Husband doesn't find me attractive

LauraM87

So as the title suggests OH told me this morning that he doesn't find me attractive anymore as I've recently gained some weight.

I'm not blind to the fact I'v put on weight, but its been an extremely stressful year and I tend to eat when stressed. Although I've been trying to be better it hasn't been obvious to him.

He has been pretty cranky and short with me for a few weeks so when I pushed him on it this morning he said he doesn't like how look and isn't as attracted. I've put on 2 stone snd am now in a siize 16 jeans.

Obviously I am devasted, I was really conscious of the fact anyhow so now I really feel like never leaving the house again. And then I also just feel so awkward around him now and don't really want him seeing me naked etc.

Any advice on how to handle this? Obviously I want to lose weight myself but I literally eat 2 meals out mon to fri asI bring my cclients to restaurants as part of work so I do try be super good.

TheChizler

What exactly was said? Did he say he doesn't find you attractive at all, doesn't find you as attractive, or doesn't find the extra weight attractive? Depending on circumstance it could be something relatively harmless coming out tactlessly.

Penny Tration

I think he could have worded it better, but I admire your husband's honesty tbh.

Naturally, it's devastating for you. Nobody is going to want to hear they've gained weight, you know it yourself!

That said, it took a lot of guts for your husband to tell you, because he knew it'd hurt you.

I'm not going to tell you to lose weight for your husband.

But it sounds as though you want to lose it yourself as it is? If I'm right about that, there are so many ways. Look at the nutrition forum here on boards for a start. Eating out regularly can play havoc, but because you have to do it, you can still make good food choices in restaurants!

LauraM87

That he doesn't find me 'as' attractive and he hates seeming me eating crap its like watching me getting fatter. I wasn't exactly trilled, had a few tears and just explained I was trying but I am super stressed out at the minute and have so many trips abroad for work its hard to geta good routine at the minute.

He was pretty angry with me but I really felt he was out of line as he never does anything to try help me when I am making an effort to eat better and always has sweets out and meals out arranged for us.
I explained to him that there are things I would like changed about him but I would never push my views on him or make him feel terrible about himself. After a bit he seen what I meant and said he felt terrible about wgat he said and should have handled it better.

For I have suffered from a binge eating disorder in the past which I went to counselling for

dellas1979

He obviously loves you, and I would say it probably hurt him too to tell you. Its not a discussion partners like to have because he married you for lots of other reasons, not just your weight, which is superficial. But the reality is, size does matter to him and it sounds like you too.

I mean if you came on here and said "I put on weight. Im a size 16, I love it, my partner doesnt" then youve a huge problem.

The good news is that at least he is being honest. And you can do something about it, and by the sounds of it, you do. Its important to you too.

Tasden

But he can't really help how he feels. I mean he can choose how to deal with his feelings but its not his fault he feels how he does, and you did admit yourself that you've put on quite a bit of weight. What exactly are you annoyed at him for? Feeling how he does? Bringing it up in an insensitive way? Telling you at all?

dellas1979

LauraM87 wrote: »

I was trying but I am super stressed out at the minute and have so many trips abroad for work its hard to geta good routine at the minute.

Isnt it odd how we deal with food and emotions. I mean, I am of the variety that when I am stressed out, I dont eat/forget to eat. But neither one of our scenarios is any better than the other.

When I find myself going this way, I find I have to be mindful. I imagine its the same for people who eat for comfort, i.e., as soon as the food is in your view, youve to stop and think "do I really need to eat this?" or "can I make a better choice?"

I believe it becomes automatic after a while.

glic71rods46t0

OP you put on 2 whole stone in weight. Your partner is being honest with you about his feelings. It really is a huge weight gain and it's perfectly legitimate for him to make it a red card issue imo. Start respecting your body and gain some self esteem. Forget about blaming your job. You did this to yourself and only you can solve the problem - take personal responsibility.

jackboy

The main problem is you binge eat when stressed. You need to deal with this for yourself not just for your husband. I think you know if you don't sort this our soon you could destroy your life.

Plates

Being stressed so much that you eat enough or enough of the wrong food is very worrying. Regardless of what your OH thinks about it, it's not good for your health.

Have you considered a change of job, either within your current company or outside it? Food is a symptom, stress is the cause. Even if you manage a new diet or exercise regime, if you're still stressed out on a daily basis it will do you serious harm in the long run.

LauraM87

Thanks for your replies. No obviously I was upset to hear it and when I explained he could have been more tactful and explained how he could have handled it I.e. helped make healthy meals, not line out a pile of sweets in front of me all the time etc he was annoyed at himself and sorry for his way of wording the issue.

I will def sort out my eating and try get a handle on my stress eating too. I've asked him to be respectful of this too andto stop planning dates around 3 course meals as at the momoment I eat out 5 days for work and then most weekends with him. No excusr I know but I need to cut it back to help lose weight.

I guess I am looking for advice on where to go from here aside from sorting out my eating/fitness. I just feel like a wreck and have cancelled my plans to go out tonight. I really feel like if his saying it I must look horrific and have never felt more embarrassed or self conscious in my life.

bee06

You said that he said that he doesn't find you as attractive not that he doesn't find you attractive at all. There is a big difference that you need to recognise. It sounds like you feel the same about yourself so it's a bit unfair (but understandable) that you are upset at him for feeling the same.

LauraM87

I take your point on board, I was angry at how he handled it but ultimately I was probably reacting to how utterly terrible I feel about myself right now. I really can't imagine feeling in anyway attractive any time soon and just feel so awkward around him.

I know it probably sounds ridiculous, but I hadn't really thought I looked that bad, I was conscious of being in bigger clothes but still thought I was looking ok, hadn't realised it was a big issue for him

The Princess Bride

LauraM87 wrote: »

....not line out a pile of sweets in front of me all the time etc
...stop planning dates around 3 course meals as at the moment I eat out 5 days for work and then most weekends with him. No excuse I know but I need to cut it back to help lose weight

To be blunt.
Unless your husband is spoon feeding you these sweets and meals, you cannot hold him responsible for your weight gain.

Re: eating out with work.
You don't have to have a 3course meal-watch your portion size,choose salads, have a main course,bulk up on veg/dressing free salad.Drink lots of water.
As for exercise-10minutes daily of a fast walk will do wonders for you for starters.Thwn build on this according to your schedule -get husband to join you ,perhaps?

Download the MyFitnessPal app- it is brilliant for helping with calorie counting.
There is a Health & Fitness forum here on boards.ie- everyone supports & advises each other.

Your husband might have done you a favour by telling you the truth.
Losing 2 stone is achievable, in a reasonably short period of time too- you can do it & be healthier & happy also.

Tasden

While it would be nice for him to help you and support you in losing weight it is your responsibility. Ok so it doesn't help that he puts sweets in front of you or that your dates involve meals, but you cant blame him or expect that he stops his eating habits, if you controlled your eating the rest of the time or even chose the healthiest meal while on dates then none of that would make a difference. I'm not saying he shouldn't help you or that you're wrong to want his support, its a great idea if he can help you tackle your weight as a couple and eat/prepare healthy meals but you seem to believe its his responsibility

dellas1979

LauraM87 wrote: »

I really feel like if his saying it I must look horrific and have never felt more embarrassed or self conscious in my life.

Im pretty sure you dont. Youve just put on some weight.

OP-am really interested to know why this has made such an impact on you, as if all of a sudden? I feel it would be interesting for you to find out or understand your eating patterns - you need to understand why you do this before you get anywhere. At the moment, its quite a standard 101 case of deflection (as in blame everyone else instead of taking responsibility for yourself).

Its his fault for booking restaurants, his fault for buying sweets, the jobs fault for eating out, the jobs fault for making you stressed/travel.

Its your brain (where the (mixed up) messages are coming from)
Its your mouth (where the food is going in)
And its your body thats taking the toll.

LauraM87

Haha I literally just downloaded myfitnesspal and couch25k! I will def sort it out and will just have to try my best when out, even if it takes a while I'm sure he'd be happy to see me trying etc.

I am not blaming him for my eating habits. And I know I its completely my responsibility. I had actually told him yest I was going running this morn and he was pissed off as said he wanted us to spend the day together and some quality time as I am away next week working. So I cancelled on my running buddy and then agreed to go out for the day with hubbie (prior to our row - obv we didn't end up going today) I've told him I'll give 100% to my eating but he has to be supportive I.e. come running with me or just let me have d hour to myself.

Any advice on how to get some confidence back tho? I literally feel like crap and can't exactly imagine being comfortable around him until I'm skinny

LauraM87

Dellas - good questions. I guess its just the shock of someone else saying it to me. I am my own worst enemy and quite hard on myself.

I've done counselling before for an eating disorder - I know why I eat - previous past experiences and stress.

I guess thats why I am surprised he said it the way he did.

The past issues I've dealt with.

The stress of this year has been a lot to do with my OH, moving abroad and moving back again after 6 months and all the upheavel to our lives. Not an excuse just the reason I am stressed. But I get I need to get it sorted

dellas1979

LauraM87 wrote: »

I've told him I'll give 100% to my eating but he has to be supportive I.e. come running with me or just let me have d hour to myself.

Good for you. That is a good point to make to him.

LauraM87 wrote: »

Any advice on how to get some confidence back tho? I literally feel like crap and can't exactly imagine being comfortable around him until I'm skinny

Sweet heart-if you loved (or learned to love) yourself, youd feel mighty better. Even when crappy situations like this happen, you'd shrug it off.

You shouldnt be loosing the weight for him. The focus shouldnt be "If I loose weight for him hell find me attractive again".

The focus should be doing it for you. Because it makes you happy.

Thats why I suggest, if you can, Id urge you to look into things a little more, the comfort eating, your confidence and self-esteem. For yourself. To understand yourself and giving yourself a chance to sort these things out.

Ok-you know or have found that you eat from stress, but do you know why? Do you understand why exactly this happens? If you want it to stop, you have to understand, for want of a better expression "the nature of the beast". Its all triggered behaviour. I bet youve found yourself mid-chew and probably dont even remember how the food got in there, right?

SamforMayo

LauraM87 wrote: »

Haha I literally just downloaded myfitnesspal and couch25k! I will def sort it out and will just have to try my best when out, even if it takes a while I'm sure he'd be happy to see me trying etc.

I am not blaming him for my eating habits. And I know I its completely my responsibility. I had actually told him yest I was going running this morn and he was pissed off as said he wanted us to spend the day together and some quality time as I am away next week working. So I cancelled on my running buddy and then agreed to go out for the day with hubbie (prior to our row - obv we didn't end up going today) I've told him I'll give 100% to my eating but he has to be supportive I.e. come running with me or just let me have d hour to myself.

Any advice on how to get some confidence back tho? I literally feel like crap and can't exactly imagine being comfortable around him until I'm skinny

I think as soon as you see a few Ibs coming off your confidence will
Return. Treat yourself in other ways like getting your hair done or nails etc. pick clothes that you feel good in. As for the fact he did nt want you go running I would be telling him very clearly that it's a priority. He sounds a bit immature in his handling of the situation. Tried to use exercise to help with your stress instead of food. Good luck with all

Beaner1

I always told my partner id leave her if she changed in bad way. That's the part of the deal that we both remain attractive to each other and not take the other for granted.

cristeoir

Beaner1 wrote: »

I always told my partner id leave her if she changed in bad way. That's the part of the deal that we both remain attractive to each other and not take the other for granted.

Wow isn't she the lucky girl:rolleyes:
OP ,instead of going out for meals on your date night why not do something like dancing ,swimming ,yoga or even just a long walk together .

Neyite

Op, I've just completed the couch to 5k, and I highly recommend it. Book a race to do for a date near the end of when you are due to complete it. I did my race with someone who is a few months further than me and did the race at my pace, encouraging me.

I've just booked my second race. And want to attempt the 30 day shred. The diet I'm working on, just trying to make small changes here and there and keeping the odd treat.

If he is going to be supportive and helpful to your efforts then that's all fine, but if he is going to continue to fill the house with junk food while saying he's gone off you, then you don't need that.

professore

cristeoir wrote: »

Wow isn't she the lucky girl:rolleyes:
OP ,instead of going out for meals on your date night why not do something like dancing ,swimming ,yoga or even just a long walk together .

It's mutual with them, so fair enough.

rcarroll

To lose weight you need to watch food. I found cutting out alcohol during the week made a huge difference and limiting it on weekends.. I ate sugar when stressed for energy..which is a vicious cycle as it gives a rush then a drop which triggers more eating so cut down or out completely sugar for 2/3 weeks and let your body adjust to its normal state before reintroducing it slowly and in the right form (honey in cooking for eg, not sweets)...

Excercise is great for boosting mood and confidence...I really feel good about my body when I'm training as you realise how amazing your body is to be able to do these thibgs, how good it feels to be strong...building tone and muscle will make you look better in your clothes regardless your weight..it also releases happy hormones and helps with stress and depression. Try yoga- there are lots of free videos online and classes

LegacyUser

Op on the one hand I admire your husband for calling you out on the binge eating and weight issue as its hard to watch somebody making bad food choices and just going up and up on the scales plus its a really contentious issue, nobody likes to be called fat. However on the other hand I'm a little pi$$ed at his reaction to you when you wanted to go running with your friend yesterday!!
He wants you to lose weight, watch what you eat yet he is filling the house with junk, didn't want you to exercise yesterday because he wanted to spend the day with you as you are away next week!! He can't have everything.

Running is probably one of the easiest things to do as you just need a pair of trainers, gym gear and off you go. It doesn't take all day! So you could have gone out yesterday done an hour and still had the rest of the day to spend with your husband. Also that time with your friend and the bit of fresh air might have made you feel a whole lot better. Instead you are left feeling like sh!t and conscious of how you look!!
I'm not sure where you are based but if you look up the Parkruns these are free 5ks on Saturday mornings at 9.30 so you could go along with a friend do a short warm up, the run itself and cool down and you'd be done before 11.

Regardless of the weight issue, you need to look at dealing with stressful situations in your life, whether you are fat/slim, stress is bad for health overall and leads to high blood pressure. Would you consider doing some meditation or yoga to deal with the stress? or maybe go back to your counselor to deal with everything that's going on in your life.

It might be worth keeping a food diary for the next two weeks and look at what you are eating and drinking. When eating out you don't have to eat a three course meal, maybe when everyone is having dessert have a tea/coffee.

Do activities that you enjoy and not to lose weight otherwise it will become a chore. Don't go on a crash diet, lose the weight slowly and for you not because your husband is not attracted because of it. If he is not attracted to you anymore because of your weight then you have some serious issues as there is more to a person than what size they are. Best of luck

skallywag

I can relate to this story OP, my own OH has also put on a lot of weight over the last while, and I have pointed this out to her straight out on a few occasions. I know that she would like to lose it, but to be frank she just doesn't seem to have the willpower to do anything meaningful about it, and I've pretty much given up and accepted it. We even entered a pact some time back that I would quit smoking if she lost some weight, I kept my side of things but she didn't . What can I say, I'm the ultimate winner in that one anyway. To be completely blunt my OH is just too lazy to do something about it, and nothing I can do or say is going to change this.