Alcoholic - Please Help

andyournameis

Hello...

My future brother in law is an alcoholic, his mother has wrapped him up in cotton wool, he is only 40!... She thinks it is too late to help him, but we have said to her that it's not! Also she is in complete denial about the whole situation, he lives at home, works full time on a great wage (she gets him up for work every morning, the only reason he is holding down that job), doesn't not pay a penny towards household bills, Food or Rent anything which annoys us all so much, but she thinks he can't afford it, he brought himself a new car last year, we all nearly got sick, he is so selfish... He won't buy himself any new clothes, as that is a waste of money he spends all his money on drink, he has no friends drinks in the pub on his own all the time... He doesn't even give his parents even a present at xmas, She feeds and clothes him for the last 20 years, and his parents doesn't even have the money, they can just about support themselves.. He drinks drives everywhere and doesn't care, he is going to kill someone soon, if something is not done about it now... he is actually a bloody disgrace..
He needs a bit of tough love, and so does his mother but isn't really listening, her husband is sick of him and as well with his brothers and sisters, his mother blames herself about the whole situation, she should have been a better mother and she has no reason too, she has 4 other children who have done very well for themselves... He is just a selfish P****!!!... Would anybody know of any books about Alcoholics, on how they act, how selfish they can be, etc... Or even any books for his mother to help her to do tough love and open her eyes and see there is a serious problem actions needs to be taken now. Talking to her is not working I think she need to see something in black and white, and by wrapping him up in cotton wool she is actually killing him!
Alcoholism is nothing new to me, I have seen it with friends and my own family, I know how it all works that they need to hit rock bottom, before they will look for help, this is not going to ever happen if she keeps looking after him all the time, she is an old woman this is so unfair... :mad:

R.D. aka MR.D

Well the most important thing that you can do is call the gards every single time that you know he is on the road drunk.

A neighbour of our parents was forever driving drunk. A load of the neighbours started reporting him constantly and the gards came and caught him. He then would drive the tractor into town drunk and again the gards were called every time any one saw him and he was stopped.

Otherwise, i'm not really sure it's your place to do anything else.

andyournameis

Thank You for your reply, I'm not going to do anything at all, of course I know it is not my place, but I am just doing the back ground research work for my partner and when he has all the information, he is going to confront the situation with his parents..

Nichololas

andyournameis wrote: »

.. I'm not going to do anything at all, of course I know it is not my place ..

If he's drunk-driving it's absolutely your place to do something about it ..

skallywag

andyournameis wrote: »

He won't buy himself any new clothes, as that is a waste of money he spends all his money on drink

So how did he pay for the new car?

andyournameis

skallywag wrote: »

So how did he pay for the new car?

He has a good job....

skallywag

andyournameis wrote: »

He has a good job....

My point was that you wrote:

"He won't buy himself any new clothes, as that is a waste of money he spends all his money on drink"

... but then you also say that he bought a new car?

Sorry if I am misunderstanding you here ...

gugleguy

andyournameis wrote: »

He has a good job....

For now. Until the drink overwhelms his ability to, hold it down.

andyournameis

skallywag wrote: »

My point was that you wrote:

"He won't buy himself any new clothes, as that is a waste of money he spends all his money on drink"

... but then you also say that he bought a new car?

Sorry if I am misunderstanding you here ...

Sorry I didn't explain myself very well. He doesn't spend anything on himself, He has no self respect .... Won't spend anything on Aftershave, Clothes, Socks, Shoes,etc, they are a waste of money in his eyes!!!.... His money goes on drink and the only thing he has spent on himself in the last 10 years is this new car....
I'm just looking to help and support my partner the best way I possibly can and get information for him to help his mom and his brother..
Thanks...

beano345

Get him into a detox facility if yous can speaking from experience you'll be amazed at the change in him if he manages to stay off the drink he'll be a total different man,the only thing is he has to want to do it or else an intervention from family.

ivytwine

Report him to the guards for drink driving. He could kill someone.

skallywag

ivytwine wrote: »

Report him to the guards for drink driving. He could kill someone.

While this advice does indeed have sound logic to it, I would advise making sure you have a buy-in from at least your husband-to-be on this before you make the move.

RosieJoe

Is there any chance you could get your parents in law to go to a Al-Anon meeting? Here is what they offer

Al-Anon offers understanding and support for families and friends of problem drinkers in an anonymous environment, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.

The parents, children, wives, husbands, friends and colleagues of alcoholics could all be helped by Al-Anon and Alateen whether or not the drinker in their lives recognises that a problem exists.

At Al-Anon group meetings, members receive comfort and understanding and learn to cope with their problems through the exchange of experience, strength and hope. The sharing of problems binds individuals and groups together in a bond that is protected by a policy of anonymity. Members learn that there are things they can do to help themselves and indirectly to help the problem drinker. Changed attitudes, which come from greater understanding of the illness, may result in the drinker seeking help.

Al-Anon is self-supporting through members' voluntary contributions and the sale of its literature.

The groups are non-professional and have no religious or other affiliations and no opinions on outside issues.

Meeting locations can be found here

andyournameis

RosieJoe wrote: »

Is there any chance you could get your parents in law to go to a Al-Anon meeting? Here is what they offer


Meeting locations can be found here

Thanks RosieJoe, this is so helpful.....I will pass this on...

Thanks everyone for all your help, much appreciated

Soft Falling Rain

I wouldn't suggest getting the guards involved if you want to keep onside with your in laws. His parents may moan about him but at the end of the day he's their son and will rally behind him.

Just let him keep going the way he is and he'll eventually fcuk up, that's the one thing alcoholics don't need help in doing.

Neyite

I think the only way that you can help is behind the scenes, unless you want to be blamed for it all - even if you had nothing to do with it at all sometimes. So far you have two people in denial, the mother and the alcoholic. In my opinion, its pointless working on them until you have more onside. That means you and your partner attending Al-Anon to educate yourselves about alcoholics behaviour, enablers and other things you need to know, then bringing along your father in law since he seems to be getting sick of the behaviour and may be open to learning more about it.

But then you stand back and stay out of it, being a silent support to your partner behind the scenes while he tries to get support from family members, otherwise you potentially become a scapegoat for others to blame in starting this whole process.

Ultimately though, if the mother wont stop enabling there is not much you can do.

certifiedcrepe

Soft Falling Rain wrote: »

I wouldn't suggest getting the guards involved if you want to keep onside with your in laws. His parents may moan about him but at the end of the day he's their son and will rally behind him.

Just let him keep going the way he is and he'll eventually fcuk up, that's the one thing alcoholics don't need help in doing.

Not sure I agree with the first part. I recently got a car and my parents sat me down and told me that if I ever attempt to drive under the influence they'll call the guards on me which I completely respect. If OP's future in laws aren't going to do it then OP should, I'm pretty sure you can report someone anonymously. If he drives drunk it's really only a matter of time before he hurts himself or others.

m'lady

I completely agree with some suggestions about calling the Guards. He's putting peoples lives in danger by drink driving, and I personally wouldn't give a damn what his family or your husband to be thought about it to be honest. If they want to sit by and allow a potential murderer get into his car under the influence then they are nearly as bad as him. I have absolutely no time for drink driving, be an alcoholic and ruin your own life but don't try destroy others.

Sorry I sound so cold but I just don't have any empathy for those that do it or those that sit by and watch.