Aspergers and how to deal with it.

Aspie_14

Hi all

Hoping for a bit of help with my Aspergers because to be honest I just don't know how to cope with it anymore and I feel as if it is holding me back.

The first problem is my work history. I have a Science degree which I can do very little with. I can't get a proper job in my field (Earth Sciences) and I don't have the money to upskill to a Masters. I keep finding myself in completely unsuitable roles and not lasting very long in them (Bar work,retail etc) .Im not lazy by any means but I struggle to work off my own initiative and I cannot multi task. I can't seem to find a role which I would be suited for. I'm good with stats I'm good with databases,I'm good with maps and I have no problems in writing technical reports. However I cannot find a suitable job,something analytic in nature.

The next problem is my relationships. The unemployment is putting a strain on my relationship with my parents and I feel as if I have drinking buddies rather then friends. I'd love a girlfriend but I'd have no idea on how to go about developing a meaningful relationship. I can pull when I'm out and I can talk to people but I find it extremely hard to let my guard down and actually allow someone in and develop a friendship

My mindset is my third problem I'm far to analytical in my approach to problems instead of going off my gut this leads me to over analyse and sometimes over focus on a problem which does more harm then good.



I'm not looking for sympathy but what I am looking for is a workable solution or useful advice

ezra_pound

Do you really have aspergers?

Aspie_14

ezra_pound wrote: »

Do you really have aspergers?

Yea I was diagnosed when I was 11

ezra_pound

Aspie_14 wrote: »

Yea I was diagnosed when I was 11

Sorry. I must only know people with much more extreme cases where talking about being able to "pull girls" on a night out or work in retail are simply not options. Just hard for me to fit in with my experience of the condition.

How did studying earth science suit you? Was it a suitable environment for you? Can you find any unpaid voluntary work in that field?

Aspie_14

ezra_pound wrote: »

Sorry. I must only know people with much more extreme cases where talking about being able to "pull girls" on a night out or work in retail are simply not options. Just hard for me to fit in with my experience of the condition.

How did studying earth science suit you? Was it a suitable environment for you? Can you find any unpaid voluntary work in that field?

Yea I wouldn't class myself as an extreme case and for most of time during secondary school and college I could actually mask it even some of school friends don't know I have it.For someone with Aspergers I have good interpersonal skills and I'm fairly confident which helps in retail or if your on the pull. I have the confidence but I've no self esteem, People only really to tend to see one side of me

The problems arise in work mainly with my inability to work under a certain type of pressure like I'm grand with deadlines or pressure in a "test environment" for example where I can focus on one task but if I have a manager hounding me to multi task I'll just get nervous

While I have good interpersonal skills I struggle to develop a relationship and that would go for both sexes and it really shouldn't be a problem because for the most part people like me.

As for work experience I've done four months done the country on job bridge issues outside of work (trying to live on 200 Euros a week,being on your own etc) just effected my work that and I found the job to be completely unrelated to my degree.

Am assuming you have a high functioning aspergers since you are intelligent and able to completely focus on tasks.
You must have taught yourself how to interact with people as you grew up which masked the quite marked inability of people with aspergers to socialise.
However, you don't allow anyone to get behind your mask.
How well do you understand your condition? Have you read some of the excellent books there are about people with aspergers and those written by people with aspergers?
There may well be support groups around the country, so you should seek them out. I can't give you advice and few people on here can give you the advice you need. The best people to talk to are those close to people with aspergers or those who live with it.
Don't be disillusioned though as there are many, many people like you who end up in meaningful relationships. I once read an article that stated if many of the top company executives were analyzed, many of them would be in the aspergers spectrum. You will eventually find the right job for you and when you do, you will be very successful at it. It can take time though.
Am speaking as a parent with a son who has aspergers and is highly intelligent but socially inept. There are several members of my family with aspergers, so I had done much reading and discussion with schools, psychologists etc.

Aspie_14

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Am assuming you have a high functioning aspergers since you are intelligent and able to completely focus on tasks.
You must have taught yourself how to interact with people as you grew up which masked the quite marked inability of people with aspergers to socialise.
However, you don't allow anyone to get behind your mask.
How well do you understand your condition? Have you read some of the excellent books there are about people with aspergers and those written by people with aspergers?
There may well be support groups around the country, so you should seek them out. I can't give you advice and few people on here can give you the advice you need. The best people to talk to are those close to people with aspergers or those who live with it.
Don't be disillusioned though as there are many, many people like you who end up in meaningful relationships. I once read an article that stated if many of the top company executives were analyzed, many of them would be in the aspergers spectrum. You will eventually find the right job for you and when you do, you will be very successful at it. It can take time though.
Am speaking as a parent with a son who has aspergers and is highly intelligent but socially inept. There are several members of my family with aspergers, so I had done much reading and discussion with schools, psychologists etc.

Yea its high functioning. My interpersonal skills where never an issue while I'm reserved and very modest I don't shy away from human contact or interaction but I really struggle to let my guard down and let people in but at the same time I need someone who could see through that mask

As for my understanding of the condition. I understand that people with Aspergers tend to be better with there long term memory and have a head for numbers so to speak but they lack social skills or working with there short term memory. They normally tend to have normal to above average intelligence.

Rubberchikken

if you want to build a relationship with someone, then you realise you need to do more than going out on the town to 'pull'.

have you any interests that you could pursue in a social/club setting? there's nothing like engaging in a shared interest to encourage friendship which in turn, could lead to more.
would you consider returning to college? Earth Sciences sounds interesting but it's probably a limited field in a small country.

i hope you find a solution. good luck

LegacyUser

Aspie_14 wrote: »

Yea its high functioning. My interpersonal skills where never an issue while I'm reserved and very modest I don't shy away from human contact or interaction but I really struggle to let my guard down and let people in but at the same time I need someone who could see through that mask

I have a son who is a borderline aspie (he just missed the diagnosis through being considered too sociable, in that he wants to make friends. This may be reviewed at some point...). Anyhow, this is relevant because I have seen how he gives up on friendships with others so easily. From one day to the next, you'd never know if he was going to accept company or reject it, and his only friends (lasting ones) have been the two people who KEPT COMING BACK. I highlight that, because it takes a special kind of tolerance to accept that one day your friend might be distant and strange with you, and the next day want to hang around.

To my mind, your mask might be your downfall and what I mean by that is the fact that you conceal your asperger's condition. There are many people out there who would be extremely tolerant of difference and welcome different people into their lives to what ever extent the other person is able to handle. Why don't you try to identify the ways that you feel you push people away, and possibly explain to people you like that your friendship may come across as a bit different to others? I can't think of any reason that you wouldn't receive understanding and acceptance of your reserve and occasional distance.

Friendship is only that you know people who genuinely accept you for who you are, and value your company (when you feel comfortable being in their company). You sound young OP, and as for girlfriends, well it takes everyone time to meet someone who they really click with and in your case it is definitely going to be someone who understands your neuro-type. That will come, as and when you yourself educate others about who you are. That's all dropping the mask is - tell people about yourself OP!

Best of luck for your future career as well - no advice there, sorry.

LegacyUser

Ps. On the topic of telling people about yourself: You will find (if you listen to people with this knowledge on board) that most people talk about themselves all the time. They refer to their own experiences even when a friend is talking to what is going on for themselves. This is so sometimes the friend might pick up on something in the other person's experiences or opinions and be able to get something useful out of it.

To my knowledge, Aspies don't do this so much and might not see the benefits of talking about themselves and giving their own opinions as something that might enhance a conversation or friendship. This is where your self-esteem might hold you back as well. Why not practice putting your own experiences into a conversation? Value yourself and your thoughts/feelings more and put them out there OP, and don't stress about how you come across. You'll be just fine if you're being yourself, and honesty is a trait that many people value above all others. Be yourself, warts and all.

Bicycle

"I'm good with stats I'm good with databases,I'm good with maps and I have no problems in writing technical reports. However I cannot find a suitable job,something analytic in nature."

Consider doing a course in computing. There are a number of HDips in Computing being taught around the country and you most likely qualify for one. And there are jobs in computing at the moment. The great thing about computing is that its more about the machine and less about the people around you.

I speak as the Mum of a teenage boy with Aspergers so I understand a bit.

If you have some computing skills you could also do some voluntary work - there are a number of initiatives getting people who are IT savvy to teach older people how to do the basics e.g. Skype, paying bills, sending e-mails etc. And I find with our son that he gets on better with people older than him than with people his own age group.

There are also a number of facebook pages run by people with Aspergers for people (and their families) with AS. Join them, chat with others in the same boat.

REMEMBER, what makes people with Asperger Syndrome different makes them special.

Shout

I talked to a doctor a number of years ago who specialised in the asd spectrum. He told me that my sister,who was and still is undiagnosed with aspergers could go to trinity college and also get rooms there through a grant of some sort if she got the diognoses. Have a look on their website - they have a section for asd students. Hope that helps....

castaway_lady

Are you aware that there's a lot of discussion recently about the likes of aspergers being over diagnosed and not always correctly. Could be worth another diagnosis?

What about springboard courses in IT?