Best friend and I have drifted apart ever since she has a boyfriend?

LegacyUser

We're close friends (cousins) we used to meet up often going cinema , or anywhere we always invite each other to birthdays.
I've noticed over the past few years since she met her boyfriend 3 years ago we haven't been as close I rarely see her she never invites me anywhere or to her birthday. I invited her to mine she made an excuse not to come. When I'm at her house it's not the same anymore. We seem to have drifted apart.

Now I always have to initiate her in order to see her. I did sort of say the other day when I saw her "we should meet up more often we haven't met up for ages" She said "I know it's been long I'm always around you have to text me if you want to meet up" . Which I do but I find it frustrating to me always trying to arrange things when she doesn't do that anymore to me. I do a little and then I end up stop contacting for ages focusing on seeing other people and leave it just letting it go not letting it bother me. After time as passed I decide I should text her as it's been long. This cycle then repeats over and over again. What do I do? It just seems like I'm the only one making all the effort to reach out to her all the time now. And she's already implied that I need to be the one to text her first? (was slightly insulted when she said this)Am I overreacting? Should I just let it go ? I do still want to be as close as we were or still friendly but it seems like I'm making most of the effort usually in these cases I just ditch the person . I don't know what to do it's not like I wouldn't ever see her we'd see each other at family gatherings. I've only noticed in the past year how much we've drifted.

Stavro Mueller

Sigh...this happens more often than you'd think. Someone dropping their friends because they've met someone. At this stage I don't think there's anything more you can do. You've repeatedly extended the hand of friendship to her but she doesn't sound like she's bothered. I think at this stage you're as well off to let this drift. She might realise at some stage in the future that she has no friends (if she has done the same to other people) and you can decide then whether to bother.

Rubberchikken

This happens all the time. People get older, get together with bf/gf, priorities change.
It hurts to have it happen but you know you can't force the friendship.

The other thing that strikes me is, is there any chance her bf discourages her friendship with you?
If that's the case, bide your time cos she may need all the friends she can get some day.
In the meantime focus on making new friends.

Good luck

LegacyUser

Rubberchikken wrote: »

This happens all the time. People get older, get together with bf/gf, priorities change.
It hurts to have it happen but you know you can't force the friendship.

The other thing that strikes me is, is there any chance her bf discourages her friendship with you?
If that's the case, bide your time cos she may need all the friends she can get some day.
In the meantime focus on making new friends.

Good luck

I don't think her boyfriend would be discouraging our friendship as we're cousins and I've met him a few times he doesn't seem like the type who would.
I know everytime I bring up that we haven't seen each other a lot she just says she's been busy and that.
It seems like her and her boyfriend have the same friends group , so she probably spends the majority of the free time with him or other friends they know.
Something like this is normal in the early stages but they're together 3 years now.
Other friends with boyfriends don't do this. My other best friend who used to know her a little always asks me why we ( me & my cousin) don't meet up anymore mentions how close we used to be. Never really have the answer apart from I don't know she said I have to contact her if I ever want to see her and I'm not bothering to consistently chase somebody.
I have texted her this week a couple of days ago got no response.

Would part of the problem be that we're at different stages? I'm older than her by a year but i messed up my exams so I'm behind in college still near the start she's graduating this year but we finished school (different) at the same time .
It just seems like it's me always going out of the way. Usually if a friend was doing this I'd just ditch them and won't look book or ever talk to them again .

FactCheck

confusion321 wrote: »

Usually if a friend was doing this I'd just ditch them and won't look book or ever talk to them again .

Well, okay, if that's the way you want your friendships to be, that's up to you. But it's a bit all or nothing, and honestly, you're what, 22-ish now? You are going to find yourself losing a LOT of friends in the next 5-10 years if you keep this policy up.

Once you hit mid-twenties, people start getting real serious, leading to marriage, relationships. They need to focus on their careers. They have multiple friendship groups they have commitments to - school, college, work. Then they have small children. And I haven't even mentioned hobbies. Or moving abroad or to another county for work.

Friendships wax and wane. That super-intense, texting every day, filling each other in on how your commute went and who you saw at lunch - that's not really sustainable, for most people, for most friendships, when you are a working adult with a ton of commitments. Friendships as an adult are really different to school and college, when you have oceans of free time to devote to them.

I'm not trying to justify just dropping someone and I'm not saying your cousin is okay to be making NO effort - everybody has to make an effort - I'm just saying that in my experience, I am still just as close to my oldest, closest friends - but our lifestyles mean we do see and talk to each other much less frequently. I was going to say it's a bit sad, but it actually honestly isn't. There are only 24 hours in each day and they are all still filled with good stuff.

I mean, if you look at your parents - maybe I'm wrong but if they are like most people their age, they have good friends but the daily reality of the friendship is very different to yours, right? They probably have close friends who are great but they also have to prioritise their work and your family? That's where most people are headed.

seamus

This is actually pretty typical of friendships into your 20s and beyond. You stop seeing people every day at school/college/work and making an effort to keep in contact with them drifts from your mind because it's not something you ever had to do before. You spent loads of time together out of circumstance, not because you made an effort to see eachother. So having to work at a friendship is often quite foreign to people when they finish college.
People that you thought you'd be going to eachother's childrens' weddings, within two or three years suddenly you don't even really know them that well anymore. Such is life.

Relationships really throw the spanner in the works because people then have someone to share their day and their news with. They have no need to ring friends up and spend hours on the phone to them. Having a fun night no longer requires you to reach out to anyone else, because your partner is right there. Night in, night out, whatever, you always have someone to share it with.

Though it is sad that a lot of people tend to ditch their friends and let their partner dictate where they're going and who they see - it's not intentional on either part, but often one partner is more decisive and the other is more easy-going. The end result is that one partner wants to go out and meet their mates and the other partner is happy to go along with it.

If you're at the point where you badly miss your friend and you were really close, get her out for a quiet chat and just say that you feel like she's ignoring you and you miss the fact that you never spend time together anymore. She might not realise she does it, and may then make a conscious effort to get in touch with you. Or she may not. Either way, you can't force a friendship. By all means try to include her in your plans, but don't revolve your plans around her. There's no need to ditch her, she can always remain a friend, she just won't be the bezzie mate she once was.

LegacyUser

FactCheck wrote: »

Well, okay, if that's the way you want your friendships to be, that's up to you. But it's a bit all or nothing, and honestly, you're what, 22-ish now? You are going to find yourself losing a LOT of friends in the next 5-10 years if you keep this policy up.

Once you hit mid-twenties, people start getting real serious, leading to marriage, relationships. They need to focus on their careers. They have multiple friendship groups they have commitments to - school, college, work. Then they have small children. And I haven't even mentioned hobbies. Or moving abroad or to another county for work.

Friendships wax and wane. That super-intense, texting every day, filling each other in on how your commute went and who you saw at lunch - that's not really sustainable, for most people, for most friendships, when you are a working adult with a ton of commitments. Friendships as an adult are really different to school and college, when you have oceans of free time to devote to them.

I'm not trying to justify just dropping someone and I'm not saying your cousin is okay to be making NO effort - everybody has to make an effort - I'm just saying that in my experience, I am still just as close to my oldest, closest friends - but our lifestyles mean we do see and talk to each other much less frequently. I was going to say it's a bit sad, but it actually honestly isn't. There are only 24 hours in each day and they are all still filled with good stuff.

I mean, if you look at your parents - maybe I'm wrong but if they are like most people their age, they have good friends but the daily reality of the friendship is very different to yours, right? They probably have close friends who are great but they also have to prioritise their work and your family? That's where most people are headed.

Oh I wouldn't exactly cut them off right away. I usually spend time trying to keep the contact realising the friendship might be drifting. I keep making the effort for quite some time maybe over a year. I begin realising that I'm putting way more effort in than the other person not bothering anymore. It wouldn't exactly be ditching them just like that only after trying. I wouldn't ditch anyone just like that I'd still be open to seeing them if they wanted to I just wouldn't go out of my way to make the contact anymore . That's what I mean when I say ditch them.

I understand how the friendships changes as we get older , busier with other things , more people etc. I usually don't spend time texting my friends , all day everyday . We didn't even meet up every single week or anything like that. It was more a every month or so thing. Now it's just rarely ever unless I make the effort.

LegacyUser

Some people do tend to ditch friends when they have boyfriends. I have other friends who have boyfriends they don't do that at all either bring the boyfriend along they always make time , we are still friends in the same way it hasn't made a difference.

I don't know if maybe because we're cousins there's not as much effort as we'll always see each other at times. So it's more like I'm always going to be around. Maybe we're just a lot different now , interested in different things then before. Would that be a reason?

I suggested how we should meet up more often etc . I texted during the week got no response anyway. I'm not sure if I'll text or ring again. I wouldn't ditch it'd be more in a I'd stop trying to arrange meet ups sort of thing I'd still speak to her or see her if she started making the effort.
Friendships should be a two way street.

gobo99

Mabey she thinks her boyfriend is into you... so she doesn't want you around.

LegacyUser

No it wouldn't be anything like that I don't see her boyfriend ever unless they're together.

I'm not sure how to approach it now. I know we will see each other whenever the next family gathering is and we'll talk then ,and probably arrange to meet up like always.
I've just been trying a lot even mentioning it that I'm just not as bothered with continuing to try as much as I have. Even when she did state if i text her etc she's around.
I'm just not good at continuing to put effort into something being the only one it just feels very one sided.

LynnGrace

I'd just leave it to be honest. Not in an 'all or nothing' kind of a way, as in, cutting contact, but I wouldn't really be bothered keeping in touch, apart from an odd text to say hello. Keep it light, and just keep the basic contact there, given that you are related, and that you did have a good friendship.
As others have said, friendships change, as you go through different stages of life. When contact is one-sided, you do start to wonder, if the other person just can't be bothered. I'd say most of us have experienced that at some stage. There will be naturally a bit of regret or sadness, because you were good friends obviously, but I'd suggest focusing on other things, and there are always new friends to be made too.

Stavro Mueller

I'd start thinking of her as a friendly acquaintance at this stage. Someone you bump into by chance every now and then, have a pleasant chat with before continuing on with your day. I think at this stage it's time to stop calling and texting. The lack of a reply to your latest texts shows that either she's not too pushed about keeping in contact or she's deliberately phasing you out. Neither's what you want of course but there's nothing you can do to change it. She knows you're trying to keep up the friendship...

December2012

If you want to see her then suggest something concrete. Eg "do you want to go and see X in the cinema this Friday?"

Saying "we must meet up soon" in reality means "we are not meeting up soon but i still want to be friends".

OldNotWIse

This happened to me. Lifelong friend. We were next door neighbours, went to school together, families were friends,holidays together. We were like a big family, better even. I dont have one single memory of childhood that doesnt have her in it. From 4 to 24 we were almost like soul mates. Cue her meeting someone and moving in with him. It took about five years since that for the friendship to officially finish (when she married last year and didn't invite me), but looking back on things, the turning point really was when she met this guy (that she has since left anyway). Suddenly it was me doing all the running around. I had to organise everything if I wanted to meet her. She'd usually renege once or twice, and on the third attempt she'd show up for an hour then have to leave as the "carparking is only paid until 10" - buses were no longer a part of her life! On two of my birthdays and one Christmas she "left my present in the boot of the car" - never saw them again. When I'd ask her if she wanted to meet she'd reply, "yeah I finish college at 9pm, lets meet after" - I wasn't worth slotting in on a day when she was free. It was as if she just completely lost interest. Looking back, I should have realised sooner that she was no longer interested in maintaining the friendship, but I suppose it's human nature to keep trying. When I feel sad about what we lost, it's the memories from years back that sadden me. I dont feel like we had anything substantial over the past years that I could bring myself to miss. People change, I guess.

RubyGlee

Sucks when this happens but its common enough, happened with me and a very close friend we dont even really talk now. People drift apart its sad

santana75

Yeah as the others have said, its sadly more common than you think. Op listen to your intuition, its obviously telling you that its game over with this friend. I know its painful and hard to do but you gotta let her go, otherwise you'll just end up chasing her around which wont work and that'll make you feel used.
Shes seems to be one of those people who ditches her friends once she gets a boyfriend and that will tell you all you need to know about her true character.
Dont contact her again, leave it up to her and if she does contact you and ask you to do something make sure its not because her and the boyfriend have broken up or hes out of town for a few days. Trust me the chickens will come home to roost, people like that end up with no real friendships in their lives.