No I love you

LegacyUser

Me and the other half are together almost a year. He has not told me he loves me. I did ask him about it several months ago and he said he liked me very very much at that point. We had a few bad weeks around then.

So onwards and still not heard those magic words. He does know I love him. Now don't get me wrong I do feel very loved by his actions and he is a very kind thoughtful person. Do actions really speak louder then words? I have it in my head to give him time and have myself a time limit.

I guess I don't want to be the person he loves being with and the good times we have but maybe he is not in love with me. I don't want to make him feel under pressure by asking him about it again.

What is the norm? Should I have heard it by now? Should I just continue as we are and hope that we are going in the right direction? Other then those words everything really is going great.

Ave Sodalis

Hi OP,
Likewise, myself and my boyfriend have been together nearly a year and neither of us have said I love you to each other yet. It's really no big deal and actions most definitely speak louder than words. So even though my boyfriend hasn't said it, I'm still fairly confident he loves me. Some day, we might get around to actually saying it but neither of us really feel that actual words are completely necessary yet. That's just us though and every single person is different. Your boyfriend could be the same or he could find it difficult to say it, or maybe, he just wants to wait until he's absolutely certain he loves you before he says it. I don't think he would be with you for that length of time unless he did love you to some extent.

CaraMay

He likes you very much WTF??? That's not exactly reassuring!!

I don't know op... I understand you feel loved but if the best he can do is that he likes you very much then it's not exactly the love affair of the century... It's great that you feel loved but you need to find out if you are loved. Hope it works out for you.

Irish_Elect_Eng

It is not unusual for a long time to pass before a couple declares their love.
Often it just does not come up, or the opportunity does not arise or people are nervous /shy.

But I do find it odd if one person actually asks for the other to give a very lukewarm answer. Most people would know that this leads to hurt or confusion.

bobbyj946

I've been going out with my gf for 3 years and have plans to propose in the next few months and have not said "i love you" or anything similar, nor will I until the day i ask her to marry me. Love for another should be life long and unconditional, words that shouldn't be thrown around lightly. Had i said ILU to other women i went out with after a year then it's meaning now would be greatly diminished.

Of course not everyone has the same view as me, but where i would be the same as ever other person is in this; if my other half said ILU too soon and then directly or subtly tried to get me to say the same words back I'd view them as clingy and be tempted to run. The measure of what's too soon is defined by the the recipient (in your case this is your bf) not by you.

He will say it when he's ready don't push him or you'll push him away. Life is not sitcom.

Ps: i just reread your post, your going out nearly a year and several months ago you pressed him on this... So after about 3/4 months of going out.... That's about the length of one season in Friends.

Mr. Loverman

Please don't listen to the people saying it's normal. It isn't. Being unable to express your emotions is a sign of emotional immaturity or even emotional issues. It is not a good or normal thing or anything which should be encouraged.

You need to sit down and have a proper talk to your partner about it. You'll learn pretty quickly what the situation is.

If he gets angry with you or retreats into his cave I strongly recommend you end the relationship as this is a sign of things to come.

kylith

Mr. Loverman wrote: »

Please don't listen to the people saying it's normal. It isn't. Being unable to express your emotions is a sign of emotional immaturity or even emotional issues. It is not a good or normal thing or anything which should be encouraged.

You need to sit down and have a proper talk to your partner about it. You'll learn pretty quickly what the situation is.

If he gets angry with you or retreats into his cave I strongly recommend you end the relationship as this is a sign of things to come.

Gotta agree, I spent years waiting for it to come naturally and eventually I had to ask him flat out. I never trusted him when he said it because I felt it was only to keep me happy.

shalalala

I guess it depends on the relationship you have. For me if I am spending time and effort on someone I really like the person after a month so I would expect to feel that way and get it back after about 3 months. And no, actions and words go hand in hand. They are not mutually exclusive.

Some people I know have been in relationships that they have seen each other every week or two weeks. The emotions have taken a while to develop because they are not all in at the beginning. This I would understand more. But after you asking him it would bother me to not have heard the three words

gleesonger

Mr. Loverman wrote: »

Please don't listen to the people saying it's normal. It isn't. Being unable to express your emotions is a sign of emotional immaturity or even emotional issues. It is not a good or normal thing or anything which should be encouraged.

Unable to express your emotions is a sign of immaturity, but so is expecting feelings/emotions to be at that level after 3 months of dating.

Were talking about a few months here, hardly enough time to even truley know someone let alone express feelings of love.

Also from what is written above you do not have even close to enough information to imply a psychological assessment.

Mr. Loverman

gleesonger wrote: »

Unable to express your emotions is a sign of immaturity, but so is expecting feelings/emotions to be at that level after 3 months of dating.

Were talking about a few months here, hardly enough time to even truley know someone let alone express feelings of love.

Also from what is written above you do not have even close to enough information to imply a psychological assessment.

They've been together almost a year.

He's only willing to say "I like you very much".

I understand and accept Irish men are emotionally stunted compared to other nations, but there is something wrong here.

LegacyUser

Do you mind me asking what age you and your boyfriend are OP? I know some will say it shouldn't make a difference but maybe if very young, your boyfriend is just being very cautious as a lot of young relationships don't last and he want's to be careful about saying those 3 big words until he thinks this is a forever type relationship?

Some people will say I love you much easier as soon as they feel it,(often in early lust stages) not knowing or caring whether they think they will always feel this way and the relationship will last, whereas some will not say it unless they think it could be a forever thing.

I don't really think either is right or wrong, it's just some people wear their heart on their sleeve and say what they are feeling there and then, and others might sort of overthink and analyse their feelings a lot more before they commit to expressing their feelings to another. I suppose this could still be the case even if the people are not very young either.

I was 17 when I started going out with my boyfriend, he was early 20's. He said I love you 4 months in. He was tipsy when he said it so I just sort of didn't take him serious and joked " no ya don't, you're drunk haha" etc, just took it lighthearted even though he insisted "no I really do". He wasn't annoyed at me, just found it funny I wasn't taking him serious but knew it was because he had drink on him that I wasn't believing him so we didn't keep going on about it and just enjoyed the rest of the night.

Very next time we were together though, when dropping me home, 100% sober, usual kiss goodbye, will meet ya tomorrow, and I was just closing the car door when he goes "love ya" with this cheeky smile. I took this as him as making a little joke about his previous drunk comment so just giggled and said " yeah, yeah, byeeee" and blew him a kiss. He just smiled and winked before driving of.

Basically this little "joke" happened 1 or 2 more times between us, before I realized he was actually for real as he started saying it in a more serious manner when we were together. I must say I felt very awkward when he would say it seriously, I would just smile and cuddle him or kiss him but would never say it back.

There was a lot going through my head. I probably watched too much romantic films and read too many Mills and Boon as a teenager, but I always believed that I would first fall head over heels in love before losing my virginity to a person, and that we would then stay together forever (not as a religious thing or anything, more a romantic lovey dovey notion I had as a young one). This hadn't happened with my boyfriend, too much alcohol and getting a bit carried away with things meant I slept with my boyfriend WAY too soon together (he didn't even know until afterwards that I had been a virgin).
I was happy but a bit annoyed that I felt that I had gotten carried away with things, it wasn't how I had always planned things would go, and so felt very cautious from there on in about my emotions and really thinking a lot about them.

I was having a great time in the relationship, my boyfriend and I just clicked instantly from the night we met, I was growing to care for him more and more the more time we spent together, and I would think of him all the time when we were apart.
The other half of my brain though would say, I'm 17, I have my whole life ahead of me, will we last when I go to college and he is working, am I just being a silly teenager - is someone my age even capable of really being in love so young, do I love him? - if I have to even ask myself that it must mean that I don't right, because everything I've ever read has said you wouldn't even have to question yourself - when you are in love you just "know it".

All these thoughts whirled around my young head. To be fair to my boyfriend, he handled it very well. He didn't know the questions I was thinking in my head, but he never asked "do you love me?" or "why don't you say you love me too?". He would just tell me he loved me whenever he felt like saying it, and accept my kisses and cuddles in return. Often with a knowing smile on his face. I think he knew I loved him before I did!

After a lot of analysing, feelings getting stronger, and me feeling more secure about things I finally said "I love you too" about 8 months in. (to which of course my boyfriend took great delight in slagging and saying "no ya don't haha" imitating my earlier reaction to him before kissing me :P)

We're together over 10 years now.

I guess I'm just telling you my story to give you a viewpoint from another person who was slow to say "I love you" and to show you it doesn't necessary mean a relationship is doomed if it's not said early on as long as everything else is progressing well and the behavior demonstrates love.
I explained my reasons for being wary at first, maybe your boyfriend has his own reasons for being cautious. It might be a new feeling to him, or if older maybe he has been hurt in the past and is overly cautious now?

I know there is a possibility that what you are worrying about could be true too - that he is just having fun with you but doesn't see it as love or a more longterm thing.
It's a tough call really, I personally think fair play to him for being truthful and not just saying I love you if he wasn't sure he meant it, but at the same time I can see your fears, and why you would hope that he he is not stringing you along until he makes his mind up.

Every person is different and if this is something that is really important to you, you will have to decide yourself if you feel happy and secure enough in the relationship to stick around, or how long you are willing to wait before this becomes too big an issue for you to cope with.

I do believe actions speak louder, but some people need to hear the words. It's hard for me or others to tell you if you right or wrong about your concerns, because it's a very personal decision you will ultimately have to come to yourself judging from your own feelings in the relationship and how it is going. Maybe you could wait awhile longer, ease of on telling him that you love him, and just see if it comes naturally with him saying it first the next time?

Just say for example you stayed together another year and it emerges that he decides that he really cares for you but realises that he is not in love with you and things end. Obviously you would be devastated but would you feel like the entire relationship had been a waste of your time, or would you look on it that you spent two good years together and despite it ending, you had lots of good memories and that it was not something to be regretted and that it wasn't a "waste"?

How you answer that question might determine how long you should be willing to wait around. How long are you happy to continue enjoying the relationship before in your mind you would start seeing it as having being a 'waste' if things ended with him not having the same feelings for you.

For some people that answer could be months,and for some it could be a few years.

Ave Sodalis

Mr. Loverman wrote: »

They've been together almost a year.

He's only willing to say "I like you very much".

I understand and accept Irish men are emotionally stunted compared to other nations, but there is something wrong here.

With respect, I disagree. He said that he likes her very much a few months ago. It doesn't say in the OP whether the subject came up recently and that was still the reply.

Either way, I wouldn't go jumping the gun and saying there is something wrong. I mean, there's a chance there is something wrong, but there are plenty of valid reasons why he hasn't said it yet. I don't see it as a sign of emotional stuntedness at all.

gleesonger

Mr. Loverman wrote: »

They've been together almost a year.

He's only willing to say "I like you very much".

I understand and accept Irish men are emotionally stunted compared to other nations, but there is something wrong here.

See OPs opening paragraph, that comment was based on a conversation several months before 1 year.
Do think it is the norm to say 'I love you' after 3 months of dating?

Within this context we do not know the ages involved. They could be 15 or 35. And this should affect the advice/comments given.

The OP has asked for a benchmark, a norm, on which she can gauge her own position. My view is that after 3 months the response of 'I like you' is perfectly valid and is no way unusual for a mid 20s+ person. Early 20s you should really be out to enjoy life and not getting caught up in the idea of are we in love or not, your too young anything can happen, but if it does work out all well and good, you have plenty of time to get serious later on. If your a teenager, then it is crazy to expect your other half to say 'i love you' so soon.

An Bhanríon

If you are happy with your boyfriend and he makes an effort and you feel loved by him I don't think there is a need to worry about such things as him saying the words 'I love you'.

Myself and my fiancé were together two years before either of us said 'I love you'. He hadn't got to that point yet in our relationship, and I was waiting for him to say it. I didn't want to be the first to say 'I love you'. But then, when we started talking about staying together long term, I decided to stop waiting and said it to him. And we have been saying 'I love you' ever since! Neither of us come from families where we express emotions, so I think this had a bearing on our attitude to expressing our love verbally for each other. It was worth the wait, though. When my fiancé says he loves me I know he really thinks I am the most amazing woman on the planet (to him - not to anyone else, obviously).

Many men have said 'I love you' to me over the years. They said the words, but I didn't actually FEEL loved by any of them...

Different strokes for different folks, I think.