Throwaway comment....

LegacyUser

So... I'd been seeing this guy on and off over a period of three years. Back a few months ago I told him I couldn't keep seeing him as there was no prospect of anything actually coming from it and we left it at that. I just couldn't keep meeting him because I was falling for him. Anyway I made a mistake yesterday. I had an issue that he could help me with and so I called in to him for advice. Anyway we ended up doing the deed again. So later I texted him to tell him thanks for the help and he texted back telling me I was as hot as ever, and "a delicious *uck" . I feel so disgusting. I must've spent an hour in the shower last night. I woke up in the middle of the night, and I couldn't breathe, it was like someone was sitting on my chest, and I still feel short of breath. Maybe he didn't mean to sound so crude, but it's had such a horrible effect on me. I just feel awful. I've deleted his number again, and wiped any data there ever was between us. Part of me wants to mail him and tell him how bad I feel, and part of me just wants the ground to swallow me whole. Any suggestions ?

dudara

He was probably under the impression that your recent meeting was casual, and that you were also in the same frame of mind. Therefore, he threw out the comment. It might be that (misguidedly) he thought you'd enjoy that comment.

Personally, I'd have replied saying that I wouldn't appreciate that kind of comment. Some people just don't have any kind of common sense filter and need to be told where they're overstepping the mark.

chatterkiller

It's a lesson learned. Now at least you know that's all you ever were to him - even if he meant more to you. I don't think he meant it in a bad way - if anything, he probably meant it as a compliment and was hoping it world become a regular no-strings-attached arrangement.

Obviously that wasn't what you wanted, so just cut all ties and all contact.

Don't feel bad about what happened. Nothing wrong with casual sex when both involved are consenting. The fact is, you both clearly want different things.

cookiexx

I think your reaction is a bit extreme.
From what you've said, you had a casual sexual relationship with this guy over years - you clearly were each other's plaything. Maybe because you have feelings for the guy and he blatantly and quite crassly objectified you and reduced you to nothing but a 'f*ck', it stings all the more.
I do think it was a bit rude and tactless, but then some people are into dirty talk etc - maybe he thought you'd find it complimentary?
I'd say use this as a lesson that you're no longer equipped to deal with a casual no-strings scenario with the guy, cut all contact and move on.

LegacyUser

I think his terminology was crude, probably under the impression it would sound as good to him as it did to you, but I think it's possibly a symptom of the position you allowed yourself to be in and you're focussing on it to deflect from how you feel about letting yourself backslide into doing something you know was wrong for you. Your own description of it, "we did the deed", is not much better. Walk it off and learn a lesson, when the signs point to whatever you're about to do being something that won't make you happy, don't do it.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.
I guess my reaction was a build up of latent feelings. I have learned my lesson. It's my own fault I slipped up. Maybe in a way I needed to hear it. And I'd probably not have done anything but laugh at a remark like that in the past, I've just changed.
Guessed: you nailed it on the head, I'm really annoyed with myself.

daveohdave

cookiexx wrote: »

I think your reaction is a bit extreme

Indeed. If two and a half words are reducing someone to a panicked wreck, there's something wrong.

ManOfMystery

He made a crude remark which implied your were nothing more to him than a sexual object, and that's obviously struck a raw nerve with you given that you're developing feelings for him. Was he wrong? Well I'm sure when he said it he thought you were probably in a similar frame of mind, given that you were really just fcuk buddies - he could have been much more tactful but I'm sure there was no malice or the like in his comment. IMO your reaction was a bit ott, but probably a sign that you are right to take a step back from him and end your relationship - you obviously have more interest in it going somewhere than he has.

CaraMay

He's crude but it says more about him than you. Don't contact him again as he is not the right person for you.

westernlad4x

I agree with dudara's reply.
It was insensitive and way over the line and if anything betrays a lot of emotional immaturity and tactlessness of this guy.

Your reaction is yours and your full entitlement and I can see why it may have hit you that hard.
I would not pay any heed to anyone saying that your reaction was out of step with the incident at all.
The thing to know is that you are a beautiful woman, your sensitivity is part of what defines you and that guy is the one with the problem and definitely not you in any shape or form.

I remember once sharing office space with a guy who would make casual remarks about his encounters with members of the opposite sex which showed a tendency to objectify women and how he viewed them.
I remember it vividly .. and personally I feel it showed up his poor character.
From that minute on I instantly disliked everything about him, to be honest.

dellas1979

Maybe its a case of you werent over him as much as you thought. You contacted him (why? I mean I know why in your front mind you think you contacted him, but the following might be the real reason) probably (in some part of you) to keep this guy in your life. You had sex, probably still hoping something might happen. And then, after the "maybe hes still into me-yay" you realise all he thinks of you is a shag.

I think he did you a favour sending you that. But its like you got a shock (you were so in denial). Now you are seeing the bigger picture.

Life lessons will keep presenting themselves until you learn the lesson. You definitely went to the class, now learn the lesson

catonthewire

Don't mail him...

Simply move on and learn from this experience...
Your relationship with the guy was of mutual benefit to you both in the past, now it is obvious that you have outgrown the friendship.....

Please try to stop being so harsh on yourself....
Life is too short for regrets ....

whitebriar

Some of the potentially nicest people in the world could say something to someone that triggers an inner fear.
We don't know this guy but honestly one random crude way of expressing how much he enjoyed the sex is just that -a random way of saying something that seriously probably wasn't intended to do what it did to you.
There could be and probably are 100's of nice things in his head about you that he didn't randomly say but could have.
Give the guy a break.Give yourself a break,discuss this with him and don't let your head mess you up like this.

P. Breathnach

OP, I can't see any intent in what he said other than to be complimentary. He chose words that you don't like - that's unfortunate.

I am sure there are many women who would be pleased to receive a message like that.

diveout

I read it as a compliment.