On a break - kissed & tried to have sex with friend...

LegacyUser

Im going to make this as short as possible, it's a fairly cliché problem I guess and not that exciting to read or give advice about but I am genuinely in a bad position and I really don't know what to say.

Basically, I went out with a woman for 3 years. The past few months we've decided to break up, with the intention of getting back together in the future when things are better. Before I started going out with this woman I had slept with another woman, who was my friend at the time and still is (well I hope so!). Me and the now ex told each other that we'd prefer if the other didn't get with anyone else but if they do, then just don't talk about it and forget about it. That doesn't exactly give me the green light to put my lad where I please but it did enable me to kiss this friend of mine who I've slept with before. I do regret it and wish it hadn't happened.

There was a party in my house over the weekend. It was about 1pm the following day and there was people still awake, still drinking, playing music and having the craic, etc. By 1pm though I was wrecked and went to my friends bed to chill out and listen to my own music with one of my friends and so on. This other woman, the one I had slept with before, also came into the room and onto bed and we all just hung out like normal mates. After a while we all started to doze off in the same bed. My other male friend who was in the room woke up after a while and left to go home, so it was just me and my friend. To cut to the chase we ended up spooning, cuddling and eventually kissing. There came a point (I was still very drunk and in that half awake half asleep somewhat delirious limbo) where I tried to get into her pants, basically. She stopped it immediately and went back to just lying down. After a while she got up and it was at this point I had fully realized what I had done and came to my senses. She came back into the room to get her stuff and I apologized and she said nothing.

After she left the house completely, some hours later I texted her apologizing again and saying I hope this wont make things awkward (although of course it will) and that we can still be friends, because we are quite good friends and I really enjoy her company.

She still hasn't gotten back to me though and I have a feeling she either hates me at the moment or is embarassed or confused or all 3. I really want to make this better because I REALLY didnt want to kiss with her or try to have sex with her. I am honestly interested in no woman at the moment, bar my ex who I would hope to get back with in the future when Im feeling more comfortable. The woman I kissed is a really good woman and a great friend of mine and weve been hanging out a lot lately doing nice things like cooking and going to martial arts together etc. I dont want to ruin such a nice, solid friendship over some drunken kiss/horniness.

What is the best thing to say in this situation? We both go to the same university so we will eventually run into each other. I really want to clear the air SOMEWHAT before we bump into each other awkwardly. It's the silence that's killing me...

skallywag

alicepractise wrote: »

Basically, I went out with a woman for 3 years. The past few months we've decided to break up, with the intention of getting back together in the future when things are better

OP, you don't seriously expect this plan to work out, do you?

LegacyUser

skallywag wrote: »

OP, you don't seriously expect this plan to work out, do you?

Yes I do, and whether or not we do isn't the issue here. I'm asking on how to make things better between me and the woman #2. I just want a good clean friendship again and no awkwardness. Especially when it's over something so stupid as drunken acts of idiocy.

DeltaWhite

TBH, if you've explained to her that you were drunk, it was a mistake etc. etc. etc and apologised then that's all you can do really. She sounds like she feels embarrassed, does she know you and your ex are on a relationship break?

I'd say just leave her to it now, if she wants to talk to you - she will.

Meauldsegosha

You text her, apologised and explained. You can't do anything more. Next time you meet her just carry on your friendship as normal, don't mention it again.

Magicmatilda

How does this woman #2 as you describe her feel about you? She has slept with you in the past and continues to be friends. Yet yu day yu are hanging out cooking and doing martial arts together. Does she fancy you? Does she have feelings for you?

It sounds to me like she might have and she now realises that you are not interested and feels awkward and embarassed about the whole thing.

crazy maisie

So you're on a break from your ex, but you're not really on a break!!?? Sounds like too much drama, and sounds like your messing with second girl's feelings to be honest. Not fair on her.
You've apologised and she didn't reply - she must be peed off with you.

beks101

I think you should make it your policy in life to not sleep with your friends. It's advantageous, kind of disrespectful and very difficult to maintain a platonic friendship with someone when you've crossed that line.

From your friend's perspective, it's a world of pain and headfcuk to find yourself in the position of 'fun time girl' / 'fall-back lay' with some guy who's clearly not over his ex. She's good enough to sleep with, hang out with, be friends with etc - why is she not good enough to be your girlfriend? If she has any feelings for you, that's likely what is passing through her brain.

Apologize again IN PERSON, tell her you're an idiot, she means the world to you and you don't want to lose a great friendship. That's all you can do really. Don't be surprised if she doesn't want to know, because if she does have feelings for you, she'll be already taking this as a big rejection.

Osvaldo

alicepractise wrote: »

What is the best thing to say in this situation?

We are quite good friends and I really enjoy your company.

I really want to make this better because I REALLY didnt want to kiss you or try to have sex with you.

You are a really good woman and a great friend of mine and we've been hanging out a lot lately doing nice things like cooking and going to martial arts together etc. I dont want to ruin such a nice, solid friendship over some drunken kiss/horniness.

Wait a second!! These are your words!! And they're perfect!!!!!!!

rcarroll

Sorry I'm a bit confused...did you come on to her/force yourself on her/kiss her when she wasn't fully aware or was too drunk to resist? Did she kiss you back? If she did, and it was mutual (sounds like it was)....then you don't need to apologize. Should you sleep with friends? In my experience no, I'm not against it but it does make things a bit weird and we've tended to drift afterwards.

If you want to clear the air then communication is the key..be open honest and talk about it otherwise there's a lot of trying to rrlead signals, getting confused and losing friendships...one hing though you should apologise for is if this girl likes you and you're only falling into bed with her when you have trouble with the gf..it definitely is up to her to say no if she's not happy with the situation but you have to be clear with yourself and her first about how you feel about each other

ibarelycare

I don't see why you should have to apologise. You were in bed together kissing. You naturally tried to take the next step, she didn't go with it and that was the end of it. Unless you tried to pressure or force her into having sex with you, you did absolutely nothing wrong.


The real issue here is your "relationship".

LegacyUser

alicepractise wrote: »

Before I started going out with this woman I had slept with another woman, who was my friend at the time and still is (well I hope so!)

................................... To cut to the chase we ended up spooning, cuddling and eventually kissing. There came a point (I was still very drunk and in that half awake half asleep somewhat delirious limbo) where I tried to get into her pants, basically. She stopped it immediately and went back to just lying down. After a while she got up and it was at this point I had fully realized what I had done and came to my senses.

..................................................
She still hasn't gotten back to me though and I have a feeling she either hates me at the moment or is embarassed or confused or all 3. I really want to make this better because I REALLY didnt want to kiss with her or try to have sex with her.

Sorry now OP, but there's something that strikes me as not quite right here. HOW MUCH did you try to get into her pants? You appear to be afraid that she now "hates" you, and unless she used the word NO and you persisted anyway, she'd have no reason to, amiright?

If that didn't happen, then like a previous poster said you've no reason to apologise. If that did happen, then you've just shown her that you felt some sense of entitlement towards going further with her (drunk is no excuse) and she'll be looking at you in a very different light now. I doubt if your friendship would recover from that.

LegacyUser

Yep, it's messy... I feel particularly bad because she is very non-confrontational and avoids drama at all costs, little bit socially anxious at times, so her head is probably melting a little bit... I'd just like to say sorry for such a banal question, I've never found myself in this situation and never thought I would be. I'm normally much more wiser when it comes to these things (yeah right youre saying!). Thanks for the input.

I didn't force anything, from what I can remember it was completely mutual. I think it would've been forgotten about or not as much of a deal if I didn't try to have sex with her, pretty sure that's the killer. To who asked how much I tried to get into her pants, I can't really say. We were kissing for about 5 minutes then after I literally tried to get into her pants. I think she was a bit like "Wow well that escalated unnecessarily quickly". I am too, to be honest. It's really really not what I wanted to happen.

I don't normally, in fact I never have apart from this one, sleep with my friends. When we did sleep together we never spoke of it again. There was no awkwardness or discussion or anything, we met up the next day and hung out as if nothing had ever happened, and I liked that.

I think I have to send her a message of sorts again. I will probably apologize to her again and let her know that I do care for her as a friend above all and value our friendship much more so than drunken slip ups. The thing I am worried about though is her feeling that she is a rebound girl or whatever, because that's not the case. I'm sure that's what she feels like, especially if I'm apologizing to her for kissing her... I don't really know how to clear that up. She is not someone to fall back on, I'm honestly not really looking to be with any woman at this present moment in time. I'd like to hope that in a few months, maybe a year if that's what it takes, me and my ex will get back together but who knows.

I'm sorry again, I'm confused and I'm nervous about bumping into her without anything cleared. I'm meant to see her at muay thai later but I doubt she is going to come... will probably run into her walking around university or town...

gaynorvader

alicepractise wrote: »

Yep, it's messy... I feel particularly bad because she is very non-confrontational and avoids drama at all costs, little bit socially anxious at times, so her head is probably melting a little bit... I'd just like to say sorry for such a banal question, I've never found myself in this situation and never thought I would be. I'm normally much more wiser when it comes to these things (yeah right youre saying!). Thanks for the input.

I didn't force anything, from what I can remember it was completely mutual. I think it would've been forgotten about or not as much of a deal if I didn't try to have sex with her, pretty sure that's the killer. To who asked how much I tried to get into her pants, I can't really say. We were kissing for about 5 minutes then after I literally tried to get into her pants. I think she was a bit like "Wow well that escalated unnecessarily quickly". I am too, to be honest. It's really really not what I wanted to happen.

I don't normally, in fact I never have apart from this one, sleep with my friends. When we did sleep together we never spoke of it again. There was no awkwardness or discussion or anything, we met up the next day and hung out as if nothing had ever happened, and I liked that.

I think I have to send her a message of sorts again. I will probably apologize to her again and let her know that I do care for her as a friend above all and value our friendship much more so than drunken slip ups. The thing I am worried about though is her feeling that she is a rebound girl or whatever, because that's not the case. I'm sure that's what she feels like, especially if I'm apologizing to her for kissing her... I don't really know how to clear that up. She is not someone to fall back on, I'm honestly not really looking to be with any woman at this present moment in time. I'd like to hope that in a few months, maybe a year if that's what it takes, me and my ex will get back together but who knows.

I'm sorry again, I'm confused and I'm nervous about bumping into her without anything cleared. I'm meant to see her at muay thai later but I doubt she is going to come... will probably run into her walking around university or town...

Sounds like you should maybe stop apologising so much, it might be making her feel awkward. You've apologised enough. Maybe do it once more in person, but if she doesn't want to bring it up again, you shouldn't either.

Osvaldo

gaynorvader wrote: »

Maybe do it once more in person

This. Hey OP; you're words are flowing and your spitting truths. Your post reads honest and sincere. You should just be totally honest & sincere with her (In person). Just say what you feel and hold nothing back. Be cool and try to be understanding. I think that's all you can do. My opinion only Good Sir.

LegacyUser

I definitely wouldn't apologize again tbh. You've already done so once, although I'm not sure why, the two of you were kissing for five minutes and you then tried to move things forward, she wasn't interested for whatever reason so you stopped. You didn't do anything to apologize for by the sound of things. Apologizing again would just be weird and probably give her the impression you did do something wrong and should be apologizing, which isn't the case. Just let it go and when you meet up talk away as you normally would to her.

tara73

I would say she likes you. with that I mean she really likes you and probably wants more than just a fling.
why else would she come to your room, stay with you and start kissing. I don't know, for me, her whole behaviour is telling me she likes you more than just a friend and she wanted to test you that evening. the attempted sex thing was going to fast and probably to unromantic, wasn't what she wished for, so she stopped it and left abruptly to not loosing her face.

also that she's not reacting to your apologies indicates she wished for some more romantic development but now she clearly sees it's not what your intention is. because of that she's still avoiding contact to not loose her face.

don't know, it's just my two cents... I agree with the others, don't write or apology anymore. from my point of view also not in person. just give her the space she obviously needs. when you see her, say nicely hi, but leave it up to her to start a conversation for the time being.
you should also consider it's very possible you two can't be friends anymore. if one part wants more than a friendship, most of the time a friendship simply is not sustainable anymore.

you sound like a nice enough guy, don't beat yourself up about it too much:)

LegacyUser

Do I just wait then to see her to talk to her? I dont feel as awkward about it but Im definitely not looking forward to it. Didnt leave the house yesterday because between this and other issues right now I just couldnt face the real world

I think I may have ruined a perfectly good friendship...

massdebater

Stop being a drama llama. Relax a bit. You've apologised enough (too much). Next time you see her, just talk to her like nothing happened and all will be grand. It's not the end of the world, not unless you keep making a big deal out of it that is