologies and promises to you!
My advice to you would be to record every incident of abuse by him. You say he accuses you of having mental problems, yet he is perfectly willing to leave his children in your care!! The only way you can deal with the future is to seek legal advice and
get the hell away from that excuse of a man. It is essential for your own and your children's safety!! Of course you are mad at him, but, for your own peace of mind, you now need to get even!! Hit him in his pockets!! Go get that lawyer!!!

Gio2000

When i went to his office all i knew was that he had said he wasn't coming home. I had little money and two children to think of. I did have return flights booked but i didn't know at that stage that he had already taken his things. I was worried that maybe he wasn't going to pay the rent for our home or give me money.Ihad no idea what he was going to do next. I had phoned first but no one answered. I do think its understandable why i went. I didn't feel i had another option at the time. I know it looks but those are the facts.
I'm not unaware of the damage staying in a relationship like that can have either i just foolishly thought it would get better. It does really concern me though that he could have been bad mouthing me while i was trying to get funding for my business. I worked for the last two years trying to get it off the ground .I've been told my business plan is sound and the concept is good. Ive been to goverment bodies to try to get grants but nothing. I do wonder if he has anything to do with it. Dublin / ireland is so small everyone knows someone.

FactCheck

I think everyone urging you to take him for everything he's worth is being a bit naive. You aren't going to get a massive windfall from this, your household income will decrease - but you won't starve, your children are big enough now to go into childcare while you really push forward with your business plan, and once you are away you will truly be shocked by the improvement in your mental health.

His behaviour and mistreatment has made you act a bit crazy. But I don't think you are crazy. I think once you are away from him and no longer being constantly lied to you will be a new woman.

I work in your industry so I'm assuming you had to move to either the UK or USA (possibly Germany or CH?). Regardless, these are all first world countries with strong divorce laws. Get yourself a lawyer and start planning out a healthier, happier future for you and your children.

Neyite

Gio2000 wrote: »

After the first affair i thought he had realised his mistake. I was willing for the children to make it work. If he had gone to proper counselling maybe he would have worked through his or our issues. I believe in marriage and really didnt want my children coming from a broken home. But if u think doormat maybe you're right

No, counselling would not have changed who he fundamentally is. Counselling is for people who want to change behaviours, he doesnt want to change and he has proven that your needs or the wellbeing of his children dont even feature on his radar, you never did. It was only ever about him. And now the difference is that he is not pretending otherwise anymore.

Honestly, you DO have your answers. They are just not the ones you want. I know you are hurting. It hurts even more when you have someone who needs to justify his awful treatment of you by convincing others around him, and himself, that you were the crazy unreasonable one. And the worst part is that they more you try and disprove it, the more it looks like he is right.

So dont do that. Get a sh!t-hot divorce lawyer, and only communicate through them. Get them to chase the money he should be giving you to support his children, and for his share of the debts you owe and apart from this, go no-contact with him. If he contacts you, you tell him to communicate via your lawyer, and if he happens to remember his two children down the line and wants to see them, then instruct your lawyer that he can apply to court for access so that its all officially laid out and he cant lie at a later date or mess you or the children around on access.

greengirl31

Op, this sounds like a dreadful position for you and your children to be in!! Without reading all the posts, I’m going to give you mu tuppance worth and bare in mind that I was also cheated on so I have some idea of what you’re going through …

A few things strike me about your post…..

You’re husband has had numerous affairs and yet you stayed with him – for the sake of the children you say which I have no doubt is true. But why would you bring them to your husband’s office when you were about to confront him about yet another affair??? You must’ve known that there would be some sort of scene !! I’m not sure if they were around when the police were called to your home or if they were in your friends home when you’re husband called there but children should not witness those sort of altercations between their parents – the poor things !!

When you found out about the first affair, it’s understandable that you wanted to make a go of things – he said he was sorry, Etc., Etc., and so you decided to give it another go. That’s perfectly understandable but from your post, the trust was all gone and you don’t mention any steps that were taken to try to restore it – did you go to couples counselling or anything ?? You seemed to plod along either turning a blind eye or putting tape recorders in the car (which is understandable but not the actions of a rational woman IMO). You also seem to place a lot of blame for your husband’s affairs with the other women. They have no obligation to you – they are not married to you – your husband is. Your husband chose to have sex with these women!! While these women may have questionable morals, God knows what he’s told them – You don’t understand him like they do, you’re fragile and he’d like to leave you but is afraid of how you’d react – the list is endless !! As some point, you need to accept some level of responsibility for the situation you find yourself in. And I’m not for one minute excusing your husband’s behaviour but you always took him back.

I believe you now need to take control of your situation. You’re husband has left so you need to get legal advice both at home and in the country where you live. You said you were in the process of setting up a business – is that up and running or are you still dependant on your husband financially. If you are, try to get a reasonable financial arrangement set up. Do you have somewhere to come back to here ?? Any family or friends that can help you out in the short term?? You might be better off among family and friends you trust. I would also suggest that you get some emotional support for yourself – you’ve been through a rough few years and so have your children. You need to use you’re energy in a constructive way now, to heal yourself and your children and not in a negative way to get revenge on your husband – I’ve seen from my own parents how bitterness towards the other can eat you up inside and NOTHING good comes from it.

Good Luck

eviltwin

Gio2000 wrote: »

After the first affair i thought he had realised his mistake. I was willing for the children to make it work. If he had gone to proper counselling maybe he would have worked through his or our issues. I believe in marriage and really didnt want my children coming from a broken home. But if u think doormat maybe you're right

Your kids already come from a broken home. Whatever you have going on in your marriage, its not normal and no amount of putting on a happy face will make your kids think things are fine. Kids are not stupid, they pick up on things.

His behaviour is terrible and you need to get out before you are mentally and emotionally broken down to the point you start thinking you are in some way to blame for this. I wouldn't take it personally, he would more than likely behave this way no matter who he was with.

You only have one life, why waste it with someone who treats you like crap and makes you miserable.

Victor

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

Divorce him and take him for everything he's worth. Then take the kids, move back to Ireland, get full custody and get a restraining order.

That needs to be done properly and not in a knee-jerk fashion. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hague_Convention_on_the_Civil_Aspects_of_International_Child_Abduction

Mackas_view

I think your all over reacting here, just chill out. It could be worse

dellas1979

OP your marriage is over.

Now its time to sort the mess out. And take stock.

You seriously need legal advice.

One thing I will say (having read a similar thread before) make sure he has not taken their passports. Keep them very safe.

Second question, do you want to stay there. Or do you want to come home. I have to assume you have some family here.

Gio2000

greengirl31 wrote: »

Op, this sounds like a dreadful position for you and your children to be in!! Without reading all the posts, I’m going to give you mu tuppance worth and bare in mind that I was also cheated on so I have some idea of what you’re going through …

A few things strike me about your post…..

You’re husband has had numerous affairs and yet you stayed with him – for the sake of the children you say which I have no doubt is true. But why would you bring them to your husband’s office when you were about to confront him about yet another affair??? You must’ve known that there would be some sort of scene !! I’m not sure if they were around when the police were called to your home or if they were in your friends home when you’re husband called there but children should not witness those sort of altercations between their parents – the poor things !!

When you found out about the first affair, it’s understandable that you wanted to make a go of things – he said he was sorry, Etc., Etc., and so you decided to give it another go. That’s perfectly understandable but from your post, the trust was all gone and you don’t mention any steps that were taken to try to restore it – did you go to couples counselling or anything ?? You seemed to plod along either turning a blind eye or putting tape recorders in the car (which is understandable but not the actions of a rational woman IMO). You also seem to place a lot of blame for your husband’s affairs with the other women. They have no obligation to you – they are not married to you – your husband is. Your husband chose to have sex with these women!! While these women may have questionable morals, God knows what he’s told them – You don’t understand him like they do, you’re fragile and he’d like to leave you but is afraid of how you’d react – the list is endless !! As some point, you need to accept some level of responsibility for the situation you find yourself in. And I’m not for one minute excusing your husband’s behaviour but you always took him back.

I believe you now need to take control of your situation. You’re husband has left so you need to get legal advice both at home and in the country where you live. You said you were in the process of setting up a business – is that up and running or are you still dependant on your husband financially. If you are, try to get a reasonable financial arrangement set up. Do you have somewhere to come back to here ?? Any family or friends that can help you out in the short term?? You might be better off among family and friends you trust. I would also suggest that you get some emotional support for yourself – you’ve been through a rough few years and so have your children. You need to use you’re energy in a constructive way now, to heal yourself and your children and not in a negative way to get revenge on your husband – I’ve seen from my own parents how bitterness towards the other can eat you up inside and NOTHING good comes from it.

Good Luck

As a mother my responsibility is for the care and well being of her children. I tried everything I could to keep a stable family unit together. I do admit that at times I have not been able to anticipate future events well. I never thought there would be a scene at his office I thought he would talk to me calmly. Not bundle me into the elevator and call security on his wife of 15 yrs. I am if course sorry the children had to witness anything but I think if you could understand that I think he wanted a "scene" to make his exit more valid. Looking back I find it really odd that he didn't answer the phone and neither did any if his co- workers. Maybe he had primed them for months. I don't know I can only speculate with the facts I have. Hardly any if his co- workers ever met me in 10 yrs!
He began the company with another guy which ended badly and then my H got in a new trinity business graduate handed him a role of CEO and they were besties ever since. I wasn't invited to that guys wedding even. I remember it was a birthday for our eldest and I had to take them alone to London to celebrate ( the present was a zoo trip).
It makes me sick to my core that maybe he had been telling them one thing about me for years and creating a cushion for himself. All the while I have been the loyal and faithful wife. It's been hard at times when you get attention from other men. But I think, well I know since I haven't joined any random dating sites that I am a romantic in the old fashioned sense that i was never cut out to cheat.
Yes I am heart broken because i still think of him as the man I married and loved but i don't think i did see his true self only in glimpses and by then it was too late.

dellas1979

Gio-this guy sounds almost strategic.
And he is waiting for your next move.

I strongly suggest you get legal advice, straight away.

PS: I dont think going to his office looking for answers could be mis-construed as loopy. It was a dire situation. If anything, it shines the spot light on him.

And Ill tell you one thing for sure, without a doubt, the truth always comes out. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next week, or anytime soon. But it will. Have faith that the people he is working with know what he is like.

Gio2000

Gio2000 wrote: »

As a mother my responsibility is for the care and well being of her children. I tried everything I could to keep a stable family unit together. I do admit that at times I have not been able to anticipate future events well. I never thought there would be a scene at his office I thought he would talk to me calmly. Not bundle me into the elevator and call security on his wife of 15 yrs. I am if course sorry the children had to witness anything but I think if you could understand that I think he wanted a "scene" to make his exit more valid. Looking back I find it really odd that he didn't answer the phone and neither did any if his co- workers. Maybe he had primed them for months. I don't know I can only speculate with the facts I have. Hardly any if his co- workers ever met me in 10 yrs!
He began the company with another guy which ended badly and then my H got in a new trinity business graduate handed him a role of CEO and they were besties ever since. I wasn't invited to that guys wedding even. I remember it was a birthday for our eldest and I had to take them alone to London to celebrate ( the present was a zoo trip).
It makes me sick to my core that maybe he had been telling them one thing about me for years and creating a cushion for himself. All the while I have been the loyal and faithful wife. It's been hard at times when you get attention from other men. But I think, well I know since I haven't joined any random dating sites that I am a romantic in the old fashioned sense that i was never cut out to cheat.
Yes I am heart broken because i still think of him as the man I married and loved but i don't think i did see his true self only in glimpses and by then it was too late.

Sorry to answer previous poster we did marriage counselling but the second time I found out he was still with the other woman and then the second time he was about to start going out with his co- worker. I found out with tape recorder and he begged on hand and knee forgiveness. I did believe his promises. That why we left Ireland he knew how i felt about him "pissing on his on doorstep". We both , i thought felt better when we moved away. Maybe i was just a complete fool living a lie for the last 2 yrs and also the other 12+

ceadaoin.

You need to disengage and get a lawyer. You aren't going to get any answers, the man is a scumbag pure and simple. You are just playing into his hands by trying to get him to talk to you. That just allows him to further the yarn he is spinning about you being crazy. Yes, people probably believe that's true but there is nothing you can do about that. For all you know he could have telling them you were separated for years. That would explain never meeting his colleagues. As was said above, the truth will come out eventually. The best thing for you and your kids is to keep calm and only engage with him through your lawyers.

I'm sorry you are going through this, it must be tough. Just remember you will come through the other side and be a stronger person for it once you are no longer tied to this horrible man.

Gio2000

Gio2000 wrote: »

After the first affair i thought he had realised his mistake. I was willing for the children to make it work. If he had gone to proper counselling maybe he would have worked through his or our issues. I believe in marriage and really didnt want my children coming from a broken home. But if u think doormat maybe you're rright

Thankyou, whole heartedly for the replies .
Mostly because I knew I my gut it wouldn't work and I tried to set myself up so I had something to fall back on. He took my inheritance ( another story gave it for his business ) so it has taken me triple the time to get my business off the ground.i have no family in Ireland. I do have the children and that is the only thing that keeps me going.

Tokyo

Mackas_view wrote: »

I think your all over reacting here, just chill out. It could be worse

Mackas_view- as per the forum charter, if you can't post constructively toward the OP's issue, please consider not posting at all. Dismissing the opinions of others who have taken the time to respond to the OP like that is not the done thing here.

Regards,
Mike

Gio2000

Gio2000 wrote: »

After the first affair i thought he had realised his mistake. I was willing for the children to make it work. If he had gone to proper counselling maybe he would have worked through his or our issues. I believe in marriage and really didnt want my children coming from a broken home. But if u think doormat maybe you're rright

Thankyou, whole heartedly for the replies .
Mostly because I knew I my gut it wouldn't work and I tried to set myself up so I had something to fall back on. He took my inheritance ( another story gave it for his business ) so it has taken me triple the time to get my business off the ground.i have no family in Ireland. I do have the children and that is the only thing that keeps me going.

bee06

OP you are totally focusing on the past. What you need to do now is put that behind you and start dealing with your future for the sake of your children.

DukeOfTheSharp

Victor wrote: »

That needs to be done properly and not in a knee-jerk fashion. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hague_Convention_on_the_Civil_Aspects_of_International_Child_Abduction

That's why I put that it in that particular order. Settling the divorce is first and foremost, the OP clearly doesn't have the cash to do all of that in one fell swoop. All I'm saying is that divorce needs to be the first action, then, when that gets settled, take the kids he obviously doesn't want back to Ireland and keep him away. I was in no way implying that while the divorce proceedings are taking place the the OP should run off, that'd be ill-advised.

Teyla Emmagan

Right now you are grieving for the death of your relationship OP. And that is understandable. However your relationship was over years ago, probably when he first cheated on you. He decided then that his own needs were more important than you or your kids and nothing he has done since has indicated his attitude has changed. He has lied and cheated endlessly and now he is trying to discredit you and paint you as a looney so he will get sympathy and not blame for leaving you. But there is no point asking why, or dwelling on all the awful things he has done, or wondering how anyone could lie about their wife of 15 years. You are only raking over the coals. He is just a bollox pure and simple.

You have spoken about wanting to protect your kids. So do that now. Quit asking yourself why anyone could be such a **** and instead go out and lawyer up and make sure he pays the bills so your children have stability they deserve. It is pointless wondering why anyone could do such things to you. Go out there and make sure he doesn't continue to treat you like this.

Gio2000

So I did get a lawyer. He wrote to my H last week. In response my Land lady told me that he emailed her and has said he won't pay the rent.I can't get a maintenence order here quickly it could take months. I can inform the police as it is a crime here but if he is arrested it could get into the papers and effect his work. In about two weeks the rent is due. Such a mess.

Taltos

You have to do what your lawyer advised.
If they advised you to call the police do so.
If it affects his job - that was his choice - it was not yours, you have to protect yourself and your children.

Again - get your legal advice and follow it.

Stavro Mueller

It's time to stop worrying about reputations and what other people think - a thread I've noticed throughout what you've posted. You've cut your husband far too much slack IMO but you can't undo the past. He has shown here that he's not just a lousy husband but a deadbeat father. As Taltos has rightly said, this is his choice.

If he had a scrap of decency in his being he'd pay the rent and not be putting his kids through the upset of having to move out of their home and perhaps school. Don't forget that should you find your resolve wavering. Take your lawyer's advice and do what you can to get your fair share.

Gio2000

I just don't think getting Police involved would do me any favours. He is likely to react very badly. Who knows what could happen next. I was thinking that as his company is so high profile at the moment I could tell him that if he doesn't pay the rent etc.that I will have no choice but to write to all the shareholders. I could maybe write to the the other directors about the situation.

Stavro Mueller

No no no. With all due respect you've made a mess of things when you've tried to deal with this by yourself. From now on only deal with him through your lawyer.

eeeee

I would very, very strongly advise you do not, in any circumstances threaten to write or speak to anyone connected to his business. Your lawyer gave you excellent legal advice. And you should follow it, 100%. Your priority now is caring and providing for your children , in every easy, not protecting his reputation.

Off the people he works with think you're unstable from what he has been telling them, an unsolicited letter from you to then about your marriage will only do YOU damage, and justify the image he may have created for you.

The only person you speak to your husband through is your lawyer end of. He. Has done you very very wrong by the sounds of things, and he has to take care off his responsibilities to you and his children.

if he did not want his business brought through divorce proceedings he should not have done what he did to his family. These are the consequences of HIS actions, you are not causing this. He has damaged his own reputation and brought that of his business into disrepute by repeatedly cheating on you amongst other things.

Do not send that letter to his shareholders etc. It will do you no favors. It will make you look mental. Protect yourself and your children. Follow your lawyers advice. They know what they're talking about.

Gio2000

Isn't letting the police haul him away going to make me look as mental ? At least I would be giving a warning as to what could happen if he doesn't cop on to himself. I'm sick thinking about this 24|7. I don't have any family much and tbh honest my close friends are just as drained by listening. They are worried for me too. I didn't answer my phone the other day and a friend thought my H had come round and something terrible had happened.It's so stressful. I just feel like I'm trapped he's happily going around here and back in Dublin acting like the responsible business man and promoting himself even more than before, trying to get into the papers. Back here on earth he has just left his family and is now torturing me with all this constant worry.

eeeee

No. Unsolicited letters about your marriage to people who have nothing to do with the marriage will make you look a lot crazier than following legal advice. I can assure you of that.

Have you been to a doctor or counselor? You are going through a very stressful and traumatic time, you may need more support. Maybe go to your GP and see what they can do for you. I'd say you could do with all the support you can get, to jeep you clear your head if nothing else.

You don't know for certain it will end in the guards bringing him in, and if it does then that is his reaction, and nothing to do with you. That will be the consequences of HIS actions, not yours. Listen to your lawyer and stay as far away from the drama as you can. He is not your concern anymore. Your children and yourself are.

ceadaoin.

Gio2000 wrote: »

Isn't letting the police haul him away going to make me look as mental ? At least I would be giving a warning as to what could happen if he doesn't cop on to himself. I'm sick thinking about this 24|7. I don't have any family much and tbh honest my close friends are just as drained by listening. They are worried for me too. I didn't answer my phone the other day and a friend thought my H had come round and something terrible had happened.It's so stressful. I just feel like I'm trapped he's happily going around here and back in Dublin acting like the responsible business man and promoting himself even more than before, trying to get into the papers. Back here on earth he has just left his family and is now torturing me with all this constant worry.

If the police do haul him away, it will be because of his own actions in breaking the law and no reflection on you. If anything, people might start to see him for what he really is and start to question the picture he has painted of you. If you send letters to shareholders or co workers you might get into trouble yourself for harassment or slander as well as looking like a bitter scorned wife.

It's time to stop letting your emotions rule your decisions and listen to the legal advice you have been given.

You say you are worried about this 24/7. You are going through a very stressful time, I think that you should speak to your GP and see if there is anything he/she can prescribe to stop your mind whirring and help you sleep.

Esel

Gio2000 wrote: »

So I did get a lawyer. He wrote to my H last week. In response my Land lady told me that he emailed her and has said he won't pay the rent.I can't get a maintenence order here quickly it could take months. I can inform the police as it is a crime here but if he is arrested it could get into the papers and effect his work. In about two weeks the rent is due. Such a mess.

Consult your lawyer again. If they say they will inform him that your next step is to get the police involved, then think about doing that. Maybe your lawyer will write to him and tell him what your next step will be, with all the consequences for him.

Gio2000 wrote: »

I just don't think getting Police involved would do me any favours. He is likely to react very badly. Who knows what could happen next. I was thinking that as his company is so high profile at the moment I could tell him that if he doesn't pay the rent etc.that I will have no choice but to write to all the shareholders. I could maybe write to the the other directors about the situation.

First and last advice - do nothing that goes against your legal advice.

... he's happily going around here and back in Dublin acting like the responsible business man and promoting himself even more than before, trying to get into the papers...

Retain a solicitor here as well. Inform them of everything, including all you know about assets.

This, now, is about you and your children. Do it right.

Do not act without legal advice. If you do, you will probably damage your case.

You may feel like you are in a dark tunnel, but there is light at the end.

CaraMay

Is it possible to report him for infidelity there or at least threaten him?

Esel

CaraMay wrote: »

Is it possible to report him for infidelity there or at least threaten him?

Yeah, if infidelity was a crime (either here or there)? Wtf?

CaraMay

Esel wrote: »

Yeah, if infidelity was a crime (either here or there)? Wtf?

you don't need to know a lot to know it is illegal in many countries

I suspect they are in the Middle East based on the police involvement in the rent not being paid. Threatening him with the police on the other issue may be enough to give him a wake up call especially if the op has proof of his cheating.

Edit just saw they are in eu so no joy there

Gio2000

Thanks for the advice. I think apart from the stress it is the pure exhaustion that is making me second guess everything. Appreciate the advice to go to GP but they never really do much except hand you a scribe for pills and I will be damned before I go down that road. I've seen it with friends and it never helps in the long term.I just need more sleep and once I know how this is going to pan out I think I'll have less anxiety.I suppose its a process and i just have to comes to terms with it.
Going to let the solicitor here handle things and if he says it time to report him the police then I will. That's all I can do.
I did contact the solicitor I used before in Ireland but I think he wants money upfront and I can't afford it. My H is using one of the biggest law firms in Dublin and probably getting the company to pay for it. I'll have to have faith in the system here.Tks again.

LegacyUser

Perhaps, OP, you could clarify what you might be thinking of reporting to the police. From what I can see so far, you have matters of civil and family law, but no criminal acts, no matter how immoral or unethical. I think your idea that the police might "haul him away" is probably very wide of the mark. Perhaps also you could say what country you are in, as, obviously, laws differ even within EU states. It's off-charter to offer legal advice and I'm not suggesting legal advice will ensue, but as people have been advising you call the police it may help avoid bad advice and help you do what you need to do.

Gio2000

@ Guessed. It was my solicitor here who told me that i a breadwinner be it woman or man leaves the family without money i.e abandon them with no support it is a criminal offence and can be reported to the police. This is not something I wish to do but if I have no money to pay rent or buy food it seems I don't have any other choice. I have no family to support me throuhgout this ordeal.No siblings or parents. I can relay very temporarily on friends but that isn't really something I want to have to do. My H is swanning around Dublin no doubt with a new woman on his arm whilst I sit a worry if I'm going to have roof over my head. We have no house here or in Ireland his only asset is the company I helped him build.

dellas1979

Do not have any more dealings with this man, or any acquaintances. Not even emotional outbursts. Even if it helps a little, leave that for here.

OP - 2 things.

Have you anyone at all that could help with funding a solicitor?

Can the solicitor verify that it is illegal where you are regarding the rent situation, and what can be done? (from rereading your posts, it seems you have 2 solicitors, 1 where you are and 1 in Ireland?).

My next question for the solicitor would be, in worst case scenario: Can I take the kids and go back to Ireland (you could stay at least with a friend until you got on your feet?).

I think your friends are eager to see you do something about this. Get the will going to fight back.

I know you want to stay there and build your own business. But, sort this situation out first, for you and the children. Nothing to say in the future that you cant do this.

But, right now, you have to remove the emotion from the situation.

I guarantee you, he is only waiting for you to put a foot wrong. And he will try antagonize you. And try draw it out of you.