porn issues

anniemay1948

Hi all just wondered what ye would have to say on an issue im having.
I recently discovered a huge amount of porn on my fiancés phone, I wouldnt have been too upset until I discovered some of the sites were live chat sites, I feel utterly hurt and betrayed. I feel inadequate as a woman and to make matters worse I am almost 7 months pregnant. we have sex daily at least( which is all about him) so I cant understand his need for this. I really wanted to end the relationship over this as it knocked my self esteem and really hurt, it has totally affected how I feel about him...
any thoughts?

Tokyo

Just because your boyfriend looks at porn, it doesn't mean that he wants to be with someone else instead of you. Guys are pretty visual creatures, and while yes, some guys do end up addicted to porn, looking at said material is completely normal behaviour in most cases. As for the sites being 'live chat sites', pretty much every porn site out there offers some form of live chat as part of their paid subscription - I wouldn't jump to the idea that he's been chatting with anybody - unless you have reason to suspect otherwise then more than likely he's been using the free aspects of the sites.

Obviously it's something that makes you uncomfortable though, and if it has, as you say, totally affected how you feel about him to the point of wanting to end the relationship, then you need to talk to him about it. However, I'd also ask why you were going through his phone to begin with - particularly to the depth of going through every side he's browsed, etc. That's a breach of trust that, in my opinion, would put the relationship at far more risk than your boyfriend looking at porn.

freshpopcorn

Well first of all people are going to say that you shouldn't have being snopping on his phone.
Was he actually talking to people in these live chatting secession's? I know on some sites live chatting secessions can pop up in the bottom corner but that doesn't mean you use them.

anniemay1948

I looked in his phone because I don't now nor did I ever trust him, this isn't the first time I have seen him at this, last time he literally had it in his hand!!! it actually makes me feel sick to think he needs this , not because its porn but that he is lusting and pleasuring himself with other women. I wonder would it be ok if I were to lust after and please myself with other men would it be acceptable....

Taltos

I'm sorry OP but if you never trusted him then why are you with him? Why have a child with him?
Whatever the reason behind the porn your lack of trust in him seems to be more critical here as without it your relationship will never stand a chance.

anniemay1948

im aware these sites have links to live chat sites that pop up but from his search hes actually googling a particular chat site, that would imply he has been chatting or worse...

Penny Tration

Porn and chat sites aside - why did you have a child with him? Why are you with him?

You say you've never trusted him. And tbh, i don't see how he could trust you, since you take it upon yourself to go through his phone more than once.

Why are ye with each other?

anniemay1948

I take everyones point on board about the trust issues regarding the phone, tbh if a baby wasn't on the way I wouldn't be in this relationship sadly.

Tasden

anniemay1948 wrote: »

I take everyones point on board about the trust issues regarding the phone, tbh if a baby wasn't on the way I wouldn't be in this relationship sadly.

A baby is no reason to remain in a bad relationship, if anything a clean slate before baby is born would probably best, rather than a (inevitable it would seem) messy break up after baby arrives. You can both still be great parents, just separately instead of together. Obviously I don't know your circumstances, but just think about it.

anniemay1948

Its not just the porn, I know he has frequented hookers in the past and that upsets me too. Don't feel I can compare to hookers and teen porn!

Tokyo

The question still stands - other than being pregnant by this guy, why are you with him? You obviously don't trust him and have no interest in being in a relationship with him? So why not leave and find somebody that you do trust? That doesn't change the fact that you will still both be parents to your child....

anniemay1948

Nothing is ever that simple ...

Penny Tration

anniemay1948 wrote: »

Nothing is ever that simple ...

Can I ask - why isn't it? Obviously with a baby on the way, it's more complicated. But do you want a child growing up knowing mammy and daddy spy on each other, don't trust each other, have a crap relationship?

What kind of life lesson will that give her?

LegacyUser

anniemay1948 wrote: »

we have sex daily at least( which is all about him) so I cant understand his need for this.

My 2 cents: What's this all about? Do you not deserve to be treated right or something? Sounds like it's all about him, all the time, regardless of your needs. To echo others - why are you with him?

This will not improve when you've had your baby hon. In fact, if you have any thoughts of leaving him, do it now when you're less vulnerable. It'll be much much harder to leave when you have a small baby in the middle of this.

LegacyUser

anniemay1948 wrote: »

I take everyones point on board about the trust issues regarding the phone, tbh if a baby wasn't on the way I wouldn't be in this relationship sadly.

Oh. Missed this post.

OP, your priorities are wrong here hon. You shouldn't be in this relationship BECAUSE a baby is on the way. Seriously.

Think of how hard it'd be to leave now (but how do-able it is). Now treble how hard it'd be and realise it'll be less do-able after the baby. For god's sake, don't stay with him out of some idealism about happy families. This is exactly how people get stuck in crappy relationships.

aidan24326

anniemay1948 wrote: »

Its not just the porn, I know he has frequented hookers in the past and that upsets me too. Don't feel I can compare to hookers and teen porn!

You don't have to compare though, if your bf loves you then he isn't comparing, porn is just a fantasy world, no more real than a movie.

But the issue here is that you don't trust him and you say you wouldn't really want to be in a relationship with him if it wasn't for the baby. There's no good reason to stay in an unhappy relationship, baby or otherwise, it will just become worse over time and you'll be raising your child in a toxic atmosphere. And you know what, life is way too goddamn short to waste it being miserable.

Leaving now may be hard and I'm sure there's practical implications but if you don't trust him and you don't love him (and at no point did you say you do or say anything positive about him) then staying put will be by far the worse option in the long term.

LegacyUser

As usual the backlash to a woman in a vulnerable state and asking for help is met with simplistic and anything but helpful replies such as well 'why are you with him?' It doesn't take much to work out that the OP has wanted to be in a relationship for reasons that are her own business. She's made the decision to get engaged, get pregnant etc. I am sure she sees positive aspects to her man, and it is human to want to focus on what they want in their partner, and in doing so inadvertantly and mistakenly overlooking problems that they thought perhaps would somehow go away as time went on, but realistically would only slowly destroy the relationship. It is easy and understandable to brush a partners 'mistakes' or the less favourable aspects of their character under the carpet when they want to see a future with this person. It is seeing this unrealistic idealised future in their mind that has blinded the OP to what is there in front of her.
The OP is asking is there any hope? Is this man as bad as he seems now in the cold light of day, with a baby and wedding looming. Does she have the strength now to walk away when she knew all along that this man has shown himself to be unappreciative of her loyalty, love and affection. Really the OP is asking is this all there is, can I hope for more? Should I resign myself to the fact that this is what 'men' do, and just deal with the hurt alone? The answer is no. You should not settle. You can't. You would be staying with a man that has a complete and utter disregard for you, and in his use of prostitutes, and dare I say porn and chat sites also, a complete disrespect for women. Do you want your child to have this man as their father? I would hope not.

eviltwin

Asking her "why are you having a baby with him" is pointless, baby is nearly here for goodness sake and its not helpful.

Op I wouldn't trust him either. You don't need this stress in your life, you have a child now to think of and you deserve better. I would end it if I were you, I know it might not be that easy but you should think about moving on alone. He can still be a father to your child but you won't be wondering what he is up to all the time.

aidan24326

Hjhhjfg wrote: »

As usual the backlash to a woman in a vulnerable state and asking for help is met with simplistic and anything but helpful replies such as well 'why are you with him?' It doesn't take much to work out that the OP has wanted to be in a relationship for reasons that are her own business. She's made the decision to get engaged, get pregnant etc. I am sure she sees positive aspects to her man, and it is human to want to focus on what they want in their partner, and in doing so inadvertantly and mistakenly overlooking problems that they thought perhaps would somehow go away as time went on, but realistically would only slowly destroy the relationship. It is easy and understandable to brush a partners 'mistakes' or the less favourable aspects of their character under the carpet when they want to see a future with this person. It is seeing this unrealistic idealised future in their mind that has blinded the OP to what is there in front of her.
The OP is asking is there any hope? Is this man as bad as he seems now in the cold light of day, with a baby and wedding looming. Does she have the strength now to walk away when she knew all along that this man has shown himself to be unappreciative of her loyalty, love and affection. Really the OP is asking is this all there is, can I hope for more? Should I resign myself to the fact that this is what 'men' do, and just deal with the hurt alone? The answer is no. You should not settle. You can't. You would be staying with a man that has a complete and utter disregard for you, and in his use of prostitutes, and dare I say porn and chat sites also, a complete disrespect for women. Do you want your child to have this man as their father? I would hope not.

You were doing fine until here, at which point your own blatant prejudices shone through. Talk about hypocritical!

LegacyUser

aidan24326 wrote: »

You were doing fine until here, at which point your own blatant prejudices shone through. Talk about hypocritical!

I wouldn't call a man who has been unfaithful to his fiancée with prostitutes as very respectful of women no. The porn use appears excessive and has had a detrimental effect on the OPs feelings about herself and him. (I'm not here to debate the rights and wrongs of these things outside of the OPs situation.) If she was fine with it all, then there wouldn't be an issue, but she's clearly not. And who would blame her, particularly in her current state.

txt_mess

I cannot say I disagree with the majority of posters above but this is your life so you need to take a step back and think as you are at a point where you have choices , not easy choices but you can make changes.

Can people change , yes but they have to be willing too. Have you ever talked this through with him? how did it go ? it could be he has some compulsions more then the usual guy wanting to look at naked women and he may feel it's beyond his control and might need some professional help.

Can you live with his past behaviour in the future if he does change do you think you can get beyond this and not let it drag as the elephant in the room in your relationship?

If he's not willing to change this is the worst case and is leaving someone easy , never but at least you can get beyond eventually. Yes if you love someone it can be hard but you cannot survive on just your love I believe you need you partner to show it also by being willing to engage and commit to the relationship. Without that you are more like someone he is on off dating ( and that's the politest way I can say that! ) and has no real commitment to you.

I don't envy your decisions and a new baby does not make it any easier but sometimes we have to bite the bullet and do the best thing for us.

LegacyUser

Hi OP

Going anon here for a reason. I went through something similar with my ex, except I was the culprit, I was the one who betrayed her through using excessive porn, chat sites and sexual encounters with strangers. She didnt know any of this until one day I revealed it to her. However, despite me despicable behaviour (no excuses), I wanted to get help as I felt it was a complusion/addiction and help is what I got. I am glad to say that the therapy has worked and cleared a few things up for me. I am now in a new relationship and have no intention or want to betray my new partner. What I want to say to you is, does your partner acknowledge what he has done, is he willing to get help? Is he remorseful?

If not, then I think you are clearly looking into the future through rose tinted glasses.

anniemay1948

Thank you for seeing things from my point of view. He has no regard for me right now when I need him most... I don't even know where he is right now or most days. Am so disheartened.

anniemay1948

Yes I did talk to him about how the porn etc made me feel and I was told to get over it and if I wanted be could show me plenty he's made himself,, more **** put into my head ..

anniemay1948

No he has no remorse as I say I was told to get over it

Buona Fortuna

Just a quick question AnnieMay. I agree with most of what's been said above.

Do you have friends or family nearby that could give you some support?

anniemay1948

I do but I would be mortified to tell anyone what's going on

Penny Tration

anniemay1948 wrote: »

Yes I did talk to him about how the porn etc made me feel and I was told to get over it and if I wanted be could show me plenty he's made himself,, more **** put into my head ..

Oh wow, what a horrid thing to say.

Anniemay, you deserve so much more and so much better.

I don't care if my partner watches porn, and it's something I wouldn't see as a big issue. But the way he talks to you, the dynamic of your relationship, it's so wrong.

I know you're pregnant and obviously that makes things very difficult, but you and your child deserve so much more.

It's hard to be a first time parent. I'd imagine it's a lot harder to be a first time parent while also putting up with a feckless, emotionally abusive waste of space boyfriend.

Penny Tration

anniemay1948 wrote: »

I do but I would be mortified to tell anyone what's going on

You have absolutely NOTHING to be mortified about. What he's doing is a reflection on him, not you.

anniemay1948

I don't think it would upset me so much if I wasn't in this state and he was a bit understanding, but to be just told to get over it. As I said I don't even know where he is most of the time

Buona Fortuna

anniemay1948 wrote: »

I do but I would be mortified to tell anyone what's going on

Well we never tell our relatives the complete warts and all story do we.

I'm just happier that you have that support around you. As GS said any shame is your partner's you have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed of.

Neyite

aidan24326 wrote: »

You were doing fine until here, at which point your own blatant prejudices shone through. Talk about hypocritical!

Mod:

Less of the personal sniping please.

Penny Tration

Anniemay, I'd suggest you give Women's Aid a call on 1800 341 900. What you're describing sounds like emotional abuse and they could offer great support if you're not yet ready to tell your family

anniemay1948

You don't think I'm overreacting? As he says its just porn?

Buona Fortuna

anniemay1948 wrote: »

You don't think I'm overreacting? As he says its just porn?

You're not overreacting. I think its gone beyond "just porn".

Taltos

Annie - you are not over-reacting. And no it's not just porn.
A family member left her marriage with her children over just porn, could write a book on it, but in terms of what he is saying to you that is more than wrong.

It really sounds like he has a skewed view on the world, sad really, but you have to focus on you and your pregnancy, this is not a time for you to be put under so much pressure. Clearly he needs help but until he can admit it himself NOTHING you say will really matter I'm afraid.

Magicmatilda

It sounds like an awful situation and your partner seems to have no regard for your feelings.

Without being harsh or over simplistic you have two options:

1. Stay and accept that he will continue to treat you this way.

2. Leave.

The choice is that simple.

I would imagine what is stopping you is the fear of leaving and being alone and all the unknowns that this would raise. So if you look at those and see how you could address them - that might help. Some things to start thinking about are
1. Finances - Do you work? Does he? are you on social welfare? What will be the situation if you leave. A good place to start is go to citizens information and ask what you might be entitled to if you left. No harm in getting the information.
2. Accomadation - Do you won? Rent? Is the house in his name or yours? If you rent and lease is in your name you may be able to just ask him to leave. The reality is you will most likely have to leave as he does not sound reasonable. Again citizens information should be able to help with advising on your entitlements.
3. Emotional Support - You have no reason to be mortified. If he has been sleeping with hookers since you are together it might just be easier to tell family and friends he has cheated and you decided to leave. You do not have to give people full details. Also there are many free and low cost counselling services around the country - use them. You did not get into this situation with high self esteem.

If you decide to stay then to be honest you are just going to have to learn to cope with it because it sounds like he has no incentive to change. However the counselling would still be a good option.

Be under no illusions this is mental abuse. Women's aid may be able to provide advise or assistance also.

The fact remains though that nothing will change until YOU change it.

anniemay1948

No he has no remorse as I say I was told to get over it

anniemay1948

I own my own house he moved in with me so that wouldn't be an issue. I am out on sick leave at the moment with pregnancy related stress, I've had scares in the pregnancy and am put on rest.

LegacyUser

Just to confirm something OP... The use of prostitutes was something that happened in the past right, before you two were together?

Buona Fortuna

anniemay1948 wrote: »

I own my own house he moved in with me so that wouldn't be an issue. I am out on sick leave at the moment with pregnancy related stress, I've had scares in the pregnancy and am put on rest.

Will he leave if you tell him to?

Do you have any friends or relatives that could be with you at that time?

anniemay1948

Yes buy why I needed to know I don't get. It was just to hurt me

anniemay1948

Buona Fortuna wrote: »

Will he leave if you tell him to?

Do you have any friends or relatives that could be with you at that time?

Yes I do and I would think he would

Penny Tration

I don't think you're over reacting at all, Annie. If itwere just the pporn that's the issue, I would say you need to work on your self esteem.

This isn't all about the porn though. That's just a catalyst. The problem here is his complete and utter disrespect towards you. You're supposed to be his partner, his equal, the mother of his child. But he refuses to listen to your concerns and tells you to get over it.

Considering you've had scares in your pregnancy, you really don't need any more stress.

What you choose to do is up to you. But if you decide to tell him to leave, have a plan in place - people to be there for support when you tell him, a place to stay for a night while he packs, friends to lean on, people to bring you to hospital. Have it all planned and it won't seem so scary.

anniemay1948

Thank you all for your thoughts and helpful comments, I think ill be stronger when the baby is born and Hardy, I can't face into the rest of my pregnancy alone even though I might as well be. I know the issues go beyond porn, I think I'll just keep counting the days till my baby is here safely and I know ill be stronger, maybe he'll change then .... I know I must sound awfully weak.

Penny Tration

anniemay1948 wrote: »

Thank you all for your thoughts and helpful comments, I think ill be stronger when the baby is born and Hardy, I can't face into the rest of my pregnancy alone even though I might as well be. I know the issues go beyond porn, I think I'll just keep counting the days till my baby is here safely and I know ill be stronger, maybe he'll change then .... I know I must sound awfully weak.

You don't sound weak.

You sound completely downtrodden. Your self esteem must be shattered.

I understand wanting to stay til the baby is born. If he changes, great. If he doesn't, you need to forget about you and think about what is best for that little baby.

Stay strong. You aren't over reacting, your fears and worries are completely justified. You and your baby deserve more.

If you don't leave him, that's your choice. But please, tell a friend what's been going on, or talk to women's aid. You need support from someone, whatever you decide.

Doublecream

anniemay1948 wrote: »

Hi all just wondered what ye would have to say on an issue im having.
I recently discovered a huge amount of porn on my fiancés phone, I wouldnt have been too upset until I discovered some of the sites were live chat sites, I feel utterly hurt and betrayed. I feel inadequate as a woman and to make matters worse I am almost 7 months pregnant. we have sex daily at least( which is all about him) so I cant understand his need for this. I really wanted to end the relationship over this as it knocked my self esteem and really hurt, it has totally affected how I feel about him...
any thoughts?

There is a movie called "Don Won" which gives an insight into the mind of a porun addict. I think you should watch it.

LegacyUser

anniemay1948 wrote: »

Yes buy why I needed to know I don't get. It was just to hurt me

What makes you think he told you just to hurt you?

Doublecream

Hjffjfg wrote: »

I wouldn't call a man who has been unfaithful to his fiancée with prostitutes as very respectful of women no. The porn use appears excessive and has had a detrimental effect on the OPs feelings about herself and him. (I'm not here to debate the rights and wrongs of these things outside of the OPs situation.) If she was fine with it all, then there wouldn't be an issue, but she's clearly not. And who would blame her, particularly in her current state.

He is being disrespectful to his partner not women, why do you have to bring gender into it?

anniemay1948

Hopple wrote: »

What makes you think he told you just to hurt you?

What other purpose could he possibly have? I was hardly going to pat him on the back...

anniemay1948

Doublecream wrote: »

There is a movie called "Don Won" which gives an insight into the mind of a porun addict. I think you should watch it.

Why would that help me?