bf lying problem

LegacyUser

so just found out my bf is lying to me; keeps lending money to his siblings & parents and barefaced lies to me about it. We have set up a business together on the side of our regular jobs to try and earn some savings, lived together for 3+ years and would like to start saving towards some type of future / house deposit ( i thought); we live off our regular incomes and try to save all money from the sideline business for our future. Every time i broach the subject of him making savings from our day jobs (he earns more than me) he makes an excuse and shies away, delaying tactics etc, whereas Iv’e been saving every penny I can from mine for the past year +

At this point after a few drinks checked his phone as was getting sus. and saw the messages from siblings which confirmed what he is at. I don’t have a problem helping others in need; please please don’t get me wrong but when ppl live beyond their means I don’t believe in bailouts esp when we work so hard and so deserve a break but don’t take one, and on top of it get blatantly lied to about it.

My previous bf who i was with for almost 7 years spent 2+ of those cheating on me; I do not want this to go down the same road with the oh so convincing lying. I just feel now that I can’t trust a single word out of his mouth. How do i broach the fact that i know this without revealing I’ve been checking up on him; I know for a fact this has been going on for ages and he’s hiding it cause he knows I’ll go off at the deep end about it. Buried this for 2 years with ex as I knew he was playing away and it does detrimental damage to self esteem; I can't do this again. We work 70+ hours a week each to try and put together a house deposit and then this bs?

CaraMay

I think he can do what he wants with his own money. Maybe he thinks you should both be putting in 50% no matter what your individual incomes are.

Did he actually tell you a bare faced lie? Sounds to me like you are punishing him for the sins of your ex.

Blingy

Maybe it's time to sit down and do a reccie on your savings. If your working 70 hr weeks each you should be seeing an increase in savings otherwise what's the point in putting in the extra long hours. How much did you expect to have saved to date? How much is saved? Maybe then question where your bf's money is going.
Are your savings in a joint account? I would be wary about that if he is lending money to siblings make sure it's not your money he is lending.

Tokyo

There seems to be a lot of anger coming through in your post, and I'd suspect that it stems more from your previous relationship than your current one. From what you have said in your opening post, you both agreed to set aside any money made form the business, while living off your regular incomes. And I see nothing to suggest that you both aren't doing exactly that - he's lending money to his family from his own personal income, which he's perfectly entitled to do. It sounds like you have changed the rules on that decision somewhat, and are expecting him to match it, and getting angry when he doesn't.

Is he actually lying to you, or is he just not telling you about the loans to his family? I'm not condoning either, but based on your reaction in this thread alone, it's possible that he sees not discussing it as an easier alternative to telling you and dealing with a strong reaction from you towards him and his family. The irony of the statement "I just feel now that I can’t trust a single word out of his mouth. How do i broach the fact that i know this without revealing I’ve been checking up on him" isn't lost on me either, and nor should it be lost on you - you want help in broaching the subject mentioned above without telling him the truth about the fact that you deliberately went through his private messages to his family and read them, something incidentally, that would be a dealbreaker for a lot of people, myself included, when it comes to a relationship. In short, it sounds very much like he's suffering for the misdeeds of your ex, which is quite unfair to him.

I think that you both need to sit down and discuss - rationally - your future plans together, a timeline, and now much you are both willing to put aside as savings towards that. You also need to discuss - again rationally - his relationship with his family and how regular loans like this might affect your own future plans. However at the moment, from reading your post, I think that your behaviour is just as unhealthy for the relationship, if not more so.

desertcircus

I don't think you realise that you're in the wrong here, certainly more so than he is. The two of you agreed that you could each do what you wished with your regular earnings, and he's not breaking that. He's not being truthful about his lending, but as said, he may be stuck between a rock and a hard place - tell his family to get stuffed, or have a row with you. However, you went through his phone to check up on him, which is a violation of trust. Lying to your partner about loaning money to your sibling isn't great, but checking your partner's phone because you suspect he's doing something he's within his rights to do simply isn't on.

My advice - forget confronting him about this, and work on your own trust issues. If you absolutely must talk to him about finances, then sit down and discuss your financial plan together in general, without pushing him on where his money is at the moment.

Minera

Lollie 272 I know exactly how you feel I was in a similar situation until recently. How I solved it was
1. I completely exploded and told him I couldn't afford to support his brother and sister in law,
2. I started hinting I would leave him, which I would have.
3. I told him to remind his family that we are trying to pay for a wedding and get a mortgage.
4. We set out strict rule €500 each had to be saved every month from each of us to a savings account after that do what you like with your money!

I know it was harsh but it's working, and as for reading his texts you need to apologise and then ask why lie? His answer will mean you may have to make some changes to yourself!

Good luck and let us know what happens!

Neyite

Minera, welcome to PI /RI. We ask that posters dont request updates from the OP, please read the charter for clarification on our posting guidelines