Emotionally abusive relationships

ILoveMonkeys

Hi ladies,

Has anyone ever been in an emotionally abusive relationship?

Were there tell-tale signs from the beginning and how did it progress?

Did you find the courage to leave?

eviltwin

From the Women's Aid website:

Emotional abuse is a highly effective means of establishing a power imbalance within a relationship. It is often unseen or intangible to those outside the relationship. Emotional abuse is as harmful as physical violence. It often involves threats of and actual physical or sexual abuse.

It includes:

being put down
being constrantly criticised
being constantly controlled and monitored by the use of technology: including their phone use being checked and recorded; their mobile phone logs being checked and having all text messages read; abusers using spyware to read emails and secretly installing cameras in the house.
threats by the abuser to kill women, the children, members of women's family, or himself, including details of how and when he will do it.
property being destroyed including their cars, furniture, clothes, and home.
being referred to using derogatory language including calling women 'it', 'bitch'.
being trapped as the abuser takes their car keys, empties the petrol from their cars, and steals or smashes phones so women cannot seek assistance.
never being left on their own; women being followed room to room; being accompanied to all outside activities.

I have a friend who lost 10 yrs of her life to a waste of space who constantly put her down. He was a typical street angel, house devil and it took her a long time to see him for what he was. She is in a happy place now with a lovely guy but her confidence is still affected. It would have been easier if he just hit her, I'm not being flippant when I say that but its a lot more obvious that its abuse, emotional abuse is so subtle it can be hard to know whats normal.

Every relationship has its ups and downs, people fight, people say things in the heat of the moment, people make jokes that might seem a bit off to the outside world, you know your relationship better than anyone, you know what is acceptable and what feels right for you.

A good rule of thumb is ask yourself what is the intent, you could be having a nice time, in a great mood and he'll say something, even something throwaway like "you're not going out in that are you" and you're immediately brought down again. In some relationships that could be a totally innocent comment "you're not going out in that are you" could be followed by "the blue dress looks amazing on you, why don't you wear that instead". But if his intent is to make you feel hurt or damage your confidence its abuse.

You really need to talk it out with someone, I would call Women's Aid, its free 1800 341 900. Please call them, don't feel you are wasting your time, emotional abuse is just as bad as anything physical.

Rosy Posy

I was in a controlling, emotionally abusive relationship from 18-20. Looking back the first sign that should have had me running was when we had our first disagreement and he was incapable of listening to my pov and shouted me down/intimidated me into submission. I began to change myself for him- dumbing down because he was made insecure by my intelligence; changed the way I dressed and began wearing make up all the time (at his request); isolated myself from friends, and dropped out of college. Towards the end I was so miserable but had convinced myself because of his emotional abuse that I was stuck with him because no one else would have me. He used to scream and shout and throw things at me and our landlord overheard and evicted him. He went home to his parents but I was working nights and they lived miles from my work so I moved in with a friend short term. Getting out of the domestic situation (cooking and cleaning for him as well as earning all the money while he sat on the couch playing computer games and smoking dope) started to break the spell and my friend who I was staying with gradually made me see sense. Around this time we were arguing a lot as I started to talk back to him and in order to win any argument he would break up with me whereupon I would beg him to take me back. My friend convinced me that the next time he did so I was to just walk away, which I did. It was a horrible time in my life but it's helped me to be really clear on my boundaries and what kind of behaviour is unacceptable in my future relationships.

Confused12345

ILoveMonkeys wrote: »

Hi ladies,

Has anyone ever been in an emotionally abusive relationship?

Were there tell-tale signs from the beginning and how did it progress?

Did you find the courage to leave?

I was in what I now know as emotionally abusive relationship but didn't want to see it at the time , I was with this person for 2 1/2 years during this time he chipped away at my confidence and self respect , to the outside world he was a complete gentleman and every time he done something that deep down I knew was wrong I convinced myself it must be me because everyone was always telling me how nice he was , my one wish is that I had have follow what I call my gut it told me to run a mile but I was so in love with this man I think I would have done anything for him which scars me now , he was very good at playing the victim and had me convinced I could not walk away from him as he wouldn't be able to live without me , I spend most of the 2 years trying to build up his confidence not realising what he was doing to me , to this day I haven't told many people the true facts of our relationship , a couple of months before we broke up I started standing up for myself again and he didn't like this I'm embarrassed to say I still didn't walk away I just didn't have the strength to do it , I was devastated when we broke up but so relieved but for months after I still wanted him back as I didn't know how to be myself anymore , I sometimes to wished that he had have hit me as at least people would see the marks , now the comments are just you have to get on with it , I would beg anyone that is in this kind of relationship to tell your family and friends get out before it's too late

a year later and a lot of hard work I'm still feeling the effects this relationship had on me
before I met this man I was a confident woman now I second guess every decision I make and suffer anxiety doing daily things that I wouldn't have thought twice about before

I'm not fully back to myself yet but I'm getting there and the only thing I am sure of is
I won't let him still control my life

Op .if you are in this kind of relationship I beg you to get some help as a woman that has suffered this I know how you are feeling and deep down you know what you need to do

xxxxxx

Neyite

I think the emotional abuse I endured damaged me more than the physical abuse. I could point the finger at my bruises and say "thats abusive" but when you are being slagged off and you object to being called derogatory names you get accused of being humorless or hormonal; when you get gaslighted you can honestly feel that you are going crazy.

An excellent book I always recommend is this one. If anyone wants to have a read of it, pm me in confidence.

bscm

We were good friends for a few years before anything happened, but that did make his behaviour even more hurtful. He very kindly stopped speaking to me after we slept together, so I thought it was because I was appalling in bed (despite it being my first time). Our relationship deteriorated rapidly. I would get given out to at every opportunity. He would take his anger out on me for things other people did. I was told I was worthless. I didn't deserve getting job interviews because I only got the offers due to "knowing people".

He would constantly spend his wages within a week so I bought him lunch a lot ( barely had enough to feed myself), because I preferred skipping meals than dealing with him hungry and even more angry than usual. I also hoped he would recognise the gesture and be nicer to me. He would yell at me in front of our friends regularly if I asked for help or annoyed him. He also liked yelling at me in public places when I tried to tell him his behaviour was upsetting me. I would eventually give up trying to stand up for myself because I believed I was in the wrong. On his birthday, I arranged for a group of us to go out. I had ordered him some cupcakes with some of his favourite games and bands on them but the bakery couldn't fulfil the order due to a flood. He spent quite a bit of the meal telling the table his ex was amazing in bed and that essentially I was one of the worst. I still walked to a shop in the rain after the meal to make sure he had a cake. No thank you, or apology for his behaviour, just "where are the candles?".

Our friends begged me to stop. They would pull me aside and tell me I was being abused. That he was out of order and I needed to stop defending him. It got to a point where some of them refused to come out if he was going to be there.

Throughout the entire relationship, I kept telling myself that the person I knew would come back. That this new person was temporary. That if I showed him how much I cared, helped him, been there for him, he would come back. That my friend for so long would never intentionally hurt me. I spent months crying. My grades and life outside of the relationship suffered. I believed I was as worthless as he made me feel.

We eventually lost contact as summer started but I missed him like crazy. I ended up getting one of the jobs I interviewed for. It was a fairly big deal placement. I excelled in it. I received so much praise that I broke down one day in the office. I had spent months feeling like I deserved to be treated like dirt that getting that much recognition was overwhelming. Some of the girls took me under their wing and taught me how to be more assertive, how to recognise when I was right, how to not put up with crap. It changed me, having these successful, strong female professionals teach me that I am worth something and can make a difference.

After the summer, I was more confident. I was terrified that my feelings would return when I saw him again. Thankfully they didn't. I was no longer afraid to call him out on his crap. I was walking taller, speaking with more conviction and feeling better than I had in years.

TL:DR you need to believe you *are* worth more than you think. It's hard to get out of an abusive relationship, but it is possible and it takes time to fully believe in yourself. When you do, it's one of the most liberating feelings I've ever experienced

Rosy Posy

bscm wrote: »

you need to believe you *are* worth more than you think. It's hard to get out of an abusive relationship, but it is possible and it takes time to fully believe in yourself. When you do, it's one of the most liberating feelings I've ever experienced

I would like to add that once you are free of the relationship it's important to take time to be gentle with yourself and to have good support. As miserable as the relationship was, the time succeeding it was possibly more alienating and potentially dangerous for me. The freedom went to my head and I began engaging in risky behaviour and acting completely out of character. I was unnecessarily cruel to a trio of 'nice' guys intent on starting new relationships and my friendships and relationship with my family suffered. I can see now that this was a manifestation of the battering my self esteem had taken and was a desperate attempt to claw back a sense of power. I wish that I'd been more honest with myself and gotten the professional help that I'd needed.

ivytwine

I'd also like to add that emotionally abusive relationships are not the sole preserve of romantic relationships.

I was friends with a person for 3 years and it was a very damaging relationship; constantly being put down, insulted, belittled. I ended up going to counselling, I felt so rotten. It wasn't until I went to counselling I realised that this person was a big part of why I felt so bad about myself.

Of course it's not as bad as being romantically and sexually involved with someone and having them turn on you, but emotional abuse can occur in friendships, families etc.

OP I hope you're ok and please get help if you need it.

Snoopy1

I went from one emotionally abusive relationship to the next, couldnt get out of the cycle. At the time i felt it was better to be in a relationship (bad as it was) than to be single.
I was constantly put down, changed the way i dressed, stopped going out, stopped watching certain things on tv. Would put up with them not calling for days/weeks then being pathetically grateful when they showed me some attention.
I had one guy go on dating sites behind my back, when i found out he said there was so many better looking girls than me, and he was just keeping an eye out.
I was so desperate to be in a relationship, that i paid for them to come on holiday with me, holidays i hated becasue they spent the whole time moaning.

Now still down, wont really go out, very insecure about how i look. Been with someone for 2 years and i still panic when he doesnt call.
But this time i go away on my own and have great time