Wedding advice - no best man

LegacyUser

Hi - not really a big deal in the grand scheme of things compared to most threads here, but this is a worry I've been having for a while now and would really like some advice or opinions.

I would like to marry my girlfriend soon, probably pop the question in the next few months. No doubts about the actual act itself but I dread the thought of a wedding event itself.

My main reason being I have no one I could ask to be a best man, a fact I'm pretty embarrassed about. To be honest, no real male friends I'd even be inviting. No brothers. One childhood friends I remained friends with throughout my life (even if contact is sporadic now) is a female.

I had friends growing up, but once I moved a long distance for college, I basically lost touch with everyone from my home town. I made what I would call acquaintances from classmates in college, but nobody I would consider as a close friend, and have since moved long distances twice for work since leaving college, with basically zero contact in years with anyone I studied with. Same with work, I get on grand with colleagues, but outside of work and the few work social occasions, there's no-one there I have any real relationship with.
It all boils down to the fact that in my 30's there is nobody I could even consider to ask to be part of my wedding party.

The lack of a close circle of friends doesn't really bother me at all in daily life, I am quite happy as an introvert who can interact well enough in social occasions, even if I don't really enjoy them. I have a great relationship with my OH and her family/my family.

The problem really is that we've talked about getting married, and she'd like quite a big party. She has a massive family and they are all very close, and a lot of friends too. I detest weddings and hate having attention drawn to me, but I have no problem putting up with all that etc. as I know she will love a big knees up with her family, and there's no way around that.

Is it an acceptable thing not to have a best man? I'm afraid I'll be basically laughed at, or at least the result of so much chat and gossip that the groom has no best man or guests at the wedding. It certainly wouldn't go unnoticed and even thinking about it is making me so embarrassed.
Does anyone have any advice on how I could get around this fact without drawing attention to it? A type of wedding or something?
I've thought about a very small intimate wedding either abroad or whatever, but I do know she'd still love to have a party soon after for her huge family to celebrate. And even for a small wedding, no best man is still weird isn't it?


I have uncles and cousins but I'm not really close to them at all, and it would be ridiculous to ask them. Frankly my best friend is my father who I am very close to.
I'd love to hear that even one other person has had this kind of problem. thanks.

miamee

Hi OP, congratulations first of all that you have come to the decision to propose to your girlfriend

You mentioned that you get on well with your OH's family and that she comes from a large family - does she have a brother you could ask? If you have no brothers of your own, this would be natural enough, a groom's sister will often be asked to be a bridesmaid as well and I'm sure your girlfriend would be delighted. Don't let this put you off proposing, the type of wedding you have is something that the two of you can decide together. Best of luck!

55.12

55.12 wrote: »

I have uncles and cousins but I'm not really close to them at all, and it would be ridiculous to ask them. Frankly my best friend is my father who I am very close to.
I'd love to hear that even one other person has had this kind of problem. thanks.

It's enough of a common problem they made a whole movie about a guy in that situation... he ended up in the movie looking for a guy to make friends with

But I'm fairly certain "father as groom's best man" is common enough as well? Why don't you ask your dad?


Finally, even if you do propose soon, it often takes months or years before the actual wedding happens... a lot could happen before then. don't stress too much about it

Dozen Wicked Words

My sister was my best man, she was very good, in this day and age, it barely registered on people's Meh-O-Meter.

LegacyUser

miamee wrote: »

You mentioned that you get on well with your OH's family and that she comes from a large family - does she have a brother you could ask? If you have no brothers of your own, this would be natural enough, a groom's sister will often be asked to be a bridesmaid as well and I'm sure your girlfriend would be delighted.

Unfortunately not, I should have mentioned that. My sister is single, and hers is very young so not even a boyfriend I could ask by default.
Thank you for your reply and congrats.

December2012

I think it'd be lovely to ask your Dad.

LegacyUser

bluewolf wrote: »

But I'm fairly certain "father as groom's best man" is common enough as well? Why don't you ask your dad?

tbh he's the only one I'd consider at the moment. I thought that would appear just as sad and embarrassing - "oh look, he had to ask his dad".
thanks for the replies so far.

Faith

There's nothing wrong with asking your Dad to be your best man.

LegacyUser

You don't have to have a best man if you don't want to, it's your day so your rules. I went to a friends wedding last year were there was no best man or bridesmaids as that's how the couple wanted it. For my parents wedding my mums brother was best man even though he was only a teen and my dad had four brothers, they thought her brother would get a big kick out of being asked as he was the only boy and youngest of six girls so it doesn't have to be someone you are close to, it could be someone from your OH's family.


Focus on asking your OH to marry you then you both sit down and decide what type of wedding you want together

DoozerT6

bluewolf wrote: »

It's enough of a common problem they made a whole movie about a guy in that situation... he ended up in the movie looking for a guy to make friends with

But I'm fairly certain "father as groom's best man" is common enough as well? Why don't you ask your dad?

"I Love You, Man!"

OP, you certainly wouldn't be the first person getting married to basically invite seat-fillers to your wedding, not every body has a large social circle. I would be somewhat in the same situation myself, and would probably end up inviting those aunts and uncles that I haven't seen or spoken to since the last wedding/funeral, and also cousins that that would probably have to be pointed out to me so I would recognise them.

I would suggest a longish engagement (congratulations, by the way!!) of at least 18mts-two years, and make it part of a project for yourself to find at least 2 or three guys that you would be happy to hang out with in a social setting, go for a random pint with on a weeknight (inviting someone to watch a match in a pub might be a good start). Do you have any hobbies that lend themselves to social outings? What about the guys you were friends with a few years back, would you be interested in getting in touch with them again?

Of course, I don't mean target certain guys JUST so you have a wedding party, try and think if there are guys you knew that you would genuinely like to get back in touch with and remain in contact with even after the wedding. If the answer is no, then while your girlfriend is caught up in the whirlwind of wedding preparations, you could quietly be going about your business of finding a few mates that you would like standing beside you on the altar. And believe me, there has been more than one groomsman/best man at weddings throughout the land that was wondering why the hell THEY were asked to be part of the wedding party!

And I think asking your Dad to be your best man would be an absolutely lovely idea and make the wedding even more special

freshpopcorn

You could ask your dad but you don't need to have a best man. It's one thing I hate about wedding's people feel pressured to have certain things because of the media/films/tv. When there's no need at all.

amdublin

I don't think there'd be anything wrong with asking your dad.

"And now we'll have a few words from Jim the father of the groom and the best man"

Or Jim just stands up hi I'm Jim father of Michael and the best man.

Or don't mention of it in speeches at all - he stands with you in the church and then he introduces all the speeches and does one himself. Job done!

What does you girlfriend say?

cee_jay

You don't need a best man. I was at a wedding earlier this year where the couple did not have any groomsmen/bridesmaids. To be honest, I liked it because it was what suited them and it was their day after all!
If you want your Dad as your best man, don't let what other people may think about you decide against that for you. Nobody will think anything of it.

anncoates

I had 2 best men.

So moral of story is that anything goes. It's your wedding. Anybody in your family or acquaintances is fine if that's what you want.

LegacyUser

DoozerT6 wrote: »

I would suggest a longish engagement (congratulations, by the way!!) of at least 18mts-two years, and make it part of a project for yourself to find at least 2 or three guys that you would be happy to hang out with in a social setting, go for a random pint with on a weeknight (inviting someone to watch a match in a pub might be a good start). Do you have any hobbies that lend themselves to social outings? What about the guys you were friends with a few years back, would you be interested in getting in touch with them again?

Of course, I don't mean target certain guys JUST so you have a wedding party, try and think if there are guys you knew that you would genuinely like to get back in touch with and remain in contact with even after the wedding. If the answer is no, then while your girlfriend is caught up in the whirlwind of wedding preparations, you could quietly be going about your business of finding a few mates that you would like standing beside you on the altar. And believe me, there has been more than one groomsman/best man at weddings throughout the land that was wondering why the hell THEY were asked to be part of the wedding party!

These are good suggestions, thank you. An extra layer of complexity is that I've moved countries twice since I've lived in Ireland so re-connecting with old acquaintances is largely impossible.
I guess I should definitely start using something like meetup.com to get to know people in my new country (not here too long). I just know that if I was asked by some chap I'd only been hanging out with a few months to be involved in their wedding I'd be pretty bewildered, and not at all comfortable with it!

I guess I'm probably over-thinking it at this stage - it just causes me so much cringe when I think about it all.


I had to watch that Paul Rudd/Jason Segel film through parted fingers, talk about hitting close to home!! ha

LegacyUser

amdublin wrote: »

What does you girlfriend say?

Well we haven't discussed anything in this kind of detail, I haven't even popped the question yet - but I'm certain she'd be supportive of any decision I would make, it's more my own embarrassment and the attention (I perceive) that I'd draw.
All your replies have been encouraging I must say, so thank you. If I didn't dislike weddings so much in general maybe I wouldn't be so worried!

Meauldsegosha

55.12 wrote: »

Frankly my best friend is my father who I am very close to.

Well there is your answer, ask your dad. I'm sure he would be delighted and proud to stand as your best man.

Rubberchikken

There's no kaw says you have to have a best man.

But if you're very close to your Dad then ask him.
You could ask your female friend to be the best woman.

You could talk with your oh and have a small wedding abroad and a party back home.


Whatever you decide, best of luck

dr.bollocko

I was at weddings where the best man was a woman. Don't let your perception of the norm get to you and do what you want on your big day.

J Mysterio

If you are not that bothered about a small social circle etc. In your day to day life, dont let it bother you for your wedding either.

Be yourself and be proud of yourself.

If I can actually find a woman to marry me I will be in the same situation as regards lack of friends to invite though.

Not an introvert myself really, life is lifey.

LegacyUser

You have GOT to go with your father. It'd be perfect in my opinion.

Neyite

I've been to countless weddings and I think it would be much nicer to have your Dad as your best man, and maybe a couple of old or new friends as groomsmen.

Just think, you both get your dads to hand you over to each other- there is a nice symmetry to that. And getting ready the morning of the wedding, how nice will it be to have your Dad, supported you during all those daunting life-changers, like the first day at school, the first day at college, exams etc, that he is there still supporting you in this big day. When you think about it, the Groom's dad is the perfect choice for the job really!

I think about my baby boy - his dad was the first to hold him, and he often speaks about that and I'd say that if he was asked to be his best man, he'd be so proud.

cletus van damme

i had no best man - i'd a few friends there but nobody i wanted to talk ****e about me, so I had no body

nobody seemed to care

Gatling

Go for your dad chap and it saves on big speeches he can combine the two and I'm sure he'll have some stories to tell .


I envy your position actually

ongarboy

This really is a no brainer for me. If you are proud enough to call your dad a dear and close (even best) friend, then you should be proud enough to have him as your best man (should he accept). I'm surprised you'd be more concerned about what acquaintances might think about having your dad as best man then relishing the privilege of having your dad stand by your side during one of your most important life moments. How proud he would be too! I think you've already gathered consensus from most if not everyone on this thread thinking this is an absolutely lovely idea. I'd call into question the decency of anyone who would scoff at the idea!

Maybe it's the age I'm at now, but a sadly increasing occurrence at the more recent weddings of my 30 or 40 something male friends in particular is that some of their dads were no longer with them (often only having passed in relatively recent years) and it always comes up in their speeches as their only one sad regret of the day. What a joy that your dad would be present in this special capacity!

Saying that, get on your skates and pop the question to your OH first! This thread is a moot point until she says yes!!:D

Pinesky

I had my father in law as best man,
My own father was long deceased.
Do whatever you think best for you ,
Given your great relationship with your father he looks the obvious choice.

An Bhanríon

Getting married myself in a few months...

We are not having a best man or a bridesmaid. Our mothers will be our witnesses. My sister also just had witnesses when she got married. But that was a wedding on the continent where that is the norm, as far as I know.

If you are really close to your Dad, ask him to be your witness / best man. Otherwise ask your female friend.

Don't stress. Do your own thing. But don't bother telling anyone, except close family, beforehand that you are not having a best man who is a friend / brother because then they will ask stupid questions and make you doubt your decision. (I am slowly learning not to tell anyone any details about things we are doing for our wedding which are not the norm. I am sick of hearing 'but you can't do that!!!')

Mostly importantly, speak to your girlfriend early about your ideas. Have the wedding day you both want and the wedding that reflects your own lives. And enjoy proposing to your girlfriend and planning your big celebration! It is a really lovely time that you will cherish forever.

ongarboy

I would echo the above poster's comments about speaking to your GF. This is the person you hopefuly will be spending the rest of your life with. Surely you should be able to communicate with her about such insecurities and hopefully she will be able to help you alleviate them. That's what partners do for eachother. If she is not someone you can do this with, I think you have bigger problems then best man selection.

uck51js9zml2yt

I didn't have a best man and my wife didn't have bridesmaids. We just asked her brother and a close friend to witness the register.
It didn't stop us having a full church wedding.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all ye're replies. Feel a bit less self concious about it now. I think I'll definitely ask my father if I end up needing/wanting one. Good to see the positive opinions of asking him.