Communication Issues

LegacyUser

I'm looking for some advice on an issue that's been hounding my 2+ year relationship for the last few months. Like the title says, my OH and I have been having serious communication issues, and today we had a fight because of it. (sorry about the long post in advance)

So, backstory: the last couple of months have been tough for us. I'd been injured and was unable to leave my home for about 8 weeks recovering and she's been saving money for a course she wanted to do. As it stands, she's never been particularly good at telling me what she's thinking/feeling unless she's really, really upset. The last few months have been some of the worst though; she consistently avoids speaking to me in any depth about things she's doing (usual bits and pieces of where she's heading out to, things she'd ask me regularly), at times, she completely avoids the topic and focuses on less significant stuff like joking and banter, which didn't bother me at first. As time went on though, she started acting inconsistently: avoiding time together because she - understandably - needed to save, but secretly planning large (5 hour) trips for weekends at a time in different locations, all of which were expensive and I found out about from other people mentioning them in passing - the people she was going there with (all female friends) who seemed surprised I didn't know. I didn't honestly mind until there were some indirect issues effecting me: her complaints about a lack of money, time together being sacrificed because of these trips, and any attempt by me to point this out being shouted down, even if she asked for my advice.

This week, we were planning on spending a day together, it's a journey for us both but she's in her course now, so we were planning it on a day she was already in, to save her money. Yesterday, I once again heard from a mutual friend that she was heading off on another trip on the same day we were meeting up...something I hadn't been aware of. So I brought up the topic to my OH and she filled me in on some details - it was volunteer work, she'd be leaving early in the day, essentially cutting into our plans. I made her aware that the cost to me was a lot for what boiled down to about an hour for the price of a private coach return ticket - about €20 - and that it didn't seem like a good idea, especially if she could head off earlier so that she wouldn't risk arriving in her destination in the evening/when it was getting dark. We rearranged the day, and I told her that I wasn't thrilled that she kept this from me. Everything seemed settled until today as I was double-checking if the new date suited her, and things got out of control. She asked if I was angry about the plans falling through, I said no, that I was just disappointed but she made a commitment to go, I just wish I could have been told so we could have worked things out sooner.

And that's when things exploded, she started saying she could have changed the plans around, that she didn't have to go as early as she did, that she wanted to see me, that she didn't think talking about it was worth the time. I made it clear that it wasn't the issue, that her not making me aware had been the cause of this, and I had to make the best call I could and that she would have done the same (and has, with no problems from me). She contradicted herself multiple times about why she didn't say anything, accused me of being angry the night before (I wasn't, but I was angry now) and that I was being unreasonable. I simply said that it's not her choice to decide what I do and do not need to know (I've never done that to her) and that this was a growing issue she's been having. Suffice to say, nothing got solved tonight, but as it stands I'm kind of shaken. We've had our fair share of arguements, but nothing as one-sided as this.

With all that information, I'm just wondering how we move forward from here? I don't know how to even attempt to approach this, I'm kind of really rattled by the whole thing, maybe I was in the wrong somehow?

rcarroll

OP I don't think you were in the wrong. If I'd made plans with someone, then found out they made conflicting plans, and didn't even have the decency to tell me this, or cancel the plans, I'd be furious...what was she thinking, just let you come up, spend that money and only have 1 hour together??

In fact, her behaviour seems to suggest she places no value at all on your time, or how you spend it, instead you are expected to fit around her schedule, which seems not to really make time for you at all. i'd be very hurt she considered so little of me and would question how important she seems your relationship. Maybe right now she's just too busy/stressed to be in one?

I'm very sorry OP, I hope things work out. But in my experience, if a partner is poor at communication, things generally don't end well.

Stavro Mueller

I'm kinda wondering why she's going out with you at all. The background information you've given us points to two difficulties. The first being that you don't seem to be connecting properly as a couple. The second that you're coming in a distant second to her other plans.

What's puzzling me is why all the secrecy? Those trips away are a pretty big thing to be hiding from your boyfriend and I can't see any good reason why she would keep this information to herself. You've every right to be angry over what happened. No matter what way you look at it, thinking it's OK for your boyfriend to go through the time and expense of visiting you for an hour is downright rude. I can't make up my mind whether she's emotionally clueless or doesn't care.

Big Bag of Chips

I might be wrong but it seems like she's starting to wind down your relationship. It sound like she's losing, or has lost interest. Attack is the best form of defense, and if she can convince herself that you are angry and unreasonable then that gives her reason to either finish it or let it fizzle out.

I might be wrong. But whether I am or not, she doesn't seem all that interested in you at the moment.

LegacyUser

rcarroll wrote: »

OP I don't think you were in the wrong. If I'd made plans with someone, then found out they made conflicting plans, and didn't even have the decency to tell me this, or cancel the plans, I'd be furious...what was she thinking, just let you come up, spend that money and only have 1 hour together??

In fact, her behaviour seems to suggest she places no value at all on your time, or how you spend it, instead you are expected to fit around her schedule, which seems not to really make time for you at all. i'd be very hurt she considered so little of me and would question how important she seems your relationship. Maybe right now she's just too busy/stressed to be in one?

I'm very sorry OP, I hope things work out. But in my experience, if a partner is poor at communication, things generally don't end well.

Well this morning she contacted me and apologised, saying she's been stressed and that it wasn't fair to get angry at me for taking issue with how she handled things. I understood her being stressed, but made her aware that I'm not going to march in step to her plans without her telling me. She seems genuinely sorry for what happened, said she was selfish and shouldn't have tried to turn my time into something convenient for her, that she needs to consider me more. I'm hoping she figures things out and starts communicating with me again properly, I know she's been under a lot of pressure lately, but I'm there to help, not to add to it.

R.D. aka MR.D

Maybe I'm wrong but I think it's highly unusual that someone you have been going out with for 2+ years won't discuss what she's doing with you.

No boyfriend needs to hear about your trip down to Tesco to buy shampoo or some nonsense but you would definitely tell him if you were off on a short trip with your friends.

Is this relationship so one sided in other ways? Does she ever make the effort to be with you/treat you well?

It kind of sounds like you are a convenience to her. She has a boyfriend without actually having to put any effort into being in a relationship.

LegacyUser

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

Maybe I'm wrong but I think it's highly unusual that someone you have been going out with for 2+ years won't discuss what she's doing with you.

No boyfriend needs to hear about your trip down to Tesco to buy shampoo or some nonsense but you would definitely tell him if you were off on a short trip with your friends.

Is this relationship so one sided in other ways? Does she ever make the effort to be with you/treat you well?

It kind of sounds like you are a convenience to her. She has a boyfriend without actually having to put any effort into being in a relationship.

I was thinking the same thing. I find it really confusing and kind of strange that she seems to avoid telling me things that go on in her life. I've never expressed any problems with her doing what she wants, so long as she's safe and keeps me in the loop so I don't accidentally overlap with her plans.

It's not so much one sided, she does have a bad habit of getting worked up and making things more difficult than they should be, letting personal problems get out of control when telling me would have help alleviate some of the pressure. She makes time for me, sure, but with the injury and everything in between with her money problems things fell by the wayside.

It sometimes feels that way and I think that she doesn't mean it intentionally, she gets defensive easily and has a hard time accepting criticism in general, but when she calms down and clears her head, she tends to apologise and make it up to me (same goes for me if I do something wrong, or lose my head). This behavior has gotten worse though, to the point where I'm almost suspicious that a sub-section of her friends who don't like me - some of whom she goes on these trips with - have her ear. If she's upset by something I said (usually when we've had a fight that came from a small disagreement somehow), she goes to them for support and then things get worse before they get better. Maybe I'm paranoid though.

R.D. aka MR.D

ToughTime wrote: »

I was thinking the same thing. I find it really confusing and kind of strange that she seems to avoid telling me things that go on in her life. I've never expressed any problems with her doing what she wants, so long as she's safe and keeps me in the loop so I don't accidentally overlap with her plans.
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I hope you don't mind me being frank but what are you getting out of this relationship? Is it your first serious one?

People in a relationship should be mutually supportive of each other. It seems like since you've had this injury she has drifted from you instead of being caring and making an extra effort to make sure you are doing okay.

The bit that I bolded in your post is confusing to me. Are you guys not agreeing together when you want to meet? Is she not excited at the prospect of seeing you and actively trying to make that happen?
She has money for trips and coffees with friends I assume so why isn't she making time for you.

Unfortunately, and I know from personal experience, it takes a while for people to realise that they shouldn't broadcast their relationship business to everybody because inevitably couples make up and are happy but the friends/family only hear the negatives and develop an unfair opinion.

Obviously, i don't know either of you but from what you are posting, it kind of sounds like she is using you. That's why I asked, what are you getting out of the relationship because maybe you should move on and find some one who is more suited to you.

LegacyUser

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

I hope you don't mind me being frank but what are you getting out of this relationship? Is it your first serious one?

People in a relationship should be mutually supportive of each other. It seems like since you've had this injury she has drifted from you instead of being caring and making an extra effort to make sure you are doing okay.

The bit that I bolded in your post is confusing to me. Are you guys not agreeing together when you want to meet? Is she not excited at the prospect of seeing you and actively trying to make that happen?
She has money for trips and coffees with friends I assume so why isn't she making time for you.

Unfortunately, and I know from personal experience, it takes a while for people to realise that they shouldn't broadcast their relationship business to everybody because inevitably couples make up and are happy but the friends/family only hear the negatives and develop an unfair opinion.

Obviously, i don't know either of you but from what you are posting, it kind of sounds like she is using you. That's why I asked, what are you getting out of the relationship because maybe you should move on and find some one who is more suited to you.

Sorry for the delay, it's been a busy week.

That part you bolded is specifically because she has a course to do during the week, it can get a little awkward since the times change (with tutorials and the like) and assignments take up her time. Outside of that, much like me, we have other responsibilities. She is trying to make things happen, but she's awful at making plans/following through with said plans. She tends to think a plan is the thing she wants to do, but doesn't give any consideration to how she'll get there, where it is, who's going.

As for what I'm getting out of it? She's there for me when I need support (though recent events have had an impact on that), I can talk to her about anything (again, fights usually resolve themselves) and I have fun with her. It's just lately that she's really started acting up, I've sat her down and talked to her about what I'm feeling, that keeping things from me and making decisions involving me without my input is something she wouldn't want done to her. As of now, she's busy with work but she's doing her best to set time aside for us. I did tell her that she needs a Councillor though, that her college may be able to give her some help in understanding why she let things get out of hand like they did. I also told her to be wary of some of her more vocal friends, that they dislike me and they have her ear in a way that worries me. She obviously has things to work on (the topic of independence came up - we both have ours and I've never questioned it) but she seems to genuinely want to work on it. I've made it clear though that I'm not playing these games anymore.