Really Embarassed

Tetra

This is very small compared to other peoples problems, but I am mortified.

I am 33 years old, female, single and I have had problems in my past, and I have worked hard to overcome them.

I am the youngest in my family, and my family (parents and aunts and uncles) can be quite controlling.

A while ago, I started chatting to men online, and I have met up with a few of them, just for fun, I don't want to get married or anything like that.

I had borrowed my aunts laptop while she was away, and I forgot to delete a file. This was totally my fault. She found the file and read it, and there were pictures as well. I got a big lecture tonight and I am really upset and embarrassed. She said that I am "innocent and from a good family" and "this is not the right way to meet people". I am really upset at the invasion of privacy. I am in my 30s, I am not a kid. A few years ago, I went out with an Indian guy and I got a big lecture about that as well. She is a doctor, and she gave me a talking-to about the pill. My brother thinks that the reason she is like this is because she missed out on the whole marriage and kids thing herself.

I know it's not a big deal, but I am raging. My friend hasn't stopped laughing and said at least it wasn't my dad who read them. She said I'm being too hard on myself as usual.

Lisha

You've nothing to be embarrassed about.
Your aunt on the other hand actually should be embarrassed . It's none of her bloody business what you do. And she definately has no right or reason to judge you.
If you don't wNt to tell her to sod off then just nod and smile and completely ignore her.

Rubberchikken

Is it just your aunt that's commenting?
Tbh the only thing that was 'wrong' was forgetting to delete a file.
You've done nothing illegal and your aunt should be less judgemenral.
She may also be a little worried for your safety. She may also want to save you from the life she may have.

Don't be too annoyed with her and don't be embarrassed. It'a done.

Stavro Mueller

I have to admit I'd feel the very same. Mortified and furious. The only thing is, you will feel better about it as time goes on. I find that a (good) night's sleep can work wonders for making things seem less awful the next day.

Your aunt was waaaay out of order though. If she had any class at all she would've quietly deleted the file and said nothing. Next time she decides to air her opinions, shut her down politely but firmly. It's the sort of thing you need to practice but it's a good tactic to have.

tomwaterford

ignore her.....who is she to be telling you how to live your life??

you'll look back and laugh in a few years

ManOfMystery

Tetra wrote: »

This is very small compared to other peoples problems, but I am mortified.

I am 33 years old, female, single and I have had problems in my past, and I have worked hard to overcome them.

I am the youngest in my family, and my family (parents and aunts and uncles) can be quite controlling.

A while ago, I started chatting to men online, and I have met up with a few of them, just for fun, I don't want to get married or anything like that.

I had borrowed my aunts laptop while she was away, and I forgot to delete a file. This was totally my fault. She found the file and read it, and there were pictures as well. I got a big lecture tonight and I am really upset and embarrassed. She said that I am "innocent and from a good family" and "this is not the right way to meet people". I am really upset at the invasion of privacy. I am in my 30s, I am not a kid. A few years ago, I went out with an Indian guy and I got a big lecture about that as well. She is a doctor, and she gave me a talking-to about the pill. My brother thinks that the reason she is like this is because she missed out on the whole marriage and kids thing herself.

I know it's not a big deal, but I am raging. My friend hasn't stopped laughing and said at least it wasn't my dad who read them. She said I'm being too hard on myself as usual.

So let me get this right - your single, childless Aunt is telling you how you should manage relationships?

I know what I'd be telling her, and it wouldn't be nice. Your friend is right, you are being too hard on yourself. Don't put so much stock in what your aunt thinks, and do what makes you happy. Oh, and she also needs told to respect your privacy in future.

freshpopcorn

I think the only mistake you made was not deleting the file.
I'm not defending your aunt but she's probably from an older generation and views things differently.
Don't worry about it.

LegacyUser

OP
I'd be mortified too if, at the age of 33, I paid any heed to anyone's judgement of me.
If your family is too controlling, then cut yourself free. What's stopping you from doing anything you want is yourself....feeling somehow guilty of what others think.
Times have changed. This is how we communicate ; on line.... We do business on line...get advice on line.... This is life now, and in the modern world.
This whole "oh you're from a good family" lark really gets my goat.
What, just because you're from a good family that you can't communicate with people....
If I were you I would tell my aunt to .... Well, I won't write what I would say(I'm from a good family you know)
OP : do what you want with your dating life. Yes, be careful about who you meet, do your own background checks and meet in a public place etc etc....but who or how you conduct your private life is of no concern to anyone else. Period.
Best of luck

Strawberry Swan

Good on you for overcoming your issues and making an effort to socialise and meet guys. Meeting online is one of the main ways for single people to meet up for heaven's sake. What century is your aunt from? Ok, the last century but you know what I mean People often dress up judgmental attitudes with concern but she seems only concerned with constricting your sexuality as perhaps hers was by her family. She should have said nothing because you did nothing wrong. Your life is your business and no one elses. It's not even your families business. Try to remember that and maybe in the future you can laugh about this story.

piperh

I agree with others it's entirely your choice and you are being to hard on yourself.

I do also think your aunt needs cutting some slack as well. You used her laptop and left files on it, she wasn't invading your privacy going through your draws or anything, she is perfectly entitled to check anything on her laptop. There is also the possibility she wasn't sure what the file was and thought it was spam when she opened it and then became worried enough to say something.

Now if I was you I'd be saying to myself " my life, my decisions" and put this behind me by going out and living that life.

kjl

You are 33, and perfectly allowed to do anything you want, but you aunt does have a point. I assume the pictures were of the raunchy type and you should know that there is no such thing as deleting those pictures. They are out there now and you don't know how responsible a stranger on the internet is going to be with those photos.

Magicmatilda

kjl wrote: »

You are 33, and perfectly allowed to do anything you want, but you aunt does have a point. I assume the pictures were of the raunchy type and you should know that there is no such thing as deleting those pictures. They are out there now and you don't know how responsible a stranger on the internet is going to be with those photos.

I agree with the above. Sending photos to strangers or even people who you are not in a stable relationship with just isn't a good idea in my opinion. Sure they could end up anywhere.

On a separate note the line "I don't want to get married or anything like that" seems strange to me. I mean there are plenty of people out there who don't want to get married and that is grand and a choice people make. But it just came accross as though you would be embarrassed or ashamed if you did want to get married. Maybe I am way off but there is nothing worng with a 33 year old woman using online dating sites in the hope of finding a life partner. That said send them naked photos is probably not the behaviour to be engaging in if that is what you are looking for. It attracts the wrong kind of guy (not a popular opinion I am sure in these liberated days but there ya go)

Finally she did not invade your privacy, you left a file on her laptop. Be more careful in future.

she is entitled to her opinion of what you use her laptop for but equally you are entitled to tell her to mind her own business. If you can't do that you may need to learn to be more assertive and maybe look to working on your self esteem.

Sun in Capri

OP at 33 you are an independent person who makes their own decisions and choices. People do treat us how we allow them to treat us. If we come across childish or unsure of ourselves we will be treated accordingly. You did a foolish think leaving that file on your aunts lap top. We all do foolish things from time to time and there are usually consequences of some kind. Learn from your mistake and move on. Very soon you will look back and laugh at the situation. Most importantly be assertive and if anyone starts giving you adivse you don't want, tell them if you want their advise you will ask for it.

Emme

Tetra wrote: »

I had borrowed my aunts laptop while she was away, and I forgot to delete a file. This was totally my fault. She found the file and read it, and there were pictures as well. I got a big lecture tonight and I am really upset and embarrassed.

She said that I am "innocent and from a good family" and "this is not the right way to meet people". I am really upset at the invasion of privacy. I am in my 30s, I am not a kid. A few years ago, I went out with an Indian guy and I got a big lecture about that as well. She is a doctor, and she gave me a talking-to about the pill.

My brother thinks that the reason she is like this is because she missed out on the whole marriage and kids thing herself.

Your aunt is trying to be helpful but she has no right to tell you how to live your life. Even so it is not a good idea to use someone else's laptop to send x-rated pictures if that's what you were doing.

Maybe your aunt is concerned about you because she missing out on marriage and children and doesn't want you to have the same fate. She may well have been independent like you when she was in her 30s and is looking back with regret now. The irony is that your aunt may have been less exposed to players, scammers and married men when she was dating than people are now through internet dating. You didn't say how old your aunt is but she could well have tried internet dating herself and got burned with a married man or a scammer. If this happened she might be deeply ashamed of it and may be trying to protect you from the same fate. Or some of the men you are meeting might be in her age group and she is jealous (again who you meet is entirely your own business). She was completely out of order to lecture you about the Indian guy.

With internet dating as with all dating practise safe sex (the pill doesn't protect against HIV if you're meeting guys for hookups) and check backgrounds as well as you can to make sure people are who and what they say they are.

Good luck, but as an aside, you may not want to get married now but do you want children? If you're definite about wanting children you would need to consider finding a partner sooner rather than later.

GerB40

Tetra wrote: »

This is very small compared to other peoples problems, but I am mortified.

I am 33 years old, female, single and I have had problems in my past, and I have worked hard to overcome them.

I am the youngest in my family, and my family (parents and aunts and uncles) can be quite controlling.

A while ago, I started chatting to men online, and I have met up with a few of them, just for fun, I don't want to get married or anything like that.

I had borrowed my aunts laptop while she was away, and I forgot to delete a file. This was totally my fault. She found the file and read it, and there were pictures as well. I got a big lecture tonight and I am really upset and embarrassed. She said that I am "innocent and from a good family" and "this is not the right way to meet people". I am really upset at the invasion of privacy. I am in my 30s, I am not a kid. A few years ago, I went out with an Indian guy and I got a big lecture about that as well. She is a doctor, and she gave me a talking-to about the pill. My brother thinks that the reason she is like this is because she missed out on the whole marriage and kids thing herself.

I know it's not a big deal, but I am raging. My friend hasn't stopped laughing and said at least it wasn't my dad who read them. She said I'm being too hard on myself as usual.

You're aunt sounds like a bitch. There's always one in the family. She's clearly bitter over how her life panned out and hates seeing others be what she wanted to be. It's surprisingly common...

skallywag

It's not that long ago at all that meeting someone through the interweb would have been thought of in the mainstream as being out of the norm, weird and possibly a bit seedy, i.e. ''well why can't you meet someone the normal way like everyone else", etc. Those days are gone of course, but some, like your aunt, are set in their ways and most likely won't ever move on.

The main lesson I would take from this is never use someone else's computer for internet dating ...

Tetra

Thank you all for your replies.

I apologise for my choice of words. I do not think that there is anything wrong with wanting to get married.

I can't remember exactly, but I don't think that the pictures were of me. They were mostly of the men themselves.

I was just very taken aback because she went on a big rant about "innocent and naive women who get ripped off by these types" and she made some reference to a radio show about scammers and this "is not the right way to meet people". She caught me completely off guard.

And yes, I have been in therapy to learn how to deal with my issues and be more assertive.

Anyway, I have learned my lesson, and will be using my own phone and laptop in future.

Emme

Tetra wrote: »

Thank you all for your replies.

I apologise for my choice of words. I do not think that there is anything wrong with wanting to get married.

I can't remember exactly, but I don't think that the pictures were of me. They were mostly of the men themselves.

I was just very taken aback because she went on a big rant about "innocent and naive women who get ripped off by these types" and she made some reference to a radio show about scammers and this "is not the right way to meet people". She caught me completely off guard.

And yes, I have been in therapy to learn how to deal with my issues and be more assertive.

Anyway, I have learned my lesson, and will be using my own phone and laptop in future.

I think your aunt may have been ripped off herself by someone she met online and is trying to protect you from the same fate. You cannot change your attitude, just use your own phone and laptop in future.